How to deal with unrealistic/controlling mom?!
csearcher34
Posts: 78
Hey everyone,
Right now I'm pretty happy with my weight, after a year of being on here I've gotten down to 120lbs at 5'6'' which I feel comfortable with...the struggle I'm having is with my mom!
Even though I'm 20 years old and away at college she is ALWAYS hassling me about only eating nutritious, healthy food (no IIFYM for her), quizzing me on my diet, and asking me if I'm on an exercise routine! She'll even call me sometimes to check and see what I'm having for dinner!
It makes me feel like I'm not thin enough.... I know that my mom has (and really still does) struggle with a form of an eating disorder, she probably eats about 600 calories a day max with an hour workout every morning, but I don't want to end up as obsessed as she is!
I'm scared that with her constant pressure I'm going to turn out just like her! In all my years I've never seen her eat pizza, cake, cookies, french fries, heck even just eat the same meals as me! She lives off of low-cal yogurts and iceburg lettuce all day and claims that unhealthy food just tastes "gross" to her and questions me why I even like it...
I love my mom more than anything, but I don't want to develop an eating disorder too! How can I set some boundaries without hurting her feelings?
Right now I'm pretty happy with my weight, after a year of being on here I've gotten down to 120lbs at 5'6'' which I feel comfortable with...the struggle I'm having is with my mom!
Even though I'm 20 years old and away at college she is ALWAYS hassling me about only eating nutritious, healthy food (no IIFYM for her), quizzing me on my diet, and asking me if I'm on an exercise routine! She'll even call me sometimes to check and see what I'm having for dinner!
It makes me feel like I'm not thin enough.... I know that my mom has (and really still does) struggle with a form of an eating disorder, she probably eats about 600 calories a day max with an hour workout every morning, but I don't want to end up as obsessed as she is!
I'm scared that with her constant pressure I'm going to turn out just like her! In all my years I've never seen her eat pizza, cake, cookies, french fries, heck even just eat the same meals as me! She lives off of low-cal yogurts and iceburg lettuce all day and claims that unhealthy food just tastes "gross" to her and questions me why I even like it...
I love my mom more than anything, but I don't want to develop an eating disorder too! How can I set some boundaries without hurting her feelings?
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Replies
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And my diary has had alot of "unhealthy" foods the past week because it's been finals week and I just haven't had the time to cook regular meals.0
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It sounds like you went about weight loss the right way and that you have a healthy body image minus your mom's nagging. I know it's easier said than done, but try not to make your mom's struggles into your struggles.
If it helps at all, I doubt that your mom believes that you're "not thin enough." She's just projecting her own insecurities onto you, and her own disordered thinking is preventing her from realizing how the things she says might be affecting you.0 -
I have to be honest. My Mom died a year ago. She used to be overprotective of me too, and I miss it.
Why don't you tell your Mom she can call me and harass me about what I am eating for dinner?
Seriously, 'tis just what Moms do. She is concerned for your health because a mother's worse fear is losing her child.0 -
Tell her that you're doing fine and are eating sensibly. Tell her you eat the same things everyday. While I can see concern as a parent for their children being under pressure and gaining weight the first couple years of college (it actually happens), there is going to have to be a time where you need to put your foot down and tell her that you need to live your life.
A.C.E. Certified Personal/Group FitnessTrainer
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Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition0 -
I would say don't tell her what you eat. If she asks you, just start talking to her about your classes. Ask her advice on boys (or girls). Talk to her about ANYTHING, just not food. She may try to direct the conversation back to food/exercise, but don't answer those questions. When she tries to change the subject, just as her about reality TV, movies, sports, whatever.0
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I am a mom of teens, and I talk to them a LOT about food, nutrition, exercise, and health. Some moms might think it's their job to encourage and educate.
Your mom might be looking for something to connect with you about, especially since a) you're gone at college and b) you're obviously interested in weight control and you're doing a great job.
You're an adult now, so when she asks what you had for dinner, just say, "I had the BEST grilled chicken salad!" (And tell her about it) Instead of being annoyed that she asked. If she's like me, she just wants to know you're thriving.
Her eating habits don't have to be a part of your world anymore, so erase that concern. You know what you're doing!0 -
Hey, I'm really sorry to hear that your mother is making you feel that way. She probably is upset that you can be happy with your weight and image and she can't. You might want to do yourselves both a favor and get her to see some counseling for her eating disorder.0
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Hey, I'm really sorry to hear that your mother is making you feel that way. She probably is upset that you can be happy with your weight and image and she can't. You might want to do yourselves both a favor and get her to see some counseling for her eating disorder.
I don't know many moms that would be upset about their kid being happy about something.0 -
How? Move very far away. Finish school. Don't visit. Get a job and move further away. Still don't visit. Have kids. Refuse to visit with kiddos until tune changes.0
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Thanks for the advice everyone! I know that mainly its because she cares alot, and I now that she really wants the best for me.
