My wife is driving me insane
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lol!!!0
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I would recommend shared "suffering" and baby steps. Or possibly a wager of some sort where the loser has to do all the laundry/mopping/vacuuming/whatever for a month... or maybe something bedroom-related, like if she fails in her goal, she has to give you a *B*reakfast *J*ack once a week for a month. (that joke makes more sense if you live in a city with Jack In The Box restaurants.
In my limited experience, though I also have a fiance who goes back and forth with motivation issues, you can't force it, and you can't make them feel bad about it. Try to involve her a new activity without it sounding like you're trying to get her to make healthier choices.
At the end of the day, she has to want to do it, and sometimes it takes something extreme to finally trigger it for someone.0 -
Maybe she keeps bringing it up because she's fishing for you to tell her that she's perfect as she is and doesn't need to change.
Untreated diabetes is going to have serious consequences. She needs to quit worrying about "body of a supermodel" and start worrying about her health! If there is any way at all that you can convince her to see a doctor as a first step, do that.0 -
I would love to have someone pay for me to get some help. Most clinics can refer to a wt loss/ nutrition group, bu they are pricey. Maybe helping her get signed up?0
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Seen the exact same thing in people I know. They come to me and ask what they should do to lose weight, and I explain and they pretty much say to everything "I'm not going to do that". They all want to keep on doing the exact same thing they've done before, whilst losing weight. One of them hoovers all the food around her and then tells me that she doesn't eat that much or eats really healthy. The lack of self-awareness is stupefying.
They know they need to do something different to lose weight, but are just being childish. "I don't wanna". It's pointless to argue with someone like that, because rational arguments aren't going to do anything. Reverse psychology might, or being brutally honest, or just simply ignoring the "askhole" behavior.
You can love a person and be supportive of them, but you don't have to accept bad behavior.0 -
First off (and I'm sure you know this and just needed to vent) you can't control other people.
Your wife has to do it for herself, not for you. To your credit it doesn't sound like you are pressuring her to change, just that she's a bit jealous of the changes you've made and doesn't see herself as capable of it.
my vent
WHY, WHY, WHY do people feel the need to "jump start" or have deadlines for their weight loss?????
It doesn't matter how quickly you take it off if you can't keep it off. Studies show that the slower you lose the longer you keep it off.
The whole "jump start" strategy means...you have to relearn how to eat twice once when you are "on a diet" (depriving yourself?) Then again to maintain. It's much easier if you learn healthy eating habits from the get go.
{pardon me}
One of the phrases that got me motivated was when my best friend said "just lose the first 5 lbs"
Next time she complains that she's not yet ready to follow thru on her 2lb/wk plan,
suggest that she might want to GET USED TO TRACKING BEFORE SHE WORRIES ABOUT LOSING WEIGHT.
Here's what's worked for me don't dump it on her all at once… just drop a bug in her ear every week or so.The good news is you don't have to be perfect, you just have to be better.
++Track for a week or two before worrying about losing. This way you'll see where you really stand odds are it is different than where you thought you were, which is actually good news...
++Be scrupulously honest... you can lie to your friends, you can lie in your diary, you can lie to yourself, but YOUR BODY KNOWS EVERYTHING YOU EAT. So you might as well be honest in your diary (keep it private if you like) but you need that info because you can't get where you are going if your are not honest about where you are right now.
++See where you can make small changes on things that aren't so important to you.
(Don't even think of taking chocolate out of my diet!!!)
--Reducing quantities
--Swapping out things instead of eliminating them.
++Focus on what you should eat not what your shouldn't.
Eating your nutritious foods first. Your body will be more satisfied and have less cravings.
++Small sustainable changes.
Every couple of weeks see where you can make another couple of small changes.
If you completely revamp your diet, it's way easy to revert to old ways in times of stress. (and who doesn't have stress?)
If you make a series of small changes, food still offers you some sense of comfort, sort of a comfort continuum, and after a while the first small changes will seem comforting in themselves. Also rather than having to think about everything all the time. You only have to think about a 2 or 3 new things to focus on.
