How to handle situation with close friend
VioletNightshade
Posts: 197
A little over a year ago I made the decision to get rid of a lot of excess weight when I got on the scale and the number I saw brought me to tears. It was 260 on the nose, and the resulting journey has been filled with ups, downs, challenges, setbacks, slumps, plateaus, breakdowns, minor victories, triumphs, mini and major milestones, tears, blood and sweat - you know the story, I'm sure. The fact of your reading this means you're likely on a similar path.
Right. Well, around the time I decided I must lose this weight and started actively taking measures to accomplish this, I also stopped eating meat (beef, chicken, pork, fish, etc etc etc) of any kind. Most of my friends don't share my decision, and that's fine. Each to their own. I don't pester them about it and they don't pester me. We don't judge and everything runs smoothly for the most part... with the exception of one. Ever since I made the decision and showed that I was going to stick to it, every time we go to eat, it's the same story. She makes nasty little comments about how what I've chosen to eat is either weird or gross and then complains to me about how she wants to lose weight, but just can't figure out how to do it. She eats like an unsupervised child to the point where it honestly makes me worry about her - it's all red meat, mashed potatoes smothered in cheese, sour cream for miles. If it's not covered in cheese, it's deep fried within an inch of recognizability, and God forbid anything green that's not in jelly or Skittle form grace her plate. I've watched her pick parsley and green onions out of dishes as if they were poisonous because they're green, and therefore inedible. The only things even remotely vegetable related she'll eat are potatoes and carrots - and 99% of the time even those must be smothered in gravy or butter. The only way to get her to eat vegetables is to quite literally hide them in something else and lie to her about it. It's a wonder she's made it this long without having had a heart attack and I legitimately am worried about her. Because I'm the Resident Vegetarian and The Picky Eater (according to her... *facepalm*) she loves to look at whatever I'm eating and inform me of how gross or weird it is.
Now, usually, this wouldn't be a problem. If she weren't one of my closest friends, I'd tell her to go take a long walk off a short pier so that I might enjoy my meal in peace, but lately it's begun to really wear on me how she feels the need to ridicule and criticize what I eat, and acts like I'm doing something wrong by her by eating things I actually enjoy in a manner I feel is good for me. I don't preach about diet to her, at the end of the day, she's a grown-up and is going to do as she pleases, and that's fine. I'm not friends with her because of what she eats, I'm friends with her because I really do enjoy her company - for the most part.
Because my lifestyle has changed and I'm working out more and eating healthier, and granted, yes, I do have a little bit of an obsession with food (and have struggled with eating disorder in the past), and almost all of my friends have enthusiastically joined me, or at least chosen not to address it. My problem here is that she actively tries to discourage me and drag me down with her. She'll try very hard to talk me into ordering something with a thick cream sauce or that's been deep fried (that I don't even want) or something when I've chosen in advance to order something healthy, and have already decided what I wanted before my butt has hit the chair. Sometimes I do give in and I regret every moment of it. After a while, it started to have an impact on my weight. When I was hanging out with her quite a bit, I put on 10 lb because every time I saw her, it was "Let's order pizza!" or "Let's make pasta! I could go for some Alfredo right about now!" or something along those lines, and I have tried to tell her so many times that if she wants to eat this stuff, that's fine, but I don't really want to any more, but she doesn't listen and tries to pressure me into eating like she does when I'm with her. She even got on my case for bringing fruit with me to the theater because fruit and vegetables "aren't food, they're what food eats" and then proceeded to try to convince me to buy candy to eat during the film. I'm eating it, not her, what possible difference could it make to her if I want to eat strawberries, blueberries, pineapple and cut-up apple instead of a bowl of popcorn and a giant box of chocolate?
She also tells me she wants to work out with me, and when she shows up, she'll put off our work-out session and try and schmooze me into ordering pizza in and having a movie marathon instead of working out. I can't tell you how many times I've missed out on my work-out session and either had to double-up the next day or just forget it because of this. After a while, I've begun to think she's actually trying to sabotage me, and that's not cool. If she wants to be fat and unhealthy and die of a heart attack in her late 20's to early 30's, that's her decision, but that's not the life I want for myself. I'm torn between just refusing to set up work-out sessions with her or telling her "Look. If you want to work out, then come over and we will. If you want to eat healthier, then do so. If you don't want to, then don't tell me that you do because we both know that's bull**** and so help me, if I put on another single pound from you pretending you want to join me and then changing your mind when it's time to put your money where your mouth is, I WILL hold you down and wax one of your eyebrows off. You get to choose your favorite. The other one's history. Don't test me, I'm serious. Real serious. Seriously serious. Cereal serious."
