My boyfriend's weight gain - advice on how to talk to him!

13

Replies

  • csuhar
    csuhar Posts: 779 Member
    How should I go about politely expressing my feelings about this to him?

    So to clarify I want to convey to him that:

    I am still attracted to him and still love him the same
    I would like for him to consider losing weight -
    ~ because he would have more energy and feel better about himself
    ~it would help his mood swings (he's been pretty grumpy!)
    ~ it would help our sex life (and this is the toughy!) because I would be MORE physically attracted to him and he'd have more stamina
    ~it would help me to achieve my weight loss goals
    ~ and possibly get us to spend more time together doing some sort of fun physical activity

    I KNOW he can't change unless he really wants to, I just want to help him to get to that point..

    Can anyone help me articulate this in the best possible way? I was thinking it might be best to email or text this to him...
    I'd rather not say it in person, just cuz I think he'd be embarrassed.
    This way, he could have some time to think about it and hit me back with a well thought out response...?

    I think gentle bluntness is the key.

    Honestly, I think you've got the bulk of the message there. But I would say that you should meet in person and you should use "I" statements. (e.g. "I'm worried about your weight" NOT "You have a weight problem" make the discussion about you and your concerns.) Sit down and tell him you're worried about the situation and have a 2-way conversation. Texts or e-mails can easily be "accidentally deleted" or "forgotten". Speaking in person reduces the ability to avoid the issue, but "I" statements help prevent it from feeling like an attack.

    Also- do you have any idea why he becomes irritable if physical activity is involved? That might be a key to figuring out what he may be willing to do. Perhaps he's got an injury he isn't talking about. Perhaps he feels embarassed being active in a public situation where other people may be out-performing him (lord knows I don't feel great about being lapped on the track). Perhaps he's failed to meet a goal and is frustrated with the idea. You might not be able to figure this out without talking to him.
  • FitCanuckChick
    FitCanuckChick Posts: 240 Member
    It isn't exactly a delight to hear, but in the long run it should help

    For example: You have food stuck in your teeth all day... wouldn't you prefer someone tell you so you can fix the problem, even if you feeling embarrassed for a short amount of time?

    :noway:

    Erm.... that's not at all comparable.

    This, and....

    Couple of things. First, you need to figure out if you will only be happy with him if he is fit. If the answer is yes, then you are in the relationship for the wrong reasons and the underlying weight thing will always be there. Second, you will very likely be at a point in your life (especially if you have kids) where you will have a pooch or get to be heavier than you want to be. Guess what, if that happens to be with him, dig deep and think how you will feel if you are toting a baby and are told you need to loose the pooch. Believe me when I say hormonally you will go freakshow. Even if kids aren't in the picture, I am sorry to say but you could easily gain 10-20. Maintenance is HARD and statiscally many people will gain some, all, or more weight back than they initally lose. So, being told "hey you've gotton fat" is not what you would want to hear.

    And finally - texting/emailing/tweeting….that is NO WAY to have a meaningful conversation. Geesh. Put down the devices and get back to eye contact and emotion.
  • ElliottTN
    ElliottTN Posts: 1,614 Member
    Make him go get his yearly physical. Let the doctors break the hard news to him when he gets his results back then play the good guy as "I'm going to help you fix this bc I care about you and your health."

    Stealth mother Fin mind ninja mode unlocked.


    BOOM. This. LOL

    I really like this idea.. If he listens to his Dr then you know he wants to do something about it. If he doesnt, then he isnt ready and does not care.

    My husband is overweight and growing (constantly complaining his jeans are too small now), but I would never try to change him. He for once is being supportive of my choice to lose weight and get healthy and before that would have never happened. Before he would try to sabotage me. And although he is overweight, my husband went to the health fair here at work and had his blood work done and his numbers were not as horrible as I would have thought. So I really have no room to complain because my triglycerides, cholesterol, and many other things tested were worse than his.

    Another thing to think about... is he really overweight? Or is he just too overweight for what you want in a boyfriend? If he goes to the Dr, is the Dr going to tell him he is perfectly fine where he is and that he is at a healthy weight? Just questions that come to mind.

    the only problem is if he is healthy labs are normal, blood pressure is good, and it's simply a matter of weight it can backfire. "i'm healthy why do I need to worry about my weight?"