++Rather than being uberstrict with the target MFP set for me. (I swear this saved my life.) I was happier once I gave myself a range:
ROCK BOTTOM: 1200 cal
TARGET: MFP Calories for lose 1 lb a week (when that hit 1200 I changed to lose 1/2 lb per week)
TOP OF RANGE: Maintain Calories for my GOAL Weight.
(SAFETY VALVE: Maintain Calories for CURRENT Weight - remember to keep updating this number as you lose)
++Only worry about it 1 lb at a time.
Forget I *NEED* to lose 20, 30, 50, 100 lbs. I'm only worried about 1 lb the next one. I'll worry about the others later.
Once I found ways to lessen the stress, I found it way easier to focus on the process and let the results follow. (It's what worked for me some people need the stress to get them motivated. Me I get scared and overwhelmed and don't see the big goal as achievable. )
Food is not the enemy. You need nutrition to fuel your body and make it strong.
Most vitamins are fat soluable... so remember to include plant and fish based fats (HAPPY FATS) so you can access the nutrients in your food.
All of your foods fall into 1 or more of 3 macro nutrient categories
FATS • CARBS • PROTIENS ... I personally think it's unwise to severely restrict any one of these categories.
Instead of eliminating or limiting quantity focus on the quality...
HAPPY FATS (Plant and fish bases)
COMPLEX CARBS (un or minimally processed)
LEAN PROTEINS
Oddly enough, on my journey here I've reduced guilt over food.
I have the occasional treat and I fully enjoy it with no guilt involved.
The thing is since I'm not eating crap all the time, now the occasional treat is just that a TREAT it's special and I enjoy it so much more than when I was unconsciously shovel junk food into my face.0 -
You could always tell her to "put up or shut up", but that probably won't go over well. :happy: Unfortunately it's something she has to finally decide for herself. Hopefully your good habits will rub off on her but the horse analogy is true.0
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Read this, will give some perspective
http://www.news.com.au/lifestyle/health/five-things-to-never-say-about-someones-weight/story-fneuzkvr-1226829256304
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Sadly I am a of the group of people that believes... if you dont like something - change it. If your not willing to take the steps to change it - STFU!
I'm not cold... I let the person vent a few times but if it takes the form of pointless whining (your wife)... then the buck literally stops there and I am done hearing it. Take it elsewhere. Thanks very much.
If she would like to see the outcome of untreated diabetes I am happy to send my uncle around... he has had several toes amputated on one foot and has his leg amputated below the knee on the other leg. I sincerely doubt that is the life she wants for herself.0 -
Step one is admitting you have a problem. Congratulations to her, she's taken step one. It can take years between wanting the outcome, knowing what is required to get it, and actually taking action. And then one day she will start. Perhaps when she sees your results and can envision the process working for her. When she starts, then she may be more receptive to your guidance. In the meantime, though, you can't force it. I'd suggest just being her quiet example by focusing on your own goals.
Or yeah, you could always JBU.0 -
Sorry but I have no advice
I am going through the same thing with my SO and don't offer suggestions any more. She comments that I don't invite her to go to the gym with me, but now when I invite her (straightforward "Do you want to go to the gym?" no longer "Hey, I'm going to the gym..") she huffs and sighs and although normally says okay, it is never willing. She talks about needing to lose weight and while she is getting better with reducing the high-carb meals, I watch her often also eat junk food on excess. Can't win the battle, like everyone else said, something will just have to click for her. 0 -
I think we've all been there for a certain time. I've been in the same place for the first part of my life, when I decided to lose weight I was almost 21, so I was young, but I've been trying to do this several times while growing up (they tried to put me on a diet at the age of 7...) and I've never been that successful before, if at all. It's usually because of so many different factors.
Most people are actually unsatisfied about being overweight, especially if they're also concerned about their health, but at the same time, it's hard to just change. It's hard because you have to accept that you need to change something about yourself and it feels like you've failed somewhere or made a mistake. It's hard to actually start losing weight when the pressure is so big. And in the end we all like to eat, and it's hard to give up certain "bad habits" to start eating healthy or exercising. It takes a lot of effort, and it's worth it, but this doesn't mean that it's not easy.
I think she might be in denial of her situation, she can speak about it clearly but can't decide to do it. Or she's just trying to see what you think about it by sharing with your her intentions.0 -
I've been there before, but maybe not to that extreme.
