Stuck in a sticky situation with a friend...
mialsya
Posts: 188 Member
I'm not a perfectly healthy person, yet. I have a long way to go in my journey and I know that I am not a professional when it comes to getting healthy. However, I am doing much better and am working very hard to be a positive example to those around me. I have a friend that I have been hanging out with for the past month or so and the longer I know him, the more concerned for him that I become. He is only 34 (I am 33) and I would be very surprised if he weighs less than 400lbs. He's a big boy. He is diabetic, has had surgery on his knee, and a host of other medical issues, most of which could be immensely helped if not eliminated by coming down to a healthy weight range. He is even on disability because of some of these issues. He eats horribly, is very sedentary, and doesn't seem to care about his weight. His family seems to share this opinion. His mother has circulation issues, his father is diabetic also, and he told me his sister is 550lbs. O_o To make matters worse, he has a beautiful and loving 4 year old daughter that he is a single parent to and he is setting a horrible example for her when it comes to food and nutrition. She will throw fits if she doesn't have a constant supply of sugary candy throughout the day and she drinks at least 1 can of soda and an unlimited supply of kool-aid each day. He is a great person, very funny and intelligent and a wonderful personality. It hurts me, though, to sit back and watch him slowly kill himself with food. I can't do it. How can I bring this up to him without a) making him think our friendship is conditional on his weight and looks and b) do so without hurting his feelings? I don't care about physical appearances, I just don't want to be sitting by his hospital bed after his first heart attack in the next couple of years or saying my final goodbyes while trying to explain to his daughter why her daddy isn't coming back before she even hits puberty.
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Replies
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If he comes to you for advice, great. If not, stay out of it.
Edited to remove some snark.0 -
Don't nag. Don't plea. Just be inspiring. Every now and then, maybe once every 6 months. Mention your weightloss and struggles, and offer to help him, if he's interested.
That's all you can do. Every adult gets to make their own choices. I was doing clinicals in the hospital. One patient was about 32 years old, in for recovery from having her lower leg removed from diabetes, in isolation due to infection. So I'm tending to her wearing a mask and protective suit. And she looks at her tray of food with the diet coke with it. Looks up at me, pleading "Can I have a regular coke?"
How do you tell someone "you're here because of all the regular coke you drink, and yet you're asking me to break the doctor's orders to get you a coke." People know that what they're doing is harming them. Be inspiring. Live how you want others to live.0 -
I totally understand where you are coming from, and I know it's a hard situation. Unfortunately, it's one of those tricky situations where nothing will change until he is ready for a change. I would suggest, if you really feel you need to say something, tell him you're concerned about his health and are afraid for him. Don't make it about weight loss, but simply about wanting to have him around for a long time, especially for his daughter's sake. Sometimes I wish there was a way to make people want to change themselves to get healthier, but ultimately, they are the only ones who can make that decision, and often will view any attempts by others to help them before they are ready as "preachy" and will brush all those well-meaning comments aside, or worse, get angry. I hope things get better. Congrats on making strides in your own personal health and wellness!!! Hopefully just seeing your progress will inspire him to want to change. Keep it up!0
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Sad situation, but NOT your problem or business. He will also stop being your friend if you become interfereing.
Depending on how frequently you see him, it may be because he wants something quick and easy. there is no parent in the world who hasnt, at one time or another just thought 'agh, its been a nightmare today, im running late, will just stick a quick pizza in the oven.'
Also, my daughter is fed nutritionally, but she has a terrible sweet tooth and in a bad mood she will tantrum for something sweet, and she also knows that on occasions when we have company i may give in to save the situation.0 -
This is someone that I have come to care a great deal for and that I can see things developing with. As shallow as it may sound, I don't want to become involved with someone who basically won't be there with me into old age. I've had my share of loss in my life and I don't want to get hurt again, but I can see things progressing with us if we stay on the course we are heading down.0
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I just don't want to be sitting by your hospital bed after your first heart attack in the next couple of years or saying my final goodbyes while trying to explain to your daughter why her daddy isn't coming back before she even hits puberty.
