Having the "talk" with your child
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I don't get embarrassed about it, that's one of societies ills. I'm open about it and just tell them as it is. I don't want my kids to feel embarrassed if they have a problem and feel unable to talk to me about it.0
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My daughter is 6. She'll be 7 this year. She already knows the basics about pretty much everything. For me it's important to keep kids informed, obviously in an age appropriate fashion. I think lack of information is dangerous. I wouldn't feel awkward or embarrassed if my children asked me anything. I feel this way because that's how my mum was with me. When she had her first period she had no idea what was happening to her, she ran to her mum, my nan, in a panic and was just shouted at for making a mess, and that was it!0
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I'm a Mum of a Girl 13 and a Boy 11 and also a counsellor who work's with families.
The best story I've come across is this one..
5am....A 6 year old girl wakes her mum. "Mummy, mummy, wake up". Mum all delirious and exhausted, forces her eyes open and looks at her little curious 6YO. "What is it sweetie?".
"Mummy what's Sex?"
Oh Lordy, lordy. Where does a woman summon all the essential knowledge at 5am for the BIG question. This is it. This is the big question. Do I start with the birds and the bees. Do I use the right words like penis and vagina or do we go for 'wee wee' and 'who ha'. (IE: what ever you want to call those bits). Mum is lying there thinking of the alternative...the 'you can ask Daddy' alternative. She shakes her head, no that wont work. She would have to deal with the trauma from him too! Um, maybe about love, lets start at love and being in a relationship and sometimes a man and woman who love each other so much they start with a hug and then a kiss. Oh heavy subject next, taking clothes off, gosh she's gunna question us as parents if we ever take a shirt off or she walks in while changing! No, too hard. Um, the stalk - Yeah that's an option. Sex results in a Stalk flying in a bringing a baby! Wow, this is hard.
Oh what the hell man, who asks this stuff at 5am!!!
So the Mum dealt the question card back to her.
"So what is it you want to know sweetie?"
"Mummy, why don't ducks wear pants?"
WOW. What a potentially traumatic moment that kid could have just landed herself in. The rant of body bits and getting naked and and and.....
Dang matey, just ask what she wants to know and use the why question. "What is it you want to know sweetie?"
Good back up plan is to grab a book on 'Puberty for Boys' and 'Puberty for girls'.
I had that talk with my daughter multiple times, ever the curious child. My son only ever got interested in that kind of 'topic' once. The effect was completely memorable if you ever need a hearty chuckle!!
cheers
Louisa.0 -
ETA: I find a little humor with the older kids helps alleviate tension. I recently told my oldest "always remember! Spooning leads to forking!" She about died laughing.
Bwhahahahaha!0 -
My mum told me that when I was 6 years old I asked "Mummy, what's rape?"
She freaked out internally, then she asked me why I wanted to know, and it turned out that at school we had been learning about fish.
Oooph!!!! What a set-up!0 -
My wife just had the talk with our 8 year old.
It was 2 hours of questions and answers.
Kids are naturally curious, just realize that she will grow up one day and you want her ready for it.0 -
I'm a biology teacher... (albeit currently working in different jobs).... I've taught this subject to whole classes of giggling year 7 students. (that's the age they teach this in science in the UK) Talking to kids individually is a lot easier than a whole bunch of them, especially when they're teens and pre-teens. So you have that advantage as a parent....
An important point as a parent..... rather than having "THE TALK" with your child, try to just be honest and open with their questions, just as you would be with any other subject. If they ask "why do you go to work?" you'd tell them that you have to go to work to earn money to buy stuff... you're not going to sit them down and give them a whole lesson in economics and work ethics.... you give them an age appropriate answer, then answer any more questions that come from that.... it should be the same with sex, relationships and all related topics. So they ask "what is sex?" you can just tell them what it is... it's a bit harder to explain, hence books etc with age appropriate diagrams and explanations but just try to treat it like any other question.... too much information in one go will often send kids into information overload... give them a straight forward answer, then answer whatever questions they have.
(Actually the biggest difficulty in teaching this topic to year 7s is making them realise that they're never going to get an exam question like this:
Fill in the blanks: The man puts his _________ into the woman's __________.
They're going to get exam questions about fertilisation in plants, or labelling the male and female reproductive system (not just the most obvious organ), the life cycle of frogs, about pregnancy, placentas and stuff like that, because reproduction is a much much wider topic than sex...) but that's for science teachers to worry about.... as a parent your kids aren't going to be doing any tests in the subject (well I guess they will at school at some point).... so just focus on giving honest answers to your kid's questions and get an age appropriate book to help you out if necessary.
Honesty and openness is vitally important if you want your kids to come to you for advice about stuff like this when they're older, and that can make a big difference in terms of them understanding the importance of safe sex, not being pressured into it before they're ready, etc.