My husband challenged me to lose weight for a trip to Hawaii. I did it, but as soon as we got back I put it back on. That was in 2011 and the 2nd time I tried to do it for reasons other than my own.
I had to want to change for me and me alone. Nobody told me this time and I'm motivating myself. My favorite quote lately is "If you compete against others you will get bitter but if you compete against yourself you will get better."
Anyway, I agree with some others, the whole horse and drinking and all that.
Hang in there and be her sounding board if you can stand to. And hopefully she will make a choice to change for the better because that is what she ultimately wants to do.0 -
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Basically, she wants to continue to live and eat as she has always done, but wants the body of a supermodel. To me, this is the equivalent of waking up every day for 10 years insisting that you want to be an MD, but refusing to ever enroll in med school. I just want to scream every time she brings up the diet quest again because it's just the same tired *kitten* discussion about all the things she wants and all the things she *won't* do.
Are you my dad? Haha... this sounds just like my mom... except she doesn't want to be a supermodel. She just doesn't want to hurt/be sick anymore. Considering health, wellness, and food are main topics in my life, I can't be around her, hardly at all. It's way too frustrating.
Good luck to you!0 -
Has she herself got a plan of what she wants to do to lose the weight? Every time she talks about it, why not ask HER to tell YOU what she's going to do. Sounds like if you advise her you're wasting your breath. She must have some idea in her mind how she's going to lose the weight if she claims to be that determined. If she's not then you won't have lost anything. As many have said, only she can flip the switch.0
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I really wish she would get her blood glucose checked. Uncontrolled diabetes can have serious complications such as blindness. If she doesn't want to see a doctor she could buy a test kit from the pharmacy and have the pharmacist show her how to use it. Test fasting level first thing in the morning and 2 hours after the start of a meal.0
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I do think that maybe you're trying too much at once though. I do agree with others that your wife should visit a doctor to get her blood sugar checked if there's a chance she is diabetic.
However, on the weight loss front, I don't think there's any need to start out being "perfect" and eating low carb and high protein. If your wife is able to stick within a small calorie deficit I think that would be a great first step. If she does that by eating bread and pasta every meal then so be it.
Also regardless of eating carby foods, any weight loss can only be good for potential diabetes.
It's like my boyfriend always used to try and stop smoking, drinking, ordering takeaway and start exercising the same week and it's just way way too much. Once he focussed on cutting out the smoking on its own he was able to succeed at that. So I would definitely not be putting someone off reducing their intake by heavily pushing a high protein diet as essential. If your wife feels she can't stick to that, what you're saying might be making her feel like there's no point making other changes.0 -
It sounds like your wife has two opposing "priorities".... wanting to be healthier and slimmer and wanting to alleviate negative feelings through eating. Both goals are understandable. Unfortunately, when faced with opposing priorities, one wins out and most people choose to alleviate negative feelings/pain through eating (and a variety of other negative behaviors that seem like they work short term but backfire in the end - drinking, gambling, shopping, etc. )
Has your wife thought of getting counseling for emotional eating?
When you use food for emotional reasons, it is hard to think about giving it up.....food appears to fill many voids - the love you don't get from your spouse, the satisfaction you don't get from your job, the interesting life you want to be leading, etc. It can also make anxiety about stuff (money, kids, aging, problems, etc.) feel more manageable.
The truth is that your wife is getting something out of overeating. What she needs to realize is that ultimately, overeating is NOT helping her to have a better life.
If she senses that you are trying to "manage" her weight loss or if you are offering her unsolicited advice, that will only backfire. She may feel like you are trying to control her and she will resent you, even more so if she feels like you are not being compassionate and accepting of her. Remember, if weight loss were easy, everyone would be skinny!
