My wife is driving me insane

I can only advise you to test her commitment level next time she states she wants to lose weight by saying, "Ok let's get rid of all the foods that goes against your goals and let's go shopping to stock up on the foods that you need to be successful." That may help to get her on the right track. I know that for me it helps to NOT have easy access to all the 'bad foods'. It's just easier to make better food choices when the kitchen is stocked with 'good foods'. Good Luck to both of you!!

I think we have all been through this at some point, whether with a partner, family, friend, or even ourselves! My friend wanted to "commit to being healthy" with me but refused to do any hard work to get there. It was very frustrating but the only thing you can do is focus on YOURSELF and not let others' negativity stop you. They have to figure out the process for themselves. But I can totally understand how her complaining and lack of commitment is frustrating. Good luck! Focus on you and hopefully she will come around once she sees your amazing progress.

Edit: Also, you should remind her that she doesn't have to be "all or nothing." She doesn't have to quit sweets or carbs 100%. I've lost 35 pounds eating something sweet every single day and having pizza on occasion. Let her know that she doesn't need to eat clean or burn 1000 calories at the gym. She might be feeling overwhelmed at changing so many things at once.

She's conflicted; wants to look think and feel good but isn't making the emotional commitment/connection to having to do the work. I have many friends just like that and you can't do anything about it - they have to want it enough to do the work. And believe me, they think they want it, but they aren't "there" yet. I'd be willing to bet that most of us on this site were there once. You might want to have her read through the forums. I've seen a lot of banter about losing weight fast and diet restriction being the cause of snap-back binging and she needs to see that. It's a lifestyle change - not a "diet" that she's really in need of.

Best of luck to both of you as you struggle through this.

OP, I know it's a tad different since it wasn't a romantic relationship but I saw this sort of situation from a third party perspective.
I lived with an engaged couple for a few years.

The man was very fit and active, watched his diet, and took good care of himself.

The girl made terrible food choices, spent tons of money on crazy fad diets then never did them longer than two days, talked about getting fit, refused to exercise, refused to listen to her doctor, and complained that she was heading towards obesity while drinking whole milk lattes and eating a tub of ben & jerry's every other day.

Worst of all she was a nurse so she had a "I know more about nutrition than you do" attitude.

He often came to me to complain about her lack of commitment to her own health. My advice to him is the same I will give to you: if you truly love her, you will continue to support her no matter what and no matter how infuriating this situation is.

And there isn't anything wrong with the occasional (not every day, more like once a month) reminder that she is welcome to join you in an exercise or meal making decision.

Remember, it's very likely she feels enough guilt about the situation as it is so it's not a good idea to make things more negative for her. In fact, some personality types sense negativity from their partners and begin to internalize it themselves...making their own problems even harder to overcome. Her constant "I'll get better tomorrow!" attitude could likely be a reflection of her guilt of making you deal with her yo-yo diets, and when she becomes overwhelmed instead of pestering you more she gives up and goes back to what she knows. Support is truly the best, however annoying and difficult, way to get through to someone.

If it were me married to someone like that: I'd stress that I would want them to live a long and healthy life, and their current lifestyle would end up making me a widow! It's definitely not easy seeing a loved one abuse their body and endanger their health, so don't feel bad telling her how you really feel about this. But do so /gently/.

Also, it should be brought up that she may have some sort of issue that therapy could work out. I know multiple people that therapy and nutritionists helped them segue into a healthy lifestyle, and I firmly believe that's what it really takes for some people. Now, don't go suggesting she see a therapist!!! (or else you'll be sleeping on the couch)

Best of luck OP!

Well you know how the saying goes...


Best advice I could provide is beyond leading by example is if you have the inclination prepare her meals/snacks so you can introduce better eating habits and maybe (hopefully) she will see and feel results that will start motivating her, so eventually this will occur...



Best of luck OP but I have been in a similar position with family members and their want to change has to outweigh their desire to stay within their current comfort zone.

^^^^This^^^^ She hasn't made up her mind that she wants to change, that's why she's vacillating. The WORST THING you can do is push her (read: give her a gym membership or form-fitting red dress for your anniversary, her birthday, etc.) The BEST THING you can do is listen, agree with whatever she's saying at the time and lead by example, at least until or if she makes up her mind to change. I know how hard it is to stay on the "righteous" path because I tried to diet with a husband that would bring home gallons of rocky road ice cream (now ex-husband, btw. I know a good divorce lawyer too if you need one! :laugh: .)

