How to deal with unrealistic/controlling mom?!

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Replies

  • SLLRunner
    SLLRunner Posts: 12,942 Member
    It sounds like you went about weight loss the right way and that you have a healthy body image minus your mom's nagging. I know it's easier said than done, but try not to make your mom's struggles into your struggles.

    If it helps at all, I doubt that your mom believes that you're "not thin enough." She's just projecting her own insecurities onto you, and her own disordered thinking is preventing her from realizing how the things she says might be affecting you.
    This.

    I suggest trying to distance yourself emotionally when she start into a nagging episode. Kindly tell her that you appreciate her concern but that your eating habits are not up for discussion. End the conversation. You're an adult, you don't have to discuss anything with anyone that you don't want to.

    It does sound like you went about weight loss in a healthy way. Your mom has her own issues, which in no way are yours. it sounds like she might need professional help for her disorder if she is eating as few calories as you believe she is.
  • paperfiish
    paperfiish Posts: 52 Member
    Honestly it seems like you have a pretty good understanding of how your relationship with your mom needs more boundaries, and since you understand her eating is disordered I doubt you'll become "just like her" because you have a good understanding of what's healthy and what's not. Now you just need to find a way to keep your relationship with your mother amiable without allowing her to monitor your food/exercise, and that's a highly personal and delicate process that will probably just take time, a couple of fights, and experimentation on what works best with her.

    Personally, my mom is somewhat like this, except that she uses my nutrition/health stuff as a means of fueling the guilt she feels about eating and therefore to justify not eating. As in if I'm eating something like oatmeal and she's having a hamburger, she'll compare the two and then stop eating. I hate having my health choices used as a means of fueling something so unhealthy, so I refuse to talk about food in those manners. Personally I found it useful to redirect topics to things I'm interested in, or otherwise try to derail the conversation from the direction of food and exercise, until either it's forgotten or she gets the message that I'm not willing to go down that path with her.

    I have literally detailed the complicated relationship between Harry, Ron and Hermione and their place as role models in YA literature as a means of derailing negative food talk. That works for me, but you'll have to find a method that works for your mom.
  • SLLRunner
    SLLRunner Posts: 12,942 Member
    Thanks for the advice everyone! I know that mainly its because she cares alot, and I now that she really wants the best for me.

    It's just frustrating because she'll say things like if I don't start eating more nutritiously I'm probably going to start gaining weight, or she'll tell me that calories aren't what's important and I just need to cut all the desserts and high fat out of my diet if I don't want to start gaining... just things like that. I'm just trying to live in moderation, and I wish I could get her to trust me to live healthily!
    Has she ever been overweight?

    Do you think she is anorexic now?
  • AliceDark
    AliceDark Posts: 3,886 Member
    Thanks for the advice everyone! I know that mainly its because she cares alot, and I now that she really wants the best for me.

    It's just frustrating because she'll say things like if I don't start eating more nutritiously I'm probably going to start gaining weight, or she'll tell me that calories aren't what's important and I just need to cut all the desserts and high fat out of my diet if I don't want to start gaining... just things like that. I'm just trying to live in moderation, and I wish I could get her to trust me to live healthily!

    A lot of this is probably just normal transitional stuff that everyone goes through when they start to become an adult. It can take parents awhile to move from "this is my child who needs me to explain things" to "this is an adult who can make responsible choices." You need to keep reminding your mom that you're paying attention to the situation and will be able to take reasonable steps to correct any issue that arises. Most people get something similar with their parents reminding them to take care of their car or pay their bills or whatever. It stinks that your mom's doing this with weight and food, and I'm sorry you're going through this. Keep telling her that the way you were eating helped you get to a healthy weight, that you're continuing to do what worked for you in the past, and if you do gain a pound or two, you will be able to lose them again.
  • Your mom is projecting. She's pushing her issues onto you because she isn't ready to confront them herself. The best thing you can do is just ignore it and try to set some boundaries. You're an adult and you have every right to tell her that you don't want her to be involved in your weight loss anymore, although you appreciate her input and concern. If she asks questions, give simple one-word answers like "I'm doing fine" or "I haven't decided what I'm going to eat yet."

