How to respond - "You're starving yourself!"
knicholeg
Posts: 19 Member
And "Oooh, you've lost TOO MUCH weight!"
Besides "ignore the haters", what other ways can one deal with this in a civil manner? What (appropriate) responses are useful and effective?
The worst about this is actually my own mother (we won't get into THAT relationship), who accuses me all the time of starving myself and not eating. It does no use to tell her I am (heaven forbid she doesn't watch me eat three meals a day) and that I'm just making good decisions and eating appropriate portions. When I do this, she scoffs and rolls her eyes. A co-worker of my mother tells me, in a very concerned voice, every time she sees me that I have lost too much weight and need to stop. Most recently, my mom told me I was starving myself, asked how much I currently weigh (told her), didn't believe me, and told me she wanted to see how much the scale actually said. Within days she commented again that I was starving myself and that I STILL hadn't let her see on the scale what I weigh, as if I had something to hide.
They both are overweight and eat unhealthily, which I wish would change however I can't make that change for them. My mother constantly does quick diets and is one of those people who sheds weight easily, then gets back into her bad habits and gains it all back. I have had several people tell me that they (about my mother specifically) are most likely jealous of my success in losing weight and becoming healthy, but that doesn't help me respond to these rude things. It is hurtful, as silly as that may seem, and belittles all the physical, mental, and personal successes I have worked so hard to achieve.
Any constructive advice is very much appreciated.
Besides "ignore the haters", what other ways can one deal with this in a civil manner? What (appropriate) responses are useful and effective?
The worst about this is actually my own mother (we won't get into THAT relationship), who accuses me all the time of starving myself and not eating. It does no use to tell her I am (heaven forbid she doesn't watch me eat three meals a day) and that I'm just making good decisions and eating appropriate portions. When I do this, she scoffs and rolls her eyes. A co-worker of my mother tells me, in a very concerned voice, every time she sees me that I have lost too much weight and need to stop. Most recently, my mom told me I was starving myself, asked how much I currently weigh (told her), didn't believe me, and told me she wanted to see how much the scale actually said. Within days she commented again that I was starving myself and that I STILL hadn't let her see on the scale what I weigh, as if I had something to hide.
They both are overweight and eat unhealthily, which I wish would change however I can't make that change for them. My mother constantly does quick diets and is one of those people who sheds weight easily, then gets back into her bad habits and gains it all back. I have had several people tell me that they (about my mother specifically) are most likely jealous of my success in losing weight and becoming healthy, but that doesn't help me respond to these rude things. It is hurtful, as silly as that may seem, and belittles all the physical, mental, and personal successes I have worked so hard to achieve.
Any constructive advice is very much appreciated.
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Replies
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OP:
What is your calorie goal each day?0 -
Have you told her you find this hurtful, and that you would appreciate it if she stopped?0
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I appreciate your concern, but I'm healthier and happier than I've ever been before and I'm finally eating the right number of calories. Can we please drop this conversation? I am working hard at being healthier and these comments are hurtful.0
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My advice is to not engage. By arguing with her or trying to explain what you're doing, you're telling her that she has a right to be in your business. Shut it down right away with a "I'm not going to discuss it." If she persists, leave. Eventually she'll leave you alone.0
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At this point, I would refuse to engage on it. You are a grown women, presumably, so I would just take the approach of ignore or repeat responses.
"You are starving yourself!"
"No, I'm eating plenty of calories comprised of healthy and nutritious foods."
"You can't be eating enough."
"I'm not discussing this with you, Mom."
"I know you are starving yourself."
Silence or change of subject - "Did you ever get to see that movie we talked about?"
"But I'm concerned you are hurting yourself!"
"As I said, I'm not discussing my weight or diet with you. Would you like to talk about something else or should I hang up/go home/do other task?"
"You've lost too much weight - it's not healthy."
"Thanks for your concern, but I'm very happy with my health and fitness at this point."
"No, you're losing too much and you're probably starving yourself."
"I'm not going to discuss this with you any longer, though I appreciate your concern. How're the grandkids?"