It's not specifically a question of will power on my part. I have will power, and I exercise it quite effectively, it's the constant ridicule and attempts at trying to persuade me to make poor decisions that I take issue with. If it were just light-hearted teasing it would be one thing, but it's crossed a line somewhere and this is a ship I don't want to go down with.
I've gotten to the point where I've almost decided to not eat with her any more because I experience anxiety, dread and regret when it comes to my choices around her and that's not something I want to feel concerning food any more. I dealt with that for so many years and I just want to move on. It'll be present to some degree likely forever, that's the nature of the beast, but it's quite heightened around her.
How would you handle this situation? I've tried talking to her about it, and all she does is go "Well, just don't feel guilty about what you eat!" but then 20 minutes later it's "*sigh* I don't know how I put on 30lb in a 5 month period..." It's so frustrating!
Right. Well, around the time I decided I must lose this weight and started actively taking measures to accomplish this, I also stopped eating meat (beef, chicken, pork, fish, etc etc etc) of any kind. Most of my friends don't share my decision, and that's fine. Each to their own. I don't pester them about it and they don't pester me. We don't judge and everything runs smoothly for the most part... with the exception of one. Ever since I made the decision and showed that I was going to stick to it, every time we go to eat, it's the same story. She makes nasty little comments about how what I've chosen to eat is either weird or gross and then complains to me about how she wants to lose weight, but just can't figure out how to do it. She eats like an unsupervised child to the point where it honestly makes me worry about her - it's all red meat, mashed potatoes smothered in cheese, sour cream for miles. If it's not covered in cheese, it's deep fried within an inch of recognizability, and God forbid anything green that's not in jelly or Skittle form grace her plate. I've watched her pick parsley and green onions out of dishes as if they were poisonous because they're green, and therefore inedible. The only things even remotely vegetable related she'll eat are potatoes and carrots - and 99% of the time even those must be smothered in gravy or butter. The only way to get her to eat vegetables is to quite literally hide them in something else and lie to her about it. It's a wonder she's made it this long without having had a heart attack and I legitimately am worried about her. Because I'm the Resident Vegetarian and The Picky Eater (according to her... *facepalm*) she loves to look at whatever I'm eating and inform me of how gross or weird it is.
Now, usually, this wouldn't be a problem. If she weren't one of my closest friends, I'd tell her to go take a long walk off a short pier so that I might enjoy my meal in peace, but lately it's begun to really wear on me how she feels the need to ridicule and criticize what I eat, and acts like I'm doing something wrong by her by eating things I actually enjoy in a manner I feel is good for me. I don't preach about diet to her, at the end of the day, she's a grown-up and is going to do as she pleases, and that's fine. I'm not friends with her because of what she eats, I'm friends with her because I really do enjoy her company - for the most part.
Because my lifestyle has changed and I'm working out more and eating healthier, and granted, yes, I do have a little bit of an obsession with food (and have struggled with eating disorder in the past), and almost all of my friends have enthusiastically joined me, or at least chosen not to address it. My problem here is that she actively tries to discourage me and drag me down with her. She'll try very hard to talk me into ordering something with a thick cream sauce or that's been deep fried (that I don't even want) or something when I've chosen in advance to order something healthy, and have already decided what I wanted before my butt has hit the chair. Sometimes I do give in and I regret every moment of it. After a while, it started to have an impact on my weight. When I was hanging out with her quite a bit, I put on 10 lb because every time I saw her, it was "Let's order pizza!" or "Let's make pasta! I could go for some Alfredo right about now!" or something along those lines, and I have tried to tell her so many times that if she wants to eat this stuff, that's fine, but I don't really want to any more, but she doesn't listen and tries to pressure me into eating like she does when I'm with her. She even got on my case for bringing fruit with me to the theater because fruit and vegetables "aren't food, they're what food eats" and then proceeded to try to convince me to buy candy to eat during the film. I'm eating it, not her, what possible difference could it make to her if I want to eat strawberries, blueberries, pineapple and cut-up apple instead of a bowl of popcorn and a giant box of chocolate?
She also tells me she wants to work out with me, and when she shows up, she'll put off our work-out session and try and schmooze me into ordering pizza in and having a movie marathon instead of working out. I can't tell you how many times I've missed out on my work-out session and either had to double-up the next day or just forget it because of this. After a while, I've begun to think she's actually trying to sabotage me, and that's not cool. If she wants to be fat and unhealthy and die of a heart attack in her late 20's to early 30's, that's her decision, but that's not the life I want for myself. I'm torn between just refusing to set up work-out sessions with her or telling her "Look. If you want to work out, then come over and we will. If you want to eat healthier, then do so. If you don't want to, then don't tell me that you do because we both know that's bull**** and so help me, if I put on another single pound from you pretending you want to join me and then changing your mind when it's time to put your money where your mouth is, I WILL hold you down and wax one of your eyebrows off. You get to choose your favorite. The other one's history. Don't test me, I'm serious. Real serious. Seriously serious. Cereal serious."
