Needing some serious insight...

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iBMikey
iBMikey Posts: 35 Member
in Motivation and Support
Okay, so a little back story. My fiance and I began tracking with MyFitnessPal a little over a month ago. The idea is to get to our goals before our wedding in June- 2015. Now, the past couple of days has been extremely bumpy. Today (04/14/14), has been the hardest. I have lost a total of 19 pounds. Really happy for myself. My fiance has lost 14 pounds and had a rough weekend due to her job and school. It has been brought to my attention that she feels it is unfair that we both eat about the same thing and exercise the same amount (generally, I have exercised a tad bit more with my parents) and yet I have lost more, a very small margin.

I have been supportive, encouraged her and offer assistance whenever I can. I have preached that every person is different, just like snowflakes. We all lose in different ways at different rates. This is not a satisfactory answer for her. This has lead to me feeling guilty about my weight loss (given that is not her intentions at all and I know she is proud of me). I had a sudden drop in motivation and drive, and even thoughts of just stopping so she can bypass me with weight loss. She deserves to be proud of herself, progress is progress, it doesn't matter if it's 50 pounds or 2 pounds, weight lost is progress. But I've hit a wall as to how I can get her to stop comparing herself to me and focus on her self. My next move (should nothing be provided here) is to hide my weight loss by not posting in MyFitnessPal. Yet, I don't like hiding my progress. Makes me feel like I'm robbing myself of what I deserve as well.

I'm really hoping to get some insight to what I can say or do to help her. Any/All help is greatly appreciated. -James
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Replies

  • wheird
    wheird Posts: 7,963 Member
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    Except we arent all special snowflakes. Men lose more than women due to a higher bodyweight and lbm ratio.

    I suggest you have her join MFP and ask questions.
  • Fridaklo77
    Fridaklo77 Posts: 124
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    You both need to keep track on your own, Mens bodies are different - tell her to not compare herself with you. Give her positve feedback. But, there is no way she can lose as fast as men do. Tell her to try T25, and keep her own log going.... but enjoy the fun....
  • hkristine1
    hkristine1 Posts: 950 Member
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    Yikes... that does sound rough. My only insights would be:

    1) to tell her that it is very common (at least in my experience) for men to be able to lose weight faster than women (some of this is hormonal, some of it is because women naturally have higher body fat percentage and have to work harder than men to keep that % lower).
    2) some of it depends on how much you have to lose (so if you have 50 lbs to lose, and she only has 25, hers is going to come off slowly);
    3) 14 lbs in a month is a LOT!! (I've lost 18 lbs, and I've been at it for almost 4 months!)
    4) slow and steady wins the race - and it's an individual thing - not something to compare oneself to another; and
    5) maybe encourage her to make some "friends" on MFP who are in the same boat as her (starting weight, same goal, etc.) and have them be the motivating folks in her life... maybe try to take the weight loss part out of your relationship until she's better grounded on the weight-loss path ??

    Take all of that with a grain of salt, as I've never been in your (or her) shoes.
  • iBMikey
    iBMikey Posts: 35 Member
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    Except we arent all special snowflakes. Men lose more than women due to a higher bodyweight and lbm ratio.

    I suggest you have her join MFP and ask questions.

    I have stressed this to her as well. She is on MFP but I don't think she ever really gets on.
  • Laura732
    Laura732 Posts: 244 Member
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    Well, I've heard that Men have more lean muscle mass than women. That in and of itself will help you burn more calories and eventually lose weight. Women, well we have more body fat and for the most part are deigned to bear children, thus more body fat to support both the mother and the child when it does happen.

    She also has to learn to support you, too. What she's putting you through isn't fair. You've put the work into it, so why hide your success? You two are going to be together for a long time, possibly the rest of your lives. Its best to be honest with each other about things from the get-go.
  • emdeesea
    emdeesea Posts: 1,823 Member
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    The answer lies in plain old body composition. Even when overweight or obese, men have more muscle mass than women.

