How can I help my mother?

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fitgirl5291
fitgirl5291 Posts: 2
in Motivation and Support
Not a troll, just created this account to post because I'm friends with my mother on here, so I didn't want it to pop up on her newsfeed!

I am at a loss on how to help my mother, and was hoping that someone on here might have some insight. She is very overweight, and very unhappy with herself. She makes attempts at dieting, and she logs on here once in a while, but always fizzles out after a week or so. She has told me that she barely eats, and just needs to exercise more to lose weight but she has no time, but in reality she is eating lots of junk food and sweets, and is not monitoring her food intake, and I know she is eating much more than she thinks she is.

She is getting more out of shape, like getting out of breath just walking from the house to the car. What really prompted me to write this is that we are going on a ski vacation in a few days, and she has told us she will be sitting in the lodge while we all ski. It has been several years since she has skied with us, even though we have traveled to several countries to ski together, a family dream of ours. She used to ski all the time, and she had always told us she stopped because she didn't like it anymore, but last night finally admitted that it was because she had no pants that could fit her, and was too fat to go buy more pants so she wasn't skiing anymore. Another time she came to visit me while I was studying abroad, but we couldn't see much because many of the places we wanted to go required lots of walking and she couldn't do it, or she will pass on going on a hike near our house because she can't make it up.

I won't push her if she doesn't feel comfortable skiing, but it breaks my heart to see her missing out on so many experiences with my family because of her weight. I can see that she would love to be out there keeping up with us, but is embarrassed and so she figures it is easier to just not try. Is there a way that I can gently approach her to see if she would like my help? I have also gone up and down with my weight for a long time, but I recently started eating paleo and doing meal prep every Sunday for the week, and have had dramatic changes in my body. I was thinking that maybe I could offer to do meal prep for her too, or just sit down with her and plan out her week? I don't think paleo is for her, or that she needs to be as strict as I am trying to be, but just having pre-portioned meals that she can have at hand and ready to heat up may help, and she can add some non-paleo things if she would like. She has told me she is jealous of my progress, which makes me feel worse, as I can see her struggling and try to give her advice, but it is not clicking for her! She desperately wants to change, but I think she is just unsure of how to go about it, and I want to help without being unkind!

Any suggestions?

Replies

  • breeshabebe
    breeshabebe Posts: 580
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    My mom really likes gaudgets. When I bought my fitbit, she was really impressed with it. She ended up buyin herself one too. If shes really overweight, I wouldn't suggest Paleo unless thats something she really wants to do... but getting her a fitbit and just starting her off eating less than she burns. When she loses some weight, she might get more into it and study to see what are some more healthy options for eating and exercising.

    I think that saying it as though not saying it is always the best option. Sitting people down and making it really serious just makes them feel like crap and then they run to their comfort food. Or they feel ashamed and want to hide. But if you're excited about something that is happening for you and you tell them about it or provide encouragement, then it may rub off on them.
  • threefancy
    threefancy Posts: 93 Member
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    She desperately wants to change

    No, she doesn't.
    All of the suggestions and pushing and conversations in the world won't help someone who is not ready. She needs to truly want it first. As evidenced by the fact that she chooses to sit out of family activities, she is not ready to change.
    I have the same issues with my parents who are both morbidly obese. Eventually I just decided to stop trying to fix them and live my own life. Although it is sad that they aren't involved as they could be, it is a big weight off my shoulders to not have to worry about them all the time.
  • cebreisch
    cebreisch Posts: 1,340 Member
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    I agree with threefancy. She does not want to change. Well, she may WANT to change, but she's not yet willing to do anything about it. There's a difference. You have to be willing to get uncomfortable enough to make a change.

    There's an adage about a hound-dog on an old farmer's front porch just bellowing. The farmer's neighbor comes over and asks the farmer why the dog's bellowing. "Because he's laying on a rusty nail." The neighbor asks why the dog doesn't move. Farmer says, "Because it doesn't hurt him bad enough."

    The decision is up to her. You can't want it for her enough for her to want to do it for herself. In order for her to do that, she's going to have to deal with her demons, and or truth's about herself that she's not willing to face.

    For me, it really bothers me there are people in this world who don't have to "work at it" to be skinny. They can eat whatever they want whenever they want. I hate that. But you know what? There's not a thing I can do about that. That's not the way my body operates. Once I finally said, "That doesn't apply to me (being able to eat what/when I want). That's not how my body works. That's the way it is..." things got a lot better. (Don't get me wrong, I still like to linger there times....but I can't stay there. It's too detrimental and self defeating.)

    Love her for who she is, and where she is, and quit trying to fix something that it isn't up to you to fix.
  • fitgirl5291
    fitgirl5291 Posts: 2
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    thank you for your responses...they are much appreciated. You are right about wanting it bad enough...it took a long time for that to click for me, and I guess I just want to help her, but I can't until it clicks for her too. I know this, but hearing her sound so defeated while we were discussing vacation plans really broke my heart, and I was hoping for a magical solution that I know isn't there.