This.
It's just sex.0 -
My mother didn't shy away from this stuff and I knew from about age 4 or 5 that the man's _______ goes in the woman's _______ and that is how the baby gets made. We were encouraged to ask questions and we all knew the mechanics of how it happened from a young age. We also knew it was something that adults did, and that it wasn't the best topic to talk about when we were in other company. My parents tied this information in with their lessons about stranger danger and also the discussions that secrets are bad (although this lesson got amended to 'short secrets' (fine) vs 'long secrets' (not good) when I announced to my dad what everything he was getting for his birthday because 'we don't keep secrets'). I think they did it really well.
Despite that I still remember giggling my head off at age 11 when our teacher got into more detail, so although it was never a taboo subject in our family I was just as embarrassed as all the other kids while learning at school.0 -
In the case of how your daughter asked, she doesn't want to know what sex is, she wants to know why everyone is talking about it like its bad. The answer can be really simple here. Sex is something that happens between a man and a woman when they love each other. It isn't wrong, but Justin and Selena aren't married and are very young. So sex is not wrong, but its best to do after marriage and with the person you love. It should also be very private and the people talking about Justin and Selena probably should mind their own business.
Be careful with the detail, doesn't sound like your daughter is ready. Sounds like she just wants to know at a high level. Most times the questions aren't all that deep.
Answer the questions asked simply, you don't need to give details yet.0 -
In the case of how your daughter asked, she doesn't want to know what sex is, she wants to know why everyone is talking about it like its bad. The answer can be really simple here. Sex is something that happens between a man and a woman when they love each other. It isn't wrong, but Justin and Selena aren't married and are very young. So sex is not wrong, but its best to do after marriage and with the person you love. It should also be very private and the people talking about Justin and Selena probably should mind their own business.
Be careful with the detail, doesn't sound like your daughter is ready. Sounds like she just wants to know at a high level. Most times the questions aren't all that deep.
Answer the questions asked simply, you don't need to give details yet.
Erm not wanting to jump in and cause a thread derailment but sex doesn't just occur between a man and a woman or necessarily involve marriage. That's just your morality but doesn't make it correct information to give to children0 -
Answer her truthfully and only give information that she is asking for.0
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My personal feeling on this was . . . .I would rather my kids hear about what sex is from me, rather then their friends. So, with my daughter, I asked her . . . Are kids in school talking about sex. She said yes, but she didn't really know what it meant. So I told her.
I started by saying, "You are going to hear kids talk about this a lot over the years, and most of the time, they are not going to know what the heck they are saying. It will be stuff they heard somewhere or even made up. So, I want you to know, you can always ask me anything, and I will always tell you the truth. I promise." That was about 4 years ago (when she was 9), and I have kept my promise. My daughter, does come to me to talk about this stuff. No subject is off the table.
One tip I can give you is, we had the initial conversation in the car, while she was sitting in the back seat behind me. She didn't have to look at me, and I think it made her feel less embarrassed. Probably me a little bit too. She did ask questions and I answered them honestly. My daughter happens to be pretty bright (high IQ), so her questions were more detailed then some other the kids might be. Give her/him the basics and let them ask what they want to know. But tell the truth. Eventually they will find out if you were lying or not. I don't lie to my kids. It's just the way it's been with me and them all along.
Good luck!0 -
This was the talk my parents had with me:
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I had Prodigy and Compuserve by the time I was about 12 or 13. I figured it all out pretty quick.
ETA: That is not in any way helpful of course. And I don't have kids, so anything I say is no doubt completely useless. However, I think it's important for kids to understand that sex is not "bad," but to understand that sex can have serious lifelong consequences and that it must be done responsibly and safely.0 -
Had three girls. Never had to have "the Talk". Wife's responsibility.0
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We have the book It's So Amazing!: A Book about Eggs, Sperm, Birth, Babies, and Families by Robie Harris & basically read through the book with our kids little by little. It's also just floating around the house in case they want to read it on their own. I think 9 is old enough to be fully informed. Our church also gives classes called Our Whole Lives: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Our_Whole_Lives . It doesn't have any religious stuff in it as it is. Just check with the organization hosting it to be sure if that is not up your alley, because there is a section that does have to do with faith if they choose to give it. I highly recommend it if you can find it in your area. My 2 oldest have gone & it really does cover everything.0
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I never had "the talk" but opted instead to answer every question honestly, with an age appropriate answer. And sometimes, it isn't even a question, but a comment, and that comment is an open door for honesty and truth (age appropriate). I have a 24 year old who is married 5 years (yeah i know-young) but no kids, no unplanned pregnancies. I have a 16 1/2 year old. Both are girls.