Perhaps the next time she complains about her weight, you can simply say "I love you, babe. You'll get there when you are ready..." and leave it at that. You may also wish to say to her in a gentle, caring way (has to be gentle and caring) something like "I love you and it's hard for me to see you struggling. Is there any way I can help you?" Because in the end, aren't you most frustrated with the fact that the person you love is spinning her wheels and seems stuck? It's hard to watch someone struggle and not be able to do anything about it, but such is the nature of life.0 -
Well, not knowing your wife's personality, I wouldn't recommend this 100% but within my circle of people, if any of us complain about something we can change without trying to fix the issue we are complaining about, we all pretty much say something along the lines of : "If you aren't going to do something about it, don't complain".0
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Take her to the doctor for a check up. Make the appointment and go together. That way maybe it will be a wake up call for her?0
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I would try to persuade her to see a doctor. The doctor can explain the implications of not treating diabetes. Understanding the consequences of ignoring the problem is enough for most people to make a lifestyle change.she knows she's likely already diabetic (but refuses to go to a doc to confirm).0 -
I apologize if this was already mentioned, but next time she brings up how much she needs to lose weight, just tell her you don't want to hear it. If she is not will to put in the effort, then fine, but you're sick of hearing about it. Your wife is like most people when it comes to losing weight, which is why the diet industry is a multi-billion dollar business. It took something in me to finally click, to start watching my portions, and making smarter choices about the food I ate. Hopefully something will "click" in your wife, but until then, tell her to STFU.0
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"Honey, I've been hearing you say you want to get healthier for a long, long time now. No more talking. Here. I bought us both matching pedometers. Game on."
No really, I'm just thinking of ways you could bring out more action, less talk. Do you cook together? Maybe you could be romantic and sign up for a healthy cooking class together. Do it for a surprise gift--chicks love gifts! Take her shopping and both of you pick out new walking shoes. Take a more active role (you, I mean) in grocery shopping and meal preparation. 0 -
No good comes of complaining about your spouse on the internet.
If you want to see her change then shut up and set a good example. That's really all you can do. She either will or will not finally make the decision to change.0 -
Take her to a dialysis unit and let her see what her future looks like if she does not control her diabetes. My grandmother did it for almost 2 years and I took her a few times and visited while she was taking a treatment.0
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Don't we all want to live and eat what we want...........AND have the body of a super model??????
Something has to give!
Sounds like your wife is not willing to make change - Then no change????0 -
Basically, she wants to continue to live and eat as she has always done, but wants the body of a supermodel. To me, this is the equivalent of waking up every day for 10 years insisting that you want to be an MD, but refusing to ever enroll in med school. I just want to scream every time she brings up the diet quest again because it's just the same tired *kitten* discussion about all the things she wants and all the things she *won't* do.
OP, I can relate to the frustration of having someone I love talk about a problem again and again but not do anything about it. When it is clear that there is nothing I can say or do to help with the situation, in order to protect my sanity, I have had to be honest and say "I love you, but it is just too frustrating to hear you talk about this problem when you appear to be unwilling to do anything to change the situation, so I'd rather not hear about this again."
And then, if you still find yourself wanting to scream, get thyself to an Al-anon or other 12-Step meeting for co-dependency to get some perspective on how to live with sanity in the face of insanity......okay maybe insanity is too strong a word, but you get the idea. 0 -
my wife was the same way. I was losing weight, she said she was fine because her BP and blood work was good even though she was way overweight. Eventually it began to be not ok, and by the time she was pre-diabetic, it hit her that she couldn't continue. Add in knee problems and some other weight related issues, and she finally figured it out.
I do all of the cooking here, and while we always have a healthy dinner, she ate junk at work, fast food stuff a lot for lunch, junk food snacks and candy all day etc. She started eating like I do for all 3 meals, counting carbs and calories, and the pounds started coming off, 40lbs since Octoberr. She feels better about herself, she looks better, and she's happier. It's really easy to show support because every week she has success towards her goals, and that success makes her more excited about how she's changing her life around.
The reason I shared that is, that I'm not sure you can do anything to help her until she's ready to make a change. I tried as well, to no avail, until the proverbial lightbulb went on in her own head. Once that happens, the experience you've gained with your own journey will really help her out on hers.0 -
Sounds like all you can do is start nodding and smiling and ignore her. You can't make her do it, which I'm sure you know, and there's no reason for you to be frustrated.
I don't understand the not wanting more protein, though. I mean, my diet is sort of high in carbs because I'm vegetarian, but when I wasn't, I'd take a good steak over a slice of bread every day. That stuff is yummy and satisfying.0
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