My wife is driving me insane

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  • hmg90
    hmg90 Posts: 314 Member
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    My aunt and uncle has had this situation..although in his case he has occasionally managed to lose weight, then it goes back up , back down, back up. Like your wife, he's quite child-like in his statements. His wife has caught him eating at 2am and his response is basically "but I want food!". He's just not willing to make the sacrifices.

    Anyway, after a loong road he has managed to lose. He got a workout routine with his son - so that they both had to schedule it in and keep the agreement. He's bought a lot of cookbooks and learned some healthy recipes. But it was something he had to get around to do for himself, it couldn't be forced by his wife.

    Your wife's problem is a bit different though, it's not like she wants to but doesn't have the willpower, she doesn't want protein or exercise or anything.

    What are your dinners like? Surely you eat together? It seems you eat healthy yourself, how does she get a 70% carb diet while you don't?

    I would insist on a doctor's appointment in regards to diabetes. If she gets an honest instruction from a Dr, she might take it more seriously.
  • Wiseandcurious
    Wiseandcurious Posts: 730 Member
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    I cannot believe that there were only 2 (two :noway: ) people in three pages as far as I can see who tried to point your attention to the fact that she might have *emotional* issues underlying the behaviour you talk about, other than just being annoying, lazy, etc - one mentioned emotional eating and that she is probably resisting something in your approach and one mentioned that she probably craves your approval and - let me develop it further - might be afraid she doesn't have it, as she is.

    Now, I don't *know* if that's true any more than some other posters know she is lazy, etc, because none of us know her. My 2 cents: if you want to help her (you do want to help her, and not just restore your own comfort, right?) the best and first thing you should do is make sure that *you* know her - know her really, really well deep down. Whatever the reason for her behaviour is, it's there. She's probably signalling it out quite often in her own way.

    In my experience from myself and direct observations on many people, no one is just lazy or just careless with their health. There is always something else. Smokers smoke for a reason, junkies do drugs for a reason, binge-ers binge for a reason... there is always a reason.

    So, I agree with people who said she'll only change something when she's ready for it - that readiness comes from inside, but your acceptance, approval and understanding can help things click just that little bit sooner. Educating her most definitely can't; there will be time for education and pep-talk etc. one she gets started.

    Just wanted to put this clearly out there because it doesn't seem to be a possibility you're seriously considering; if you are, then I'll only be happy that my post wasn't necessary. Good luck to you both; it's not easy living with someone who has issues but, guess what - we *all* have issues. Good luck to your family dealing with yours.

    Spelling :ohwell:
  • BeachGingerOnTheRocks
    BeachGingerOnTheRocks Posts: 3,927 Member
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    Under these circumstances, I'd probably tell her to either do something about it or never, EVER mention it to me again and tell her she is driving me mad with her nonsense. Call it tough love if you will.



    I'm probably not the person to give advice here. So, nevermind.
  • electricxstars
    electricxstars Posts: 4
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    Hubby is kind of like that for me. It's always "Ugh, I hate my gut. I need to eat healthier. Blah blah blah." Then he spends all weekend on the couch drinking beers.

    As in any relationship it's important to be supportive, even if it might not be what she wants to hear. When she's in one of her moods to eat healthier, sit her down and make a list of things you're going to do and change with her. Can't get her to stop eating carbs? Offer to take over the grocery shopping, and make sure you buy good protein filled foods. Find workouts you can do together. Either she's going to feel guilty and motivated by seeing you putting in all the effort or she's just going to sit there and whine and you just need to ignore her. =/

    Definitely get her to a doctor though, finding out she has diabetes could be the motivation she needs to stop whining and start doing something about it.
  • nxd10
    nxd10 Posts: 4,570 Member
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    Yeah, we all go through what your wife does. She needs to decide she wants to be healthy more than she wants potato chips. I bet she is as frustrated with herself as you are. Maybe more so.