It's not specifically a question of will power on my part. I have will power, and I exercise it quite effectively, it's the constant ridicule and attempts at trying to persuade me to make poor decisions that I take issue with. If it were just light-hearted teasing it would be one thing, but it's crossed a line somewhere and this is a ship I don't want to go down with.
I've gotten to the point where I've almost decided to not eat with her any more because I experience anxiety, dread and regret when it comes to my choices around her and that's not something I want to feel concerning food any more. I dealt with that for so many years and I just want to move on. It'll be present to some degree likely forever, that's the nature of the beast, but it's quite heightened around her.
How would you handle this situation? I've tried talking to her about it, and all she does is go "Well, just don't feel guilty about what you eat!" but then 20 minutes later it's "*sigh* I don't know how I put on 30lb in a 5 month period..." It's so frustrating!
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sounds like the main issue here is that you are allowing her to sabotage you. i say allowing because you are a willing participant in this.
just because someone is your close friend doesnt mean you shouldnt be honest with them, and sounds like you havent been honest with her about your true feelings. i have plenty of good friends i've told to essentially stfu about trying to change my mind about something (religion, diet, relocating) and you know what, we're still friends.
it's up to you to communicate what your boundaries are0 -
You could either shut her down each time she brings up the food issue ("thanks but I'm not interested in pizza. Hey have you seen *insert movie title here*? I saw it the other day, etc. etc.") and just keep switching the topic until she gets bored of pressuring you. Or you could just avoid food-based activities with her. Don't go to dinner, don't have movie nights with her. Find something else to do. Comedy shows, shopping (not for clothes or food!), zoo/aquarium/theme park/whatever. Definitely ditch the workouts with her, they aren't benefiting you or her.
Alternatively I guess you could try writing down your concerns. Perhaps send her an email and tell her enough is enough, and you're tired of her sabotaging your friendship and you won't see her until she stops. It'll either call her bluff, you'll lose her as a friend, or she will keep doing what she is doing in which case you'll have to really evaluate whether it's worth it to you to continue a one-sided friendship.
Sorry I can't give you a concrete answer, it's nothing anyone can really advise on properly unless they know the people involved.
Best of luck :flowerforyou:
PS well done on your achievements, by the way!0 -
sounds like the main issue here is that you are allowing her to sabotage you. i say allowing because you are a willing participant in this.
just because someone is your close friend doesnt mean you shouldnt be honest with them, and sounds like you havent been honest with her about your true feelings. i have plenty of good friends i've told to essentially stfu about trying to change my mind about something (religion, diet, relocating) and you know what, we're still friends.
it's up to you to communicate what your boundaries are
For the most part I resist, but during moments of weakness, yes, I have given in. I completely acknowledge that I do share responsibility here - to say otherwise would be foolish. She's the only one of my friends who isn't either neutral or supportive.
She then turns around and says she wants to join me and we'll set up an activity but she always backs out at the last minute - like when we set up a work-out session together, and she arrived at my house and either said she forgot her work-out clothes and didn't want to borrow any, or flat out would say "I don't want to. Let's do it tomorrow." When I have someone sitting on my couch, it's kind of difficult to decide to work out when she doesn't want to without being rude. Tomorrow then comes and goes without us having done the work-out. For that, I've just decided that when she says she's coming over to work out, I'll do so by myself before she gets here so that she can't end up keeping me from doing so - that part's not so much an issue any more. It's yet another piece in a large, frustrating picture, though.
I don't really know how to fully approach it without being mean and driving her away, though. My attempts up until this point have fallen on deaf ears - including those where I've expressly said "I won't be eating pizza again for a VERY long time, if ever. I put on too much weight when I eat like that." and then she'll start some spiel about how I feel too much guilt concerning food and the next time I see her, it's like the conversation never happened and we're back to square one. The first words out of her mouth will be about getting ice cream or junk food. It's like talking to a wall.0 -
I would stop hanging out with said friend until they stopped this behavior. Have you formally addressed her? It's okay to be honest and mean to friends.0
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Drop her like a bad habit, or the weight you've already lost!
You may think she's one of your closest friends for some unknown reason, but she clearly isn't. A REAL friend would not ridicule you for your choices and try to sabotage your objectives in this manner. She is childish and selfish. That is not the characteristics of a close personal friend.
