Am I a SELFISH person, need OPINIONS please!!!
liftsforchocolate
Posts: 273
So I've posted about my family on this site before in other threads, and their really screwed up attitudes towards body image and size, and the "unpleasant" comments I have gotten from them in the past. My parents think I was/am "fat" because I just ate unhealthy and was lazy. They still don't understand bulimia, binge eating, etc.
So now, that I'm no longer overweight, but still trying to tone up and lose some body fat (which I will follow up with some more muscle gain) by lifting weights and minimal cardio, mostly by eating right I want to really get out of my 2 steps forward, 1 step backward cycle. What I mean by this, is I feel like I am making progress, but it isn't as consistent as it was during the middle of my weight loss "journey".
When I started a couple months ago, I used whatever tools I had (dusty treadmill in the garage and old 5lb dumbbells, and a little calorie counter book I got in the mail for free) to lose weight, then eventually my mom forced me to sign up for the gym. She paid for it, and I know its a privilege but now my dad and sister also have memberships (they are both overweight, dad has been for 20 yrs, sister just recently) and I "have" to go with them. My mom is basically forcing me to go with them, but really I'm the one who "takes" them and I'm tired of it.
It's been about 2 months now this way (before I had later classes, so it wasn't so stressful) I'm the one who wakes up at 4am, eats/changes, then goes at 4:15 to wake them both up, goes BACK again at 4:25am to wake them up again or make sure they didn't fall back asleep, then pour their breakfast and water (b/c otherwise they take an extra 15 minutes), and do what feels like a billion other things. And on top of that, my dad likes to sit by the t.v., drink his coffee (half of which he wastes, leaves the cup in my car too if I tell him we need to leave) for 15 min. It's so stressful and complicated and I know it shouldn't be. I'm just so fed up with the pure CHAOS and done with it.
Going to the gym is my favorite part of the day. For the past 3 days (including today), I have not cared about them at all. I have not woken them up. I purposely slept around 9pm, woke up at 2:30-3am, had my protein bar and coffee and was out by 3:15, I ate in peace, worked out in peace (hit a lot of personal records finally), and had my post-workout meal. I saw them leave when I came back, they didn't really seem to care that I left w/o them, but my dad seemed a little surprised/unhappy. Am I selfish for doing this? I love my family, and obv want them to go to the gym too, but they just don't see it the way I do. My dad mostly hangs out with his gym buddies (in the sauna and pool) and my sister has just always been negative towards me. I on the other hand, must have my pre work out meal, warm up, 10 min cardio, free weights, some machines, maybe more cardio, post workout meal)
Again, I have told them many times they need to leave at ___ time and do ____ etc, but they're ALWAYS late and I always have to remind them a million times. If I do this one thing for myself to reach my goal, and eventually get ready to bulk for a competition (something I really really want to do), does it make me a bad person, cruel in a way?
Thank you
***I am really 20 btw
So now, that I'm no longer overweight, but still trying to tone up and lose some body fat (which I will follow up with some more muscle gain) by lifting weights and minimal cardio, mostly by eating right I want to really get out of my 2 steps forward, 1 step backward cycle. What I mean by this, is I feel like I am making progress, but it isn't as consistent as it was during the middle of my weight loss "journey".
When I started a couple months ago, I used whatever tools I had (dusty treadmill in the garage and old 5lb dumbbells, and a little calorie counter book I got in the mail for free) to lose weight, then eventually my mom forced me to sign up for the gym. She paid for it, and I know its a privilege but now my dad and sister also have memberships (they are both overweight, dad has been for 20 yrs, sister just recently) and I "have" to go with them. My mom is basically forcing me to go with them, but really I'm the one who "takes" them and I'm tired of it.
It's been about 2 months now this way (before I had later classes, so it wasn't so stressful) I'm the one who wakes up at 4am, eats/changes, then goes at 4:15 to wake them both up, goes BACK again at 4:25am to wake them up again or make sure they didn't fall back asleep, then pour their breakfast and water (b/c otherwise they take an extra 15 minutes), and do what feels like a billion other things. And on top of that, my dad likes to sit by the t.v., drink his coffee (half of which he wastes, leaves the cup in my car too if I tell him we need to leave) for 15 min. It's so stressful and complicated and I know it shouldn't be. I'm just so fed up with the pure CHAOS and done with it.