    And also, please try not to take this personally. Your mom isn't saying these things because she genuinely believes that you're not doing well enough. All of these words are coming from her own insecurities about her own weight and health, and they're very revealing about her attitude toward food. Stick to whatever plans you have already developed - you know what's best for yourself - and know that if your mother becomes frustrated with you, it is not because you're doing anything wrong.

    I would also suggest you recommend therapy for your mother if she doesn't already see a therapist. It's obviously not healthy for her to live the way she does, and while I understand how difficult it can be to help people with eating disorders confront their issues and seek help, it's important that she does get help eventually.
  • paperpudding
    paperpudding Posts: 9,282 Member
    I suggest setting a firm boundary and clearly telling her something like "I would rather if we don't talk about food/health because I am trying to avoid getting obsessive" and then if she brings it up just redirect the conversation or talk about something else. If she refuses then you might need to explain more clearly to her. Boundaries are vital.

    ETA: I don't think it's appropriate for people who have lost parents and have certain regrets to be transferring their emotions to this situation. Yes, your feelings are valid, but what the OP's mother is doing is not healthy, not appropriate and should not be tolerated. It's not "just what mum's do" at all.

    Yes I agree with all of your post.

    Particularly the second part - is not helpful to OP to just say she should appreciate having a mother.

    in fact, it sounds like she is very caring to her mother - but her mother has mental health issues in the form of an eating disorder and this is impacting on OP.

    I hope the posters who said things like ' just cut her out of your life' dont really mean that - if a relative has mental health issues, sure, you may need to set some boundaries but surely nobody seriously think you should just cut them off altogether.
  • Velum_cado
    Velum_cado Posts: 1,608 Member
    I would probably use the broken record approach with her. Every time she asks, I would respond with, "I'd rather not discuss it" and change the subject. She'll either get the message, she'll get tired of asking, or she'll get really annoyed and have a bit of a tantrum. In any case, not your problem. It's none of her business.
  • SbetaK
    SbetaK Posts: 398 Member
    How about introducing your mom to MFP? Maybe she will get to reading the forums and learn more about healthy eating. But DON'T tell her who you are because she would likely follow you. Maybe she'll poke around trying to guess who you are but pause to read other comments and even find some friends.
  • thejubster1
    thejubster1 Posts: 57 Member
    I'm really appreciating the feedback everyone! I guess the main struggle for me is I just want to live up to her expectations I think. Health and fitness have always been really important to her and she was a personal trainer for twenty years.and before that she did ballet so it's always been a part of her life .. She's always extremely pleased if I'm on a strict exercise routine... I think the hard part is trying to make her happy while myself realizing I may never live up to her expectations, and just learning to be okay with that.

    There comes a time when, although you respect your parents opinions, you need to live your life as it feels right for you. Sometimes parents need to be reminded, gently, that their job was to bring you up knowing right from wrong and prepare you to make your own life decisions. Their goal for you is often as the same when you wer born - that you are healthy and happy. Your mum seems to have had some pretty definite thoughts about food & health, and they were right for her. You could tell her that you have taken some of the pieces of that which are right for you, and added in some other things that are tailored to you - and your interests. ... It can be hard enough to live up to your own expectations for you, let alone other peoples.....
  • neandermagnon
    neandermagnon Posts: 7,436 Member
    Tell her what she wants to hear and carry on with doing what you want to do. Sometimes in life you have to pick your battles. If this is the only issue between you and your mum, then just humour her and carry on doing your own thing. If she comes to visit, then serve both of you the kinds of meals she wants you both to eat, her visits will be temporary and you can live without pizza etc for a few days.