This is all you have to say.
But on a personal note, you do have the ability to determine what is acceptable to YOU. You have the right to make decisions based on your best interest. You have the right to determine what you will accept in your life. Although you don't have the right to demand that he make changes for you, you do get to decide whether or not the "entire package" is for you. I know, this is controversial, but overlooking the bad stuff because he has a great personality is the reason many women find themselves stuck with less that ideal men.0 -
Leave him alone.0
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This is someone that I have come to care a great deal for and that I can see things developing with. As shallow as it may sound, I don't want to become involved with someone who basically won't be there with me into old age. I've had my share of loss in my life and I don't want to get hurt again, but I can see things progressing with us if we stay on the course we are heading down.
It's like falling in love with an alcoholic. If you KNOW they're an alcoholic, it's called "creating boundaries." You probably don't want to date them if they're doing something right now you don't agree with. If his weight/health is a factor for you, and a condition of your love, then draw a line and say "I won't date you if you're not working towards the same things I am."0 -
Read this and then show it to him.
http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/1202069-how-i-lost-360lbs-in-15-months-with-photos0 -
If his weight/health is a factor for you, and a condition of your love, then draw a line and say "I won't date you if you're not working towards the same things I am."
Very well put! It's not really an attack on him, but more about you and your goals. You can't become the person you want to be surrounded by these toxic behaviors. "I care about you, and I can see this going somewhere, but I won't date you if you're not working towards the same things I am. It would be a toxic relationship from the beginning. Can we work on this together?"
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I know how you feel, you're genuinely concerned but if he doesnt wanna change then dont talk to him about it, he will stop being your friend because you'll come off as a know it all.0
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This is someone that I have come to care a great deal for and that I can see things developing with. As shallow as it may sound, I don't want to become involved with someone who basically won't be there with me into old age. I've had my share of loss in my life and I don't want to get hurt again, but I can see things progressing with us if we stay on the course we are heading down.
It's like falling in love with an alcoholic. If you KNOW they're an alcoholic, it's called "creating boundaries." You probably don't want to date them if they're doing something right now you don't agree with. If his weight/health is a factor for you, and a condition of your love, then draw a line and say "I won't date you if you're not working towards the same things I am."
This is so true. If you accept his into your life now, in "as is" condition, it is extremely wrong and unfair to later demand changes from him. but you have to right to determine if his "as is" condition is something you want to accept NOW.0 -
He seems to be happy digging his own grave.. Just walk away cause he probably wont change and will eventually treat you differently as you lose weight.. or you will give up with the bad influences around.0
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Wow, some of the replies are really just dismissive and cruel...
Obviously this person is your friend and you care about your friend very much.
Be positive about it -- he has an opportunity to regain his life and his health. And maybe you'd like to ask him to join you on your diet/exercise journey. It would be motivating for both of you.
Don't give up on a friend.0 -
I have a lot of feelings about this. It's very hard, when you have something in your life that you believe is enhancing your life and it is not embraced by someone you care about. But while health is very important, in my mind, when it feels sticky, I insert another situation and see how I would go about it - like religion. If you wrote this post about religion instead of health, my response would be the same: it's not your concern. You want it to be, because you care about him and think it could be more, and that's awesome. What you can do there is to say - once, and in the nicest way possible - that you care a great deal about him and because of that, you are concerned for his health. And then that is it.
For me, if someone said something to me about my eating or health before I was ready to hear it or change my habits, it would have backfired enormously. Because no matter what you say or the concern with which it is said, it is a criticism. All I could hear was that love was conditional, and that I wasn't good enough for you. That who I am and how I live somehow disgusts or repels you and you won't accept me as I am. It was almost a test, though unconsciously. And of course, really loving someone or caring for them means that you do have to be blunt or brutally honest sometimes. But change is not up to you, it's up to that individual. As for parenting - I would shut that down immediately. I do not take well to criticisms of my parenting. I don't believe I've met a parent yet who does.