    I feel like you are trying to set me up for a debate here...
  • Sporks42
    Sporks42 Posts: 44 Member
    I think you need to be very careful about how you do this or it could go very badly.

    I know that as far as attractiveness goes, that I am attracted to my wife and find her sexy regardless of her weight. I also appreciate the beautiful person she is and her beauty certainly isn't skin deep. I also know that she feels the same way about me because I have been obese for most of our marriage and there isn't a single day that she hasn't made me feel like the sexiest man on earth and I love her for that. I am currently making good progress and getting in better shape because I want to be fit and healthy, but I know that she loves me and is attracted to me even when I am very overweight.

    I think if you bring up that it is making him less attractive to you, there is pretty much no way it ends well.

    I think it would help to have a common goal to work toward. Maybe do something like plan a trip for next spring/summer to a beach location and make a goal to get in great shape together to look great in your bathing suits. Or maybe tell him that you want to get into strength training and would like him to do it with your. Or take a dance class together. Find a common goal and work together on it to achieve something together.

    And don't bring up attractiveness. I promise, it won't go over well.

    And please don't do something very immature like doing this in a text!

    Good luck.

    :flowerforyou: :drinker: I really like this response also!!!

    Thank you for this! I know I'm fat, even when I was in denial I couldn't avoid the fact that the pants that used to fall off me (literally) were getting snug, I have huge body issues, if I got an email from the hubby telling me I was disgusting and gross to the man I love the most I'd lock myself in the bathroom and cry for hours going though a vicious cycle of disgust for myself, hatred for him for not having the balls to tell me to my face, then back to disgust and blaming myself, probably rounded out with a massive attack of clinical depression where I would eat everything in sight and get fatter, and back around again. I would also sit and read said email a million times hurting myself more and more. At least if he did it to my face he could comfort me a little bit, and I wouldn't be able to go back and read the conversation word for word.

    I hate to say it but I get pretty big red flags about your OP, I don't know personally (hubby has a bit of a pudge, but he is HOT with his pudge, or with rock solid muscles), but your heart doesn't seem all the way in your relationship. I don't know the reason you two broke up in the past, but think about your future. He can be exactly the weight you want him at, but as a species we don't really age well, how will you cope when he starts getting droopy, grey and wrinkly? Would you hint in an email that you would like him to get plastic surgery? I'd caution against taking your relationship to the next level until you're so crazy for him at any weight you can't wait to see him, and you get giddy when it's date night.

    Bottom line is it depends on how he is, and no forum post can tell the readers the whole story. I don't know any personality that would like this kind of news in a text/email though, if you're going to say mean things, gotta do it face to face. Good luck to you and him!

    ETA: You can't just pick away weight loss like you can a piece of lettuce in your teeth, so yes, I would like the temporary embarrassment to prevent more, but weight loss is not the same.
  • hedgiie
    hedgiie Posts: 1,226 Member
    this is not easy, good luck. but you can stick on being healthy and hope one day your bf will folow
  • corridor7f
    corridor7f Posts: 17
    I would try to have this chat face-to-face - it's really hard, but with email / text, you risk things being misinterpreted.

    I had to sit down with my bf and talk to him about this, which is why I'm here looking at the answers you got. I think in my case, it was a bit easier, because he was complaining himself of "being too chubby" and "always being tired". I was willing to help him with that and he responded well to the "chat".

    We (also) broke up for a few months last year because we had joined a gym together at his insistence, but I was the only one going. If he did come, he would scoff at my goals and try to tear me down. I told him off and dumped him. He realized his issues, so we got back together.

    Be prepared for things to ebb and flow - even if he fully agrees with what you're saying, his motivation to actually do something about it may not be there. If he does agree with you, that's just the first step in a long journey. Try to stay positive and patient, set a good example and know where to draw the line. Some people can't change and I think there's a point where you just have to accept this person isn't going to, regardless of how much you love them or how hard to try to help.