Going to the gym is my favorite part of the day. For the past 3 days (including today), I have not cared about them at all. I have not woken them up. I purposely slept around 9pm, woke up at 2:30-3am, had my protein bar and coffee and was out by 3:15, I ate in peace, worked out in peace (hit a lot of personal records finally), and had my post-workout meal. I saw them leave when I came back, they didn't really seem to care that I left w/o them, but my dad seemed a little surprised/unhappy. Am I selfish for doing this? I love my family, and obv want them to go to the gym too, but they just don't see it the way I do. My dad mostly hangs out with his gym buddies (in the sauna and pool) and my sister has just always been negative towards me. I on the other hand, must have my pre work out meal, warm up, 10 min cardio, free weights, some machines, maybe more cardio, post workout meal)
Again, I have told them many times they need to leave at ___ time and do ____ etc, but they're ALWAYS late and I always have to remind them a million times. If I do this one thing for myself to reach my goal, and eventually get ready to bulk for a competition (something I really really want to do), does it make me a bad person, cruel in a way?
Thank you
***I am really 20 btw
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Replies
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If they wanted to get up they would, don't worry about it.0
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I don't think that you are being selfish...honestly if anything your family is being selfish by seemingly trying to hold you back. Just my opinion.0
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Nope.0
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No not at all. They're adults and capable of making their own decisions and plans and if those don't coincide with yours, then it's not unreasonable to do something separate. It may be worth explaining this as tactfully as you can (particularly to your parents), but they'll adjust either way.
Oh and by the way - if I was getting up that early to work out - I wouldn't want to be around anyone else anyway :yawn:0 -
Thanks guys
Also 95% of the time on my rest days (every wednesday), they don't wake up. It's always b/c of me forcing them to go, they actually go (but claim they wake up themselves and love to workout)
Haha @cheeky, I'm a morning person 0 -
They are adults, you are not their mommy, I have less trouble then this getting my kids ready for school. Getting them moving is not your responsibility, you were nice enough to try and support them and in return they made it harder for you to take care of yourself
Putting yourself first does not make you selfish. Encourage them and leave it at that. Put some coffee on for your dad before you leave and when you see them going to or returning from the gym say good for you. Do what you need to do to get right with yourself, and nevermind them.0 -
when it comes to your body and your health...sometimes we need to be "selfish".
i commend you for putting so much effort into your family and trying to get them on board the health train. however, as you and i both know, your dad and sister have to want to do it. if they aren't motivated to eat better and exercise, you are going to have to begrudingly force them day after day after day and probably end up resenting them as well as them resenting you.
i understand being a daughter who loves her daddy and wants what's best for him.
what you've done so far is probably more than what most people would consider doing in reality.
you're mom probably wants you to be the one in charge because she can see you're awesome results and how motivated you are.
there is nothing wrong with focusing on yourself when it comes to your health. don't let others bring you down verbally, mentally, physically, in any way.
when it comes down to it, how can you lose weight? by YOU getting up and doing x, y, z just like you are.
have a heart to heart with dad and your sister. let them know 1) what it takes to lose weight, 2) that they need to want it badly for themselves not for others, and 3) that you love them and you'll support them by taking them to the gym with you and helping them along, but they have to meet you half way by getting up on time, etc.
love is super important to me and it's the only motivation that works for me.
don't be too hard on yourself girl, you look great and i wish you the best.0 -
Not selfish.
It sounds like it's time to leave the family nest though. If you are in a position to do so, please consider it. I would lose my mind if I had to live with my parents.0 -
I wouldn't worry about it. If they wanted to go, they would've woken up and went. So don't make a big deal out of something that isn't one. You said they didn't seem Bothered about you not waking them, so leave it alone and continue todo what works for you. If they have an issue, I'm sure they'll speak up and let you know. Otherwise, just keep on going and you'll be fine.0
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My opinion?
Tell them both that you're leaving for the gym at 4:45 or whatever time you're ready to leave and actually leave at that time. They will either be ready to go or not.
If they are, then they go with you. If they're not, then leave without them.
After a few days of this, they will get the hint.
You are not their parents. They are not your responsibility.
You do not need to 'make their breakfast'. You do not need to 'wake them up'.
All you are doing is making it easier for them to not have to take responsibility for their own actions.
The only person you are responsible for is you.0 -
I think if you've posted about this before and most likely gotten similar responses that this post is attention-grabby.