You need to set your own boundaries. I think you are wise to know now that being with someone whose lifestyle is so opposite your own is not going to work for you (and I don't think that is shallow - shallow would be saying you won't date someone above a 32" waist line). How that is communicated comes down to whether or not you are ready to have a serious talk about the state of your relationship and future of your relationship and understanding that such a blunt conversation may be the end of it.
Surrounded as he is by a culture that accepts poorer nutrition and bigger size as normal or desired, it is going to be a very difficult thing for him to want to change. He may not, and you cannot control that. You can only control the extent of your own actions and limits.0 -
I'm not a perfectly healthy person, yet. I have a long way to go in my journey and I know that I am not a professional when it comes to getting healthy. However, I am doing much better and am working very hard to be a positive example to those around me. I have a friend that I have been hanging out with for the past month or so and the longer I know him, the more concerned for him that I become. He is only 34 (I am 33) and I would be very surprised if he weighs less than 400lbs. He's a big boy. He is diabetic, has had surgery on his knee, and a host of other medical issues, most of which could be immensely helped if not eliminated by coming down to a healthy weight range. He is even on disability because of some of these issues. He eats horribly, is very sedentary, and doesn't seem to care about his weight. His family seems to share this opinion. His mother has circulation issues, his father is diabetic also, and he told me his sister is 550lbs. O_o To make matters worse, he has a beautiful and loving 4 year old daughter that he is a single parent to and he is setting a horrible example for her when it comes to food and nutrition. She will throw fits if she doesn't have a constant supply of sugary candy throughout the day and she drinks at least 1 can of soda and an unlimited supply of kool-aid each day. He is a great person, very funny and intelligent and a wonderful personality. It hurts me, though, to sit back and watch him slowly kill himself with food. I can't do it. How can I bring this up to him without a) making him think our friendship is conditional on his weight and looks and b) do so without hurting his feelings? I don't care about physical appearances, I just don't want to be sitting by his hospital bed after his first heart attack in the next couple of years or saying my final goodbyes while trying to explain to his daughter why her daddy isn't coming back before she even hits puberty.
I'm one of those annoying people who post (rarely) their progress and (often) inspirational messages on Facebook. A couple people have reached out with questions, quite a few have mentioned my posts as inspirational. Most of my friends have become more active in the last year. Just do what you do and you'll reach the people you have any hope of reaching.
Whether you decide to be in a relationship or not is a hard question. Sometimes you meet people whom you will always love and just can't be with.0 -
If he comes to you for advice, great. If not, stay out of it.
Edited to remove some snark.
+1 including the snark removal, I just did it before posting ha0 -
I just don't want to be sitting by your hospital bed after your first heart attack in the next couple of years or saying my final goodbyes while trying to explain to your daughter why her daddy isn't coming back before she even hits puberty.
This is all you have to say.
But on a personal note, you do have the ability to determine what is acceptable to YOU. You have the right to make decisions based on your best interest. You have the right to determine what you will accept in your life. Although you don't have the right to demand that he make changes for you, you do get to decide whether or not the "entire package" is for you. I know, this is controversial, but overlooking the bad stuff because he has a great personality is the reason many women find themselves stuck with less that ideal men.
Exactly this!
If you are serious about him then it needs to be about health. I have done something similar with my boyfriend because he is very anxious all the time and I fear hat I will come home one day and find that he's had a heart attack. If there are feelings he will see that it's not a physical thing.
You can wait for a little while, maybe when he sees you getting healthier he will be inspired. I've had people start asking me questions lately once they see that I am serious about my journey.
I hope it works out for you!0 -
I have a lot of feelings about this. It's very hard, when you have something in your life that you believe is enhancing your life and it is not embraced by someone you care about. But while health is very important, in my mind, when it feels sticky, I insert another situation and see how I would go about it - like religion. If you wrote this post about religion instead of health, my response would be the same: it's not your concern. You want it to be, because you care about him and think it could be more, and that's awesome. What you can do there is to say - once, and in the nicest way possible - that you care a great deal about him and because of that, you are concerned for his health. And then that is it.
