How to be okay with where you're at? (embarassing pics)
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Maleficent0241
Posts: 386 Member
I can't believe I am posting this as such a new member, but I'm hoping someone else out there may understand my troubles and may be able to help me sort myself out.
I had always been thin and fit my entire adult life, until a few years ago. I won't bore you with all of the details, but suffice it to say I got very, VERY sick and ended up on a lot of medications with a very different self image to contend with. It took 8 months total from the time I was discharged from the hospital underweight and malnourished (109 pounds) to reach an all time high of 180 pounds. I hit 186 for a few days due to bloat, so I am counting 180 as my highest. Yep, that's over 2 lbs per week gain. I got off of all my meds, lost 25 pounds, had to go back on, and hit my highest weight AGAIN only this time with much worse body composition. I tried weight watchers, but I continued to gain at the same rate so I dropped my membership after about 6 months with them.
Anyway, enough of the history and onto my issue I am asking about - how do I handle being ME while struggling to lose the weight? I have been to professionals for help - basically I was either told "you're not that heavy so suck it up" or "you look great how you are! You've barely gained anything. No need to be upset." I don't need to be coddled or lied to, and that's what they were doing. To illustrate:
The left is me up until the health struggles - 5'7", 26 inch waist, 20% body fat, size 2 plus or minus depending on the brand. The right two are me now - 35 inch waist and a whopping 43% body fat, and a solid size 12. Yeah, that hurts. I did not appreciate being told that I barely gained anything, because it simply isn't true. I break down in the mirror crying every day because I cannot believe how I got like this. How do I talk myself out of the crying and self loathing? I really don't think it's BDD, as the objective numbers support my opinion. Professional help has been, well, no help.
Anyone here relate? What did you do to help ease the pain while trying to better yourself?
I had always been thin and fit my entire adult life, until a few years ago. I won't bore you with all of the details, but suffice it to say I got very, VERY sick and ended up on a lot of medications with a very different self image to contend with. It took 8 months total from the time I was discharged from the hospital underweight and malnourished (109 pounds) to reach an all time high of 180 pounds. I hit 186 for a few days due to bloat, so I am counting 180 as my highest. Yep, that's over 2 lbs per week gain. I got off of all my meds, lost 25 pounds, had to go back on, and hit my highest weight AGAIN only this time with much worse body composition. I tried weight watchers, but I continued to gain at the same rate so I dropped my membership after about 6 months with them.
Anyway, enough of the history and onto my issue I am asking about - how do I handle being ME while struggling to lose the weight? I have been to professionals for help - basically I was either told "you're not that heavy so suck it up" or "you look great how you are! You've barely gained anything. No need to be upset." I don't need to be coddled or lied to, and that's what they were doing. To illustrate:
The left is me up until the health struggles - 5'7", 26 inch waist, 20% body fat, size 2 plus or minus depending on the brand. The right two are me now - 35 inch waist and a whopping 43% body fat, and a solid size 12. Yeah, that hurts. I did not appreciate being told that I barely gained anything, because it simply isn't true. I break down in the mirror crying every day because I cannot believe how I got like this. How do I talk myself out of the crying and self loathing? I really don't think it's BDD, as the objective numbers support my opinion. Professional help has been, well, no help.
Anyone here relate? What did you do to help ease the pain while trying to better yourself?
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Replies
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I have never been quite as thin (except when I was 12) as you were and it took a little longer for me to gain for a total weight of 160. I look about what you do now. I don't cry about how I look, in fact I went on vacation last week and proudly wore a bikini. Am I happy with how I look? No, but I know I am making changes to get fitter and skinnier.
I think the key is patience, I do not think you will be able to lose as fast as you gained especially with being on medication.
You are allowed to look at yourself in the mirror everyday and be unhappy with how much you have gained. Use that with motivation to log your food and exercise. Tell yourself that you will change.
Various studies have shown that positive thinking works, instead of being dejected by what you look like now, try to think positive thoughts when looking in the mirror. Even if its as simple as "I like my hair today", or "oh look that zit is gone", lol
Or cover the mirror since it causes you such stress. You should not be crying over the image in the mirror. Also realize that you had a medical issue that caused you to gain the weight that you did. It was not necessarily something you did, but like any health condition like a rash, it will take a prescription and a plan of action to help heal.