It's obvious that you aren't selfish. You're an adult. They're adults. Your life can be separate from theirs, and will be in the future I'm sure. You do you and let them do them.0 -
Why are you stressing over 2 grown people? If they want to go they will pull themselves together and do it. Don't let other people side track you from your path.If they give you grief just say, "I am up and ready at xxam, I leave at xxam so if you want to join me be ready to rock by xxam." What they do when they get to the gym is up to them. You do you!0
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I agree with vjohn04.0
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You are 26 years old. Move out.0
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Time to fly, little birdie, time to fly0
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It sounds like it's time to leave the family nest though.
QFT
Get out of there.0 -
You are 26 years old. Move out.
+10 -
Make your breakfast and go to the gym.
When they get up they can make their own breakfasts and go if they want.
Spend that extra energy toward your workout instead.
Edit: didn't realize you were an adult. Okay what I wrote x100 then.0 -
I apologize in advance as I haven't read your previous posts on this topic -- but why in the world is your family SO involved in your body/eating habits??0
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You are 26 years old. Move out.
I should have just "+1"
Will never understand post-college adults living alongside family forever. Never.0 -
Sounds to me, from what you've written, that you are living in a very unhealthy household. It seems to me that there are some mental and emotional issues going on that are NOT good for you, and probably have been going on for a while. You definitely would be better off getting the H*** out of that house. I sure hope you have the financial means to do so. No matter if you have to end up living in a one room studio, it would do so much for your self esteem to be on your own, your own time frame and get your head on straight. Good luck sunshine. You desperately need to be able to breathe freely and not be under anybody's thumb anymore.0
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First, congratulations on your dedication and discipline in taking care of your health. It is not only not selfish to do so but it is wrong to not do so. We only have one body and one lifetime so we must do the best we can to take care of our health.
Second, it is very nice of you to be supportive and helpful to your family but it is not a requirement. They are adults and responsible for themselves.
Third, be careful about getting to intertwined in their workout/eating habits or weight loss progress as you are finding out this is fraught with danger. These are individual and personal choices and progress and people will begin to look for scapegoats or excuses for not doing what they should be doing or making the progress they would like. You will become their target and excuse. It will cause a lot stress on relationships. I am speaking from personal experience.
Take care and once again congratulations.0 -
You are 26 years old. Move out.
+1
+40000 -
Not selfish at all! You are not the one who should be responsible for their lives/health, nor should you be the one busting your butt to do tasks your completely-able dad can do perfectly on his own. Don't ruin the thing you love by having negativity added to it.0
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What a sweetheart you are to care so much for your family's wellbeing but really, I think that the time has come for you to put yourself first. No one is going to get healthy for you and you cannot get healthy for anyone else. It is all our own, individual responsibility to care for ourselves.
Only you can decide whether you're prepared to continue your routine or if you think it's time to move out, but these may be things to start thinking about. It's very kind of your family to pay for your gym membership but as you said previously, you were doing well without it.
Good luck in resolving the situation x0 -
You are 26 years old. Move out.
+1
+4000
That's a good solution in theory, but sometimes it's not an option. Depending on where OP lives, apartments/housing can be EXTREMELY expensive. This combined with other things (she may be in university. have health issues, etc) can prevent somebody from being able to pick up and leave.0 -
I wish you would be my sister :flowerforyou:0
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I don't think you are being selfish. I commend you for taking a role to help motivate your family, but they are responsible for themselves.0
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You are 26 years old. Move out.
+1
+1 more
x1000 -
******* I'm actually 20.
I've fixed it before on my profile, but I guess it didn't change? I was in a hurry when I made my profile and prob just typed in a random year, sorry. Also, from the family I come from its not normal to "move out" before I'm married and done with studies. I might move out after college and working on my masters (obv) but right now its really not an option though I could go against them (and the rest of my enormous family (which includes all my aunts/uncles/"grandparents" /cousins/millions of family friends) if I really wanted to.
Thank you so much, to everyone who responded. I really wasn't feeling great and was confused about what I should do, how to act.
You're right about my family/household being really unhealthy. It's been a struggle since I was 12 years old as a result of all the criticism (started counting calories in middle school) when I was probably 117 pounds, no joke. It just really doesn't matter how much I try to explain what's go on, I just get labeled as disordered, obsessed, crazy, fat, lazy, etc.
I don't get much support from them, more like sabotage. So I appreciate the help I get on this site and from you guys. I have more to say but gtg at the moment.0
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