It's just frustrating because she'll say things like if I don't start eating more nutritiously I'm probably going to start gaining weight, or she'll tell me that calories aren't what's important and I just need to cut all the desserts and high fat out of my diet if I don't want to start gaining... just things like that. I'm just trying to live in moderation, and I wish I could get her to trust me to live healthily!0 -
Hey, I'm really sorry to hear that your mother is making you feel that way. She probably is upset that you can be happy with your weight and image and she can't. You might want to do yourselves both a favor and get her to see some counseling for her eating disorder.
I don't know many moms that would be upset about their kid being happy about something.
Exactly.
Just tolerate it for the few moments you two are on the phone. Listen, thank her for her advice, smile, tell her you love her and keep it pushing. If she pressures you about what you ate either tell her the truth or what she wants to hear. Either way, let her be a mom and you just respectfully listen and engage with her for a few minutes. Get off the phone and continue your day with a smile and positive vibes. Its your mom. If she has always been like this by now you should know how to deal with it.
Don't let it stress you out too much.0 -
Hey everyone,
Right now I'm pretty happy with my weight, after a year of being on here I've gotten down to 120lbs at 5'6'' which I feel comfortable with...the struggle I'm having is with my mom!
Even though I'm 20 years old and away at college she is ALWAYS hassling me about only eating nutritious, healthy food (no IIFYM for her), quizzing me on my diet, and asking me if I'm on an exercise routine! She'll even call me sometimes to check and see what I'm having for dinner!
It makes me feel like I'm not thin enough.... I know that my mom has (and really still does) struggle with a form of an eating disorder, she probably eats about 600 calories a day max with an hour workout every morning, but I don't want to end up as obsessed as she is!
I'm scared that with her constant pressure I'm going to turn out just like her! In all my years I've never seen her eat pizza, cake, cookies, french fries, heck even just eat the same meals as me! She lives off of low-cal yogurts and iceburg lettuce all day and claims that unhealthy food just tastes "gross" to her and questions me why I even like it...
I love my mom more than anything, but I don't want to develop an eating disorder too! How can I set some boundaries without hurting her feelings?
tough love goes both ways, got to set her straight without hinting around even if it hurts her feelings.0 -
I know how you feel. I was put on my first diet at age 7. When she asks what you eat say pizza!0
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Mom is not being 'concern' and loving if she is trying to get you to eat the way she does.
Respect your mom, yes...but boundaries need to be set.
Let her know in a respectful way you are on the right track, you eat a balance diet and that you do work out.
You are an adult.
You are 5'6" tall and 120 pounds. Perhaps sending her a picture of how wonderful you look will ease some of her concerns.0 -
At some point becoming an adult involves drawing some boundary lines with parents. Don't answer any questions about the subject. It's okay to say "I don't want to discuss this with you" and change the subject. With my mom it had to happen about medical stuff. I think I was around your age too.0
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I have to be honest. My Mom died a year ago. She used to be overprotective of me too, and I miss it.
Why don't you tell your Mom she can call me and harass me about what I am eating for dinner?
Seriously, 'tis just what Moms do. She is concerned for your health because a mother's worse fear is losing her child.
My mother has never done this. My husband's mom does though. She wants to know what he's eating, how work was, if he worked out, what's he doing, blahblah...every day.
That's why we don't answer the phone when she calls and tell people she's crazy when they ask why we only talk about my family.
OP: stop answering the phone. If people ask why you stopped talking to your mom tell them she's crazy. Easy.0 -
I'm really appreciating the feedback everyone! I guess the main struggle for me is I just want to live up to her expectations I think. Health and fitness have always been really important to her and she was a personal trainer for twenty years.and before that she did ballet so it's always been a part of her life .. She's always extremely pleased if I'm on a strict exercise routine... I think the hard part is trying to make her happy while myself realizing I may never live up to her expectations, and just learning to be okay with that.0
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I'm really appreciating the feedback everyone! I guess the main struggle for me is I just want to live up to her expectations I think. Health and fitness have always been really important to her and she was a personal trainer for twenty years.and before that she did ballet so it's always been a part of her life .. She's always extremely pleased if I'm on a strict exercise routine... I think the hard part is trying to make her happy while myself realizing I may never live up to her expectations, and just learning to be okay with that.
I think the hard part is trying to make her happy while myself realizing I may never live up to her expectations, and just learning to be okay with that."
Smart young lady.0 -
My best friend's mom is exactly like this!!
Honestly, best method is to just tell her a couple of times that her negativity is making you uncomfortable and she needs to stop. You're an adult and she's an adult so it's a reasonable request.
At the same time, it's probably not realistic to believe that this will be a long term solution, so after you've had the above conversation and she starts doing it again, tell her you don't want to talk to her until she can be more positive and supportive. Then don't take her calls for a while. Just make sure you're clear in your intentions before you do this or she'll just think you're being distant or immature vs. making an actual point.