Also keep trying to find professional help, you will find someone that is able to help you and give you advice you need in a way that reaches you..0 -
The reality is that you are where you are now. You have to try not to beat yourself up thinking about where you once were. It sounds like you overcame some huge things, and that had to have been very hard. And now you have a new challenge in front of you.
If you hold onto where you once were as your guide post, it is going to be a lot harder. Make that your goal instead. Take this, where you are now, as your new starting point. If you see where you are now as the beginning, you can celebrate the small steps on your way to a healthier you. Celebrate every milestone, if it's a small weight loss, an achievement in the gym that you weren't able to do the week before, a new clothing size, or anything else that helps you feel success.
It's a long, slow road, but it will be worth it.0 -
You have gained. It's not BDD. There you go. Honesty.
Realize that your health struggles gave you little to no control over this, take it as a side effect. Getting sick sucks.
You can do something about it, so think of this as a transitional phase of your life. This is where you're at NOW, not WHO you are, or something you have to settle for.
I don't know what medication you're on, but i'm assuming it makes weight loss harder? That means you have to work harder. Log consistently and accurately. Get a food scale. Weigh and measure everything. Don't go the starving route. Do it right.
Work on you body composition. That means resistance training. Get a gym membership, and start a program like Stronglifts or Starting Strength.
You'll have to work hard, but it's doable.0 -
I think it's okay to NOT be okay with where you're at. That's how many of us end up here. That's not to say you should hate yourself (or cry in the mirror everyday), but you have to have some.sort of epiphany to want to change. So, you're here now. You want to change. Do you have a sustainable nutrition and exercise plan?
If not, make one. Stick with it. Rinse and repeat. You'll be happy with where you are eventually. We're works in progress.0 -
Disclaimer: I come from a much different place initially. With rare exception I grew up a heavy kid, in a family of couch potatoes.
That being said, I had to learn to cherish my body regardless of its shape and size. About 35 years ago I forced myself to stand naked in front of a full-length mirror and really look at myself -- not to criticize (heaven knows, I'd gotten enough of that), but to love. No Matter What. Every Single Day. It was one of the hardest things I'd ever done, but it was also one of the best things I'd ever done.
It meant that when I was again at my heaviest in a life of yo-yo weight shifts (a pattern I am currently working to end), I could again look in the mirror and still love every bit of me, while recognizing that I needed to lose weight for my own health. The leftmost shot in my ticker shows me at 9.5 pounds under my heaviest weight this time around.
Self-love is the foundation. You've been thrown a curve ball, which is not to be minimized, either. You're doing the work to get back on a track off which you've been pushed. But it's also true that every single day is a gift. Being able to do the work is also a gift. Having the stamina, having functional limbs -- you get the picture. You can do this, and you are doing it.
If you are grieving, let yourself grieve, but then keep fighting the good fight. Your body is your home and your ally.0 -
Buy clothes that fit you nicely where you are now. Do not try to copy what you were wearing at your lowest in large sizes, get clothes that suit the body you have now. You are definitely within normal range, you have good proportions, this should be fairly easy. It will make you feel and look much better and more confident. Stop obsessing about looking yourself at the mirror or getting on the scales. Focus on doing things for yourself that make you feel good. You are still the same person.0
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Thank you all for your responses. I in no way mean to demean anyone who is at my weight or higher. It's just hard FOR ME to cope with the new self image, since I had always been at a healthy weight and in very little time gained a lot. It's like I see myself and don't recognize who I am anymore. At one point, the gain was so fast that the skin on my thighs and lower stomach started splitting and bleeding, so it has been physically painful too.
Hauntinglyfit - yep, the meds add a LOT to this equation. I always weigh and measure, and had been throughout all the gain - it's part of what made it so upsetting as I was eating about 1/3-1/2 of what I used to and STILL gaining. In the very beginning, I was eating anywhere from 500-1200 calories per day with most days below 1000 (not intentionally so low, just couldn't eat due to the illness), and once my weight started rebounding up, I couldn't understand what was going on and people didn't believe me that I was eating so little and gaining on it. The ONLY time I have been successful budging the weight has been when I stopped taking meds. I am working with my team now to find another med-free solution since the weight is now screwing with my blood numbers and it's not just a vanity issue.
