My wife is driving me insane

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  • IIIIISerenityNowIIIII
    IIIIISerenityNowIIIII Posts: 425 Member
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    Honestly, she probably needs ger loving and devoted husband to give her a verbal wake up call. Try not to attack her or make her feel backed into a corner, but she needs to know how you fell about her unwillingness to diet and exercise.
  • determinedbutlazy
    determinedbutlazy Posts: 1,941 Member
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    If you don't have anything to say to the OP, don't reply.

    OP: Killing with kindness may be a way forward here. Explain to your wife that you love her very much and that you can't imagine having to live without her should she die prematurely from complications to do with her weight. Try to educate her a little. She might be resistant to change because it's all so confusing and weight loss is a daunting thing. She may be terrified to fail. She may be resentful or a little angry at herself for letting it get so bad. I have felt all these things personally.
    Tell her you'll be doing it with her. You can show her healthy recipe sites, eat what she eats, go for walks together, find an active hobby you both enjoy.

    Losing weight is terrifying when your life depends on it. It's easy to just give up and let it take over until it literally kills you. The fact that she keeps whining about it shows she wants to change. Try and ask her a little more about why she is so resistant to adding more protein to her diet... Maybe you can get her a shake and use it to make smoothies?

    There is a way around this resistance, but it all needs to be communication and understanding, even when she's being a giant pain in the *kitten*.
  • FemmeFitFarm
    FemmeFitFarm Posts: 25
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    you may be doing this already but my best advice would be to lead by example.

    my parents were in the same predicament, driving each other crazzzzzzzzy. my mom had all these great plans and ideas for getting healthy and would never follow through. finally my dad just decided to start eating healthy and working out, and eventually she caught on and they did it together.

    perhaps take some initiative, start doing the cooking yourself. start a working regimen of your own. focus on your own health and your own goals and she is likely to follow.
  • metacognition
    metacognition Posts: 626 Member
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    My guess is that she's bringing up the weight loss issue because she craves your approval and is painfully aware of your attention to diet and exercise, in contrast to her lack of it.

    Superficially she knows about the habits needed to create weight loss, but right now the impulse to eat to excess as well as the sluggishness that comes with prolonged inactivity is keeping her from taking the uncomfortable, but necessary action. Losing weight is unpleasant and the side effects are the worst when starting to diet. Exercise doesn't really get enjoyable until one builds a base of fitness and the body grows accustomed to daily activity.

    When / if she is ready to drop pounds the chances are she will stop complaining and start to make meaningful changes without needing to tell anyone.

    Don't take your wife too seriously even though she is complaining about her weight. Just nod and smile.
    Until she's willing to do something now rather than talk, it's just noise.
  • Iknowsaur
    Iknowsaur Posts: 777 Member
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    BAAAAAW SOMEONE SAID SOMETHING ON THE INTERNET THAT WASN'T FUNNY TO ME AND I WAS OFFENDED AND WHY DOES NO-ONE CARE ABOUT MY FEELS, I'M GOING TO DERAIL THE THREAD BECAUSE MEEEEEEEE.

    If you don't have anything to say to the OP, don't reply.

    OP: Killing with kindness may be a way forward here. Explain to your wife that you love her very much and that you can't imagine having to live without her should she die prematurely from complications to do with her weight. Try to educate her a little. She might be resistant to change because it's all so confusing and weight loss is a daunting thing. She may be terrified to fail. She may be resentful or a little angry at herself for letting it get so bad. I have felt all these things personally.
    Tell her you'll be doing it with her. You can show her healthy recipe sites, eat what she eats, go for walks together, find an active hobby you both enjoy.

    Losing weight is terrifying when your life depends on it. It's easy to just give up and let it take over until it literally kills you. The fact that she keeps whining about it shows she wants to change. Try and ask her a little more about why she is so resistant to adding more protein to her diet... Maybe you can get her a shake and use it to make smoothies?

    There is a way around this resistance, but it all needs to be communication and understanding, even when she's being a giant pain in the *kitten*.

