My boyfriend's weight gain - advice on how to talk to him!

It isn't exactly a delight to hear, but in the long run it should help

For example: You have food stuck in your teeth all day... wouldn't you prefer someone tell you so you can fix the problem, even if you feeling embarrassed for a short amount of time?

:noway:

Erm.... that's not at all comparable.

This, and....

Couple of things. First, you need to figure out if you will only be happy with him if he is fit. If the answer is yes, then you are in the relationship for the wrong reasons and the underlying weight thing will always be there. Second, you will very likely be at a point in your life (especially if you have kids) where you will have a pooch or get to be heavier than you want to be. Guess what, if that happens to be with him, dig deep and think how you will feel if you are toting a baby and are told you need to loose the pooch. Believe me when I say hormonally you will go freakshow. Even if kids aren't in the picture, I am sorry to say but you could easily gain 10-20. Maintenance is HARD and statiscally many people will gain some, all, or more weight back than they initally lose. So, being told "hey you've gotton fat" is not what you would want to hear.

And finally - texting/emailing/tweeting….that is NO WAY to have a meaningful conversation. Geesh. Put down the devices and get back to eye contact and emotion.

I think you need to be very careful about how you do this or it could go very badly.

I know that as far as attractiveness goes, that I am attracted to my wife and find her sexy regardless of her weight. I also appreciate the beautiful person she is and her beauty certainly isn't skin deep. I also know that she feels the same way about me because I have been obese for most of our marriage and there isn't a single day that she hasn't made me feel like the sexiest man on earth and I love her for that. I am currently making good progress and getting in better shape because I want to be fit and healthy, but I know that she loves me and is attracted to me even when I am very overweight.

I think if you bring up that it is making him less attractive to you, there is pretty much no way it ends well.

I think it would help to have a common goal to work toward. Maybe do something like plan a trip for next spring/summer to a beach location and make a goal to get in great shape together to look great in your bathing suits. Or maybe tell him that you want to get into strength training and would like him to do it with your. Or take a dance class together. Find a common goal and work together on it to achieve something together.

And don't bring up attractiveness. I promise, it won't go over well.

And please don't do something very immature like doing this in a text!

Good luck.

:flowerforyou: :drinker: I really like this response also!!!

Thank you for this! I know I'm fat, even when I was in denial I couldn't avoid the fact that the pants that used to fall off me (literally) were getting snug, I have huge body issues, if I got an email from the hubby telling me I was disgusting and gross to the man I love the most I'd lock myself in the bathroom and cry for hours going though a vicious cycle of disgust for myself, hatred for him for not having the balls to tell me to my face, then back to disgust and blaming myself, probably rounded out with a massive attack of clinical depression where I would eat everything in sight and get fatter, and back around again. I would also sit and read said email a million times hurting myself more and more. At least if he did it to my face he could comfort me a little bit, and I wouldn't be able to go back and read the conversation word for word.

I hate to say it but I get pretty big red flags about your OP, I don't know personally (hubby has a bit of a pudge, but he is HOT with his pudge, or with rock solid muscles), but your heart doesn't seem all the way in your relationship. I don't know the reason you two broke up in the past, but think about your future. He can be exactly the weight you want him at, but as a species we don't really age well, how will you cope when he starts getting droopy, grey and wrinkly? Would you hint in an email that you would like him to get plastic surgery? I'd caution against taking your relationship to the next level until you're so crazy for him at any weight you can't wait to see him, and you get giddy when it's date night.

Bottom line is it depends on how he is, and no forum post can tell the readers the whole story. I don't know any personality that would like this kind of news in a text/email though, if you're going to say mean things, gotta do it face to face. Good luck to you and him!

ETA: You can't just pick away weight loss like you can a piece of lettuce in your teeth, so yes, I would like the temporary embarrassment to prevent more, but weight loss is not the same.

I would try to have this chat face-to-face - it's really hard, but with email / text, you risk things being misinterpreted.

I had to sit down with my bf and talk to him about this, which is why I'm here looking at the answers you got. I think in my case, it was a bit easier, because he was complaining himself of "being too chubby" and "always being tired". I was willing to help him with that and he responded well to the "chat".

We (also) broke up for a few months last year because we had joined a gym together at his insistence, but I was the only one going. If he did come, he would scoff at my goals and try to tear me down. I told him off and dumped him. He realized his issues, so we got back together.

Be prepared for things to ebb and flow - even if he fully agrees with what you're saying, his motivation to actually do something about it may not be there. If he does agree with you, that's just the first step in a long journey. Try to stay positive and patient, set a good example and know where to draw the line. Some people can't change and I think there's a point where you just have to accept this person isn't going to, regardless of how much you love them or how hard to try to help.

It's tough - good luck!

The best way is to find HIS value in getting in shape, not to talk about what it would do for you. Is there something he used to love to do but can no longer do because of his weight? Maybe if YOU started doing those activities, he'd want to join you... Take videos and pictures of him. Make sure he sees them.