As stated by someone else, give her the ultimatum and let her decide her fate with you. You don't need that in your life; not now, not ever.0 -
Bin her off.0
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I would stop hanging out with said friend until they stopped this behavior. Have you formally addressed her? It's okay to be honest and mean to friends.
this. and technically it's not mean. just because you disagree with friends doesnt equate to being mean (i think a lot of women need to realize this.. not that i'm saying creative is a woman :laugh: )
Op i personally would shut her doesn every time she says something critical about what i'm eating (ie, "not all of us have an aspiration of eating our way to a heart attack" or "knock knock? who's that at the door? oh it's type 2 diabetes for you").
you could also just void going on food related events with her. i have people i do that with, mainly because i dont like the places they go and i really dont like centering my evening activities around food. i just either join them afterwards if they are doing other stuff or peace out post another activity if they are talking about going to eat.
i'd also stop relying on her to show up for workout. or just going to the gym without her if she showed up without her workout clothes.
sounds like you're too concerned with not being rude while she's perfectly fine with it. since she can dish out, i'd say unleash the kraken :explode:
and if all else fails, just break up.0 -
She doesn't really sound like a close friend to me. Sorry.
Close friends usually support one another. This one sounds like she is trying to sabotage you to make herself feel better about her own body issues.
I would back off and stop seeing her so much for a while. Talk on the phone if you must but until you can sit down and discuss your choices with her (and your right not to have to explain them to anyone) with her EARS open to listen to you, then you are beating your head against a brick wall. She doesn't want to know.0 -
I haven't specifically asked her if she's trying to sabotage me, no. I HAVE told her that I don't like that she always tries to persuade me to make poor decisions, though, and have asked her to stop. She hasn't.
I do realize that she's going through some things, too, and that it isn't all about me, but from my point of view, if one of your friends asks you not to try to persuade them to do something they feel is bad for them, to then turn around and do so is rude and I can't imagine why anyone would do that. On one such occasion a couple of months ago (before I said I wouldn't be eating pizza for quite some time if ever) I'd told her the night before "I need to start eating healthier again. I've begun to put weight on again and I hate that. I feel gross, and I don't want to be like this any more." First words out of her mouth the next day were "I dunno about you, but I want ice cream." I didn't eat ice cream that day, but I did sit across from her while she ate it and told me how good it was and commented about how she can't understand why anyone would pass up ice cream - i.e taunting me with it. An isolated event here or there is one thing - I could handle that. Unfortunately, this is the usual story and happens almost, if not every time we see each other.
When my friends tell me they want to get healthier or work out or something, my initial gut response is "Let's work out together! It'll be fun! We can bellydance... do Insanity, I know ______ has a ton of work-out tapes, and _____ has those cheesy 80's ones you can't do without laughing because honestly..." and I get excited about it. I really would love to be able to do these things with her, too, but she'll get to my house and 20 minutes later, I'll have badgered her into borrowing workout clothes, and will be sitting on the floor surrounded by workout dvds, everything from Insanity to Pilates to different types of yoga and dance and she doesn't want any part of it. It's discouraging - but as said, when she says she wants to work out, I work out before she gets to my house so if we DO end up working out, I get more benefit from it and if not, I've not lost out.
We sometimes have the same days off, so we'll end up spending a good 10+ hours together at a stretch. At some point, we're going to have to eat.0 -
We sometimes have the same days off, so we'll end up spending a good 10+ hours together at a stretch. At some point, we're going to have to eat.
You don't live together... you don't need to spend 10+ hours with her! Just catch up with her, do whatever activity and then go home or move on to your next thing by yourself ("sorry, I have lunch with my parents, gotta run"). I have the same days off as a lot of my friends too and it's rare for me to spend stretches of time like that with any of them. Heck, I barely spend 10+ hours at a time with my boyfriend, and we live together! Probably wise to cap it at 2 hours or something for the time being.0 -
I haven't specifically asked her if she's trying to sabotage me, no. I HAVE told her that I don't like that she always tries to persuade me to make poor decisions, though, and have asked her to stop. She hasn't.
I do realize that she's going through some things, too, and that it isn't all about me, but from my point of view, if one of your friends asks you not to try to persuade them to do something they feel is bad for them, to then turn around and do so is rude and I can't imagine why anyone would do that. On one such occasion a couple of months ago (before I said I wouldn't be eating pizza for quite some time if ever) I'd told her the night before "I need to start eating healthier again. I've begun to put weight on again and I hate that. I feel gross, and I don't want to be like this any more." First words out of her mouth the next day were "I dunno about you, but I want ice cream." I didn't eat ice cream that day, but I did sit across from her while she ate it and told me how good it was and commented about how she can't understand why anyone would pass up ice cream - i.e taunting me with it. An isolated event here or there is one thing - I could handle that. Unfortunately, this is the usual story and happens almost, if not every time we see each other.
