Why don't you want me to take Kickboxing?????
Saucy_lil_Minx
Posts: 3,302 Member
I am having a problem lately with my Hubby, and I feel like I am being reasonable about it. However, an outside view is sometimes needed, and that is what I am hoping to get........ I have been doing Cage Classes, and Kickboxing classes for the last couple of months. My husband is NOT happy with me doing this, even though I am loving them! When I first told him I would like to find a class he became very angry, asking why do I want to do kickboxing so bad? I explained I have always wanted try it, and I now feel I am at a place where I can do that. He was adamant that I don't need to waste my time with that *kitten*, and that I am going through a mid-life crisis with all this exercise CRAP, and he loves me the way I am. I asked him to give me a logical reason why I should not try something I want to? He could not give me an answer. I then asked why he was not being supportive of me trying something new? The response I got was I am doing enough already with going to the gym, and that he is getting tired of this "phase" I am going through. I ask him why he thinks this is a "phase", because I have been working to get healthier for over a year, and a half. He then said that I am too focus on what I want, and that it is always about me. I asked him if my schedule is stopping him from doing something he wants to try, because I would gladly move my schedule around to accommodate, but that he has never said that he wants do something (even though I have suggest he join, a sport, or league.) He then ran out of arguments, and said fine do whatever you want you are going to anyway. Now every time I go to a class, or ask his work schedule so that I know when I can go to class he seems to get upset, and rude with me. I am getting very tired, and losing my patience with him. I am starting to feel suffocated by the behavior. I have suggested several solutions, but ultimately see nothing wrong with me doing what I am doing. I am really enjoying the classes, and GOD the stress relief I feel for getting to ground, and pound the bag is wonderful, but I feel like it is causing a real, true strain on my marriage. I love him very much, and have know he has always been clingy, and very jealous of anything that takes me away from him, but this is just getting ridiculous. I have to be able to still be me right? I do not want to feel like I am doing something wrong every time I want to try a new activity, or have to have an argument as to why I can or can not do something, as long as I can make it fit our budget, and our schedule. When is enough, enough of the attitude that I am trying to tolerate, or ignore? I have even asked him to go to a counselor thinking there is a communication issue that I am over looking. Maybe, he doesn't even know why he feels this way, or does not know how to express it to me. Can someone provide me with other options on how to handle this?
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Well just my opinion but maybe he is getting scared. Men can get insecure when their partners start losing weight and gaining independence. Maybe he could do it with you, or you could find something else as well with him! tell him that you are losing weigh for health so that you will be around longer to live a healthy life with him.
Good luck.0 -
Not knowing either of you and going solely by your post, I'd say it's insecurity and fear.
Insecurity and fear that you'll become too fit for him and want someone else.
Insecurity about what prompted you to want to make lifestyle changes. Fear that he might be one of the things you were unhappy with.
I can well understand your frustration, but getting angry might just fuel the insecurity and fear (if that's what it is). Try to be patient but firm. Let him know that you love him but you need to do this for you, even if he can't understand it.0 -
Perhaps he's jealous of you and the time you spend on the classes instead of him. No man is going to fess up to that. He sounds like he also is comfortable in the way you were before and doesn't know how to accept the change you are making. Many go through this phase in families and friends when a person changes. It's like they need to adjust to the change.0
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He's afraid you are going to leave him behind.
As for kickboxing, I take a kickboxing class and I love it. It is one thing that can make a bad day better. By time I am through beating on that bag I'm not mad at anything anymore.