I've been weight training in the gym for a few months now, but was doing mostly machines on my own as I haven't done any serious weightlifting outside of work in many years. I spent some time researching, and decided to go with Stronglifts and did my first day today. It's good advice and I'm hoping working through a routine from someone who, you know, KNOWS what they are doing will yield me some better results
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Just want to say good luck, and I hope everything works out that you can get to a happy place.0
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It really is hard to go from thin to heavier and back and forth a couple pounds.
When this happened to me, (10 lbs at that time) I was so self conscious and freaked out, but my family/friends would just say, 'how does it matter, you're still thin?'. But it isn't even really about the gain, more about losing control, allowing the bad habits causing the gain, and the serious fear of gaining ALL my weight back.
It's so hard.
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Hey,
I know how screamingly frustrating it is to gain on medications. I occasionally need to go on prednisone to manage some health issues. Usually it's a minimum 10 pound gain overnight and it always takes me a long time to lose. Also, it's not a pretty gain, either. Personally, I get upset because I worry that other people think poorly of me because of the gain. This is slightly nuts because I honestly don't think most people really have an opinion about an extra 10-15 pounds on my frame or care how I eat, and there is really no reason for me to care what they think anyway.
Exercise does improve how I feel about my body, even if it doesn't impact the scale. Also, it helps me to focus on other aspects of myself - trying to master a hobby, helping other people, or just doing something that fosters positive emotions, even if it's reading a book or watching a show.
You might try a few different diets and see what's most effective for you as well, but I find I have to count calories on top of what ever plan I use. I can get by on fewer calories without being hungry on low carb. You might experiment with that if you are on a med that has metabolic side effects and puts you at risk for T2D.
Anyway,
Best of luck and congrats on your recovery from your illness.0 -
What might help is understanding that HOW you are now does not define WHO you are or how you will be a year or two from now. But that hate and loathing will make it more difficult to get where you want to be, it may be a barrier to change because depression or whatever negative load just zaps the will to do what is necessary. At any weight, you are still you. That might seem like soupy soup but think about how attitude kills or build drive.
Stronglifts is a great program but the magic comes from consistency. Do it, do it by the rules, work hard, work consistently and it will be transformational.0 -
I'm trying to understand why someone would censor half the pictures. My over-thinking brain tells me the person on the left isn't you. Dont really matter though. But, it did sidetrack me from giving any type of useful response. meh.0
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I can relate to your story quite a bit. I'm actually surfing the Motivation and Support forum while waiting for responses to my topic with a similar story (http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/1204529-illness-made-me-gain-it-back-motivation-long)
Long story short, I managed to lose most of my weight last year, then illness struck and I gained pretty much off of said lost weight back. I truly understand how disappointing it is to see where you were and what you are now. It's hard to not define yourself by it. It feels like a "failure." I know because I'm right there with you.
Hopefully we can both look past the "failure" and see the new challenge ahead of us. A different story; a new journey. Something that will mold us and shape us into a new person, and not just physically.0 -
It can be really tough feeling like your body has failed you. At least that's how I feel sometimes. I think Hauntinglyfit gave some great advice. Lifting has helped me tremendously with chronic illness. There's something truly empowering about it. It will help you focus on what your body can DO rather than just what it looks like.
I understand not wanting to see another therapist after those experiences, but maybe consider seeing someone else. I know my doctor's nurse is really good at recommending doctors who fit what a particular patient needs. Is there someone like that who could help you find someone better?0 -
What might help is understanding that HOW you are now does not define WHO you are or how you will be a year or two from now. But that hate and loathing will make it more difficult to get where you want to be, it may be a barrier to change because depression or whatever negative load just zaps the will to do what is necessary. At any weight, you are still you. That might seem like soupy soup but think about how attitude kills or build drive.
Stronglifts is a great program but the magic comes from consistency. Do it, do it by the rules, work hard, work consistently and it will be transformational.
Please take this to heart. I am always amazed at your insight E. Your daughters are lucky X100!0 -
I think it would help to volunteer at a hospice or go to a third world country and volunteer in a place where people would be overjoyed to swap "problems" with you.