    You don't have to explicitly agree with her when she says something you don't agree with, or actually flat out lie to her, just be economical with the truth, e.g. if she asks you what you're having for dinner, say you haven't decided yet, then listen to her suggestion, thank her for it, then after you hang up go and eat what you were going to eat anyway. If she says something incorrect like "calories don't count, it's what you eat" then reply with a truthful statement that neither agrees nor disagrees, e.g. "well I had chicken breast and salad for lunch today mum, so don't worry" or similar.

    If you're worried about your mum's physical and mental health (600 cals/day plus being this paranoid about food does sound like an eating disorder and reason to be worried) then that's a much more difficult issue, maybe eating disorder help groups can give advice to you as a concerned family member about what to do and how to deal with it.
  • kelleybean1
    kelleybean1 Posts: 312 Member
    Have an honest adult to adult conversation with her. Calmly tell her how her comments make you feel. She probably sees herself as being supportive and encouraging and doesn't realize that she's not coming across the way she is. Sounds like she really loves you and cares about you. Work it out.
  • wonderwoman234
    wonderwoman234 Posts: 551 Member
    I am glad you recognize that your mother has an eating disorder and that the way she is treating you is NOT NORMAL. I would absolutely seek counseling (most colleges have therapists you can see that are included in your tuition and your mother will never have to know) to help you figure out ways to have healthy boundaries with your mother. Your mother may not only have an eating disorder, but also a personality disorder that is preventing her from having an appropriate relationship with you. Growing up trying to be pleasing and perfect for a mother or father is tough and I can't tell you how much therapy helped me become an independent, strong, confident woman. My mother was also controlling and instilled crazy ways of thinking about my body and food and always wanted me to think and do what she wanted. Breaking away from that is important but can be tough without expert help.

    For whatever reason, your mother is not allowing you to fully individuate - become your own person - and is using extreme methods to try to control you. She may or may not be capable of recognizing this and changing, however YOU can develop more tools that will allow you to develop your own sense of who you are (not what your mother wants you to be) and to love and accept yourself just as you are. Sadly, it sounds like your mother can't do that for herself. But your job is not to be an emotional caretaker for your mother. Your job is to decide for yourself who you are, what you want in life, and how you want to live.

    Feel free to send me a message if you want to chat further. Best of luck!
  • GiveMeCoffee
    GiveMeCoffee Posts: 3,556 Member
    First you are an adult and you can say Mom, my diet is working great for me thank you for your concern, now let me tell you about all the other things going on in my life. There's got to be more going on that your Mom would probably love to hear about that doesn't involve your diet.

    But you are an adult and if you don't want to discuss your diet with your mom than say it.
  • jasper186
    jasper186 Posts: 134 Member
    Hey everyone,

    Right now I'm pretty happy with my weight, after a year of being on here I've gotten down to 120lbs at 5'6'' which I feel comfortable with...the struggle I'm having is with my mom!

    Even though I'm 20 years old and away at college she is ALWAYS hassling me about only eating nutritious, healthy food (no IIFYM for her), quizzing me on my diet, and asking me if I'm on an exercise routine! She'll even call me sometimes to check and see what I'm having for dinner!
    It makes me feel like I'm not thin enough.... I know that my mom has (and really still does) struggle with a form of an eating disorder, she probably eats about 600 calories a day max with an hour workout every morning, but I don't want to end up as obsessed as she is!

    I'm scared that with her constant pressure I'm going to turn out just like her! In all my years I've never seen her eat pizza, cake, cookies, french fries, heck even just eat the same meals as me! She lives off of low-cal yogurts and iceburg lettuce all day and claims that unhealthy food just tastes "gross" to her and questions me why I even like it...

    I love my mom more than anything, but I don't want to develop an eating disorder too! How can I set some boundaries without hurting her feelings?

    tough love goes both ways, got to set her straight without hinting around even if it hurts her feelings.