This seems to be the best way to stop the emotional manipulation/set boundaries and not taking calls for a while gets the point across when you don't live close to each other.0 -
You definitely have to set boundaries with your parents. I realized this too late in life and am stuck with a degree I can't use for any jobs that would make me happy because I chose a major to make my parents happy. She obviously doesn't know how to eat healthy since she isn't eating enough each day. It might bother her that you know how to stay a healthy weight while eating a decent amount. And maybe her bringing it up to you all the time is a way to find out how you are doing without directly asking for help.0
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Learn to say no without having to explain yourself, because you're an adult who knows what they're doing.
I'd seriously worry about her though if she's really only eating that much, and I'd encourage therapy, because if you're in college, there's way more dangerous stuff you can be doing than eating pizza.0 -
I have to be honest. My Mom died a year ago. She used to be overprotective of me too, and I miss it.
Why don't you tell your Mom she can call me and harass me about what I am eating for dinner?
Seriously, 'tis just what Moms do. She is concerned for your health because a mother's worse fear is losing her child.
^ this.
mine died of a stroke a few years ago and i never got to apologize for cutting her out of my life for her final 20 years.
sometimes you don't know what you have until you no longer have it.0 -
I think it is a great time to set boundaries before it becomes a permanent issue during your adult relationship. It's not easy as parents tend to have problems accepting their children are growing. You could just tell her you are happy to talk to her as long as it is not food/exercise related and that you will need to end the conversation if it turns into it. You don't have to hang up on her and be rude, but you can say, "I'm sorry. I need to end the call now. I love you, bye" and terminate the call. You also don't have to pick up the phone every time she calls. It will be some time before she turns around and accepts your boundaries, but if she really loves you she will eventually change. It is ridiculous to think that we must accept our parents' behaviors just because it means they care. It is better to work on a healthy relationship that is good for all involved.0
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I think there are loads of options that fall between cutting someone out completely and letting them do whatever they want just because you won't always have them.
I also think it's perfectly reasonable once you're adult to tell your parents that there are lines you don't want crossed. Not every single topic has to be open for discussion.0 -
I think there are loads of options that fall between cutting someone out completely and letting them do whatever they want just because you won't always have them.
I also think it's perfectly reasonable once you're adult to tell your parents that there are lines you don't want crossed. Not every single topic has to be open for discussion.
Agreed. It sounds like OP just has some boundary issues to work out. Not everyone has an evil mother.0 -
This behavior is extreme and unhealthy. I get it. My mom once offered me a trip to Ireland if I lost some weight. Sounds great until you basically equate your worth in your mom's eyes with the weight on the scale. I don't know what to tell you because there's no easy solution. She thinks she's protecting you, you (rightfully) feel judged, like her love and approval is dependent upon some arbitrary number on the scale. It sucks. As someone who really has been there: open the dialogue. Tell her how it's making you feel.0
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I think there are loads of options that fall between cutting someone out completely and letting them do whatever they want just because you won't always have them.
I also think it's perfectly reasonable once you're adult to tell your parents that there are lines you don't want crossed. Not every single topic has to be open for discussion.
Agreed. It sounds like OP just has some boundary issues to work out. Not everyone has an evil mother.
We should be so lucky as to have things like dealing with overbearing parents be as easy as "Meh, she's basically the wicked queen" and then cutting them off forever. But, alas, usually they're just slightly whacko people with issues taking some steps the *kitten* back.
I think a little time not answering the phone will be good for the OP and her mom. Or her mother will come back even more extreme than before. Hard to say.0 -
I suggest setting a firm boundary and clearly telling her something like "I would rather if we don't talk about food/health because I am trying to avoid getting obsessive" and then if she brings it up just redirect the conversation or talk about something else. If she refuses then you might need to explain more clearly to her. Boundaries are vital.
ETA: I don't think it's appropriate for people who have lost parents and have certain regrets to be transferring their emotions to this situation. Yes, your feelings are valid, but what the OP's mother is doing is not healthy, not appropriate and should not be tolerated. It's not "just what mum's do" at all.0 -
I think there are loads of options that fall between cutting someone out completely and letting them do whatever they want just because you won't always have them.
I also think it's perfectly reasonable once you're adult to tell your parents that there are lines you don't want crossed. Not every single topic has to be open for discussion.
Agreed. It sounds like OP just has some boundary issues to work out. Not everyone has an evil mother.
Agree.
And I also agree with opening a dialogue and expressing your feelings in a tactful way. You obviously have a lot of respect for your mom and love her very much so only you know how to go about opening up the discussion.
I know earlier I pretty much said grin and bear it only because I'm a big believer in respecting mom and I have a daughter around your age who we are very close. She shows me the utmost respect and values my opinion and constantly ask for it. But I also agree you need to express yourself to her and get it off your chest.
You got a lot of great advice on here I'm sure you will figure it out.0 -
My mom used to be constantly pressuring me about my weight. She eats about 800 calories a day and is convinced that all of my problems would go away if I was skinny. We made a deal that she can only mention my weight at the doctors office, in terms of legitimate medical concerns. I'd say sit down with her and lay out some ground rules, including specific times when it's okay for her to talk about your weight.0
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