Added during edit: you might want to deal with this by evaluating your relationship with this person.0 -
I am having a problem lately with my Hubby, and I feel like I am being reasonable about it. However, an outside view is sometimes needed, and that is what I am hoping to get........ I have been doing Cage Classes, and Kickboxing classes for the last couple of months. My husband is NOT happy with me doing this, even though I am loving them! When I first told him I would like to find a class he became very angry, asking why do I want to do kickboxing so bad? I explained I have always wanted try it, and I now feel I am at a place where I can do that. He was adamant that I don't need to waste my time with that *kitten*, and that I am going through a mid-life crisis with all this exercise CRAP, and he loves me the way I am. I asked him to give me a logical reason why I should not try something I want to? He could not give me an answer. I then asked why he was not being supportive of me trying something new? The response I got was I am doing enough already with going to the gym, and that he is getting tired of this "phase" I am going through. I ask him why he thinks this is a "phase", because I have been working to get healthier for over a year, and a half. He then said that I am too focus on what I want, and that it is always about me. I asked him if my schedule is stopping him from doing something he wants to try, because I would gladly move my schedule around to accommodate, but that he has never said that he wants do something (even though I have suggest he join, a sport, or league.) He then ran out of arguments, and said fine do whatever you want you are going to anyway. Now every time I go to a class, or ask his work schedule so that I know when I can go to class he seems to get upset, and rude with me. I am getting very tired, and losing my patience with him. I am starting to feel suffocated by the behavior. I have suggested several solutions, but ultimately see nothing wrong with me doing what I am doing. I am really enjoying the classes, and GOD the stress relief I feel for getting to ground, and pound the bag is wonderful, but I feel like it is causing a real, true strain on my marriage. I love him very much, and have know he has always been clingy, and very jealous of anything that takes me away from him, but this is just getting ridiculous. I have to be able to still be me right? I do not want to feel like I am doing something wrong every time I want to try a new activity, or have to have an argument as to why I can or can not do something, as long as I can make it fit our budget, and our schedule. When is enough, enough of the attitude that I am trying to tolerate, or ignore? I have even asked him to go to a counselor thinking there is a communication issue that I am over looking. Maybe, he doesn't even know why he feels this way, or does not know how to express it to me. Can someone provide me with other options on how to handle this?
This is all about him. Sadly, there is nothing you can do about how HE feels about himself. He's being co-dependent and he's projecting and making you out to be the bad guy. Aside from therapy or telling him exactly what you think, I don't see any resolution that doesn't come from HIM making the choice to to being a baby. Does he drink? Is he out of shape? Do you look bettter than he does? Are there kids involved? It could be so many things.
I know you love him but maybe you need to tell him (If you actually think this way) that it's putting a strain on your marriage. Now, he may be silly and say "Oh are you already looking at someone else (It's happened! Trust me)."0 -
I'm going to go out on a limb and say the issue isn't really about the exercising or the classes and suggest counseling might be in order so you two can sit down with an objective third party and get to what's really bothering him.
Are you gone too much and he misses you? Is he worried you're going to leave him?
Try asking different questions and see if you get a better response that you can work with.0 -
You sound just like a friend of mine who is having similar issues with her husband. He won't talk to her and tell her what is wrong and she has just given up on him and her marriage. It is more complicated than that, but she is done and can't try because he refuses to talk to her.
You already asked him what his deal was. He is having a hard time articulating what is wrong. He is worried you will get all fit and trim and leave him. He probably knows that he needs to change but is afraid of doing so, so he lashes out at you hoping you will give in. If you did that, then you would end up miserable. I don't think he doesn't want you to do it, he is just afraid. You could go to therapy and see if maybe he will open up there.0 -
Lots of good answers. Are you missing routine activities that you used to do? Maybe he liked watching some tv show or something with you, but he's not very good at expressing himself. Maybe he thinks something so mundane might not be a good enough reason, so he's attacking the general concept.0
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He sounds very insecure and like he thinks he's going to lose you. I agree. Counseling might be a very good idea. *HUGS*0
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, and GOD the stress relief I feel for getting to ground, and pound the bag is wonderful,
Did you explain this part to him? It may help him understand better. My husband started getting a bit jealous and a bit needy as I started taking classes and losing. A big part of the exercise is stress release for me and he has seen the change in my stress levels.0 -
You are getting fitter and better looking presumably....and now you are spending lots of time surrounded by gigantic/hot men (in his mind). Insecurity galore. That's my guess.0
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You are much more patient than me.0
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Is he used to being first, and him being your priority? He sounds like a ticked of child who isn't the centre of attention any more.0
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In my opinion he is either - best case scenario - experiencing some insecurities like if you are changing your lifestyle you may want to find someone else to share that lifestyle with or maybe he feels if you don't need him anymore because you are more independant or more secure with yourself then that automatically means you won't want to be with him. If this is the case maybe have an open discussion about it or push for counseling.