    >>This
    As a Mom I can tell you that sometimes we get too protective and don't even realize that we are doing it. There is nothing wrong with telling her honestly what she is doing to you, in fact it may be really healthy for your relationship. Your Mom needs to come to terms with the fact that you are grown up and are perfectly capable of making you own decisions. If she is honest with herself she knows how her obsession with food has affected her life, ask her why she would want that for you. She probably doesn't even realize how she is hurting you. Don't be afraid if you hurt her feelings, she is your Mom, she loves you and she will get over it. Don't let her problem with food become yours. Good luck.
  • Fivepts
    Fivepts Posts: 517 Member
    At some point becoming an adult involves drawing some boundary lines with parents. Don't answer any questions about the subject. It's okay to say "I don't want to discuss this with you" and change the subject. With my mom it had to happen about medical stuff. I think I was around your age too.




    I agree. Read some on setting boundaries. You'll find it helpful in lots of areas of your life. As a mom and someone twice your age, my opinion is that she's going overboard. She may not realize it though. Or maybe she's completely aware. Be gentle but firm with her.
  • skinnyinnotime
    skinnyinnotime Posts: 4,078 Member
    Hmm, your mum is not eating healthily at all. The types of food you describe and the amount of calories she eats is so, so bad. There's nothing wrong with yoghurts and lettuce but if that's the limit of her diet she is not getting all the nutrients she needs.

    Reading this I would say it's not your mums constant badgering, but the actual things she is saying to you that are wrong.

    Yes mums are annoying, but you know what, I wish my mum could annoy me...she died 9 years ago.

    Please DON'T listen to your mums advice.
  • I am glad you recognize that your mother has an eating disorder and that the way she is treating you is NOT NORMAL. ...

    I identify with this response 100%.

    OP, you're getting a great variety of possible perspectives on this issue, and I hope you know you're not at all alone in this experience. In terms of talking with your Mom right now, it's totally okay for you to tell her, calmly and respectfully, that her concerns are unwarranted and you'd rather not discuss the food/exercise aspects of your health as you feel it's become an unhealthy part of your relationship. Moving forward, I would definitely seek out help from a professional who can help you navigate this new dynamic in a healthy way. It can be tough to find the right person, but it definitely helps to have some sort of intermediary when figuring out how to deal with this sort of thing.
  • HealthyishWithMaggieG
    HealthyishWithMaggieG Posts: 397 Member
    Hey, I'm really sorry to hear that your mother is making you feel that way. She probably is upset that you can be happy with your weight and image and she can't. You might want to do yourselves both a favor and get her to see some counseling for her eating disorder.

    I don't know many moms that would be upset about their kid being happy about something.

    I always had a good body image of myself. Nearly everyone else in my family was/is overweight. As a child, my mother always referred to me as "the skinny one" and it would piss me off because it was said with such disdain, I could tell my weight annoyed her. Once I got older and put on some weight, I mentioned being uncomfortable because I was heavier than ever (at that point) and I kid you not... I saw my mom smile, as if she was pleased that I finally "fit in" with the rest of the fat people in our family. So, no, not all moms are happy when their kids are happy.
  • HealthyishWithMaggieG
    HealthyishWithMaggieG Posts: 397 Member
    I'm really appreciating the feedback everyone! I guess the main struggle for me is I just want to live up to her expectations I think. Health and fitness have always been really important to her and she was a personal trainer for twenty years.and before that she did ballet so it's always been a part of her life .. She's always extremely pleased if I'm on a strict exercise routine... I think the hard part is trying to make her happy while myself realizing I may never live up to her expectations, and just learning to be okay with that.

    Oh, honey... as others have mentioned, be respectful toward your mother, but you CAN'T live your life to make her happy and fulfill her expectations of you. It's your life. You have to be happy and fulfill your own expectations of your life. I'm 40 years old and don't speak to my mother now because she was so controlling. I tried to do what made her happy and it made me miserable. (Not food related... relationship-wise.) You NEED to put your foot down and set some boundaries now, before it escalates and becomes too late to fix your relationship.
  • HealthyishWithMaggieG
    HealthyishWithMaggieG Posts: 397 Member
    ETA: I don't think it's appropriate for people who have lost parents and have certain regrets to be transferring their emotions to this situation. Yes, your feelings are valid, but what the OP's mother is doing is not healthy, not appropriate and should not be tolerated. It's not "just what mum's do" at all.

