Need advice on dealing with a critical mother
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There are a few things to remember when dealing with your mother. And I am saying this from someone with a similar mother to yours. We are pretty much the same age so I will assume our mothers are relatively close.
A - She grew up in a time when women we to be seen and not heard. They were there as a decoration for their husband and looks mattered.
B - She got the same thing from her mother, as she told you in the story of fatty, fatty. Her mother probably got it from her mother, so on and so on.
C - There is not much you can do to change her opinion at this point.
D - She has probably been a victim of more fad diets than you will ever know.
Your mother still loves you and is trying, very unsuccessfully, to show you she cares about your weight. While her comments are hurtful, it is unlikely she means them that way.
^^ She put this very well.
As for comments about others (and about yourself when you can) every time you hear her say something negative, counter it with something positive about that person. When you praise someone she just criticized it may make her pause. It could either make her realize to look for other points about someone, or just realize that you aren't any fun to gossip with since you won't join in the criticism, either way hopefully the comments will become fewer.0 -
Oh my goodness, I am overwhelmed at the support. I went to grab lunch and came back to a dozen responses already. Thank you!!
I should have stated in my original post that my mother is, for all intents and purposes, a good mother. I promise you guys, she really is. I just got emotional writing the post and focused on my feelings and failed to state all the facts. She raised me by herself from age 6. I saw the struggles and sacrifices she made for me, and I know that she loves me very much. BUT, as some of you have stated, she obviously has pent up feelings about HER unresolved issues that have nothing to do with me. And I know I can't fix that for her. Whoever said this is attributed to how women were viewed a few decades ago is probably spot on. I was 6 when my parents divorced and she never remarried. Many years later she told me it was basically because she was overweight and had lost her looks (she hasn't) and then later because she has to wear an oxygen mask to bed for sleep apnea. She thought no man would want her because she wasn't as fresh as a baby chicken. My heart hurt for her, knowing she views herself in such a negative light, but still, she was incredibly wrong to make me think I was undesireable due to some extra weight. So I definitely agree with the assessment that she hates herself but projects it onto me, even if not on purpose.
Someone else mentioned boundaries. None. She has none, unless you put them there. This became obvious after I got married. The first time we all saw each other after the wedding, she walked in on my husband while he was in his underwear because she didn't think knocking on a closed bedroom door was necessary.
We laugh about it now, but we were pretty pissed for a while. We set some boundaries and it took a while, but she did eventually start to respect them. But these are marital boundaries. The real problem is she doesn't want to respect boundaries when it comes to me personally.
Good suggestion about setting limits ahead of time and not waiting until she makes a snide comment. I can definitely be ready to pack my bags (or hers) if she starts in on me. I know full well she will pout and act mortally offended but I feel certain that once has a chance to think it over, she will realize she was out of line.
Ok, so here's a plan of action of sorts. I am taking her out of town to a dcotor specialist she sees annually in about one month (she's very hard of hearing and needs somebody there to listen to the doc). I'm going to establish my expectations before I even leave my house. I'm going to tell her that I am working hard to accomplish some goals (weight), but that I won't be sharing those goals with her. I will also tell her that discussions regarding my appearance are strictly off limits and that if she cannot respect my wishes I will simply collect my bags and leave once we return from the doctor. If working with my weight loss coach is successful and I've already lost some weight by this time next month, I know she will notice and say something (and probably it will be nice). But I'm not going to tell her what I've been doing, and in fact I may just brush it off and say I haven't really lost anything. That will confuse her as to why I look thinner but profess not to be. :laugh:0 -
I haven't spoken to my parents since my son was almost 4 and my daughter was almost 1. They are now 18 and 15.
In my case my dad was the problem, he's a high functioning alcohol with distinct different personalities. Sometimes he's obnoxious and can even be quite hilarious. Other times he's incredibly cruel and abusive.
I had no choice in the type of atmosphere I was raised in but I DID have a choice in what atmosphere MY kids were raised in. I really didn't talk about my childhood when my kids were younger but now that they're older they ask questions and of course are curious why they don't see their grandparents... I have no problem telling them why at the ages they are now.
Said all this to say, it's an incredibly personal decision, nobody can make it for you. Toxic relationships are so destructive and it takes years to recover from verbal abuse and that IS what your mother is doing to you. It will be up to you to decide how to handle it.
Good Luck!! :flowerforyou:0 -
Sounds like a great plan. I would suggest that you encourage the positive comments though and not brush them off or pretend the accomplishments don't exsist. Just a thought. It's really only the negatives you are trying to get rid of, so I don't see a reason why you wouldn't want to graciously accept any compliments she wants to throw your way. I can't know much about how your relationship works, so you are entitled to disagree with me completely on this point.0
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parents only say things like this because she only wants the best for you. it's a different type of best in the way its communicated. sounds like yours and a few others arent sure how to communicate properly.