    I'm guessing that was directed at me, even though my first reply was very similar to your advice --;

    I would advise against taking the negative route (she could die prematurely) as long as the OP can, though. That's a terrifying thing to hear, and it would probably be especially hard coming from him, who is supposed to be her source of undying support. Something softer, at least to begin with, would have my vote.
  • hedgiie
    hedgiie Posts: 1,245 Member
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    she's miss lead. being healthy takes time as it affects someone's mentality and behavior otherwise she's disillusional in hoping to be in good shape without changing anything
  • MsJulielicious
    MsJulielicious Posts: 708 Member
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    Not much you can do other than encourage her and attempt to educate her.
    She sounds like she is going back and forth between the pre-contemplation and contemplation phases of weight loss/lifestyle change without ever making it into the planning and action stages. This is pretty common and I have been there, and have to say the decision to plan, take action, see it through, and make it a lifestyle took time and was only because I myself really wanted it.
    You can't make someone want something. You can't "fix" somebody.
    It's difficult to want the best for someone you care about and not see them take the appropriate steps.
    You have the options of encouragement, counseling, ignoring the problem (like she is), or distancing yourself.
    Whichever route you choose this is ultimately her problem, her bad decision making, and it's affecting you negatively. So, keep taking care of yourself, and make a decision regarding how you want to handle your partner's destructive behavior.
  • juicyjen3
    juicyjen3 Posts: 1
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    Have you heard of an ASKHOLE. It is a person who constantly asks for advice and then does the exact opposite. Kind of the same deal with your wife - so frustrating! She won't change until she is ready. If I were you I would practice some deep breathing.
  • kmshred
    kmshred Posts: 393 Member
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    you could possibly suggest a cheat day a week where she can eat that crap as long as she's in a big enough deficit during the week eating good stuff?!
  • SLLRunner
    SLLRunner Posts: 12,943 Member
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    K9,

    Tell her how you feel about here behavior.

    Tell her that insanity is going down the same road and expecting different results.

    However, I know you know you can't change her, you can only tell her how you feel.
  • dollarstitch
    dollarstitch Posts: 26 Member
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    lol!!!
  • crimsontech
    crimsontech Posts: 234 Member
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    I would recommend shared "suffering" and baby steps. Or possibly a wager of some sort where the loser has to do all the laundry/mopping/vacuuming/whatever for a month... or maybe something bedroom-related, like if she fails in her goal, she has to give you a *B*reakfast *J*ack once a week for a month. (that joke makes more sense if you live in a city with Jack In The Box restaurants. ;)

    In my limited experience, though I also have a fiance who goes back and forth with motivation issues, you can't force it, and you can't make them feel bad about it. Try to involve her a new activity without it sounding like you're trying to get her to make healthier choices.

    At the end of the day, she has to want to do it, and sometimes it takes something extreme to finally trigger it for someone.
  • alisonlynn1976
    alisonlynn1976 Posts: 929 Member
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    Maybe she keeps bringing it up because she's fishing for you to tell her that she's perfect as she is and doesn't need to change.

    Untreated diabetes is going to have serious consequences. She needs to quit worrying about "body of a supermodel" and start worrying about her health! If there is any way at all that you can convince her to see a doctor as a first step, do that.
  • leeswoods
    leeswoods Posts: 1
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    I would love to have someone pay for me to get some help. Most clinics can refer to a wt loss/ nutrition group, bu they are pricey. Maybe helping her get signed up?
  • NapsAndNachos
    NapsAndNachos Posts: 80
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    Seen the exact same thing in people I know. They come to me and ask what they should do to lose weight, and I explain and they pretty much say to everything "I'm not going to do that". They all want to keep on doing the exact same thing they've done before, whilst losing weight. One of them hoovers all the food around her and then tells me that she doesn't eat that much or eats really healthy. The lack of self-awareness is stupefying.

    They know they need to do something different to lose weight, but are just being childish. "I don't wanna". It's pointless to argue with someone like that, because rational arguments aren't going to do anything. Reverse psychology might, or being brutally honest, or just simply ignoring the "askhole" behavior.

    You can love a person and be supportive of them, but you don't have to accept bad behavior.
  • auntiebabs
    auntiebabs Posts: 1,754 Member
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    First off (and I'm sure you know this and just needed to vent) you can't control other people.
    Your wife has to do it for herself, not for you. To your credit it doesn't sound like you are pressuring her to change, just that she's a bit jealous of the changes you've made and doesn't see herself as capable of it.

    my vent
    WHY, WHY, WHY do people feel the need to "jump start" or have deadlines for their weight loss?????
    It doesn't matter how quickly you take it off if you can't keep it off. Studies show that the slower you lose the longer you keep it off.
    The whole "jump start" strategy means...you have to relearn how to eat twice once when you are "on a diet" (depriving yourself?) Then again to maintain. It's much easier if you learn healthy eating habits from the get go.
    {pardon me}

    One of the phrases that got me motivated was when my best friend said "just lose the first 5 lbs"

    Next time she complains that she's not yet ready to follow thru on her 2lb/wk plan,
    suggest that she might want to GET USED TO TRACKING BEFORE SHE WORRIES ABOUT LOSING WEIGHT.