    Thank you for this! I totally agree!
  • ndwildbill
    ndwildbill Posts: 74 Member
    I'm really appreciating the feedback everyone! I guess the main struggle for me is I just want to live up to her expectations I think. Health and fitness have always been really important to her and she was a personal trainer for twenty years.and before that she did ballet so it's always been a part of her life .. She's always extremely pleased if I'm on a strict exercise routine... I think the hard part is trying to make her happy while myself realizing I may never live up to her expectations, and just learning to be okay with that.

    One of the good parts of becoming an adult is that you don't have to live up to anyone's expectations except your own. If you are happy with your weight and the way you are eating, that is what is important. As far as mom, you could just tell her to bugger off as some have suggested, but I think a better way might be to just agree with her and then do what you want. Cherish the conversations you have with your mother, no matter how frustrated they may make you. There will come a day when she won't be there to have even those conversations, and you will miss them. Best of luck, you sound like an intelligent woman who knows the right thing to do.
  • evileen99
    evileen99 Posts: 1,564 Member
    Do not engage in any conversations about weight/food. Any explaining you try to do will must confirm that she has the right to badger you about your food choices. You will never, ever satisfy her, so don't even try. Any comment she makes, just change the subject and move on. She can't have the conversation if you don't participate.

    Trust me, I have a controlling mom, and this is the only thing that works. Do. Not. Engage.
  • Unenthusiastic
    Unenthusiastic Posts: 2 Member
    Easier said than done, but I would not talk to her about meals/calories/exercise. Every time she brings it up you have to change the subject, and if she brings it up again, and again, you have to change the subject again, and again. And again. You're 20 years old and at college, you have things that go on in your life other than food and exercise. Say something like, "oh, I want to tell you about my morning class, we're reading XYZ and it's really interesting." And if she says, "what are you eating? Are you still eating dessert, are you working out?" Say "well, I'd rather talk to you about X."

    It'll take a while, and it'll be frustrating and tough. But you're an adult, although your mom sees you as the kid that you were. And it is SO important to set these boundaries now, because otherwise these are the same conversations that you'll be having with her in a year, and 5 years, and 20 years. And 20 years is a long time to be having conversations that stress you out. (Also, I'd imagine that conversations about every morsel eaten aren't that fun or interesting)

    seems like she has an disordered relationship with food, and that shows up in her conversations with you. I'm sure she means well and thinks she's helping, but having conversations that are interrogations about your eating and exercise are stressing you out and are not what you need.
  • rockmama72
    rockmama72 Posts: 815 Member
    Internet people... Please be careful when diagnosing Mom with an eating disorder, or jumping to conclusions about Mom's problems or psychological issues or malicious intentions or anything like that. OP didn't ask for that, and most likely it would be hugely inappropriate and damaging for her to approach this situation with anything other than a good old-fashioned adult conversation. Adult children since the beginning of time have had to do this with their parents, and parents have had to let go and let their kids be their own people. It's not easy, especially when the "kid" is a brand new adult.

    Signed,
    A mother whose kids have probably told their friends she's controlling and annoying more than once
  • wonderwoman234
    wonderwoman234 Posts: 551 Member
    ETA: I don't think it's appropriate for people who have lost parents and have certain regrets to be transferring their emotions to this situation. Yes, your feelings are valid, but what the OP's mother is doing is not healthy, not appropriate and should not be tolerated. It's not "just what mum's do" at all.

    Thank you for this! I totally agree!

