My wife is driving me insane

I have a friend whose wife got heavier and heavier through marriage. She went from normal to clearly obese.

It happened as she was having kids and was also working a tough job. I fully sympathised. Pregnancy, baby care and being a working parent hits mothers hard. (Even if you are healthy and cautious, you can put on 25-30 lbs per pregnancy).


He tried to motivate her -- but did a few things that didn't work.

So here's what NOT
* Do NOT buy a slinky new "motivational outfit". Women get enough pressure -- from pre-teens on -- to look a certain way. This woman was already feeling unattractive and ashamed before being presented with an outfit she couldn't possibly fit into. Do not buy too-small "sexy" lingerie either. What a man might find "sexy" could feel degradingly slutty or trashy, especially to a wife feeling not great about herself. Your message should not be "Hey - I wish you looked like a pole dancer."

* If you do buy something, get a long, soft, flowing silk/satin nightgown, a beautiful scarf, etc.

* Do not make the diet / exercise to be about attractiveness, love, romance or anything personal. (OK, you may be telling a white lie here -- most people aren't as attractive to partners who get very out of shape.) But for the time being, keep it entirely to her health, well-being, etc. While SHE might bring up attractiveness, you as the husband should never imply that she should be dieting to be prettier for you.

* It sounds like your wife is frustratingly contradictory. Do not get into long-winded arguments about the details of dieting - proteins vs carbs vs calories, etc. It's not a contest of who is factually right or wrong. Everyone -- including your wife -- KNOWS how to diet (less calories, more exercise), but it's hard to do. It's like no smoker wants to be repeatedly reminded that smoking is bad. He KNOWS it -- it's just hard to stop.

What to do -- Less badgering, more action.

* Who does the groceries? If you do -- or you go together -- buy lots of fruit, veg and lean protein, and don't keep any junk food for yourself in the house.

* Keep healthy snacks around. My husband says he dislikes fruit - but if I keep a bowl of apple slices or grapes around at night, he'll eat it with me. If he sees me snacking on butter-free popcorn, he'll have some, too.

* Who cooks? When it's your turn, make healthier meals to share. My husband also says he dislikes veg. But if I make an effort to do more greens as side dishes, he will eat them.

* What activities do you do? Can you go for walks, throw a Frisbee around a park, visit physically active friends, take a class together? You can do exercise without making it feel like you're forcing yourself to the gym.

Finally, do try to get her to a doctor. I have a distant uncle who lost a leg to diabetes.

This has probably been said but she kind of sounds like my mum and one of the ONLY ways I have helped her on, or anyone else in the family whether over weight or depression, is by taking the first steps together.

I'll say - look I'll do EXACTLY what you do and eat for two weeks - let me do everything and all you;ll have to do is follow it. After that let's see how you feel and if it's a disaster, then we'll change it.

The hardest is breaking the habits and cycle

All you can do is listen and pretty much ignore. She has to flip her own switch to make the lifestyle changes to meet her goals. Sounds like when she is truly ready and gets started you will be willing and able to help. At least she is thinking about it and maybe just thinking out loud. The diabetes is serious thing though. Surely she should seek help for that.

This. I was similar for years. I wanted to change but I basically too lazy to do it and thought I'd probably fail anyway. I flipped that switch the day I found MFP.

I'm going to be dead honest here. That was me. Just like me and I would rant and rant and cry and rant...and rant..I drove my family nuts but never did a darn thing to change it.

What I wanted was not to have to work to get where I wanted to be. I didn't feel it was fair that I had to give up everything to look like someone who looked that way their whole lives and did little to get there(my twisted rationalizing).

I had to hit bottom, 32 years old and still desperately seeking my bellybutton at 330lbs. To me that's the bottom of my barrel.

She knows where she is...she knows what she needs to do.

The sad thing is she has not hit bottom yet, when she crashes and burns...she'll change when she is ready. She's not ready yet.


You can't force her to change, she can't do it unless she really wants to. That's frustrating because you love her, you don't want to see her suffer, you don't want to see her get sick and feel left behind. I get that. The thing about people is you can't push them to do what they really don't want to do even if you know it's better for them.

Hang in there.

You need to take care of you and just lead by example. She will follow you when she's ready. Till then...invest in earplugs.

Good luck

May I suggest signing your wife up for MFP and logging what she eats for her. Also log in any exercise she does. Do this for a week and then show her the results. she might see it as a wake up call.

or...