Worse case? I found out a couple of years into my marriage just how controling my ex-husband was. I didn't know previously because I lived my life around his decisions and never thought anything of it. It wasn't until I tried doing some things for myself, like have my own friends away from him or go out once a week that I really saw that he didn't want me to do anything or have anything of my own. Even when he was out with his friends he always wanted me home where he knew where I was. I feel this kind of relationship is unhealthy and unfortunately it was not something we could work through because with all the solutions I came up with the only thing he wanted to do to "fix" it was go back to how it was with me home and no friends and no life.
I really hope that you can find a way to reconcile these differences. Neither of you should have to feel like you are sacrificing happiness for the other's sake. Good luck.0 -
Is he the jealous type? Doesn't like you being around other men at the gym? Sounds like jealousy and insecurity to me.0
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Tell him to man up and then roundhouse him in the face.
That'll learn him.....
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Invite him to come with you. Or could you try to go to class at a time when he's out of the house and won't miss you? Or arrange something for him to do at the same time so he's occupied? A man-sitter, maybe?
(Yes I realize how ridiculous and pampering that sounds, but it looks to me like you already know your husband is prone to childish jealousy and clinginess, so perhaps treating him like a child might sooth his butthurt)0 -
I am sure it is insecurity on his behalf, and like I said I have suggested counseling, because I can see that in him. However, he refuses to go, or even consider that as an option. I make sure to spend time with him daily, and ask him ALL the time to workout with me. I am a super independent person, but do try to understand that he is not, and the he needs to be with me MOST of the time. I absolutely believe that you are still an individual in you marriage, and have a right to grow, and change who you are as a person. I also know marriage does not JUST HAPPEN. It is a job, and I stand by his side with ALL he has, and does go through. I have NEVER told him he can not try something, or can not go somewhere (unless it does not fit the budget ), On the rare occasions he wants to, I find a way to make it happen. I really just want to get to a place where I can feel free to go to my class without adding the stress of an argument, or attitude every time I do.0
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Is he out of shape himself? Could he be feeling like your 'showing him up' by doing really well at your new lifestyle, but is unwilling to change his own and is taking it out on you?
That's something I admit to doing in the past - being nasty and dismissive about a friend's diet because she was doing so well and I felt like I was 'failing' because I wasn't even trying
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I think he feels he is missing out on your attention and may also be worried about you spending time with 'fit' guys. If you value your relationship you will need to be patient and make time to do something with him - even if it's just relax with him. Is he having to eat on his own a lot of the time - I went through a period of that with my hubby, he felt that he was essentially living on his own because I had other non work commitments. You need to make him understand that you need and enjoy keeping fit and active and will keep up your activities but would also like to do something (active) with him and make sure you make plenty of time for you both as a couple.0
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I don't know, honey. I guess at some point you just have to say, "I need this and you have to understand and accept that," and end the discussion. Don't argue with him. Let him vent and don't react.
Things in my relationship (different issues) got to the point where I was ready to walk away and he knew it before it got better. And as bad as it was, it was worth how good it is now. Some things can't be compromised, I think. It sometimes comes down to whether you can both be content. I don't think it's OK for one person to be miserable and give in 100% to the other. That is a slave, not a husband or wife.
He may just need a serious wakeup call.0 -
I really hope that you can find a way to reconcile these differences. Neither of you should have to feel like you are sacrificing happiness for the other's sake. Good luck.
Some degree of sacrifice is necessary in every marriage. I'd be perfectly happy sitting at home playing video games all day then hanging out with my friends every night, but obviously that's not an option.
Not saying OP is out of line of course, but when you're married there are more important things than overarching happiness at all costs.0 -
Tough one, but explain to him that the working out makes you happy and you really enjoy doing the classes. You are willing to compromise and fit it in when it's convenient, that says a lot. You are not being selfish and you are considering him when you make your own schedule. Also explain to him that he might be happier if he also found ways to fill his spare time. There are things you could do together. Drag him to one of your classes or gym sessions and encourage him to talk with a trainer about setting up a program. You don't have to work out "together" but you could be at the gym at the same time and meet at the end and talk about how great you feel over dinner or a cup of coffee. He must be enjoying the benefits of your improved physical stamina and physique 0
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Insecurities.... *Smh..... Its a MFer... I have been there with past relationships... meaning my GF thought I was "too much into me" kind of thing. Well news flash babe.... I was like this before you, I will be like this during you, and I will be like this after you. It is not like training is a part time job. It is 1-1.5hrs 3-4 days a week. Most people are on their a** far longer then that and I am doing something that betters my quality of life. So it is either you are on board, get with the program and deal with it or there is the door... dont let it hit you in the a** OTW out.0
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Lots of good answers. Are you missing routine activities that you used to do? Maybe he liked watching some tv show or something with you, but he's not very good at expressing himself. Maybe he thinks something so mundane might not be a good enough reason, so he's attacking the general concept.