    Women carry approximately 10% more of their body weight in fat. This is the way nature designed us - to carry and deliver healthy children. And because of the increased muscle mass in men, a man’s metabolism is anywhere from 3% to 10% higher than a woman’s of the same weight and age.

    That brings us to a physiological truth: the more muscle you have, the higher your metabolism will be and the more calories you will burn, even when resting. And that men will always lose weight faster than women. It's not for lack of trying; it's just the way it is.

    Is she doing any weight lifting? Because that's the secret to speed up fat loss.
  • Galatea_Stone
    Galatea_Stone Posts: 2,037 Member
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    Women can't compare to men with respect to weight loss. She's also going to have greater fluctuations because of that whole hormonal time of the month thing. Weight loss isn't linear, and she may lose more next week.

    14 pounds is an excellent loss. A huge loss really.
  • iBMikey
    iBMikey Posts: 35 Member
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    I hadn't thought about telling her to come on her to look for other goal-minded individuals (be good for me to find some too lol). I continually tell her I'm proud of her and that she is doing great. I think I know the root of the problem and I believe she is fixated on that number on the scale. I always tell her, "Do you feel better and can you move and breath easier?" Her answer is always yes. In that case, it's working. Just treat your body right, and your body will be your own miracle.
  • catwink1
    catwink1 Posts: 28 Member
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    Basic knowledge, men lose faster, let her know that she will hit a point where she will not only see the difference but achieve her goals, and yes it is not the same journey for everyone!
  • iBMikey
    iBMikey Posts: 35 Member
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    I'm pretty sure she hasn't lifted any weights yet. I usually lift 3x a week (I was a big lifter back in highschool), and it never occurred to me to tell her to lift a little here and there with me. I will definitely put that forward.
  • DirrtyH
    DirrtyH Posts: 664 Member
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    A. It is easier for men to lose weight. It just is. Women naturally have a higher body fat percentage and it's harder to lose.

    B. 14 lbs in a little over a month???? Jeez Louise! I've been doing this January 1 and have lost 12 lbs. She should be throwing herself a party every day. That's unreal.
  • emdeesea
    emdeesea Posts: 1,823 Member
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    I'm pretty sure she hasn't lifted any weights yet. I usually lift 3x a week (I was a big lifter back in highschool), and it never occurred to me to tell her to lift a little here and there with me. I will definitely put that forward.

    Make sure she is aware that she can't possibly bulk up. So many women shy away from weights, or they lift a pathetic amount of weight (like 3 pound weights), because they don't want that "muscle" look, which is understandable, but we just don't have the testosterone available to be able to do that.
  • iBMikey
    iBMikey Posts: 35 Member
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    I agree. Considering how many times we have tried this and that, this marks the first time we have seen negative numbers, and man it feels GREAT! We both are overweight (hence the reason it's coming off so quick), I just can't get her to realize that 14 pounds is no small feat. It really is something to celebrate. She continuously feels guilty about something she shouldn't have yet, and I always tell her that its no big deal, tomorrow is a new day (she's still harping on a Wendy's burger we ate a week ago). One bad meal will not make you fat just like one healthy meal will not make you skinny. 4 days of healthy eating will destroy that one bad meal in no time. But it falls short to the answer she is looking for.
  • lcyama
    lcyama Posts: 209 Member
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    flashback to last june: i was on MFP, counted calories religiouslyl, exercised regularly, and slowly lost about 15 pounds over the course of two years.

    my husband was diagnosed with gout, and cut down his meat and beer consumption. he lost 10 pounds in two weeks.

    i was SUPER annoyed and frustrated, but then i realized the differences:

    1) i had lost methodically, so there was a good chance i wouldn't put it back on. once he started eating and drinking like had had been, he was going to gain that weight back. (he did. and more.)
    2) women's bodies are designed to hold onto extra fat, especially around the middle, to prepare for motherhood. it sucks. we have to fight it, especially close to goal weight.
    3) i'm under 5 feet tall. my husband is over 6 feet tall. i eat a snickers bar and my tummy swells. he burps and loses two pounds. that's just the way it is.

    on mfp, there are folks who lose more easily than you do, but there are also folks that struggle more than you. have your fiancee find friends in both groups to help with motivation for HER situation.

    and she's lost 14 pounds in ONE MONTH? it took me a couple of YEARS! she is fantastic!
  • iBMikey
    iBMikey Posts: 35 Member
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    I'm pretty sure she hasn't lifted any weights yet. I usually lift 3x a week (I was a big lifter back in highschool), and it never occurred to me to tell her to lift a little here and there with me. I will definitely put that forward.