I have a friend whose wife got heavier and heavier through marriage. She went from normal to clearly obese.

It happened as she was having kids and was also working a tough job. I fully sympathised. Pregnancy, baby care and being a working parent hits mothers hard. (Even if you are healthy and cautious, you can put on 25-30 lbs per pregnancy).


He tried to motivate her -- but did a few things that didn't work.

So here's what NOT
* Do NOT buy a slinky new "motivational outfit". Women get enough pressure -- from pre-teens on -- to look a certain way. This woman was already feeling unattractive and ashamed before being presented with an outfit she couldn't possibly fit into. Do not buy too-small "sexy" lingerie either. What a man might find "sexy" could feel degradingly slutty or trashy, especially to a wife feeling not great about herself. Your message should not be "Hey - I wish you looked like a pole dancer."

* If you do buy something, get a long, soft, flowing silk/satin nightgown, a beautiful scarf, etc.

* Do not make the diet / exercise to be about attractiveness, love, romance or anything personal. (OK, you may be telling a white lie here -- most people aren't as attractive to partners who get very out of shape.) But for the time being, keep it entirely to her health, well-being, etc. While SHE might bring up attractiveness, you as the husband should never imply that she should be dieting to be prettier for you.

* It sounds like your wife is frustratingly contradictory. Do not get into long-winded arguments about the details of dieting - proteins vs carbs vs calories, etc. It's not a contest of who is factually right or wrong. Everyone -- including your wife -- KNOWS how to diet (less calories, more exercise), but it's hard to do. It's like no smoker wants to be repeatedly reminded that smoking is bad. He KNOWS it -- it's just hard to stop.

What to do -- Less badgering, more action.

* Who does the groceries? If you do -- or you go together -- buy lots of fruit, veg and lean protein, and don't keep any junk food for yourself in the house.

* Keep healthy snacks around. My husband says he dislikes fruit - but if I keep a bowl of apple slices or grapes around at night, he'll eat it with me. If he sees me snacking on butter-free popcorn, he'll have some, too.

* Who cooks? When it's your turn, make healthier meals to share. My husband also says he dislikes veg. But if I make an effort to do more greens as side dishes, he will eat them.

* What activities do you do? Can you go for walks, throw a Frisbee around a park, visit physically active friends, take a class together? You can do exercise without making it feel like you're forcing yourself to the gym.

Finally, do try to get her to a doctor. I have a distant uncle who lost a leg to diabetes.

This has probably been said but she kind of sounds like my mum and one of the ONLY ways I have helped her on, or anyone else in the family whether over weight or depression, is by taking the first steps together.

I'll say - look I'll do EXACTLY what you do and eat for two weeks - let me do everything and all you;ll have to do is follow it. After that let's see how you feel and if it's a disaster, then we'll change it.

The hardest is breaking the habits and cycle

All you can do is listen and pretty much ignore. She has to flip her own switch to make the lifestyle changes to meet her goals. Sounds like when she is truly ready and gets started you will be willing and able to help. At least she is thinking about it and maybe just thinking out loud. The diabetes is serious thing though. Surely she should seek help for that.

This. I was similar for years. I wanted to change but I basically too lazy to do it and thought I'd probably fail anyway. I flipped that switch the day I found MFP.

I'm going to be dead honest here. That was me. Just like me and I would rant and rant and cry and rant...and rant..I drove my family nuts but never did a darn thing to change it.

What I wanted was not to have to work to get where I wanted to be. I didn't feel it was fair that I had to give up everything to look like someone who looked that way their whole lives and did little to get there(my twisted rationalizing).

I had to hit bottom, 32 years old and still desperately seeking my bellybutton at 330lbs. To me that's the bottom of my barrel.

She knows where she is...she knows what she needs to do.

The sad thing is she has not hit bottom yet, when she crashes and burns...she'll change when she is ready. She's not ready yet.


You can't force her to change, she can't do it unless she really wants to. That's frustrating because you love her, you don't want to see her suffer, you don't want to see her get sick and feel left behind. I get that. The thing about people is you can't push them to do what they really don't want to do even if you know it's better for them.

Hang in there.

You need to take care of you and just lead by example. She will follow you when she's ready. Till then...invest in earplugs.

Good luck

May I suggest signing your wife up for MFP and logging what she eats for her. Also log in any exercise she does. Do this for a week and then show her the results. she might see it as a wake up call.