When my friends tell me they want to get healthier or work out or something, my initial gut response is "Let's work out together! It'll be fun! We can bellydance... do Insanity, I know ______ has a ton of work-out tapes, and _____ has those cheesy 80's ones you can't do without laughing because honestly..." and I get excited about it. I really would love to be able to do these things with her, too, but she'll get to my house and 20 minutes later, I'll have badgered her into borrowing workout clothes, and will be sitting on the floor surrounded by workout dvds, everything from Insanity to Pilates to different types of yoga and dance and she doesn't want any part of it. It's discouraging - but as said, when she says she wants to work out, I work out before she gets to my house so if we DO end up working out, I get more benefit from it and if not, I've not lost out.
We sometimes have the same days off, so we'll end up spending a good 10+ hours together at a stretch. At some point, we're going to have to eat.
First, congratulations on your decision to get healthier.
You and your friend both have boundary issues. She is criticizing your food etc. but take another look at what you just told us here. You are pressuring her into getting into workout clothes and joining you in exercise she doesn't want to do. If she says she wants to work out but clearly doesn't, I would leave her alone. Let her put workout clothes on and take part herself.
Also, if you sometimes spend 10 hours a day with her, why? Sometimes people become a habit. You share a past and some good memories, but you've grown apart. You don't share the same interests. You're trying to make a more positive life. She isn't positive. I have friends who don't share all my interests, but they're positive people. I would not spend my day with someone just because it's a habit to be together. Make new friends. It's hard and a little sad, but get away from her.0 -
On one such occasion a couple of months ago (before I said I wouldn't be eating pizza for quite some time if ever) I'd told her the night before "I need to start eating healthier again. I've begun to put weight on again and I hate that. I feel gross, and I don't want to be like this any more." First words out of her mouth the next day were "I dunno about you, but I want ice cream." I didn't eat ice cream that day, but I did sit across from her while she ate it and told me how good it was and commented about how she can't understand why anyone would pass up ice cream - i.e taunting me with it. An isolated event here or there is one thing - I could handle that. Unfortunately, this is the usual story and happens almost, if not every time we see each other.
I wouldn't spend time with someone who treated me like that. Good luck. This is all about valuing yourself and drawing the line on what kind of life you want to have.0 -
I haven't specifically asked her if she's trying to sabotage me, no. I HAVE told her that I don't like that she always tries to persuade me to make poor decisions, though, and have asked her to stop. She hasn't.
I do realize that she's going through some things, too, and that it isn't all about me, but from my point of view, if one of your friends asks you not to try to persuade them to do something they feel is bad for them, to then turn around and do so is rude and I can't imagine why anyone would do that. On one such occasion a couple of months ago (before I said I wouldn't be eating pizza for quite some time if ever) I'd told her the night before "I need to start eating healthier again. I've begun to put weight on again and I hate that. I feel gross, and I don't want to be like this any more." First words out of her mouth the next day were "I dunno about you, but I want ice cream." I didn't eat ice cream that day, but I did sit across from her while she ate it and told me how good it was and commented about how she can't understand why anyone would pass up ice cream - i.e taunting me with it. An isolated event here or there is one thing - I could handle that. Unfortunately, this is the usual story and happens almost, if not every time we see each other.
When my friends tell me they want to get healthier or work out or something, my initial gut response is "Let's work out together! It'll be fun! We can bellydance... do Insanity, I know ______ has a ton of work-out tapes, and _____ has those cheesy 80's ones you can't do without laughing because honestly..." and I get excited about it. I really would love to be able to do these things with her, too, but she'll get to my house and 20 minutes later, I'll have badgered her into borrowing workout clothes, and will be sitting on the floor surrounded by workout dvds, everything from Insanity to Pilates to different types of yoga and dance and she doesn't want any part of it. It's discouraging - but as said, when she says she wants to work out, I work out before she gets to my house so if we DO end up working out, I get more benefit from it and if not, I've not lost out.
We sometimes have the same days off, so we'll end up spending a good 10+ hours together at a stretch. At some point, we're going to have to eat.
First, congratulations on your decision to get healthier.
You and your friend both have boundary issues. She is criticizing your food etc. but take another look at what you just told us here. You are pressuring her into getting into workout clothes and joining you in exercise she doesn't want to do. If she says she wants to work out but clearly doesn't, I would leave her alone. Let her put workout clothes on and take part herself.
Also, if you sometimes spend 10 hours a day with her, why? Sometimes people become a habit. You share a past and some good memories, but you've grown apart. You don't share the same interests. You're trying to make a more positive life. She isn't positive. I have friends who don't share all my interests, but they're positive people. I would not spend my day with someone just because it's a habit to be together. Make new friends. It's hard and a little sad, but get away from her.
True, EXCEPT, the only times I've done this are the times when she's come to me and asked to join in on my workouts and then shown up and not wanted to do anything. The times I'd pressured her (which I gave up on because it's ultimately pointless), were right after she'd told me that sometimes she needs to be pushed. Tried it four times, got nowhere, stopped. I was trying to listen to her and I was never the one to approach first about it or suggest we work out together. She kept telling me that she wanted to work out and that she doesn't like going to the gym and that the things my and our other friends and I were doing sounded fun, so when she expressed interest, I was happy to include her. I don't even ask her twice any more once she's here. She'll show up, I'll already have worked out without her and be ready for more, and if we end up doing more, great, if not, fine.
