Not fitness related but someone may relate....

fitness_faeiry
fitness_faeiry Posts: 354 Member
in Motivation and Support
My partner's reclusive lifestyle has started to really bother me, even though it's been like this for years.weve been together for 7 years, and in the beginning he had a couple of friends (mainly from work) that he would see socially, although he was never the type who would go out a lot, just occasionally. Then he kind of lost touch with those friends when we moved, well chose to not stay in touch with them (ignoring phone calls and avoiding contact). Gradually over the years he has lost ties with anyone else apart from his own family - mother and sister, as he doesn't get on with his father.
I have accepted this as part of him, but inside I have wished that he actually WENT OUT socially to spend time with people other than me. We have just recently moved to a new town, as he was having trouble finding work where we lived before (he doesn't drive so has the problem of having to find somewhere that is within walking/cycle distance). So we moved to a new county that has more job opportunities nearby. It means I have a slightly longer journey to work but I didn't mind moving as I hoped it would be a more positive change for him (he was becoming depressed I think due to frustration) - He hasn't been in full-time employment for over 2 years - but chose to work as a freelancer (at home) which was ok financially but having been a freelancer myself, sometimes you need to be mobile to be able to work in-house at companies. .. you have to go where the jobs are. They're not all going to just fall in your lap. However the freelance work slowed down for him and he knew he needed a steady income that a full time job offers. We've been in our new place for over 3 weeks now and I haven't asked him what his plans are work-wise, as I don't want to sound like a nag.... I think that being at home every day for over 2 years has made him nervous about going back to employment? I am not joking when I say he doesn't go out... or has no need to go out. Since moving into our new place I have been out to three different gyms, as I enjoy fitness in my spare time - he, on the other hand has no interest in joining any clubs/gyms or going anywhere like that.
I know this doesn't make him a bad person in any way, but I can't help but think that his life could be improved. My friends think it puts pressure on me, as I'm the only person he interacts with really.
And I sometimes feel guilty if I go away for weekends to visit friends etc, as know that I have just left him at home (he used to moan about it, but not so bad now)
Perhaps a job would initiate a new lease of life...

Replies

  • TLondon24
    TLondon24 Posts: 4 Member
    It sounds like he may need to talk to somebody, that perhaps he has social anxiety, depression or a combination of the two - which is only going to be exacerbated by no work to distract him. Your friends are right, it is a lot of pressure on your shoulders. Are you close to his mother or sister to discuss with them?
  • cholepapi
    cholepapi Posts: 79
    Yup that totally sounds like he's dressed about something and has withdrawn from the world. He might and might not know what's bothering him. You have to be straight forward with him if you want to help him. Ask him if he's happy? What's bothering him? Etc.....provide support for his issue and try to get help. :D
  • aalbert_82
    aalbert_82 Posts: 95 Member
    And if he doesn't want to get help/change his situation, you can change by looking after yourself. Don't compromise on what you need/want ie. fitness, weekends away because you feel bad for him. That will only leave him stuck and you feeling resentful. Don't take too much responsibility for him. Also don't try to fix him. Let him fix himself. It sounds like you put time and energy into your relationship but you also need outside interaction/activities. This is healthy and normal. If he needs more interaction with others he will need to work on that and not depend so much on you. If you keep looking after yourself the consequence for him is that he'll have to A. do something different or B. stay miserable. If he's miserable enough and you aren't there to make it all better for him he will ultimately be motivated to change, don't you think?
  • neandermagnon
    neandermagnon Posts: 7,436 Member
    It sounds like he may need to talk to somebody, that perhaps he has social anxiety, depression or a combination of the two - which is only going to be exacerbated by no work to distract him. Your friends are right, it is a lot of pressure on your shoulders. Are you close to his mother or sister to discuss with them?

    ^^^ I was going to suggest this.

    Maybe a doctor can advise.
  • wanttolose40lbs
    wanttolose40lbs Posts: 239 Member
    I think it might be time for some tough love, since the situation is starting to bother you. Tell him either he goes out and finds a job or you're done, and mean it.
  • happydaze71
    happydaze71 Posts: 339 Member
    Depression is very tough on everyone.
    And at the same time, you end up feeling guilty because you need a life!
    Don't feel guilty.
    You can't fall in a heap because he has. He needs to make some tough decisions about employment and where he's heading in life.
    It's not easy.
  • valente347
    valente347 Posts: 201 Member
    He sounds depressed or burdened with anxiety (or both...). I cut off ties from friends and didn't leave the house when I was really depressed for a complex set of reasons. You should suggest that you noticed he's not himself at all and that he should find a good doctor/psychologist to help him. Then be prepared for a few (or many) months of trying different things/doctors/remedies before something starts to work.

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