When she starts the conversation. Smile. Nod. Say "okay". Then move on and expect nothing to change. This reduces disappointment.

edited for typo

OP - I would just go with keep doing what you are doing and maybe as you have success she will come around to your way of thinking. When she says all these random things about wanting to lose ten pounds but keep the same habits, just smile and say "ok" and do not even bother to comment. Perhaps, your success will make her realize that your way is the right way to do things...

This is an excellent point, because you really can't change someone else. My beau joined me in using MFP back in October and has lost 20 pounds since. I showed him one time what I was doing, his doctor told him to lose weight, the beau told his nutritionist about me using MFP and she instantly liked me, and he's been doing it ever since. He says I inspired him, but I think that the bottom line is that he started on his weight loss journey for himself.

However, every single time prior to when he started using MFP that he said he needed to lose weight, I just listened and didn't judge or have much to say about it. I just listened and went about my own way. However, I often invite him on walks or to do something active. Most of the times it's a yes, other times it's a no.

I didn't read all the way through but my husband cured me of this... when ever I would say I wanted to lose weight or eat better or yada yada yada he would just say "Great, what's your plan?" and that was it. After a few of those conversations I realized I needed a plan. :laugh:

May I suggest signing your wife up for MFP and logging what she eats for her. Also log in any exercise she does. Do this for a week and then show her the results. she might see it as a wake up call.

I disagree with this. She might see it as intrusive and insulting. Besides, that's not his job.

I also disagree. That approach is very condescending and patronizing. She doesn't need micromanaging. She needs to come to this on her own. He can't make her do anything, and pointing out all her mistakes isn't going to fix it.

She really shouldn't be constantly whining and unwilling to change, but that's what she is doing. He can't enable her to keep going this path because it isn't healthy.

I love your dogs. Train the dogs. Pray for your wife. I have known lots of people just like this. I led a weight loss group for several years. Two of the women who were regular attenders and always did their "homework" never changed their behavior. One is dead--uncontrolled diabetes (she was a nurse). The other suffered a massive stroke and was only saved by her proximity to a great ER when it happened--the two incidents happened in the same month. She swore she'd change NOW. That was a couple of years ago. No changes. People will change everything but their behavior. . . .These two women knew the facts, didn't argue the facts at all. Just didn't do it. I can't tell you what to do for your wife except pray for her and talk to her in a manner that helps her to understand you are not trying to control her--but you love her and want what's best for her.

4. Tell her how you feel and ask her to tell you exactly what she wants you to say and do when she brings it up. Tell her she needs to be very specific on exactly what she wants you to do to help. She may have a response from you that she has been waiting for.

I agree with this suggestion. If she says she wants to start a weight loss plan, try a simple "That's great, honey, what can I do to help?" And try not to take it personally if she doesn't want your input. If you see her start to stray from the plan and she starts to complain to you about not losing or seeing results, ask her, "Would you like some suggestions?" and if she says no, believe her. Sometimes one partner just wants to vent, and the other partner thinks they hear a request to fix it. Sometimes we don't want you to fix it, we want to work out our own fix as we talk about it.

You love her, I can tell. Disconnect until you're asked to connect (about this part of your lives, anyway). You'll be okay.

May I suggest signing your wife up for MFP and logging what she eats for her. Also log in any exercise she does. Do this for a week and then show her the results. she might see it as a wake up call.

this would be the equivalent of throwing gasoline on a fire...

Which is always fun at parties.

Here, hold my beer . . .

All you can do is listen and pretty much ignore. She has to flip her own switch to make the lifestyle changes to meet her goals. Sounds like when she is truly ready and gets started you will be willing and able to help. At least she is thinking about it and maybe just thinking out loud. The diabetes is serious thing though. Surely she should seek help for that.

It IS part of our duty as a wife to drive our husbands insane over something - maybe you are getting off easy!

Wise words!

Just listen sympathetically and agree with whatever she says. She doesn't want your advice. Millions have already seen it, but if you haven't, see "It's Not About The Nail". http://youtu.be/-4EDhdAHrOg

I hate to say this but I probably did it too for many years. I've learned you can't change people. You can't make them do something they don't want to do. It took 25 years of failed attempts and hitting rock bottom before I made a true change. No doctor, no husband, no kids, no lectures, no weight loss consultant could make me do what my body needed. Exercise!

Facing 50 and STILL fat I thought long and hard for several months about what I should do. I came too the definition of crazy "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result each time." I kept dieting thinking I'll exercise later down the road. Never got there. This time I started exercising and figured I'd eat healthy down the road. After 2 months of exercising I naturally wanted to eat healthier. Who knew?!

Keep on taking care of yourself. Come up with some pat answers to get you through the aggravation. Like "when you're ready let me know, " "when you need my help let me know." Hopefully, she'll come to the same conclusion.