    Have you thought about doing more cooking? It might be the easiest way towards getting her to a happier and healthier place.
  • SexyMinionette
    SexyMinionette Posts: 1
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    My boyfriend says he wants to lose weight but he keeps eating more of the crap like McDonalds and not in moderation. Drinks pop way more than water...I just give up with him.

    Also, she has to want to, obviously its not a big deal to her if she does or not. If she wants the crap she eats, let her buy it. You just stick to all the good, healthy choices and keep them in the house and she will maybe one day just eat some of it.
  • msf74
    msf74 Posts: 3,498 Member
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    I cannot believe that there were only 2 (two :noway: ) people in three pages as far as I can see who tried to point your attention to the fact that she might have *emotional* issues underlying the behaviour you talk about, other than just being annoying, lazy, etc - one mentioned emotional eating and that she is probably resisting something in your approach and one mentioned that she probably craves your approval and - let me develop it further - might be afraid she doesn't have it, as she is.

    Now, I don't *know* if that's true any more than some other posters know she is lazy, etc, because none of us know her. My 2 cents: if you want to help her (you do want to help her, and not just restore your own comfort, right?) the best and first thing you should do is make sure that *you* know her - know her really, really well deep down. Whatever the reason for her behaviour is, it's there. She's probably signalling it out quite often in her own way.

    In my experience from myself and direct observations on many people, no one is just lazy or just careless with their health. There is always something else. Smokers smoke for a reason, junkies do drugs for a reason, binge-ers binge for a reason... there is always a reason.

    So, I agree with people who said she'll only change something when she's ready for it - that readiness comes from inside, but your acceptance, approval and understanding can help things click just that little bit sooner. Educating her most definitely can't; there will be time for education and pep-talk etc. one she gets started.

    Just wanted to put this clearly out there because it doesn't seem to be a possibility you're seriously considering; if you are, then I'll only be happy that my post wasn't necessary. Good luck to you both; it's not easy living with someone who has issues but, guess what - we *all* have issues. Good luck to your family dealing with yours.

    Spelling :ohwell:

    This is an excellent post.
  • Sag2015
    Sag2015 Posts: 88
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    What I think is your wife really wants to lose the weight and look good which is hard but giving up food is even harder. She's thinking that she has to give it all up and she doesn't! The pain of giving up the food is harder than the pleasure of looking good and being healthy.

    Is she a binge eater?
  • FraggleRockerFitnessLover
    FraggleRockerFitnessLover Posts: 307
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    This sounds frustrating. I can relate with my mother, who from time to time gives speeches about how it's time to lose weight, yet she is not willing to go walking in the neighborhood (I feel because she's embarrassed). I have tried to teach the parent's healthier food options and have successfully converted them to the 50 calorie OJ and the extra lean turkey meat. So, when my mom gives her speeches, I just put her on speaker phone and balance my checkbook and tell her that's a great plan and that I'm proud of her for trying.

    My husband too, drives me nuts because of his speeches and then will make poor intake choices. I just watch, listen, and decide to do my own thing. I do call him out on stuff, ask him if he's really hungry, or just bored. I hold him accountable.

    As far as advice for you? Maybe compliment or encourage her or cook for her?
  • hosegirl
    hosegirl Posts: 157
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    It is fear of failure. She rather set her self up to fail and say" well, I tried but it didn't work so now what do you want me to do? It is emotional not mental. Carbs are comfort foods. So the more carbs we et the better we feel.
  • Dogwalkingirl
    Dogwalkingirl Posts: 320 Member
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    This would be really frustrating. I am really lucky that both my boyfriend and I are trying to make a change for the better and we are doing it together. We both have good and bad days on occasion but we encourage each other.

    from your profile it sounds like you have made a lot of positive changes and you think she would learn by seeing you. Who does the cooking in the house? Maybe you can make a few meals, or research things that might appeal to her (mock desserts low in cals etc etc). Then she will learn that you can still have things that taste amazing.