For me, if someone said something to me about my eating or health before I was ready to hear it or change my habits, it would have backfired enormously. Because no matter what you say or the concern with which it is said, it is a criticism. All I could hear was that love was conditional, and that I wasn't good enough for you. That who I am and how I live somehow disgusts or repels you and you won't accept me as I am. It was almost a test, though unconsciously. And of course, really loving someone or caring for them means that you do have to be blunt or brutally honest sometimes. But change is not up to you, it's up to that individual. As for parenting - I would shut that down immediately. I do not take well to criticisms of my parenting. I don't believe I've met a parent yet who does.
You need to set your own boundaries. I think you are wise to know now that being with someone whose lifestyle is so opposite your own is not going to work for you (and I don't think that is shallow - shallow would be saying you won't date someone above a 32" waist line). How that is communicated comes down to whether or not you are ready to have a serious talk about the state of your relationship and future of your relationship and understanding that such a blunt conversation may be the end of it.
Surrounded as he is by a culture that accepts poorer nutrition and bigger size as normal or desired, it is going to be a very difficult thing for him to want to change. He may not, and you cannot control that. You can only control the extent of your own actions and limits.
^^This, all of this.0 -
I'm going through something similar with a friend. She is 23, extremely overweight and has recently had medical issues where they flat out told her she has to limit her diet and eat healthier. I've offered advice, I've made suggestions and I've tried to be there for her. She is kind of lazy and won't take care of herself. I keep coming in to her eating fast food or she will go an entire day not eating at all. She complains constantly when she does eat healthy and then gives up and goes to wendy's. The other day I walked into the kitchen and she is slathering butter onto a big piece of red meat to bake... she isn't supposed to eat red meat or butter. And this thing was enough to feed 4+ people.
At this point I plan to address her main complaint. She says nobody has taught her how to cook healthy. Tonight, I have offered to teach her how to cook chicken breasts in a healthy way. If she doesn't take me up on it, I'll sadly have to sit back and watch her hurt herself.
You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.0 -
I think you could frame things when you are with him to introduce him to what you are doing to change your life. Things like, "Hey, I found this recipe and it looks delicious. Let's make it together!" Ask if you can go for walks after dinner to "do something together that will get us out of the house." You can do similar things with his daughter. Hopefully, he'll see the changes in you and be inspired.
I would avoid even calling things "healthy." He probably won't want to eat "healthy," but would eat the same dish if it were "yummy."0 -
Honestly there's not a lot you can do for him or with him until he is ready to do it for himself. What you can do, however, is model good choices for his daughter. Make sure she sees you eating healthy, talk about it with her. She is young...she can head off this family disaster in the making for herself with some loving guidance. And who knows, maybe her dad will get on board too.0
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I would share your enthusiasm with him... be excited about what you're doing for yourself and maybe he'll start to see that even little changes can help. It a tough situation, but unfortunately it might do more harm to bring the subject up to him. He could easily get defensive. My dad used to comment about my weight all the time and I started to resent him (not to say you're going to constantly be commenting on his like my father did to me). I didn't ask for his opinion so it hurt my feelings that he'd say things. Be happy about YOUR changes and progress, invite him to go for walks with you or offer to cook him dinner... Hopefully he'll catch the bug :-)0
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Wow, some of the replies are really just dismissive and cruel...
Obviously this person is your friend and you care about your friend very much.
Be positive about it -- he has an opportunity to regain his life and his health. And maybe you'd like to ask him to join you on your diet/exercise journey. It would be motivating for both of you.
Don't give up on a friend.
I was thinking the same thing :-/0 -
Wow, some of the replies are really just dismissive and cruel...
Obviously this person is your friend and you care about your friend very much.
Be positive about it -- he has an opportunity to regain his life and his health. And maybe you'd like to ask him to join you on your diet/exercise journey. It would be motivating for both of you.
