I hate myself...

melissa_dahmer
melissa_dahmer Posts: 29 Member
in Motivation and Support
I really do, and I always have. I don't want to feel like this anymore, but I don't know how to make these feelings go away. I find my body disgusting. I look at myself in the mirror countless times every day, and I'm usually horrified by what I see. I can see myself one way on any given day, and then the next day, I'll look in the mirror and just see this hideous, fat monster. Sometimes it doesn't even take that long for my brain to make the switch.

I think about not eating anymore, but I love food. In fact, I think I have severe issues with attaching emotion to food. I've wondered if I could ever pull off bulimia. I've made myself puke more than a few times after eating something that made me feel particularly guilty. But I just don't think I have that kind of commitment.

This is just a small sampling of the thoughts that go through my head, and I want it to end.

Replies

  • lolosensan
    lolosensan Posts: 251
    I talked to a therapist once or twice a month and it was the best thing I ever did for myself. If money is an issue, find someone who works on a sliding scale or see what you can get from insurance. You only get to be one person so you better ****in enjoy her. Good luck.
  • ovi212
    ovi212 Posts: 145 Member
    You sound very troubled. I've been there, message me if you want.
    I think you need to see the beauty you have :) Hold onto all the little things you like about yourself! You'll find a lot isn't physical. You really need to eat! And don't venture into bulimia it is a terrible disease and will take your life slowly and painfully. What is your regular diet and exercise routine like? Are you overweight or healthy? Maybe getting the emotional connection off food would be good. How about trying to eat a healthy diet that fuels you to do the activities you like? Pick up a hobby! I feel good when I make healthy choices and do a physical activity to get my heart pumping and endorphins running. It may also be a good idea to talk to a dr, councellor and nutritionist.
  • rmdaly
    rmdaly Posts: 250 Member
    I've been there and the self-loathing is just exhausting.

    Try to find someone to help you.

    Research mindful eating and self-contentment. Try yoga.

    Find the things that make you a little happy and concentrate on those.

    Good luck.
  • melissa_dahmer
    melissa_dahmer Posts: 29 Member
    You sound very troubled. I've been there, message me if you want.
    I think you need to see the beauty you have :) Hold onto all the little things you like about yourself! You'll find a lot isn't physical. You really need to eat! And don't venture into bulimia it is a terrible disease and will take your life slowly and painfully. What is your regular diet and exercise routine like? Are you overweight or healthy? Maybe getting the emotional connection off food would be good. How about trying to eat a healthy diet that fuels you to do the activities you like? Pick up a hobby! I feel good when I make healthy choices and do a physical activity to get my heart pumping and endorphins running. It may also be a good idea to talk to a dr, councellor and nutritionist.

    I'm healthy according to whatever scales and charts the ladies at the gym showed me after doing my measurements and whatnot, but it's like I can't see past the fat. When I'm good, I exercise 4-5 times a week and I do eat very well...that is until I drink. And lately, I've been doing a lot of that. I drink and everything goes out the window. Sugar and calories in the alcohol itself aside, I will go home and binge eat after drinking. The following days are when I feel the worst.
  • Dig_Deeper
    Dig_Deeper Posts: 30
    Well I must say that I am quite sad to see this :-(

    You're not an ugly woman and you are certainly not fat; where did you get that idea from? Could it be that perhaps(not certainly) that you could be a victim to "Media Hypnosis" and thinking that beauty is being "model" thin? Now there is nothing wrong with being naturally thin or healthily thin; however there is something very wrong with being so thin that you put your health at risk......by choice. I'm not saying this is what you are doing, but it may get there if you continue to see yourself this way. I know many people may think you're joking or doing this for attention, but I've lost two friends who were going through the same things so I believe...and truly hope you are being serious. PLEASE don't let what society deems as "beautiful" cause you to feel this way about yourself. Beauty comes in ALL shapes and ALL sizes, and as long as we are living healthy or trying our best to live healthy lives then THAT is what matters. You're not fat at all and there is nothing wrong with you...physically. Mentally however, I think you're beating yourself up far too much and this can be very dangerous to you in the end. I know it is easier said than done, but just live a healthy life and don't worry so much about what people think. I say this because many people who hate themselves usually do so because they don't fit into a certain category of acceptance. Just be who you are and accept that you are beautiful how you are. I know many beautiful skinny women, overweight women, obese women, and morbidly obese women who are absolutely gorgeous and doing what the can to live healthy lives! Don't let society make you hate yourself......please.
  • gypsy_spirit
    gypsy_spirit Posts: 2,107 Member
    You sound very troubled. I've been there, message me if you want.
    I think you need to see the beauty you have :) Hold onto all the little things you like about yourself! You'll find a lot isn't physical. You really need to eat! And don't venture into bulimia it is a terrible disease and will take your life slowly and painfully. What is your regular diet and exercise routine like? Are you overweight or healthy? Maybe getting the emotional connection off food would be good. How about trying to eat a healthy diet that fuels you to do the activities you like? Pick up a hobby! I feel good when I make healthy choices and do a physical activity to get my heart pumping and endorphins running. It may also be a good idea to talk to a dr, councellor and nutritionist.

