Can't believe I made it.

I'm not really sure how to start this, so I'm just going to dive right in..

This morning someone suggested something I honestly never thought was going to be possible.. to write a success story. For the first time ever, I revealed a before picture of myself, which I'll post here, and it was my first time comparing pictures, from the very start, to now.

In September 2012 I was 220lbs. I was also pregnant with my third child, which turned out to be number 3 +4 actually. I knew that twins ran in my family, so I wasn't too surprised, and I already had 2, so this will be easy right? It was, until the pains came. It turns out I had an ectopic pregnancy that ruptured my tube, I lost both babies, my right ovary and my right Fallopian tube. After the surgery and recovery, I stepped on the scale, and there it was.. I had gained 20 lbs. Now sitting at the weight of 2 adult females, I hated myself..

I've always been an emotional eater, so you can imagine after losing the twins, and then realizing I gained so much weight, I ate.. a lot. I know, I know, the irony.

I had tried to lose weight before, crash diets and fads mostly, things that are in no way healthy, or the way that a human being should live. I've always struggled with weight, and being raised by a single dad, there wasn't always time for nutrition lessons. And every time I'd attempted to lose weight, I always told my friends and family I was going to, and somehow always felt like I was setting myself up for failure. I would set up huge unrealistic goals for myself like "Eat 500 calories a day!" or "Workout for 8 hours tomorrow" or "100 lbs in 3 months wont be too hard, just man up fatty!"

This time around, I didn't acknowledge that I was going to lose weight. I felt like when I looked at the numbers on the scale, I would obsess, and I would weigh myself a dozen times a day to see if that cracker really did make me gain 2 lbs. I didn't tell anyone about my goals to lose weight, not even my husband, although he has always been my biggest supporter. This time, I needed to know that I could do this on my own.

I'm a SAHM, so I went to the sporting goods store, and bought myself a stationary recumbent bike, and told husband I wanted to see if it would help with my restless leg syndrome. I started off small. 3 times a week, while he was at work, I would turn the resistance up half way, and ride until I couldn't feel my legs anymore. Then it became 5 times a week. Next thing I know I'm getting off the bike and doing squats, jumping jacks and mountain climbers. I would always push for more, and to go as hard as my body would let me, because I wanted this more than anything. The pain of discipline will never outweigh the pain of disappointment.

When it came to food, I never wanted to develop a food anxiety. I never wanted to have a fear of being around certain things that I used to binge on. I never cleaned out my cabinets, and I never got rid of the junk food. Goldfish crackers have always been a major weakness of mine. I would leave a box of goldfish on the counter out in the open, and every time I went into the kitchen, it was my choice. Grab the accessible goldfish, or have to peel and cut up kiwi, or mango or pineapple. I knew that if I was going to do this, I had to be the one calling the shots, not my cravings. And I needed to learn discipline, or I'd lose control every time I was exposed to junk food. I never quit anything cold turkey, I would always say to myself, "Today, you're going to eat 200 calories less than yesterday" or "Today, you're going to have one less snack" I wanted these changes to be gradual, I didn't want to hate life because I was trying to lose weight. And that's how I did it, I just ate a little bit less, until I was satisfied with around 1300 calories a day. I never beat myself up if I want over, I just kept telling myself to do better next time.

I know I make it sound easier than it is, but it isn't. As I write this, I sit here with a box of tissues, thinking about how hard some days were, and how I felt like giving up. How there were days when I cried, and times when I missed a workout opportunity, or was just too tired to count calories. It isn't easy, but it is worth it. I can get up and run around my with kids now. I can play soccer with them and not be out of breath by the time I make it to the other end of the field. I can go out with my husband, and wear something sexy, and not worry about who's looking at me and if they're judging me. And I can now proudly say that I weigh 155 lbs.





And there is one more happy ending to our story..



We're finally pregnant with baby number 3.

(Sorry about the crappy first picture, it was at a wedding, I caught the bouquet and my husband caught the garter, and sorry about the last picture, it's my husband's crappy work phone lol)