I've had conversations with people where I've just refused to engage in their histrionics. It sounds absurd, but it was the only way to get the point that this topic was off limits now. Change of subject or excuse to leave whenever it wasn't dropped after the first reminder.0 -
Hey hun, i think i can relate. I feel like it may cultural and age differences. My mother and grandmother worked hard to survive, and when they were growing up being thick meant that you had food available and were eating well and were not poor.
They've seen me at 130lbs and they thought i was starving myself too. Mind you i'm only 5'2" and 130is an ok weight, actually on the thicker side.
When I was about 165lbs, my grandmother even said, "you look really good now, your thick and healthy."
LoL
I felt horrible because i knew was overweight, I know my grandma meant well, but they just have a completely different perspective.
I ended up just shrugging it off and laughing it off. I would love their support but it is difficult because my mom too is overweight but she is married and must cook for a carnivore who must have tons if white rice, meats, and potatoes, which doesnt help my mother and ot is difficult for her to be a lil selfish and cook how she should be eating. She does try to.incorporate more veggies to her meals, and limits her carbs as much as possible, and I see her effort but it is still hard.
Again just think about how your relatives grew up. If you can cook them a dish which may be easy and healthy to preapare and start one dish at a time so they can see healthy can still be delicious and satisfying
I'm very lucky my husband has been very supporting and i know rarely cook rice, i've replaced.it with quinoa and beans as often as possible, and we're having more chicken and turkey dishes. And i love finding different salads and sides to prepare.
Best of luck on your progress!
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My calorie goal each day is 1480, but I can honestly tell you that I don't necessarily follow that completely. For a very long time I lost weight and didn't use the website or the app, I just made sure I was eating healthy things and lots of them without putting nasty things in my body (however I rediscovered french onion dip the other night and that was a bad idea). I snack on almonds when I'm hungry between mealtimes, and will let myself "cheat" (I don't consider it a cheat or reward, mainly just being 26 and living life) and have a beer with friends or go out to eat on occasion.
Thank you all so much for your quick responses, I really appreciate it. I will attempt to not engage or reward these things I'm constantly told (and be the bigger person). Not responding will probably be the hardest.
Can you guys think of anything somewhat "nicer" than, "I refuse to discuss this with you"? My mom and I have a terrible relationship, and wordings like that usually create a fight or argument because of "attitude". Yes, I know I'm an adult and should be the bigger person in these situations, but it's often hard. Especially when it's my mother.
ETA: Clarification0 -
Do you bother your mother about her weight? No?
Then you deserve the same respect.0 -
Without wanting to aggravate any issues, do you know why it seems to bother your mother so much? Maybe you need to address what's at the root of her concern.
My mum routinely tells me I look fat (your face is puffy, your arms are thick etc) and then proceeds to try and overfeed me. It's her way of demonstrating she's still important and needed in my life. I obviously can't take care of myself etc... but the moment I figured it out was like a lightbulb moment.
I stopped screaming at her when she told me I was fat. I stopped resenting her for trying to force feed me. For her food = love/ care.
Now when she calls me fat I shrug it off. And when she tries to feed me I just take it with good grace, thank her, tell her nothing tastes as good as home cooking from your mum etc. And it just seems to flow easier. She's just looking for validation.
I'm not saying this is a fix-all just that perhaps "you're starving yourself" may be code for "I want to feel needed" or "I worry about you because I'm not around as much as when you were little".0 -
My calorie goal each day is 1480, but I can honestly tell you that I don't necessarily follow that completely. For a very long time I lost weight and didn't use the website or the app, I just made sure I was eating healthy things and lots of them without putting nasty things in my body (however I rediscovered french onion dip the other night and that was a bad idea). I snack on almonds when I'm hungry between mealtimes, and will let myself "cheat" (I don't consider it a cheat or reward, mainly just being 26 and living life) and have a beer with friends or go out to eat on occasion.
Thank you all so much for your quick responses, I really appreciate it. I will attempt to not engage or reward these things I'm constantly told (and be the bigger person). Not responding will probably be the hardest.