Just like with eating vegetables, if she doesn't want to, she doesn't want to, and that's fine. It has nothing to do with me. It's only when her actions start to affect me, or that she approaches me saying she wants to get together and work out and then once we're physically together says she doesn't want to any more and instead wants to eat junk food and gives me crap for wanting to do something for myself that will help me get to where I want to be that I have a problem.
I hate to say it, but I am seriously considering just not spending time with her any more. It makes me sad to even consider this, but there doesn't seem to be much of another way.0 -
I haven't specifically asked her if she's trying to sabotage me, no. I HAVE told her that I don't like that she always tries to persuade me to make poor decisions, though, and have asked her to stop. She hasn't.
I do realize that she's going through some things, too, and that it isn't all about me, but from my point of view, if one of your friends asks you not to try to persuade them to do something they feel is bad for them, to then turn around and do so is rude and I can't imagine why anyone would do that. On one such occasion a couple of months ago (before I said I wouldn't be eating pizza for quite some time if ever) I'd told her the night before "I need to start eating healthier again. I've begun to put weight on again and I hate that. I feel gross, and I don't want to be like this any more." First words out of her mouth the next day were "I dunno about you, but I want ice cream." I didn't eat ice cream that day, but I did sit across from her while she ate it and told me how good it was and commented about how she can't understand why anyone would pass up ice cream - i.e taunting me with it. An isolated event here or there is one thing - I could handle that. Unfortunately, this is the usual story and happens almost, if not every time we see each other.
When my friends tell me they want to get healthier or work out or something, my initial gut response is "Let's work out together! It'll be fun! We can bellydance... do Insanity, I know ______ has a ton of work-out tapes, and _____ has those cheesy 80's ones you can't do without laughing because honestly..." and I get excited about it. I really would love to be able to do these things with her, too, but she'll get to my house and 20 minutes later, I'll have badgered her into borrowing workout clothes, and will be sitting on the floor surrounded by workout dvds, everything from Insanity to Pilates to different types of yoga and dance and she doesn't want any part of it. It's discouraging - but as said, when she says she wants to work out, I work out before she gets to my house so if we DO end up working out, I get more benefit from it and if not, I've not lost out.
We sometimes have the same days off, so we'll end up spending a good 10+ hours together at a stretch. At some point, we're going to have to eat.
First, congratulations on your decision to get healthier.
You and your friend both have boundary issues. She is criticizing your food etc. but take another look at what you just told us here. You are pressuring her into getting into workout clothes and joining you in exercise she doesn't want to do. If she says she wants to work out but clearly doesn't, I would leave her alone. Let her put workout clothes on and take part herself.
Also, if you sometimes spend 10 hours a day with her, why? Sometimes people become a habit. You share a past and some good memories, but you've grown apart. You don't share the same interests. You're trying to make a more positive life. She isn't positive. I have friends who don't share all my interests, but they're positive people. I would not spend my day with someone just because it's a habit to be together. Make new friends. It's hard and a little sad, but get away from her.
True, EXCEPT, the only times I've done this are the times when she's come to me and asked to join in on my workouts and then shown up and not wanted to do anything. The times I'd pressured her (which I gave up on because it's ultimately pointless), were right after she'd told me that sometimes she needs to be pushed. Tried it four times, got nowhere, stopped. I was trying to listen to her and I was never the one to approach first about it or suggest we work out together. She kept telling me that she wanted to work out and that she doesn't like going to the gym and that the things my and our other friends and I were doing sounded fun, so when she expressed interest, I was happy to include her. I don't even ask her twice any more once she's here. She'll show up, I'll already have worked out without her and be ready for more, and if we end up doing more, great, if not, fine.
Just like with eating vegetables, if she doesn't want to, she doesn't want to, and that's fine. It has nothing to do with me. It's only when her actions start to affect me, or that she approaches me saying she wants to get together and work out and then once we're physically together says she doesn't want to any more and instead wants to eat junk food and gives me crap for wanting to do something for myself that will help me get to where I want to be that I have a problem.
I hate to say it, but I am seriously considering just not spending time with her any more. It makes me sad to even consider this, but there doesn't seem to be much of another way.
