Another Failure

I am back for the first time in a few months. I wish I had a success story to share but I don't. I have failed. I ended up losing about 20 pounds since I stopped on here but have since gained it all back because of falling back into bad habits. I have learned more about myself in these past few months though. I know now that I do not have the willpower to only have a treat once in awhile. I know that I must give up all sweets and eating out or else it becomes habit again. I cannot make excuses that it's a birthday party or I'm on vacation or the awful "only this one time." I know that I cannot withstand the temptation. I know I feel better when I have no sweets and I only eat what I cook at home.

I know that when I was losing this past 20 lbs that I felt awesome, eating strictly vegan with no sweets. That was within one month that I lost, then I allowed myself to start having treats again...and I screwed up. Now I am back at square one, and I will not say I am determined this time because I have every time I have started. I love food. I hate trying to carve out time for exercise yet I HATE working at a desk all day. I have a garden planted and plan to work in it a lot. I hope to go for walks on occasion. I hope to stick to eating at home without processed foods or sweets. I am looking for motivation today to wake me up to the fact that I need to live like that forever, and not stay victim to the recliner and sugar. I cannot look at it as a diet. I cannot look at it as temporary, but as a lifestyle that I WANT to live. If I do not, I will fail again.

Each failure is more miserable than the last. I have tried attaching rewards to my goals but everything has failed with me because it became impossible to have the reward anyways. I want my reward to be health. I want to be able to bend and lift and not have to worry about my back going out. I want to working in the garden without getting cramps in my legs and feet so that I have to stand and walk every five minutes. I don't want to have to worry about having a stroke or a heart attack every time my head hurts or I have short of breath. I am tired of being the fat girl when in crowds. I am tired of people ignoring me because I'm fat. I want to be able to do things with friends like go to the beach without having to fear what I will look like or if I can walk down to the water without having to stop. I feel like a slob and to be honest, I act more and more like one.

Well, I don't want to be a slob anymore. I want to be radiant. I want to glow from self-confidence. I want to be able to be able to hike in the mountains and enjoy nature. I want a lot of things but what I really want is the hope, the belief that I can do it, because that is what I have lost after so many failures.