    I'm healthy according to whatever scales and charts the ladies at the gym showed me after doing my measurements and whatnot, but it's like I can't see past the fat. When I'm good, I exercise 4-5 times a week and I do eat very well...that is until I drink. And lately, I've been doing a lot of that. I drink and everything goes out the window. Sugar and calories in the alcohol itself aside, I will go home and binge eat after drinking. The following days are when I feel the worst.

    I am so sorry that you feel this way about yourself. I'm sure it's very hard day to day and most probably why you are using alcohol and food to self medicate. Please, find a way to talk to a therapist. Your self image is critical to your happiness. No words from anyone else will make this better - your brain has to see things differently - and you deserve to be happy. :flowerforyou:
  • melissa_dahmer
    melissa_dahmer Posts: 29 Member
    Well I must say that I am quite sad to see this :-(

    You're not an ugly woman and you are certainly not fat; where did you get that idea from? Could it be that perhaps(not certainly) that you could be a victim to "Media Hypnosis" and thinking that beauty is being "model" thin? Now there is nothing wrong with being naturally thin or healthily thin; however there is something very wrong with being so thin that you put your health at risk......by choice. I'm not saying this is what you are doing, but it may get there if you continue to see yourself this way. I know many people may think you're joking or doing this for attention, but I've lost two friends who were going through the same things so I believe...and truly hope you are being serious. PLEASE don't let what society deems as "beautiful" cause you to feel this way about yourself. Beauty comes in ALL shapes and ALL sizes, and as long as we are living healthy or trying our best to live healthy lives then THAT is what matters. You're not fat at all and there is nothing wrong with you...physically. Mentally however, I think you're beating yourself up far too much and this can be very dangerous to you in the end. I know it is easier said than done, but just live a healthy life and don't worry so much about what people think. I say this because many people who hate themselves usually do so because they don't fit into a certain category of acceptance. Just be who you are and accept that you are beautiful how you are. I know many beautiful skinny women, overweight women, obese women, and morbidly obese women who are absolutely gorgeous and doing what the can to live healthy lives! Don't let society make you hate yourself......please.

    I'm sure a lot of it stems from emotional abuse from my father, as well as the fact that when I was 17, I weighed around 220 lbs. I have an immense fear of gaining that weight back, and have definitely yo-yo'ed a bit over the years (20 lbs or so). It's how I've always felt, though. And yeah, of course I compare myself to the "standard" beauty. Even though personally I consider all shapes and sizes of OTHER people beautiful, I can't say the same for myself.
  • melissa_dahmer
    melissa_dahmer Posts: 29 Member
    I am so sorry that you feel this way about yourself. I'm sure it's very hard day to day and most probably why you are using alcohol and food to self medicate. Please, find a way to talk to a therapist. Your self image is critical to your happiness. No words from anyone else will make this better - your brain has to see things differently - and you deserve to be happy. flowerforyou

    I know, this is very true. I am just so overwhelmed and needed to tell SOMEONE how I am feeling, even if it is a group of (very nice) strangers on the internet. I really want to seek help from a therapist. Aside from money, I don't know what's holding me back. It just seems frightening.
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  • melissa_dahmer
    melissa_dahmer Posts: 29 Member
    Nothing wrong with a little couch time. It can do everyone some good.

    You know how talking with nice people here is making you feel a little better? It'll be like that, but with a trained professional who can provide real help. And less cat gifs.

    That actually made me smile. Thanks. :)
  • Blacklance36
    Blacklance36 Posts: 755 Member
    I just creped your profile and I think you look fine! Sure you might want to lose a bit of weight but it appears that its not a lot from the pictures.

    I think part of it is your own self talk. It sounds like you have made a habit of speaking negatively to yourself.

    Try standing in front of the mirror and telling yourself that "I look good".

    Seriously, negative self talk can be habit forming. Positive talk is needed to improve our well being.

    You seem to be too hard on yourself.
  • melissa_dahmer
    melissa_dahmer Posts: 29 Member
    I just creped your profile and I think you look fine! Sure you might want to lose a bit of weight but it appears that its not a lot from the pictures.

    I think part of it is your own self talk. It sounds like you have made a habit of speaking negatively to yourself.

    Try standing in front of the mirror and telling yourself that "I look good".

    Seriously, negative self talk can be habit forming. Positive talk is needed to improve our well being.

    You seem to be too hard on yourself.