Have you considered using the power of peer pressure? If she asks to work out, make it a date with her and at least one or two other friends you know will work out. Either she doesn't want to meet up and you have a good time working out with the other friends, or she shows up and you will have some backup if she tries to convince you to do something else. Also, have the other friends be there earlier and make sure you are all in your workout clothes when she comes in
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I'm interested in how that would work out. However, you may just consider not hanging out with her, if it is such hard work >_>0 -
because you are choosing to eat healthier and exercise, you are making your friend feel guilt that she isn't doing the same, it is pure and simple jealousy, believe me i've had more or less the exact same thing my best friend. she quite often told me i'd lost enough weight and should stop now, when that didn't work she started telling me i'd took it to far and now looked like c**p! (at that point i was technically still 20lbs overweight) if you still want to be friends with her your either going to have to sit her down and tell her how she's making you feel or see her far less, unfortunately unless she chooses to lose weight herself she is just going to keep attempting to sabotage you as if your overweight too it makes it ok for her to be
good luck x0 -
Either you're going to have to give her up like you have meat for the sake of your healthy lifestyle, or not be any situation when foods involved around her.
You could always take the white lie approach and say I didn't want to say anything before but I'vebeen diagnosed with *diabetes/other diet related condition* I have to be strict about my diet otherwise I will need to be hospitalised. Please don't make coping with this condition harder than in needs to be.
Or just straight out tell her you've changed your lifestyle if she continues trying to sabotage you you don't want to hang out anymore, like ripping off a plaster/bandaid0 -
I understand how upsetting it can be to consider not spending so much time with your friend but your responsibility is to yourself and the decision you have made to be more healthy.
From what you say it seems like you were both co-dependants in unhealthy habits and now you've changed she can't handle that she's on her own. She probably has her own problems with self esteem and lack of self worth and she is allowing the fact that you are losing weight to make her feel worse - but that is all HER stuff.
Have you tried telling her how you FEEL about her lack of support, pleasure/ relief when she succeeds in derailing you and the thought that you might have to spend less time (particularly food related) with her if this continues?
Keep strong and, if she is as valuable to you as she seems to be, spend some time writing down what you want her to understand and try to have a proper talk to her (not over food) starting every sentence with 'I feel...' before you give her up - even though you may need to accept that this may be the only solution to continue your recovery.
Good luck.0 -
You need to talk to her. I know you said you've tried, but you then said you're scared of driving her away. Tell her you want to meet up specifically to talk, so it's not just dropped unexpectedly in the middle of a day out. Be completely honest with her and tell her how she makes you feel. There are always two sides to a story. You mentioned you had an eating disorder in the past? Could it be that she's afraid you might go down that route again?
If she is a true friend, she won't let a disagreement ruin your relationship. If she does, then it's time to walk away anyway. If she is a true friend, then she will listen to you and make the effort to stop if she knows it upsets you. If she doesn't, then again, it's time to walk away.0 -
I would ask her to come over to talk about this whole issue or meet somewhere non-threatening (to her) and mutual like a coffee shop or another place of her choosing. I would let her know that you truly value her companionship but being harassed over your eating choices is really starting to make you feel awful about yourself. Sometimes people just don't understand other people's motivations for new habits. I would use photos, your weigh check in on here etc as evidence to explain to her why you are wanting to do these things for you. Explain your goals and make it clear you want your friend's support.
Were her parents big veggie eaters? Maybe she didn't eat them at all unless they were smothered in cheese/butter/sour cream? So eating them any other way is unnatural to her. Maybe she wanted to and her parents made her feel degraded about her decisions? There are so many factors here. Sure you shouldn't have to baby step someone through your own choices but sometimes fear and past hurts override all other actions and they become unreasonable.
Nerd Fitness has a great article for the holiday period but I think you can use it for dealings with your friend until they realise the error of their ways. http://www.nerdfitness.com/blog/2013/11/27/how-to-avoid-holiday-confrontation-while-living-healthy/0 -
God friend or not, I think you really should tell her to take a long walk off a short pier. She isn't respecting you and you need to set a boundary. If she decides to end the friendship over something like this, she wasn't your friend, anyway.
It sounds like she enjoys having someone around who's as unhealthy as she is in order to make herself feel better, but that isn't your responsibility.Tell her very bluntly to back off. If she comes to join you for a workout, be ready to go when she gets there and then walk out the door. She'll follow or she won't.
You really need to stand up for yourself.When I have someone sitting on my couch, it's kind of difficult to decide to work out when she doesn't want to without being rude
She's the one being rude. You made plans. You would have worked out if she hadn't come over and she changed her mind without warning. Tell her to make herself comfortable in front of the TV and you'll be back in an hour (or however long).0 -
Of course, we will have those friends that are not on board or helping our new life style. Dropping her is not an option, so maybe she doesn't fully understand her impact on you and it's time to have a heart to heart. It never hurts except if she can't except your words of communication then it will be time to move on.0
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Why are you friends with this person? If she's being a friend to you, I can't see it.0
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If she is your friend, you should be able to have those hard conversations.