    It sounds as if she is all talk right now and not really willing to make it happen. I personally had been through that but then you just hit a point where enough is enough and you need to make a change. Tell her to join here and start counting calories too.
  • knra_grl
    knra_grl Posts: 1,568 Member
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    Ignore her and carry on with your own weightloss - someone who has so many excuses is clearly not ready to commit to it. If you have to make your own meals or contribute to the cooking. Go grocery shopping so you will have the food you need. Do whatever exercise you are going to do. If you want to encourage her, offer her a taste of your healthy food when eating (maybe she will like it), help her meal plan so that the two of you have input, ask her if she wants to go for a walk once in a while maybe she will say yes. All in all just do what you want/need to for your own journey and offer her the chances to partake. Don't get into debates over it just say OK when she starts making the excuses and walk away - when she no longer has an audience for her excuses maybe she will stop.

    DO NOT LET HER SABOTAGE YOUR EFFORTS!!!

    This is not just about her it's about you and what you want for your life.

    Good luck OP.
  • cheripugh1
    cheripugh1 Posts: 357 Member
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    Show by example and if you do not want to hear her tell her that too.

    Here is a suggestion and many may not agree but that's ok too I just saw a post about this very thing... find out what her calories would be if she were the proper weight for height and then she can eat whatever in that amount IF she works out, walks or whatever to burn says 500 calories a day, heck even 250 is a good start... she will start losing wt. and should be happy with that. I have seen where some are able to do this at the calories they use while overweight too.
  • annalicous
    annalicous Posts: 55 Member
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    I think that you should be honest with her, that is if you haven't been already. Tell her straight, and let her know that you support her in whatever choice that she is willing to make. If she wants to loose weight then great. If she wants to stay that same then its up to her. If she wants to loose weight then she needs to make certain changes to her diet. If she doesn't then she needs to accept her choice and just be quiet about it.
  • annie61702
    annie61702 Posts: 120 Member
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    I have the same problem with my husband. I have disengaged myself from that conversation. I just say you know what you need to do. No one will change until they make up their mind to. I just do my own thing and hope he will get there at some point.
  • alasin1derland
    alasin1derland Posts: 575 Member
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    She is too focused on the big picture. She has diabetes concerns. Try saying no junk for a week or 5 days. Something she can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Load up with cut up fresh veggies ready for the eating. yogurt dips if needed. Fresh fruits like watermelon and strawberries. Cook some skinless boneless chicken breasts ahead of time and have them ready to eat. Maybe throw in some protein bars. If she starts to feel better that may be incentive to start making lasting changes. Then she can find some balance. If she eats poorly after her 5 days of clean eating and doesn't feel well, maybe she will incorporate healthier food choices in between treats. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. When starting out, small changes go a long way. And during that time, water water water. Invite her out for a walk and ask her to walk with you for just 5 days. Ultimately it has to be her decision and effort, but it sounds like she wants to do it, good for her to have support from you when she is ready.
  • bombshellinprogress
    bombshellinprogress Posts: 125 Member
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    so she wants to keep doing what she is going and expect different results???

    good luck to you brother…I feel your pain …

    This:)
  • jenns1964
    jenns1964 Posts: 384 Member
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    Sounds a lot like my husband. Except that he doesn't eat sweets all the time and is not diabetic! He has no choice but to eat a healthy lunch and dinner since I do all the cooking. Maybe one day he'll do something about it, but for now I will take care of myself.
  • butterfli7o
    butterfli7o Posts: 1,319 Member
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    Have you considered you are driving her insane?

    The worst motivation is 'partner' motivation of this kind. She has to make her own choices and find her own motivation.

    I don't see this at all. OP said his wife is the one who repeatedly says time and again she wans to lose weight, etc. He is trying to be supportive and helpful.
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
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    Have you considered you are driving her insane?

    The worst motivation is 'partner' motivation of this kind. She has to make her own choices and find her own motivation.

    I don't see this at all. OP said his wife is the one who repeatedly says time and again she wans to lose weight, etc. He is trying to be supportive and helpful.
    That was my impression, as well. She keeps bringing it up, he offers help and she rejects it, then comes back whining again but still refuses to make any changes.

    That would drive me insane, too.

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