Can you guys think of anything somewhat "nicer" than, "I refuse to discuss this with you"? My mom and I have a terrible relationship, and wordings like that usually create a fight or argument because of "attitude". Yes, I know I'm an adult and should be the bigger person in these situations, but it's often hard. Especially when it's my mother.
ETA: Clarification
I wonder if this isn't more about the relationship between you and your mother than your health and diet? What I'm trying to say is, if she wasn't nitpicking about your diet or weight, would she simply start nitpicking something else about you? It's almost as if she is looking for an excuse to fight.0 -
To clarify, I've not just fixed my eating to lose weight, I work out, too.
There are a plethora of issues with our relationship, but it could be perhaps that she doesn't feel needed. However I lived in a completely different state from her for six or seven years and only saw her on holidays anyway. Now that we see each other often, she constantly wants to eat out - which I hate, and never wants to do anything. She has a busy work-week, and I understand that she is tired, however she does not cook, and will often skip meals herself. It's a vicious cycle.
My best friend said I may as well bite the bullet and let her see me on the scale, and that's the only way that portion of it all will end. Opinions?0 -
I go through the exact same thing EVERYDAY. It gets old and tiring. I just started to respond..."Thank you for your concern but I truly feel that you are not use to seeing me smaller ( I forbid myself to use the word thin or skinny). And my doctor is happy with my progress and he is not at all concerned. Hope it helps but it is extremely frustrating.....take it from someone who lives it as well.0
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I know!
Last night my daughter (10) and I were eating Ice Cream after a big pork carnita dinner says "I don't feel like what you're doing is healthy. You're forcing yourself not to eat."
I was like "After a huge plate of carnitas and Ice Cream? What the heck are you talking about?"
She's just repeating probably dad or step-mom, whoever's hatin' today.
Probably the step-mom, she's getting really fat and probably jealous.0 -
Sadly many of us mothers equate feeding children to loving them - not accepting our food means you don't love us. 3 suggestions:
1. if you can, occasionally cook her something as a gift - this is your opportunity to show her that healthy food can be tasty!
2. Change the subject - every time she mentions your weight or food change the subject. Do not engage about food.
3. As a final resort - tell her straight that it is hurtful; you are healthy and eating well and your doctor agrees so she needs to stop with the hassle. Mum's can act hurt when we're told off for interfering but we get over it.
A rider to all of this is - are you eating properly? ::laugh:0 -
What about "I really appreciate that you're concerned about my health and want me to be happy and healthy, but I promise I'm taking good care of myself and eating well"? With a sincere delivery, I think it's better than "this really isn't any of your business" with loved ones. Co-workers, acquaintances, etc? Go nuts telling them to buzz off. But I agree that with people you love, you should be a little gentler while still closing the door on too much debate about it.0
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To clarify, I've not just fixed my eating to lose weight, I work out, too.
There are a plethora of issues with our relationship, but it could be perhaps that she doesn't feel needed. However I lived in a completely different state from her for six or seven years and only saw her on holidays anyway. Now that we see each other often, she constantly wants to eat out - which I hate, and never wants to do anything. She has a busy work-week, and I understand that she is tired, however she does not cook, and will often skip meals herself. It's a vicious cycle.
My best friend said I may as well bite the bullet and let her see me on the scale, and that's the only way that portion of it all will end. Opinions?
I see no issue with stepping on the scale...unless you want to hide something...
I understand this I really do...my mom doesn't nitpick at me due to weight but other things...
I have since I was your age told her that the "discussions" she wanted to have that were not healthy for me or her were off limits...and I continue to tell her that everytime she brings this stuff up...it is called setting boundries and as an adult we are allowed to do that...even with our own mothers.
It will take a while for her to get it and you have to stick to it each and everytime...everytime...even when you are tired and want to just let her rant....
As for the wording it's simple..."Mom I appreciate your concern but I have spoken to my doctor and everything is great, I am healthy, fit and at a good weight. Now that your fears are alleviated lets not talk about it anymore as it just seems to upset you but I just want to assure you I am good." *Hand over Doctors note*
Make sure you have seen a doctor and have a note from them too...sounds a bit extreme but so does your mom....and by making it about her and her feelings she can't bring up attitude.