Don't give up on a friend.
I was thinking the same thing :-/
Same.. people can be so heartless sometimes.0 -
I tried this with a friend. Not outright, but we had some talks.
You can't make him want it.
The only person that can do it is him. So until he wants it, it will never happen.
I know it's hard to watch, but it's not your fight.0 -
I can see some of the points being made that it's none of my business, I should stay out of it, you can't help someone who is unwilling to help themselves, and all that. However, if you love someone, shouldn't you try to do the best you can for them? The reply that it's like falling in love with an alcoholic is absolutely correct. You are sitting back watching someone slowly crawl into a grave. Seeing his family and how they operate, it makes me wonder if it's not necessarily that he doesn't care but that he doesn't KNOW. I was at his family's place for a weekend and they had chips and dip for breakfast, iced honey buns for lunch, and chili dogs for dinner. In between these "meals", it was chocolate and candy and sweets and sodas and such. I do think I have had somewhat of a positive influence on him. When I told him I had given up sodas for lent, he stopped drinking them too, but they have been replaced with non-carbonated sugary drinks. Baby steps, I suppose. Their cabinets are full of, well, junk. I don't want to seem like an uppity snob and turn down their hospitality, but I can't eat there. I try to get him out of the house to do things, like take his daughter to the park or go walking or to the zoo or something, but the weather is always working against me so we end up staying there and watching movies or playing video games. I am at a loss.0
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I think the most you can really do is set a good example. People don't change unless they want to change and are mentally prepared to make it happen, but sometimes seeing other people make positive life changes can have a ripple effect.
If I were in your situation, developing a relationship with someone I cared about, I would invite him to go for walks or out to do other physical things that allow you to enjoy each other's company. You might also consider inviting him over for a healthy meal that you've prepared or offer to make a healthy dinner for his family so you can all enjoy it together. You don't even need to tell them it's "healthy", but expanding his culinary horizons may spark a change. 0 -
I think the most you can really do is set a good example. People don't change unless they want to change and are mentally prepared to make it happen, but sometimes seeing other people make positive life changes can have a ripple effect.
If I were in your situation, developing a relationship with someone I cared about, I would invite him to go for walks or out to do other physical things that allow you to enjoy each other's company. You might also consider inviting him over for a healthy meal that you've prepared or offer to make a healthy dinner for his family so you can all enjoy it together. You don't even need to tell them it's "healthy", but expanding his culinary horizons may spark a change.
Listen to this nice person.0 -
If/when you do talk to him, be delicate about it… “I’m telling you this because I love you and I want to be in each other’s lives for a long time…” you can be very raw and open about your feelings… Tell him you’re scared, tell him you want to do it together. Coming from a very vulnerable emotional place will help alleviate him thinking it’s a criticism. Perhaps seeing how much it concerns you for his health and the future of his daughter might trigger something in him.I can see some of the points being made that it's none of my business, I should stay out of it, you can't help someone who is unwilling to help themselves, and all that. However, if you love someone, shouldn't you try to do the best you can for them? The reply that it's like falling in love with an alcoholic is absolutely correct. You are sitting back watching someone slowly crawl into a grave. Seeing his family and how they operate, it makes me wonder if it's not necessarily that he doesn't care but that he doesn't KNOW. I was at his family's place for a weekend and they had chips and dip for breakfast, iced honey buns for lunch, and chili dogs for dinner. In between these "meals", it was chocolate and candy and sweets and sodas and such. I do think I have had somewhat of a positive influence on him. When I told him I had given up sodas for lent, he stopped drinking them too, but they have been replaced with non-carbonated sugary drinks. Baby steps, I suppose. Their cabinets are full of, well, junk. I don't want to seem like an uppity snob and turn down their hospitality, but I can't eat there. I try to get him out of the house to do things, like take his daughter to the park or go walking or to the zoo or something, but the weather is always working against me so we end up staying there and watching movies or playing video games. I am at a loss.0
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