The question of "what is sex" would have a different answer for a 5 year old, than an 8 year old. How you handle those questions and comments at an early age sets the tone for communication in the teen years. Both my kids are very open with me. And they always "ran things past me" that they heard from peers....it's CRAZY what kids tell each other.0 -
My parents never had the talk with me and I kept from having sex until I was in college.
I guess that approach doesn't always work out so well though.
Why is that a bad thing?:huh:0 -
mom of 10 yo here, my daughter knew basically how babies were made and how the come out of a mommy in kindergarten (as she instructed her classmates on how the baby will come out of their teacher who was expecting that year.....)
It is more than one talk, and I think it really helps to grab some age appropriate books from the library. I have books around and talk to my daughter now then about sex just whenever things come up. I had a hard time with explaining rape in 4th grade since she heard that word at school. My goals are that by 11 or 12 she will be aware of all the facts and issues about sex including emotional issues, STDs prevalance in teens, etc.
So far so good here. Once you start talking the parental discomfort goes away.0 -
I never had "the talk" with either of my kids. Honest, open, age-appropriate discussion all the time. There was never a sit down, birds and the bees talk.0
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THere's never been a one time "talk"....always situational and always at their inquiry. When I was pregnant with my last child, the older ones were 14, 12, 8 & 6. The 14 & 12 year olds knew how that happened, but the 8 & 6 year olds were curious. I explained that dads and moms have different body parts that they use to make a baby. And as needed, I expounded on the concept. My son thought that you pooped babies out....had to correct that one a bit. But, I never tried to give them TOO much information. Now, the 8 year old is almost 16 and we've had talks about self gratification and such. Why me and not my husband with that talk, I don't know. But we had that talk. Know your values, and how you want your kids to understand and appreciate the bodies they have and the wonderful things we get to do with them as we get to appropriate ages. (You get to define appropriate for your family.)
:-)0 -
[I have a general recommendation: Don't tell the kid too much. By that I mean more than they want to know.
When they seem satisfied with your answer you can stop talking till they have another question. (at least pre puberty, there's stuff that needs to be covered around then whether they ask or not)
Sorta extreme example if a three year old asks where babies come from the answer is "They grow inside their mothers." They will be perfectly happy with this answer. Launching into a discussion of coitus and relationships, sexual pleasure and the responsibilities of reproduction would just baffle them.
For a 9 year old "What is sex?" You probably don't need to get into the precise mechanics. He probably just wants to know what kind of thing it is like...category wise. So the answer could be as simple as saying it's something couples do that can make babies.
"The Talk" goes a lot better if you don't try to have it all at once. Just talk to your kid as they grow up. Answer questions.
I like this post a lot. With that said, my kids still think babies come out of belly buttons, and I have no current plans to change that viewpoint.0 -
I've always kept an open dialogue with my daughter (11) about sex. It's easier than having some weird sit-down discussion one day. It's the same with drugs, alcohol, food, body image, celebrities, criminals, politics, etc.
Just this morning we talked about how marijuana is legal here now and how it's been drilled into her brain by school and other sources that it's bad mmkay. I had to tell her that it's just a plant and that it benefits sick people, is safer than alcohol, but is still for only adults.
I don't want my daughter to be shocked by the world. Ever.
ETA: We also the words penis, vagina and sex gratuitously around the house. It embarrasses the hell out of her but at least she won't end up calling it a hoo hoo or some stupid crap like that.0 -
My parents were always open about it; None of this "stork" nonsense... I was six years old when my mom had me watch a show on PBS and we had a talk about it afterward. Then my school required a class series in sixth grade which cleared up some misconceptions (no pun intended), and then again one final series during health class my freshman year in high school. I didn't learn anything new there except for STD dangers and how to put a condom on a banana. They also ran the video I had seen when I was six.
I don't see why this is considered a big deal, but denial of knowledge is never an answer to a fundamental question.0 -
I have kids aged 7, 12, and 15 so all at very different stages. Each one has had a difference in how much they want to know at what age. Having livestock our kids knew the mechanics at a young age. One of our children is adopted and had teenage birth parents so that brought up some issues too about the consequences of sex. All three feel comfortable asking us questions for the most part. With the older two, I talk a lot about how sex is portrayed in media (i.e. something to joke about) vs. our own morality. It's sort of something that is an ongoing conversation as they get older because while a 7 year old might want to just know the basics, a teenager needs to know about not being pressured, not pressuring, prevention of STD's and birth control. So it gets more complicated as they get older, better to get an ease with talking about things while they are younger. They hear all kinds of things at school (and mine go to a private Christian school but the kids there talk about it too) so I 'd rather they clarify things at home. Just my opinion of course.0
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ETA: We also the words penis, vagina and sex gratuitously around the house. It embarrasses the hell out of her but at least she won't end up calling it a hoo hoo or some stupid crap like that.
^^^ Me too! It's hilarious to me that people make up stupid names. It's a body part, just like an arm or a leg.0
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