    Make sure she is aware that she can't possibly bulk up. So many women shy away from weights, or they lift a pathetic amount of weight (like 3 pound weights), because they don't want that "muscle" look, which is understandable, but we just don't have the testosterone available to be able to do that.

    I have been reading A LOT into women building muscle mass and you are right. It just never occurred to me to get her in the weight room. I believe that may very well be our next step on this journey. I love going down this road with her and I don't want to break paths, but if I can't find some way to help her, I believe splitting the path will be my only option left. :ohwell:
  • iBMikey
    iBMikey Posts: 35 Member
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    flashback to last june: i was on MFP, counted calories religiouslyl, exercised regularly, and slowly lost about 15 pounds over the course of two years.

    my husband was diagnosed with gout, and cut down his meat and beer consumption. he lost 10 pounds in two weeks.

    i was SUPER annoyed and frustrated, but then i realized the differences:

    1) i had lost methodically, so there was a good chance i wouldn't put it back on. once he started eating and drinking like had had been, he was going to gain that weight back. (he did. and more.)
    2) women's bodies are designed to hold onto extra fat, especially around the middle, to prepare for motherhood. it sucks. we have to fight it, especially close to goal weight.
    3) i'm under 5 feet tall. my husband is over 6 feet tall. i eat a snickers bar and my tummy swells. he burps and loses two pounds. that's just the way it is.

    on mfp, there are folks who lose more easily than you do, but there are also folks that struggle more than you. have your fiancee find friends in both groups to help with motivation for HER situation.

    and she's lost 14 pounds in ONE MONTH? it took me a couple of YEARS! she is fantastic!

    I understand on the short aspect. I stand at a staggering 5'2 and she is 5'3 (can't you tell we belong together :tongue: ).

    A big thanks to everyone with insight. Don't know why some of these have never occurred to me, but hey, that's the joy of having such a great community like this one.
  • Johnny760
    Johnny760 Posts: 30
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    Do you weigh more than her? If you do I would suggest having her look at the percentage of weight lost instead of the lbs. lost. People that are heavier lose more lbs. but as the percentage of your weight lost you might be closer.
  • iBMikey
    iBMikey Posts: 35 Member
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    She is a little bit heavier than me. I think one reason I have lost more is because in high school I was a big time lifter. Always in the weight room, so my muscle memory is still there and it's waking up. She has never lifted a weight except for those 3lb weights you can pick up at wal-mart.
  • MaggieTor3
    MaggieTor3 Posts: 49 Member
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    Hi Mikey :)

    I haven't been part of MFP for long, but I am very grateful for the support and encouragement I've gotten here, and very grateful for the success stories people share. The stories and the pictures are inspirational and motivating.

    If your wife doesn't spend much time in MFP, could you do something like find a success story you really like and call out to your wife, "oh wow Marybeth, come and look at this!" and show her pictures or a bit of a story? Maybe she'd find something like that worth looking at, and once having looked might continue to look? And learn?

    Best of luck to you both!
  • Fitfully_me
    Fitfully_me Posts: 647 Member
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    Hmmm. That's tough. I don't think any two people should "compare" weight loss. It adds unnecessary pressure. Each body is different so expecting the same progress isn't realistic. A shared journey is wonderful, and I commend you for supporting each other and doing it together. Maybe try not focusing on the scale weight for a while and find another way to track progress?

    Good luck on your journeys and congratulations on the upcoming wedding.

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