Bullchips. Parents who say mean and critical things often do it for the same reason that non relatives say mean things--to make them feel better about themselves. There is a huge difference between a little blunt talk from a well-meaning parent and the type of comments the OP relayed in her post.
Agreed. It took me many years to realize that my mom was a bully. She bullied her younger sister, and then when she had me, she transferred that bullying behavior into our relationship. Parents who say hurtful things are bullies, plain and simple. There is a way to offer constructive criticism without saying "Gee, your butt looks huge!"0 -
Don't have her over at your house, only visit her in her house, in other people's houses, or in public places.
When she mouths off, ask her to stop, and if she does not, get up and leave. It doesn't matter what else is going on, who else is there, or what you two were doing. Simply get in your car, leave, and do not contact her or return her calls for at least a month.
When you next speak, If she asks why, tell her that you have made a choice to not be around people who verbally abuse you, and that putting you down for your weight and appearance is indeed abusive.
If she objects that she doesn't verbally abuse you, attempts to justify her behavior, or mouths off about your weight or appearance again, get up and leave again, going No Contact for at least a month, possibly longer if you've already done this a couple times and she hasn't gotten the message.
She'll likely get the point within a year. If she doesn't, go No Contact for good. It's unfortunate, but some people don't understand, "No." or "Don't." or "That hurts." They understand pain, fear, loss, and nothing else. It's a shame, but there's really no way to get through to that kind of person unless you are willing to speak their language.0 -
OK here is a flip side to this question and one which I would love some opinions and advice. I have been big (5'10" since I was a freshman in high school) and always heavier than all my friends and my little sister. My mother didn't say much to me growing up about my weight, if I was pretty or not. At 47 I am 100 lbs over weight. Now I have a 9 year old daughter who is following in my footsteps and she has my exact body when I was younger. I don't know if I should say anything to her, or if I should just keep quiet like my parents did. I often have wondered if my mother would have said something to me I might have done something about it then?? But I don't want to be the critical mom either? Any advice/opinions on this?0
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Someone else mentioned boundaries. None. She has none, unless you put them there. This became obvious after I got married. The first time we all saw each other after the wedding, she walked in on my husband while he was in his underwear because she didn't think knocking on a closed bedroom door was necessary. We laugh about it now, but we were pretty pissed for a while. We set some boundaries and it took a while, but she did eventually start to respect them. But these are marital boundaries. The real problem is she doesn't want to respect boundaries when it comes to me personally.
I understand! It has taken me YEARS to get any kind of boundaries in place with my mom and she still oversteps them sometimes. Last night for example, my husband and I went over to her place and took her dinner we'd made because she is recovering from knee replacement surgery. We were all sitting around eating and when we had finished, I absentmindedly picked up a small piece of mushroom from my plate with my finger and ate it (off my finger). My mom flew into action saying, "Don't eat with your HANDS girly whirly!!!!" LIKE I WAS FOUR YEARS OLD. I'm 37 years old. To subtly "show her" my husband (he's adorable) said, "Yeah don't do that, do this" and licked his plate by holding it up to his face. She thought that was cute. Because it was a big strong man doing it! GAG
I also wanted to add that I get it...your mom's not truly abusive (IMO) or a bad mom just because of this stuff. Neither's mine. After I posted here originally, I remembered a couple of comments my mom did make when I was growing up that were somewhat hurtful and in reference to my weight. I wasn't allowed to wear horizontal stripes until around age 11 when I started to choose my own clothing because she thought it "wasn't flattering" and once, I was begging for a double French braid and she took me to Fantastic Sam's (hair salon) to have it done, but the minute we got home she made me take it out because it made my face look fat and round. She is so weird.0 -
Oh my goodness, I am overwhelmed at the support. I went to grab lunch and came back to a dozen responses already. Thank you!!
I should have stated in my original post that my mother is, for all intents and purposes, a good mother. I promise you guys, she really is. I just got emotional writing the post and focused on my feelings and failed to state all the facts. She raised me by herself from age 6. I saw the struggles and sacrifices she made for me, and I know that she loves me very much. BUT, as some of you have stated, she obviously has pent up feelings about HER unresolved issues that have nothing to do with me. And I know I can't fix that for her. Whoever said this is attributed to how women were viewed a few decades ago is probably spot on. I was 6 when my parents divorced and she never remarried. Many years later she told me it was basically because she was overweight and had lost her looks (she hasn't) and then later because she has to wear an oxygen mask to bed for sleep apnea. She thought no man would want her because she wasn't as fresh as a baby chicken. My heart hurt for her, knowing she views herself in such a negative light, but still, she was incredibly wrong to make me think I was undesireable due to some extra weight. So I definitely agree with the assessment that she hates herself but projects it onto me, even if not on purpose.