Well I have always been one to need "Me time", but we do have activities we do together. We always take a four mile walk on Sundays together (just him, and I). He loves TV, and Movies (really the only thing he shows interest in). I am a book reader, and prefer to be out of the house, but I try to at least get an hour of some TV time with him nightly after our son goes to bed. We always have Family time with our son. I try to encourage him to do other activities with me, but it is like pulling teeth... I am actually surprised I get him to do our Sunday walk around the lake! Sometime I feel like he wants me to be available to do what he wants at his beck, and call. I am SOOO NOT that girl, and never have been. He has said a couple of time to me, "We're married we should do everything together" I have tried telling him "I plan on being with you for the next 50 years of my life every waking second is not going to be us attached, at the hip. I have told him it is OK to want to go hang with his buddies, that it is OK to still be who he was before we said "I DO". That I trust him, and do not need to know EVERYTHING, or be EVERYWHERE with him. I just afraid after 10 years of marriage he is just not getting any better with these problems...actually he is getting worse......0 -
I will be 100% straight-up with you......
You deserve better.
You deserve health, freedom, support, and encouragement to be yourself.
You deserve real love, not someone trying to suppress or control you due to their own emotional issues. He needs to stop projecting and running from his problems. You're doing great - keep up your interests and passions and fitness, and hopefully you will find the courage to walk away and never look back.
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If he's a clingy person in general, maybe the key is involving him. Maybe there's class/activity that you both can enjoy together. For me and my bf, we go kayaking and play tennis together, that way he feels involved in that aspect of my life too. Maybe instead of one of your normal workouts you two can go for a hike or go to the gym together so he doesn't feel like the quest to be fit and healthy is in part to get away from him.0
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, and GOD the stress relief I feel for getting to ground, and pound the bag is wonderful,
Did you explain this part to him? It may help him understand better. My husband started getting a bit jealous and a bit needy as I started taking classes and losing. A big part of the exercise is stress release for me and he has seen the change in my stress levels.
Yes he is VERY aware! I am a finance manager for "High Risk" loans, and started to have bad anxiety issues, because of job stress he knows that my exercise is essential to keeping me sane, and keeps me level-headed at home. I leave my stress at the gym, and the gym is my escape form home stress, and work stress. I could not picture me not having that time. I tell him that ALL the time. I am extremely vocal, and outspoken. I have no problem telling someone exactly what I am thinking. He has told me woman don't always tell you how they really feel. I tell him I am not that woman, and never have been. When I tell you something I mean it word for word. I tell him that he is the one who does not always express his true feelings, that a lot of time it comes out as anger, and that it takes him 2 or 3 arguments before I really know what is bugging him. I try to understand that, mostly because we have to very different backgrounds. He had a very hard life growing up, and I know he has self-esteem issues (things I have never had). I try to be understanding that he does not always articulate his feeling well, but sometime I am just lost, because I have never been where he has. I try to tell him to take me at face value. It sounds silly, but i can tell him the sky is blue, and the day is beautiful..... I swear he hears, We are under attack, and it is his fault it's happening. I am sure that comes from his background, but I can not for the life of me see where he gets that conclusion from??????????0 -
You are much more patient than me.
Truth, I would have been gone. I digress, it seems he's jealous and insecure. If you really love him and think he's worth sticking around for then counseling is the best option in my opinion.0 -
I will be 100% straight-up with you......
You deserve better.
You deserve health, freedom, support, and encouragement to be yourself.
You deserve real love, not someone trying to suppress or control you due to their own emotional issues. He needs to stop projecting and running from his problems. You're doing great - keep up your interests and passions and fitness, and hopefully you will find the courage to walk away and never look back.
^^^^^^ THIS^^^^^^ HUGS!0
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