    I do love her, and I will try to stop fixing her, and just let her find her own path!
  • mcsweetly
    mcsweetly Posts: 133 Member
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    I have to admit I wasn't ready to change, until I was ready so if you are sure she is ready ask what you can do to help her. My family is doing a fitness challenge together and I mean 4 siblings, all of our spouses and a cousin and her spouse too. This has been great, but just having the support of my husband and seeing him really make an effort has been encouraging for me.

    Just offer her your love and support and ask her what you can do to help. She may or may not be willing to accept the help, but at least you offered. Good Luck!
  • Nephy07
    Nephy07 Posts: 76 Member
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    Feel free to add me from your real account, I have the same issue with my mom, I just don't know how to help her anymore... She has to lose weight, even doctor told her so but yea, if I continue writing I'll write the same post as you did. Maybe we can both think of something, two minds are better than one :)
  • veganpancake
    veganpancake Posts: 12
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    Usually when this kind of post comes up, at least one person will mention depression. I don't think wanting something is equivalent to getting something. Everyone has personal barriers that will make getting something a difficult reality, and no amount of wanting will break down those barriers. I'm an anxious person, and I will often attempt to assuage that anxiety by binge eating. I wanted to lose weight A LOT, but my reasons for binge eating were holding me back. Resolving those issues helped me. Your mother may be anxious and unsure where to start. She may be depressed and feel like she's already failed before she's even begun. Barriers like this are invisible to other people, and she's the only person that can recognize them and try to fix them.

    To sum it all up, try and be understanding towards your mom. If you're close, it might be helpful to disclose any issues you've had on your own weight loss journey (none of us are perfect, after all). This might make her feel comfortable enough to talk about her own problems.

    Good luck!
  • jlchandl17
    jlchandl17 Posts: 27
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    She desperately wants to change

    No, she doesn't.
    All of the suggestions and pushing and conversations in the world won't help someone who is not ready. She needs to truly want it first. As evidenced by the fact that she chooses to sit out of family activities, she is not ready to change.
    I have the same issues with my parents who are both morbidly obese. Eventually I just decided to stop trying to fix them and live my own life. Although it is sad that they aren't involved as they could be, it is a big weight off my shoulders to not have to worry about them all the time.

    This. My Mom is the same way. She complains about being fat and "wanting" to lose weight, but then she'll scarf down a monster bwol of ice cream. She doesn't want to lose weight, she wants to complain about being fat and get attention.

    I've stopped trying. It's her choice to make the change. Nothing you can say or do will change her mind.
  • DustyMarie506
    DustyMarie506 Posts: 65
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    I have watched my mom put on weight for years now. She always says she is going to change but has yet to prove that she is willing to do what is necessary to bring about those changes. I'll admit, at first, reading some of the responses to this post, I thought, "My God, why are they being so cruel!?" However, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that they are absolutely right.

    I am currently in a temporary living situation with my parents. During that time, my mom has watched me train myself for my first 5k (and complete it) and begin (with the help of MFP) to make better choices concerning my diet. She stated in December that beginning in the new year, she wanted to work to lose some weight for a wedding she is attending in June. It is now March, and she has yet to do anything to make the changes she wants to see.

    The truth is, for most of us, this stuff takes work...a lot of work! Like others have said, if she is not willing to do that, then there is really nothing you can do for her other than encouraging her to try. If I could force my mom to make those changes, I would have done so long ago. However, she is an adult, and if she continually insists on purchasing and consuming large amounts of junk food on a daily basis, as much as I hate it, I have to admit that there is nothing I can do. In the end, the choice is hers.

    It sounds to me like you are a caring daughter which may be her saving grace in the end. Continue taking care of yourself, and maybe someday soon, she will see the light. Best of luck!
  • l_ashley
    l_ashley Posts: 154 Member
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    All you can do is work on you. Losing weight and achieving your health goals can motivate her on her own workout journey. I have had the same issues with my own parents. My dad still hasn't gotten to the point where he's ready to change; my mom, however, has noticed my progress and has started working out 2 - 3 times a week.
  • SoreTodayStrongTomorrow222
    SoreTodayStrongTomorrow222 Posts: 252 Member
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    So...we don't have filters in my family and we def never sugar coat anything - I told my parents that there is no way in h*ll that I am taking care of them if they don't take care of themselves - and if they continue being overweight, they should start saving up for their convalescent home now.

    What do ya know - my mom has lost weight and so has my dad – both off of blood pressure medication and have significantly lowered their cholesterol.

    And for everyone who thinks this is harsh – my mom and I spent 6 years taking care of my sick grandmother in home before it became too much. We loved her to death but she never took care of herself (smoking, alcoholism, malnutrition) and it came back to bite her tenfold.

    It is never too much to ask someone you love to take care of themselves.

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