Someone else mentioned boundaries. None. She has none, unless you put them there. This became obvious after I got married. The first time we all saw each other after the wedding, she walked in on my husband while he was in his underwear because she didn't think knocking on a closed bedroom door was necessary. We laugh about it now, but we were pretty pissed for a while. We set some boundaries and it took a while, but she did eventually start to respect them. But these are marital boundaries. The real problem is she doesn't want to respect boundaries when it comes to me personally.
Good suggestion about setting limits ahead of time and not waiting until she makes a snide comment. I can definitely be ready to pack my bags (or hers) if she starts in on me. I know full well she will pout and act mortally offended but I feel certain that once has a chance to think it over, she will realize she was out of line.
Ok, so here's a plan of action of sorts. I am taking her out of town to a dcotor specialist she sees annually in about one month (she's very hard of hearing and needs somebody there to listen to the doc). I'm going to establish my expectations before I even leave my house. I'm going to tell her that I am working hard to accomplish some goals (weight), but that I won't be sharing those goals with her. I will also tell her that discussions regarding my appearance are strictly off limits and that if she cannot respect my wishes I will simply collect my bags and leave once we return from the doctor. If working with my weight loss coach is successful and I've already lost some weight by this time next month, I know she will notice and say something (and probably it will be nice). But I'm not going to tell her what I've been doing, and in fact I may just brush it off and say I haven't really lost anything. That will confuse her as to why I look thinner but profess not to be. :laugh:
A plan of action is always good BUT - re-read your plan of action. It's still all wrapped up in your mother this, your mother that, what she'll notice, what she won't. What you're going to tell her, what your not. Honestly just lose the weight FOR YOU. Stop obsessing about how your Mom is going to react. This is your life! You may want to consider counseling to deal with these deep routed mother issues.0 -
You don't get your worth from your mother. She does not determine your value.0
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As much sympathy as I have for you, OP, you seem to be pretty self-aware and strong. I feel a LOT of pity for your mom, though. It sounds like no one (in authority, at least) has ever made her feel valued for anything other than her appearance, and as that's faded/fading she's trying to live vicariously through you and her unrealistic demands on your body.
She needs help...but as that's unlikely, I recommend you see a therapist to make sure you don't suffer too much from her issues. 0 -
OK here is a flip side to this question and one which I would love some opinions and advice. I have been big (5'10" since I was a freshman in high school) and always heavier than all my friends and my little sister. My mother didn't say much to me growing up about my weight, if I was pretty or not. At 47 I am 100 lbs over weight. Now I have a 9 year old daughter who is following in my footsteps and she has my exact body when I was younger. I don't know if I should say anything to her, or if I should just keep quiet like my parents did. I often have wondered if my mother would have said something to me I might have done something about it then?? But I don't want to be the critical mom either? Any advice/opinions on this?
Lead by example - and encourage her to participate because things are fun/tasty/interesting.
I would be careful not to reference her body parts/size/shape.
Slowly decrease the poor food choices (chips, candy, soda) around the house and increase better choices (apples, baby carrots, sparkling flavored water). I would not calorie count on a kid that age unless medically necessary - it makes it a thing and you don't want her to feel like it's a thing.
Involve her in the healthy cooking/exercise. Let her pick foods at the grocery store - like tell her to pick a fruit she's never tried or a veggie. Have her help chop and cook (whatever she's safe to do of course). Let her pick an activity to do with you - exercise isn't necessarily about the gym and strident counting of steps/reps.
Turn off the TV/other digital babysitters when it's not a favorite show for one of you.
Change is weird and hard - she may resist. Just keep changing you and encouraging her to participate. She will come around and want to in time. She's gotten on 9 on the current plan, she might not be all set to give up all that just yet
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I am sure many will be able to relate! You are very level headed, in spite of her terrible attitude and words!