If she brings it up again you go back to Mom remember when I told you I saw the doctor...and bring out the doctors now again.0 -
I think you can say something like:
"Ok mom. Maybe you're right. Let's go with the doctor and get a health check-up.
But please come with me, so we both could ask the doctor if I'm doing something unhealthy..."
If you're doing something unhealthy, you will know. If she is doing it, she will know...0 -
Seriously... I wish this was reddit and could upvote all of your posts. I appreciate your replies so much.
Many of you have replied with changing the subject and not engaging in a conversation about food/eating. This seems like the most popular opinion and the best to start off with. Hopefully this wont be "it it's not A, it's B" with her, and we can put this to rest. Eventually.
I am eating properly. It has been an incredibly rough year (and it's only March... come on karma, kick in!), so I have laxed on my healthy habits as well as have skipped meals because it's really hard to force yourself to eat when you aren't hungry - but speak of the devil, my stomach and head know it's almost lunch time. However these comments were made to me all of last year as well.
Listen, guys, can we just figure out how to train my mom?
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I just troll them back. "Well, you know, nothing tastes as good as skinny feels! I'm gonna go get myself a fat-free water before my run, excuse me."0
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I change the subject.0
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I like that last response a lot (offer to both go for a check up), but if you want something simpler, why not either compare your BMIs or send her yours. Just enter your stats in one of theose BMI calculators, and print out the results which I am sure will say you are in the healthy range. From what you are saying, I am guessing hers will not be.0
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it it's not A, it's B
THIS! Every time I see my mom I'm either "fat like her" or "skinny."
I'm currently "skinny" at 185lb and a size 16.
Whatever mom.0 -
I definitely don't think you should agree to get out the scale and weigh yourself in front of her. This is giving someone else too much control.
Even if you aren't convinced her intentions are good, I would treat her as if her concern was geniune and say something like "I think I'm doing fine and feel well but I hear your concern and will discuss my work out, weight, eating habits etc. with my doctor (or other respected health authority) at my next visit and see if there is something different I should consider". If she asks to go with you remind her that you are an adult. Whatever you do don't point out her bad habits which will just worsen the situation. You may be right but I gather, from your comments, that this isn't about who is right and instead you want to maintain a mother/daughter relationship and your sanity at the same time! I know this isn't always a breeze and wish you well.0 -
I would suggest doing the research with your mom, so that she can see that you've looked into this and are doing it well. Show her on a BMI chart what a healthy range is supposed to be for your body. Give her assurance that if you ever go below what is supposed to be a healthy weight, she's more than welcome to be concerned.
Part of it too is probably that she doesn't realize how much is enough food. I have one friend who always asks "Is that really enough for you?" since I started losing weight. I'm still eating more than she is, but she expects it to take a lot more food to feed me than it really does.
I'm curious though as to why you seem resistant to letting her see the number on the scale, since you've already told her your weight? I get that it can be frustrating that she doesn't trust you, but if you want to get her to calm down, that seems to be the best way. Then invite her to join MFP when she sees you're not lying.0 -
If you let her see you on that scale, She's going to believe she has a right to demand that again later. That is the beginning of an unhealthy cycle.
Try this, it's a customer service technique. First, affirm and confirm "I can see why you are worried about me, I have lost a lot of weight and I understand that you are worried about me going to far and making myself sick."
Then Compromise and offer options, "I feel like our relationship is being weighed(heh) down by all these discussions about my weight. I'd like to let you know I'm healthy and get to spend time with you without it being constantly about my weight. Here is what I feel like I can do to help alleviate the stress on our relationship. How about I start tracking my weight in a diary and you can see it once a month to check on my weight? Or I can go see a doctor and have him give me a written definition of a healthy weight and what my weight actually is right now so we know I'm in a healthy place?"
Then whatever she says, repeat it back to her. "Okay, so we decided that I'm going to go see a doctor and have him look to see if I'm at a healthy weight. If he says I need to change something he'll write it all out and I'll bring it back and we can look at it together. Will that resolve the stress?"