Good luck!

THIS

Not sure if this is still an issue or not, since this topic was originally posted a month ago, but here's my 2 cents being an overweight guy myself.

You say you're still attracted to him, yet you later contradict that by implying (at least how I interpreted it) that you're not (when you said you'd be more attracted to him physically if he lost the weight). So to me it sounds like you were attracted to him physically only at his lower weight and aren't anymore. It also sounds like this is a fairly big deal to you. I think you need to ask yourself if he doesn't lose the weight and stays the same he is currently or keeps on gaining. will you still love him the same (or more) or not? If not, then you should do each of you a favor and just break up now because people only lose weight when they want to or something literally forces them to (i.e. a health condition or the like that results in unintended weight loss). Now I'm not him for sure, but I would think knowing from my own experience that nagging or even gently bringing it up as you said you were looking to do will not work. He will only lose weight when he is ready to do so if he's like most people.

It also sounds like you both have different preferred levels of physical activity. Has this always been the case? If so, then perhaps you would be better off finding someone who matches your preferred level of activity (and thus your preferred physical attractiveness level). If not and you both used to have the same activity level, then perhaps something has caused him to lessen his. Maybe he is content with the relationship and thinks you will stick with him regardless? Maybe he is under stress or depressed and that is causing it? Or maybe he has just gotten lazy and forgotten to do more physical stuff, or maybe he just doesn't want to in general. When you're overweight exercise and physical activity generally are not fun, at least for me it isn't. It's like hard work that you don't get paid for (well you get paid in result of weight loss I suppose, but not paid in the traditional paycheck sense).

I think if this is a major issue for you and you're considering breaking up if he doesn't change then you should either go ahead and do that or talk to a couples counselor together (assuming you can get him to go with you). Maybe it would be easier to bring up if there were a 3rd party involved? Best of luck to you.

I'm going through the same situation so thanks for the replies and to the original poster. I love my BF even now he is bigger. He is now starting to work out but is getting easily discouraged because he gets tired easily and he's not used to that (he used to be very athletic). I've lost 12lbs but I would have been so devastated if he had told me I was too fat back then when he was really hot. He found me attractive anyway, and I want to look better for me and him. So don't even bring up the attractiveness issue. It's about feeling better and wanting to make that change.

So... to sum up... you want to send him a text to tell him he needs to lose some weight so you find him more attractive again...

Yeah that'll go down really well. :huh:

Have you ever considered how you would feel if the shoe were on the other foot?

My husband and i agreed that if either of us got overweight so we became less attractive, that we should be told...

So I'm going to answer this from being in your BF's shoes.

My BF and I have this arrangement. I recently reached the highest I have ever been at 168. I am down to 165 now. Anyway he brought it up the one day after the holidays. He saw me looking unhappily at myself in the mirror. He came up behind me and gave me a hug. Then a version of this conversation happened:


BF: "You gained weight over the holidays"
Me: "Yes"
BF: "How much?"
Me: "13 pounds"
BF: "You know I love you right?"
Me: "Yes"
BF: "You have diabetes in your family"
Me: "I know"
BF: "I want you around"
Me: silence
BF: "What can we do? Do you want me to monitor your MPF?"
Me: "No. But I reactivated my gym membership and I can go 3 times a week." (I was broke and literally had to choose between food or the gym. But now I have class and work and I can only get a good shot at the gym MWF.)
BF: "Ok so why don't you call me when you get done at the gym and tell me about what you did."
Me: "OK"

So that started it. I also understood that he was calling in on our deal. I've been going with as much regularity as snow permits to the gym. I know have a calendar that I put stickers on for when I exercise. Different stickers mean different things. Stars are Zumba, zoo animals are weightlifting, etc. It might be childish but it keeps me going. He also threatens tickles if I miss a day. I get enough tickles without giving him MORE excusses.

We only see each other on the weekends, but when I added in weekend routines I asked if he wanted to do them with me and has been a good sport.

He likes to rock climb. I hate it because I can't do it very long. But maybe your BF might want to try. It's competitive and fun (when you can get up the wall!)

Instead of "hikes" how about a romantic walk? Any form of movement is good.

Don't do it through text or email. Its a cop-out, like breaking up through texting or email. It takes the pressure of you from having to ACTUALY confront him, and will most like make him feel like crap because you "obviously don't care enough" to do it in person.

I'm not saying you don't care, but that is the sub-message I would get if it were me.

That's great advice, only I took him on a hike with me 3 weeks ago and he was so out of shape one of his feet swelled up and he could hardly walk the next couple of days
Now he uses it as an excuse not to go anymore

BUT - I LOVE the idea of showing him an old picture and maybe having a new one right next to it?

Counter with if he can't do a 3m walk without foot swelling, he needs to get fit for his health (and maybe a double check by the doctor that the foot swelling is only from weight gain and not anything else).

How to do it? Inception.