I totally get that you find it unpleasant to be overweight after having been so thin but to me it's like having a bad hair cut and thinking it's the end of the world, just like hair would grow, weight comes off.
I don't think it's a big problem so my suggestion is to find a way for you to see that it's not a big problem.
The one thing I do regret about my holiday in France is that I was so busy being upset about being a bit fat, I didn't enjoy the vacation. Wish I had just had fun and had trusted that the weight would come off. It spoilt the vacation for my husband and shortly after my dog died, if only I had treasured that time, enjoyed my amazing life and known the weight would come off.
There is no point being miserable, you are a healthy young woman, your friends are right, you're not that big.
Just trust the weight will come off, love your life, love yourself right here and now, you look good. Wear clothes you feel nice in and get the weight off in a healthy way.
Hope this is read in the loving and kind spirit in which it was written.0 -
bump0
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I can't believe I am posting this as such a new member, but I'm hoping someone else out there may understand my troubles and may be able to help me sort myself out.
I had always been thin and fit my entire adult life, until a few years ago. I won't bore you with all of the details, but suffice it to say I got very, VERY sick and ended up on a lot of medications with a very different self image to contend with. It took 8 months total from the time I was discharged from the hospital underweight and malnourished (109 pounds) to reach an all time high of 180 pounds. I hit 186 for a few days due to bloat, so I am counting 180 as my highest. Yep, that's over 2 lbs per week gain. I got off of all my meds, lost 25 pounds, had to go back on, and hit my highest weight AGAIN only this time with much worse body composition. I tried weight watchers, but I continued to gain at the same rate so I dropped my membership after about 6 months with them.
Anyway, enough of the history and onto my issue I am asking about - how do I handle being ME while struggling to lose the weight? I have been to professionals for help - basically I was either told "you're not that heavy so suck it up" or "you look great how you are! You've barely gained anything. No need to be upset." I don't need to be coddled or lied to, and that's what they were doing. To illustrate:
The left is me up until the health struggles - 5'7", 26 inch waist, 20% body fat, size 2 plus or minus depending on the brand. The right two are me now - 35 inch waist and a whopping 43% body fat, and a solid size 12. Yeah, that hurts. I did not appreciate being told that I barely gained anything, because it simply isn't true. I break down in the mirror crying every day because I cannot believe how I got like this. How do I talk myself out of the crying and self loathing? I really don't think it's BDD, as the objective numbers support my opinion. Professional help has been, well, no help.
Anyone here relate? What did you do to help ease the pain while trying to better yourself?
Yes! I can relate. I was a rock climber, athlete, mountain biker, etc. I weighed between 120-125. In 2004, I was placed on Zoloft for panic disorder. I started my medicine in May and by December of that same year, I had gained 60 lbs. I went from 125 to 185. It was insane. The doctor I went to told me that medicine will not cause me to gain weight. Unfortunately, this is not the case for everyone. I was embarrassed and overwhelmed by the amount of weight I had put on and by how quickly I had put it on. I went off the medicine and lost 20 lbs. in a month, but it has been a very difficult battle. I had never struggled with my weight prior to Zoloft. I have struggled a lot since then. It is one thing to lose 5 lbs. and a totally different thing to lose 50 lbs. I have decided that I can't deal with the weight anymore and have made a very diligent, willful goal to lose that weight by the end of summer! You can do it, too!0 -
You have had a traumatic time! ill, on meds, in the hospital, back out again. The first thing I want to say to you is try not to be so hard on yourself. You have been through a lot, and it is going to take time for your to feel good again. It's not something that you should try to brush aside. This has been a big change for you.
I know you said that your Dr/s are working on the meds and that is a big part of your weight gain. I would suggest that you talk to your Dr and see how that change is going, are there new meds you can take instead? support groups in your local area for people on medications/people with your condition? Ask you Dr about the weight gain, what does he /she suggest?
Is it possible that you are eating too little? If you are starving yourself or limiting foods that your body needs, you could be making your problem worse even though you are eating less
HUGS.0 -
In the end calories in vs calories out still holds out - so generally medicines that cause you to gain weight are generally slowing the metabolism down one way or another.
So part of it maybe that you need to reduce the food you consume when on the medication.
There are loads of success stories on here - maybe see if you can find some from people who have had similar issues and see if you can do what they did?0
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