    Agreed 100%. This is not at all in the realm of normal or healthy.
  • lilmisfit1987
    lilmisfit1987 Posts: 183 Member
    I really don't think that's normal as some other mom's on here seem to think. The time to install good eating habits is when they're small and the time to encourage them to stick with it is when they're teenagers. When they're in college I think there will be plenty of other things to nag them about that are more important than their eating habits, especially if it's a daily thing. Does your mom live alone? Does she have any hobbies? Are you an only child? I would just recommend you be honest with her and tell her you've suffered from body image in the past, you're in good shape now, and that all her checking up on your diet is making you unhappy and paranoid about yourself. Tell her there are plenty of things you'd love to talk to her about, but food is not one of them. Make it clear and if she tries to talk about it against your wishes remind her again you will not be talking about this. I think you can only hide behind the "I'm their mom, so it is my right to nag you" shield for so long. When they're adults, sure, you can still nag....but they don't have to listen. They're adults now and they have every right to say "MOM! I'm not talking about this!"

    Be honest, be firm, and be the independent woman that would make your mom proud.
  • neandermagnon
    neandermagnon Posts: 7,436 Member
    Internet people... Please be careful when diagnosing Mom with an eating disorder, or jumping to conclusions about Mom's problems or psychological issues or malicious intentions or anything like that. OP didn't ask for that, and most likely it would be hugely inappropriate and damaging for her to approach this situation with anything other than a good old-fashioned adult conversation. Adult children since the beginning of time have had to do this with their parents, and parents have had to let go and let their kids be their own people. It's not easy, especially when the "kid" is a brand new adult.

    Signed,
    A mother whose kids have probably told their friends she's controlling and annoying more than once

    I disagree. As someone who has suffered from mental health issues, and at one time needed to be near enough forced to get medical help for it.... yes if someone has concerns about another person's mental health, then yes they SHOULD be advised to seek appropriate professional help for that person. If they're not mentally ill and it's just normal behaviour, then the professional will simply reassure them it's nothing to worry about. But if they do need help, then it can make the difference between someone suffering for the rest of their life from a debilitating, emotionally painful and crippling illness versus getting help, treatment and being either cured or learning how to live and cope with the illness much better, i.e. getting their life back.

    If you're suffering from mental health problems, sometimes it can be really hard to realise that your way of thinking is totally messed up, and really hard to recognise that you need help. Very often it does require a concerned person in your life to push you into getting treatment, or make you realise that your behaviour, feelings or ways of thinking are totally messed up. The OP is concerned about her mother's physical and mental health, and from what she says of her mother's behaviour, it's not normal. I can see why she's concerned, both about her mother's relationship and in terms of looking for a way to deal with the impact her mother's behaviour is having on her own life. The worst that will happen if she seeks professional help and there's nothing wrong with her mother is that the professional will tell her that, and tell her to give her mother a break, or maybe give her advice about how to improve the relationship from her end. And if her mother is mentally ill, it could give her her life back.
  • rockmama72
    rockmama72 Posts: 815 Member
    Internet people... Please be careful when diagnosing Mom with an eating disorder, or jumping to conclusions about Mom's problems or psychological issues or malicious intentions or anything like that. OP didn't ask for that, and most likely it would be hugely inappropriate and damaging for her to approach this situation with anything other than a good old-fashioned adult conversation. Adult children since the beginning of time have had to do this with their parents, and parents have had to let go and let their kids be their own people. It's not easy, especially when the "kid" is a brand new adult.

    Signed,
    A mother whose kids have probably told their friends she's controlling and annoying more than once

    I disagree. As someone who has suffered from mental health issues, and at one time needed to be near enough forced to get medical help for it.... yes if someone has concerns about another person's mental health, then yes they SHOULD be advised to seek appropriate professional help for that person. If they're not mentally ill and it's just normal behaviour, then the professional will simply reassure them it's nothing to worry about. But if they do need help, then it can make the difference between someone suffering for the rest of their life from a debilitating, emotionally painful and crippling illness versus getting help, treatment and being either cured or learning how to live and cope with the illness much better, i.e. getting their life back.

    If you're suffering from mental health problems, sometimes it can be really hard to realise that your way of thinking is totally messed up, and really hard to recognise that you need help. Very often it does require a concerned person in your life to push you into getting treatment, or make you realise that your behaviour, feelings or ways of thinking are totally messed up. The OP is concerned about her mother's physical and mental health, and from what she says of her mother's behaviour, it's not normal. I can see why she's concerned, both about her mother's relationship and in terms of looking for a way to deal with the impact her mother's behaviour is having on her own life. The worst that will happen if she seeks professional help and there's nothing wrong with her mother is that the professional will tell her that, and tell her to give her mother a break, or maybe give her advice about how to improve the relationship from her end. And if her mother is mentally ill, it could give her her life back.