    Here's what's worked for me don't dump it on her all at once… just drop a bug in her ear every week or so.
    The good news is you don't have to be perfect, you just have to be better.

    ++Track for a week or two before worrying about losing. This way you'll see where you really stand odds are it is different than where you thought you were, which is actually good news...

    ++Be scrupulously honest... you can lie to your friends, you can lie in your diary, you can lie to yourself, but YOUR BODY KNOWS EVERYTHING YOU EAT. So you might as well be honest in your diary (keep it private if you like) but you need that info because you can't get where you are going if your are not honest about where you are right now.

    ++See where you can make small changes on things that aren't so important to you.
    (Don't even think of taking chocolate out of my diet!!!)
    --Reducing quantities
    --Swapping out things instead of eliminating them.

    ++Focus on what you should eat not what your shouldn't.
    Eating your nutritious foods first. Your body will be more satisfied and have less cravings.

    ++Small sustainable changes.
    Every couple of weeks see where you can make another couple of small changes.
    If you completely revamp your diet, it's way easy to revert to old ways in times of stress. (and who doesn't have stress?)
    If you make a series of small changes, food still offers you some sense of comfort, sort of a comfort continuum, and after a while the first small changes will seem comforting in themselves. Also rather than having to think about everything all the time. You only have to think about a 2 or 3 new things to focus on.

    ++Rather than being uberstrict with the target MFP set for me. (I swear this saved my life.) I was happier once I gave myself a range:

    ROCK BOTTOM: 1200 cal
    TARGET: MFP Calories for lose 1 lb a week (when that hit 1200 I changed to lose 1/2 lb per week)
    TOP OF RANGE: Maintain Calories for my GOAL Weight.
    (SAFETY VALVE: Maintain Calories for CURRENT Weight - remember to keep updating this number as you lose)

    ++Only worry about it 1 lb at a time.
    Forget I *NEED* to lose 20, 30, 50, 100 lbs. I'm only worried about 1 lb the next one. I'll worry about the others later.
    Once I found ways to lessen the stress, I found it way easier to focus on the process and let the results follow. (It's what worked for me some people need the stress to get them motivated. Me I get scared and overwhelmed and don't see the big goal as achievable. )


    Food is not the enemy. You need nutrition to fuel your body and make it strong.

    Most vitamins are fat soluable... so remember to include plant and fish based fats (HAPPY FATS) so you can access the nutrients in your food.

    All of your foods fall into 1 or more of 3 macro nutrient categories
    FATS • CARBS • PROTIENS ... I personally think it's unwise to severely restrict any one of these categories.
    Instead of eliminating or limiting quantity focus on the quality...

    HAPPY FATS (Plant and fish bases)
    COMPLEX CARBS (un or minimally processed)
    LEAN PROTEINS

    Oddly enough, on my journey here I've reduced guilt over food.
    I have the occasional treat and I fully enjoy it with no guilt involved.
    The thing is since I'm not eating crap all the time, now the occasional treat is just that a TREAT it's special and I enjoy it so much more than when I was unconsciously shovel junk food into my face.
  • littleburgy
    littleburgy Posts: 570 Member
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    You could always tell her to "put up or shut up", but that probably won't go over well. :happy: Unfortunately it's something she has to finally decide for herself. Hopefully your good habits will rub off on her but the horse analogy is true.
  • Flyer69
    Flyer69 Posts: 100 Member
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    Read this, will give some perspective

    http://www.news.com.au/lifestyle/health/five-things-to-never-say-about-someones-weight/story-fneuzkvr-1226829256304

    33524370.png
  • rachrach7595
    rachrach7595 Posts: 151 Member
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    Sadly I am a of the group of people that believes... if you dont like something - change it. If your not willing to take the steps to change it - STFU!
    I'm not cold... I let the person vent a few times but if it takes the form of pointless whining (your wife)... then the buck literally stops there and I am done hearing it. Take it elsewhere. Thanks very much.

    If she would like to see the outcome of untreated diabetes I am happy to send my uncle around... he has had several toes amputated on one foot and has his leg amputated below the knee on the other leg. I sincerely doubt that is the life she wants for herself.
  • whitebalance
    whitebalance Posts: 1,655 Member
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    Step one is admitting you have a problem. Congratulations to her, she's taken step one. It can take years between wanting the outcome, knowing what is required to get it, and actually taking action. And then one day she will start. Perhaps when she sees your results and can envision the process working for her. When she starts, then she may be more receptive to your guidance. In the meantime, though, you can't force it. I'd suggest just being her quiet example by focusing on your own goals.

    Or yeah, you could always JBU.

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