    It's tough - good luck! :smile:
  • corridor7f
    corridor7f Posts: 17
    I agree. It becomes a matter of being two different people. If you really want to be healthy and your partner doesn't, you start to slowly split. You don't do the same activities together, you don't eat the same things, your energy levels are different, you have nothing to talk about anymore... appearance can be at the bottom of the list, it's just a symptom of bigger issues.
  • bj_carter
    bj_carter Posts: 12
    The best way is to find HIS value in getting in shape, not to talk about what it would do for you. Is there something he used to love to do but can no longer do because of his weight? Maybe if YOU started doing those activities, he'd want to join you... Take videos and pictures of him. Make sure he sees them.

    Good luck!

    THIS
  • benefiting
    benefiting Posts: 795 Member
    He seems to be pretty happy. He just gets grumpy when there's physical activity involved lol.
    Any suggestions besides biking/hiking for an activity?

    It's probably going into winter for you soon but swimming. :)
  • destructor2013
    destructor2013 Posts: 50
    Not sure if this is still an issue or not, since this topic was originally posted a month ago, but here's my 2 cents being an overweight guy myself.

    You say you're still attracted to him, yet you later contradict that by implying (at least how I interpreted it) that you're not (when you said you'd be more attracted to him physically if he lost the weight). So to me it sounds like you were attracted to him physically only at his lower weight and aren't anymore. It also sounds like this is a fairly big deal to you. I think you need to ask yourself if he doesn't lose the weight and stays the same he is currently or keeps on gaining. will you still love him the same (or more) or not? If not, then you should do each of you a favor and just break up now because people only lose weight when they want to or something literally forces them to (i.e. a health condition or the like that results in unintended weight loss). Now I'm not him for sure, but I would think knowing from my own experience that nagging or even gently bringing it up as you said you were looking to do will not work. He will only lose weight when he is ready to do so if he's like most people.

    It also sounds like you both have different preferred levels of physical activity. Has this always been the case? If so, then perhaps you would be better off finding someone who matches your preferred level of activity (and thus your preferred physical attractiveness level). If not and you both used to have the same activity level, then perhaps something has caused him to lessen his. Maybe he is content with the relationship and thinks you will stick with him regardless? Maybe he is under stress or depressed and that is causing it? Or maybe he has just gotten lazy and forgotten to do more physical stuff, or maybe he just doesn't want to in general. When you're overweight exercise and physical activity generally are not fun, at least for me it isn't. It's like hard work that you don't get paid for (well you get paid in result of weight loss I suppose, but not paid in the traditional paycheck sense).

    I think if this is a major issue for you and you're considering breaking up if he doesn't change then you should either go ahead and do that or talk to a couples counselor together (assuming you can get him to go with you). Maybe it would be easier to bring up if there were a 3rd party involved? Best of luck to you.
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  • PSlosing29
    PSlosing29 Posts: 47 Member
    My bf and I go through the same thing..

    I never tell him hes gaining.. I just offer a fruit or veggie if he wants a snack. Or if we decide to have a date night, I take him hiking. If he wants take out.. Hands in the air.. Not really sure what to do about that one.
  • adriennew1
    adriennew1 Posts: 1
    I'm going through the same situation so thanks for the replies and to the original poster. I love my BF even now he is bigger. He is now starting to work out but is getting easily discouraged because he gets tired easily and he's not used to that (he used to be very athletic). I've lost 12lbs but I would have been so devastated if he had told me I was too fat back then when he was really hot. He found me attractive anyway, and I want to look better for me and him. So don't even bring up the attractiveness issue. It's about feeling better and wanting to make that change.
  • rainbowbow
    rainbowbow Posts: 7,490 Member
    You can't make anyone change for you. You need to tell him how you feel and then the balls in his court.

    Give him the positive reasons you listed above- although he'll likely be defensive and be offended regardless. Then you set a time frame for yourself to re-evaluate the relationship. Lets say 3 months.

    If no changes have been made then the ball is now in your court. You get to decide whether or not you want to be with him despite his weight gain. Or whether or not you can't accept him for who he is and want someone more physically attractive. Don't settle either!
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  • Josalinn
    Josalinn Posts: 1,066 Member
    So... to sum up... you want to send him a text to tell him he needs to lose some weight so you find him more attractive again...

    Yeah that'll go down really well. :huh:

    Have you ever considered how you would feel if the shoe were on the other foot?