There is one thing to be said though: MISERY LOVES COMPANY. You were both in the same boat and you've made the decision to change. She's not there yet. So, she'll try and keep you in her misery.
Have a heart-to-heart with her. Say something like, "Listen, I love hanging out with you and doing things together, but it hurts me that you're not supporting me in this endeavor. I am really trying to make a change, to stay committed to working out and eating healthy. I'd like for you to join me in this journey--but you've got to do it for you."
(Of course, in your mind, you might be thinking something more like, "If you can't stop sabotaging me, we can't hang out!") Bottom line though: Keep it positive!
Good luck!0 -
Sometimes people we love bring us down, and sometimes the only thing you can do is to work on loving yourself even if that means cutting some people out of your life for a time. Cut down on the time you spend with her, make sure she knows why you're doing it.
From your responses to others I think you know what you have to do. But it's easy for us to tell you to drop a friend, but it's you who have to do it.0 -
As many posters already have said: drop her. A real friend do not behave like that. Tell her how you feel, that you don't like her criticism and her "bullying" you into doing bad food choices, and if she gets upset; well, that is her problem. A true friend will say sorry and change.0
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She doesn't really sound like a close friend to me. Sorry.
Close friends usually support one another. This one sounds like she is trying to sabotage you to make herself feel better about her own body issues.
I would back off and stop seeing her so much for a while. Talk on the phone if you must but until you can sit down and discuss your choices with her (and your right not to have to explain them to anyone) with her EARS open to listen to you, then you are beating your head against a brick wall. She doesn't want to know.
this!
if and when you do see her, do something that doesnt involve food!0 -
She is afraid... she doesn't think she can do what you are doing, sounds like she wants to but if she doesn't try she can't fail herself or you and she is afraid as you get better looking/more fit you will move on to others now like you (new friends and dump her)...
You know not everyone gives up meat... and some are non-veggie eaters and manage to win the battle, so maybe you could look into a diet (with her) that works with her foods? Just a suggestion.
When she comes for a workout with you, workout if she doesn't than fine she'll need to wait until you are done. But under no circumstance blame her when you don't follow your routine for working out and for eating choices! YOU and only YOU are in control of YOU.
Good luck0 -
I think SERIOUSLY... you should let her read this (your forum post). And my comment so she knows that you didn't post this on here for the world to see including her...but that someone suggested you show it to her. The thing about it is, if she is really important enough as a friend, for you to be bothered by how she reacts to your workouts/eating healthy - then it's a friendship you would prefer to hold on to rather than "drop like a bad habit". She needs to know how you feel and how she's effecting you in your efforts before you become resentful and your friendship is destroyed. If she doesn't like what you have to say about all of this then she's a brick wall, stuck in her ways, inconsiderate, and not going to change. Time for you to decide if she's worth keeping as a friend. If it's a "healthy" relationship. If she DOES hear what you have to say, maybe it will open her eyes to how she's been treating you. Maybe it will inspire her truly to improve herself physically, mentally, emotionally. It's a situation that's going to go one of two ways. She's either going to be angry and in which case she should be removed from your life for missing the point completely OR her eyes will be opened and she can improve within herself and within your friendship. Best of luck!
Cheers!0 -
I'd be honest with her and say, look I like you, but I am trying to be healthier, eat better and work out more, and I regret the decisions I make when I'm around you. Therefore I've decided to do ____ and if there is time later I will hang out with you, but I will not be ordering pizza, I have my vegetarian whatzits with me. And btw, I know you chose not to eat this way, but I am fed up with your disparagement of everything I eat and I'd like that behavior to stop.0
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SHE IS NOT A GOOD FRIEND AT ALL! ANY GOOD FRIEND WOULD BE HAPPY FOR YOU! IN MY HONEST TO GOODNESS OPINION, IT SEEMS LIKE MAYBE SHE IS JEALOUS OF WHAT YOU ARE DOING. SHE DOESN'T LIKE IT BECAUSE SHE ISN'T DOING THE SAME THING AND SHE KNOWS SHE SHOULD BE. SHE TOLD YOU TO NOT FEEL GUILTY OF WHAT YOU EAT?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! AND SAYING THAT FRUIT/VEGGIES ISN'T FOOD, IT'S WHAT FOOD EATS?! SERIOUSLY?!?!?!?! SOMEBODY NEEDS A WAKE UP CALL. SHE IS NOT A GOOD FRIEND AND SHE IS POISON TO YOU. YOU HAVE TO TELL HER THAT SHE HAS TO STOP RIDICULING AND SABOTAGING YOU! AND IF SHE DOESN'T, YOU NEED TO RETHINK YOUR FRIENDSHIP WITH HER.
PS... I TYPED THIS IN CAPS BECAUSE PEOPLE LIKE YOUR "FRIEND" ANGER ME!!0
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