I think you should continue to find ways to honor her as your mother, but I also think you likely will never be able to trust her with a deeper connection with you...her focus and view of life is too unhealthy and damaging. I hope that she will change, as I am sure you hope. But don't allow her to cut you down. Your mind and emotions belong to you and your husband, not to her! People outside your marriage, no matter WHO they are, should only make you glad to see them coming. Period.0 -
Good question, you should start a thread.OK here is a flip side to this question and one which I would love some opinions and advice. I have been big (5'10" since I was a freshman in high school) and always heavier than all my friends and my little sister. My mother didn't say much to me growing up about my weight, if I was pretty or not. At 47 I am 100 lbs over weight. Now I have a 9 year old daughter who is following in my footsteps and she has my exact body when I was younger. I don't know if I should say anything to her, or if I should just keep quiet like my parents did. I often have wondered if my mother would have said something to me I might have done something about it then?? But I don't want to be the critical mom either? Any advice/opinions on this?0 -
I haven't spoken to my mother in over a year. Not sure if I ever will. That's extreme I know, but I am sure happier without her negativity0
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Yes, my mother is HYPER critical too. She has been digging on me about my weighnt since puberty. I have PCOS, and started gaining weight around maybe 6th-7th grade, and I'm now 47. She has gotten better these last two years by some miracle, I don't know how....could be that I'm working on it. I dunno.
She told me that nice boys don't like fat girls. Took me to an OB/GYN when I was 17 who teased me while my feet were in the stirrups that he'd only seen stretch marks like the ones I had on pregnant women - the only reason he said something was because my mother asked him to. She even bothered a recent doctor of mine, "what about her weight" - he said, "She has PCOS. She's going to be battling it all her life." STILL she didn't back off.
No matter what I did, she never backed off. No matter what I said, she never backed off. I'd tell her how hurtful the comments were, and that what she was doing was more detrimental than helpful - didn't matter. Told her all her good intentions were appreciated, but it didn't mean a thing because if I wanted to lose weight, it was MY decision, not hers, and I'd have to be the one doing the work, not her. She kept saying she didn't think I realized just how fat I really was. AS IF....I know what size my clothes are. I see myself in the mirror every day. DUUUHH!!!!
Truthfully, the only thing you can do for your own sanity is limit your exposure to her. She is a negative influence, and that's not what you need in your life right now. I'm not saying stay away forever, but just limit your exposure to a known negative influence. When she starts talking trash, get up and leave the room. If she follows, let her know that you're not going to let her talk to you like that anymore. If she continues, actually gather your stuff and leave.
I live 2 hours from my parents. Sometimes it's WAY too far, and other times, it's WAYYY too close. I've done that before....said, "Look, knock it off or we're leaving." They accused me of being childish..."Now that's an adult reaction." LOL As if what they were subjecting me too was adult behavior!!! When they realized I was serious, they would finally shut up about it.
Meanwhile, it would help for you to see a therapist to get a lot of this stuff off your chest. I've been seeing one since I started this journey, and it's really helped. Particularly since he's had gastric bypass, and been through the journey himself. She keeps saying she doens't know what he's doing for me but it helps. Yes, it helps me to have a sane person to talk to about my weight!! LOL
Anyway - wish there was something I could do to help! I feel for ya!!!0 -
Some of the replies are so profound and on point. Amazing advice from people who have been in your shoes, OP.
Good luck with your decision. Remember you're not alone and take good care of yourself.0 -
My mom was also super critical of my weight. I am 6ft tall and 6ft wide. My mum was tiny and petite. I could stand with my arm stretched out and she would fit under it.
She was always obsessed with being thin.
I would not even attempt dieting because I did not want to hear any more of her comments about my weight, even if they were nice
That being said, that was only one small part about my mom. I would dread going to visit because I knew there would be comments about my weight and how I look but at the end of each visit, I always felt a bit better for spending time with her because she was actually a really lovely lady. Beautiful, clever, funny and vivacious
I think moms are critical of their daughters because they want the best for them. Just think about when you were little playing with dolls. You always wanted to dress them up and do their hair and make them beautiful. I have such fights with my daughter sometimes when she wants to wear the most hideous combinations of clothes - and she is only 6!
It is best to try not to dwell on the one negative aspect of your relationship and rather dwell on the good things. Treasure each moment with her
My mom lost a very long and difficult battle with cancer 2 years ago and it is only since she died that I have been able to lose weight but I would rather weigh double what I do now and have her back and healthy.0 -
oh my I feel so bad for you. my mother, who was adopted and overweight her entire life, went through this same treatment from my grandmother. I think they mean well and may be projecting their own insecurities and the fact that they don't want you to be in the same predicament they think they are in but its still not right. You are a beautiful and confident woman. I think you are right in not telling anyone about your weight loss journey who does not support you. You need all the supportive advice and comments you can get right now. Just wait and let her take it in once you start showing off your new weight loss. I know that I have fought myself in these sort of comments. I have been my worst enemy my entire life especially in front of the mirror until now. I finally feel good about myself and have cut out anybody who wants to bring me down or make me feel bad about myself. Now I am not saying to cut out your mother but you got to limit these sort of interactions and put on your strong "smile and nod" face when you go around her. Its not you, its her. Be strong and know that you have tons of support here.0
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