When she says yes always end with a pleasant. "I'm so glad we could talk like this. I really enjoy being able to talk to you about my health and then move on to better topics."
I can tell you that 10+ years of customer service experience has taught me that this formula almost never fails. If it does fail it's because she doesn't actually want a resolution. If that's the case you may not have a choice but to shut down the topic entirely.0 -
"mom, you have raised a very intelligent and sensible daughter, I have done the necessary research and am completely confident in my plan" - sorta a compliment for the both of you and also states that you know what you are doing and she needs to buzz off a bit, hopefully that helps?
ETA: Don't show her the scale or give her more details about your plan, she needs to learn some boundaries, she has stated her concern but you are now and adult whom makes her own decisions0 -
My best friend said I may as well bite the bullet and let her see me on the scale, and that's the only way that portion of it all will end. Opinions?
No. It is none of her business, and it won't solve the problem, and it doesn't reinforce the fact that you are an adult.0 -
OP, honestly, do you look too skinny?
If you don't have 10-15 lbs of muscle, and you're down below 20% body fat, to a lot of people you may look too skinny.
I got down to 150 lbs, at 6'3", and 10% BF levels. I didn't have enough muscle, and people asked if I was on the crack diet. They told me to eat something, and they said I was too skinny. Looking back, they were right. I needed to add some muscle. Maybe you do too.0 -
And "Oooh, you've lost TOO MUCH weight!"
Besides "ignore the haters", what other ways can one deal with this in a civil manner? What (appropriate) responses are useful and effective?
The worst about this is actually my own mother (we won't get into THAT relationship), who accuses me all the time of starving myself and not eating. It does no use to tell her I am (heaven forbid she doesn't watch me eat three meals a day) and that I'm just making good decisions and eating appropriate portions. When I do this, she scoffs and rolls her eyes. A co-worker of my mother tells me, in a very concerned voice, every time she sees me that I have lost too much weight and need to stop. Most recently, my mom told me I was starving myself, asked how much I currently weigh (told her), didn't believe me, and told me she wanted to see how much the scale actually said. Within days she commented again that I was starving myself and that I STILL hadn't let her see on the scale what I weigh, as if I had something to hide.
They both are overweight and eat unhealthily, which I wish would change however I can't make that change for them. My mother constantly does quick diets and is one of those people who sheds weight easily, then gets back into her bad habits and gains it all back. I have had several people tell me that they (about my mother specifically) are most likely jealous of my success in losing weight and becoming healthy, but that doesn't help me respond to these rude things. It is hurtful, as silly as that may seem, and belittles all the physical, mental, and personal successes I have worked so hard to achieve.
Any constructive advice is very much appreciated.
I hear you-recently people have been saying the same thing to me. I just laugh and say you're used to me being a Fatty McFat Fat, and now I'm at the weight I was 6 years ago. Everyone asks me how I've done it, and I just say portion control-I've done it by the Fast Diet, and THAT would put them over the edge. But, I feel great and eat well and that's all that matters. Rock on and pay no mind the naysayers.0 -
I love how I'm totally getting work done today.
Over the last year I have gained quite a bit of muscle, which is probably why I honestly weigh more. I boulder (climb) usually 4 days a week (these guns? Come on... nice), and have taken up road cycling recently because I recognize that I need some cardio. My mom made mention at Christmas how muscley my thighs were and poked them through my jeans. That was actually a form of compliment.
Re: validation and letting her see the scale, I don't necessarily feel like I NEED to. Just like if I were to tell her "no" that I didn't want to do something, I shouldn't have to explain myself in depth.
Re: getting a doctor's note to give to her, wouldn't that be the same as letting her see the scale? It might invite her to consistently want updates and notes from the doctor. (Just my thoughts and wanting yours, I'm not trying to make excuses.)
Re: looking too skinny... maybe? I'm not sure. I know my face is much smaller than it was (I mean... look at my profile picture). I always have had dark circles under my eyes ever since I was little, so I could perhaps come across as gaunt? However my mom does often see me in my work out clothes and can see my entire body. As for others making comments about my body, they don't often get to see everything in... spandex or whatever.0
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