    My husband and i agreed that if either of us got overweight so we became less attractive, that we should be told...

    So I'm going to answer this from being in your BF's shoes.

    My BF and I have this arrangement. I recently reached the highest I have ever been at 168. I am down to 165 now. Anyway he brought it up the one day after the holidays. He saw me looking unhappily at myself in the mirror. He came up behind me and gave me a hug. Then a version of this conversation happened:


    BF: "You gained weight over the holidays"
    Me: "Yes"
    BF: "How much?"
    Me: "13 pounds"
    BF: "You know I love you right?"
    Me: "Yes"
    BF: "You have diabetes in your family"
    Me: "I know"
    BF: "I want you around"
    Me: silence
    BF: "What can we do? Do you want me to monitor your MPF?"
    Me: "No. But I reactivated my gym membership and I can go 3 times a week." (I was broke and literally had to choose between food or the gym. But now I have class and work and I can only get a good shot at the gym MWF.)
    BF: "Ok so why don't you call me when you get done at the gym and tell me about what you did."
    Me: "OK"

    So that started it. I also understood that he was calling in on our deal. I've been going with as much regularity as snow permits to the gym. I know have a calendar that I put stickers on for when I exercise. Different stickers mean different things. Stars are Zumba, zoo animals are weightlifting, etc. It might be childish but it keeps me going. He also threatens tickles if I miss a day. I get enough tickles without giving him MORE excusses.

    We only see each other on the weekends, but when I added in weekend routines I asked if he wanted to do them with me and has been a good sport.

    He likes to rock climb. I hate it because I can't do it very long. But maybe your BF might want to try. It's competitive and fun (when you can get up the wall!)

    Instead of "hikes" how about a romantic walk? Any form of movement is good.

    Don't do it through text or email. Its a cop-out, like breaking up through texting or email. It takes the pressure of you from having to ACTUALY confront him, and will most like make him feel like crap because you "obviously don't care enough" to do it in person.

    I'm not saying you don't care, but that is the sub-message I would get if it were me.
  • tapirfrog
    tapirfrog Posts: 616 Member
    He knows he's gained weight, guaranteed. He knows it's affecting him physically, guaranteed -- he felt the pain of his foot swelling up. He knows it's affecting your sex life -- guaranteed, you're not the only one who's noticed his lack of stamina. He might be living in a fool's paradise and thinking that you still think he's sexy, but he probably at least suspects that you don't.

    Your real question is "How do I get him to change?" and the answer is "You can't." You can tell him you're worried about his health, and you can ask him if there's anything you can do to help, but beyond that, you gotta follow his lead.

    And as someone who's been in massive pain from trying to exercise while overweight, bugging him to go jogging or biking with you will NOT help. It will feel to him like you're ignoring the real problems he has and trying to get him to do something that is fun only for you.
  • isa75
    isa75 Posts: 156 Member
    That's great advice, only I took him on a hike with me 3 weeks ago and he was so out of shape one of his feet swelled up and he could hardly walk the next couple of days :(
    Now he uses it as an excuse not to go anymore :(:(

    BUT - I LOVE the idea of showing him an old picture and maybe having a new one right next to it?

    Counter with if he can't do a 3m walk without foot swelling, he needs to get fit for his health (and maybe a double check by the doctor that the foot swelling is only from weight gain and not anything else).
  • devil_in_a_blue_dress
    devil_in_a_blue_dress Posts: 5,214 Member
    Old thread is old.
  • FrenchMob
    FrenchMob Posts: 1,167 Member
    How to do it? Inception.
  • paulonuno
    paulonuno Posts: 1
    Haven't read all the posts , but my wife is and has always been in great shape , whilst I fluctuate , I overeat when I'm Under too much stress.

    My wife has never ever told me that I'm overweight, but does encourage me to lose weight to feel better about myself.

    To be honest I have never lost or tried to lose it for her or anybody else , its only when I'm good and ready that I do something about , but I do appreciate that its never never thrown in my face.