    Disagree away. I said this because it's not right that people responding to one Internet post who have zero knowledge of the relationship other than the OP's one post to diagnose mental illness and recommend treatment. Those who recommended discussing this like an adult were spot on.
  • neandermagnon
    neandermagnon Posts: 7,436 Member
    Internet people... Please be careful when diagnosing Mom with an eating disorder, or jumping to conclusions about Mom's problems or psychological issues or malicious intentions or anything like that. OP didn't ask for that, and most likely it would be hugely inappropriate and damaging for her to approach this situation with anything other than a good old-fashioned adult conversation. Adult children since the beginning of time have had to do this with their parents, and parents have had to let go and let their kids be their own people. It's not easy, especially when the "kid" is a brand new adult.

    Signed,
    A mother whose kids have probably told their friends she's controlling and annoying more than once

    I disagree. As someone who has suffered from mental health issues, and at one time needed to be near enough forced to get medical help for it.... yes if someone has concerns about another person's mental health, then yes they SHOULD be advised to seek appropriate professional help for that person. If they're not mentally ill and it's just normal behaviour, then the professional will simply reassure them it's nothing to worry about. But if they do need help, then it can make the difference between someone suffering for the rest of their life from a debilitating, emotionally painful and crippling illness versus getting help, treatment and being either cured or learning how to live and cope with the illness much better, i.e. getting their life back.

    If you're suffering from mental health problems, sometimes it can be really hard to realise that your way of thinking is totally messed up, and really hard to recognise that you need help. Very often it does require a concerned person in your life to push you into getting treatment, or make you realise that your behaviour, feelings or ways of thinking are totally messed up. The OP is concerned about her mother's physical and mental health, and from what she says of her mother's behaviour, it's not normal. I can see why she's concerned, both about her mother's relationship and in terms of looking for a way to deal with the impact her mother's behaviour is having on her own life. The worst that will happen if she seeks professional help and there's nothing wrong with her mother is that the professional will tell her that, and tell her to give her mother a break, or maybe give her advice about how to improve the relationship from her end. And if her mother is mentally ill, it could give her her life back.

    Disagree away. I said this because it's not right that people responding to one Internet post who have zero knowledge of the relationship other than the OP's one post to diagnose mental illness and recommend treatment. Those who recommended discussing this like an adult were spot on.

    I didn't see one single person diagnosing anyone or prescribing anything or telling the OP to administer any kind of treatment on her mother.

    My main issue is that there's a huge stigma around mental illness that doesn't exist with most physical illness (although it does for some that are less well understood like CFS or similar) which makes people hold back from getting help advice and treatment for themselves or for others. If someone suspects that a family member has a mental illness, then advising them to get help for it does not equal diagnosing them or recommending treatment. No-one can know if that person really has a mental illness or not unless they are a doctor. But if it's suspected then that IS reason enough for that person to seek advice and help for that person.... if their suspicion is unfounded then it's the job of the doctor to determine that and tell the person there's nothing to worry about. Same as for physical illness. But if that person is ill, then it's essential that they DO seek help for that person.
  • ythannah
    ythannah Posts: 4,371 Member
    Seriously, 'tis just what Moms do. She is concerned for your health because a mother's worse fear is losing her child.

    If she's concerned for her daughter's health then she should lighten up on the diet inquisition, since eating disorders have the highest morbidity rate of all mental illnesses. That should be the last thing she wants to instill in her child.

    OP, you can't change anyone else's behaviour but you can set boundaries for what you will and will not tolerate. If you really don't want to discuss your eating, simply say that you don't wish to talk about it and change the subject. If she persists, or steers the conversation back to food, repeat the same statement.