    I've tried (for a very short period of time) to do that, but I felt too silly.
  • kayduro
    kayduro Posts: 249 Member
    Melissa,
    Two books that helped me through my self loathing were "How We Love" by Kay and Milan Yerkovich and "Telling Yourself The Truth" by William Backus and Marie Chapian. The problems behind the negative self talk run deep and sometimes take a lifetime to work through. Don't waste another moment being unhappy and depressed. Go see a therapist. The hardest part is making the appointment and getting to your first session.
  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,228 Member
    I am so sorry that you feel this way about yourself. I'm sure it's very hard day to day and most probably why you are using alcohol and food to self medicate. Please, find a way to talk to a therapist. Your self image is critical to your happiness. No words from anyone else will make this better - your brain has to see things differently - and you deserve to be happy. flowerforyou

    I know, this is very true. I am just so overwhelmed and needed to tell SOMEONE how I am feeling, even if it is a group of (very nice) strangers on the internet. I really want to seek help from a therapist. Aside from money, I don't know what's holding me back. It just seems frightening.

    Nothing wrong with a little couch time. It can do everyone some good.

    You know how talking with nice people here is making you feel a little better? It'll be like that, but with a trained professional who can provide real help. And less cat gifs.

    I second this.

    http://blahtherapy.com/

    And cat gifs make people feel better too. At least they make me feel better.

    Funny-gif-cat-hugging-plush-toy.gif
  • maab_connor
    maab_connor Posts: 3,927 Member
    honestly, this is WHY therapy exists. we get stuck in bad choices or dangerous habits (and self loathing is a very dangerous habit) and we can't see the way out. we think it's just always going to be like this. and that's not how you want to live.

    this post tells me that you're ready to find someone to talk to. a trained professional who can suss out what's really going on and help you get to the root of the issue.

    we can all look at your pics and say "you look great!" and you can look at the stats that say you're fine. but you need help believing these things.

    find a therapist who specializes in BDD and depression, as well as suicidal ideation and eating disorders. interview them until you find one who you can click with. and then set up weekly meetings.

    you can come out of this darkness, you just need someone w/ a flashlight.
  • kayduro
    kayduro Posts: 249 Member
    I just creped your profile and I think you look fine! Sure you might want to lose a bit of weight but it appears that its not a lot from the pictures.

    Say Whaaaaat? Who's profile picture did you look at?
  • So_Much_Fab
    So_Much_Fab Posts: 1,146 Member
    As others have said, a little couch time can really help. Yes, it can be intimidating at first (been there, done that) but once you find someone good, it can actually be very therapeutic and you might find yourself looking forward to going. Best of luck to you, you seem like a lovely girl!

    And also...

    134_cutekitten_cat_gifs.gif
  • melissa_dahmer
    melissa_dahmer Posts: 29 Member
    Melissa,
    Two books that helped me through my self loathing were "How We Love" by Kay and Milan Yerkovich and "Telling Yourself The Truth" by William Backus and Marie Chapian. The problems behind the negative self talk run deep and sometimes take a lifetime to work through. Don't waste another moment being unhappy and depressed. Go see a therapist. The hardest part is making the appointment and getting to your first session.

    Thank you for the book recommendations. I've thought about reading some "self-help" books as a sort of first step towards therapy, but, again, just haven't. Making that appointment is DEFINITELY the most difficult part, though I really don't know why. =/
  • melissa_dahmer
    melissa_dahmer Posts: 29 Member
    I second this.

    http://blahtherapy.com/

    And cat gifs make people feel better too. At least they make me feel better.

    Wow, thanks. I've never heard of that website. And that gif is too. Flippin. Cute. :)
  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,228 Member
    I second this.

    http://blahtherapy.com/

    And cat gifs make people feel better too. At least they make me feel better.

    Wow, thanks. I've never heard of that website. And that gif is too. Flippin. Cute. :)

    You're welcome. Best of luck!
  • melissa_dahmer
    melissa_dahmer Posts: 29 Member
    Thanks, guys, for talking to me through this post. This being the internet and all, you could have torn me a new one for any number of reasons. Anyway, I do appreciate it. If anyone wants to add me, that'd be cool. I've been on this site on and off forever, but never really been myself in a social sense. It'd be nice to change that this time around.

    -Mel
  • Howdoyoufeeltoday
    Howdoyoufeeltoday Posts: 481 Member
    while I've never struggled with bulimia I know how it feels to struggle with food and loving the person you see in the mirror. Some days are great and I feel good and other days there isn't one thing I could say I like about myself. I know for me there's a rather dark place I go to from time to time where all I can focus on are the negative things about myself, and on those days it seems like everything is negative. Usually a good run and some one on one time with my guitar helps that but some days I really have to focus on all the progress I've made and how great I could be if I could just stop being so hard on myself and standing in my own way. It's easy to get sucked into the hateful feelings and eventually start to accept it as something that you'll always feel, but you can get better and feel good about yourself again. learn to love the parts of you no one else can see and then the outside will fall into place. Hope you can find a way to start to heal. :flowerforyou: you're not alone!

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