    Encourage him to do it for himself , for whatever reason works for him , health , fitness , looks whatever works for him - when it becomes about you , then this will have the reverse effect

    Take care
  • CaitlinW19
    CaitlinW19 Posts: 431 Member
    try that subtle, look at some pictures together route. Maybe start making a photobook online or something to use as an excuse if it would be out of character for you to pull out the photos. He just may get that wake-up call without you saying anything. Most of us know when we've gained weight, but just sometimes don't really really see it till the photo shows us. Just had this happen and come to think of it it's probably why I really got back on the horse. My gut was awful! Unfortunatly I now have a fat passport pic for the next decade. Oh well. Further motivation not to get fat again.

    If that doesn't work, then maybe you can try another more direct approach.
  • hedgiie
    hedgiie Posts: 1,226 Member
    it will be complicated for sure. good luck
  • JewelsinBigD
    JewelsinBigD Posts: 661 Member
    Just do your thing and invite him to do it with you so that you can spend more time together - every workout, every meal, everything. He will either want to be with you and start getting more fit by accident or you will figure out what you can live with - a fat BF or no BF.
  • kjo9692
    kjo9692 Posts: 430 Member
    If he doesn't want to do anything about it he won't. To be honest, when you come up to him all he's going to hear is you asking him to lose weight FOR YOU. Nope, that's not going to end well.

    I know what you mean, my boyfriend has put on a lot of weight (we put on weight together) but he doesn't care to lose it. I don't mind how he looks, I love him period. Nothing is going to change that. I really do care about his health and his performance at work and the time he spends with me (he sleeps ALL THE TIME). But I stopped pushing him because he is simply not going to do it unless he really wants to.
  • breeshabebe
    breeshabebe Posts: 580
    Make future plans of a trip with some sort of fitness goal? Someplace you know he would want to go? For me, nothing is more motivating than travel. You could even take an approach saying that you need to train and asking him to help you. Stroke his ego a bit... tell him he's a great motivator... encourage him in the fitness things that he does right.

    If that's not it then I agree with just talking to him... but I don't think it has to be as blunt as "hey you're getting fat." Point out how great he looked in those photos and how much you loved doing those active things together. Encourage him in his healthy eating habits.. if he has a really healthy food that he likes to cook ask him to cook it and gush over it. Ask his opinions on how you should cook things and on what your doing for weight loss.

    I always take the encouraging route rather than the "naggy wife" route. You know him better than anyone... so you know how assertive you can be.
  • yogioats
    yogioats Posts: 33 Member
    There's nothing for you to articulate. He knows he's gained weight. He either doesn't care or isn't ready to change anything. All you can do is to continue with your healthy life style. If you primarily do the cooking, use healthy recipes. Keep exercising. Perhaps when the weather is nice you both can take a bike ride, roller blade, or take a nature walk together. If it truly bothers you, break up with him.
  • TheRoadDog
    TheRoadDog Posts: 11,788 Member
    How would you want someone to tell YOU that they think you are getting fat?
  • bradXdale
    bradXdale Posts: 399
    ~ because he would have more energy and feel better about himself
    ~it would help his mood swings (he's been pretty grumpy!)
    ~ it would help our sex life (and this is the toughy!) because I would be MORE physically attracted to him and he'd have more stamina
    ~it would help me to achieve my weight loss goals
    ~ and possibly get us to spend more time together doing some sort of fun physical activity

    Say exactly this to him. Be honest and forward.

    If he cares about you the least he could do is try to drop the weight for you. He doesn't have to change but he should understand by him not being compliant it's pushing you away from him.
  • lavaughan69
    lavaughan69 Posts: 459 Member
    My husband started out dieting together on MFP last year and he did really well but then he kind of gave it up, mainly because he travels a lot and it's really difficult for him to stick to it. I would love for him to get back at it but not because I think he's unattractive, but because I worry about his health. He carries most of his weight through the belly and I've read so much about the dangers of belly fat. In addition I know his back gets all out of whack when his weight it up, so he would benefit from some weight loss. All that being said, I would never ever dream of telling him I would like him to lose weight. Through out our marriage I was always the overweight one and he always always always supported and loved me no matter how I looked.

    If you want to try something subtle, try looking in the Success Story section of the forum and find a male success story, copy the link and say something like..."These people in the success section are so amazing! Maybe I should post my results there". That way he thinks you're pointing out something for you, but really you're hoping he gets inspired from the post.

    That's it...that's all I got!!

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