Konnichiwa!

Hello everyone. Stephanie here, 24, French Canadian. Nice to meet you. ^^

I hope I can do this... I've had serious self-esteem problems (to the point of hating myself and wanting to die) since I don't even remember when. I've tried dieting all my life, it's always yo-yo, and I'd finally come to terms with that, since I know it's not sustainable. I'd been working out and eating healthily for maybe two years or so. I'd lost about 20 pounds, from 155-160 to 135-40...? But also, I was in decent shape, like never before. Now I'm living abroad teaching English in Japan and before leaving I allowed myself to indulge a little more (and even now, I didn't want to limit myself too much, and enjoy the experience as much as possible)... but it's getting out of control and I've managed to gain back about 20 pounds that I'd lost. Getting here, it was pretty tough at first, what with feeling homesick and dealing with the culture shock. My job puts me under close scrutiny and now that I've gained some weight, I feel extremely self-conscious and bad, and I just want to disappear whenever people look at me. It's not what people say or how they look at me, I get complimented a lot, but being here in Japan where appearances matter so much and where most people are skinny and beautiful does not help one bit... It's what "I" think and how "I" feel. And how I feel is NOT GOOD AT ALL.

I try to control my hunger, and whether it's true or all in my head I can't tell anymore. Stuff like brushing my teeth doesn't work, and I'll do things like eat foods on their own, peanut butter from the jar, you know... I can eat pretty much anything. I just love food that much, and I don't want to stop eating because it makes me miserable, as I truly enjoy eating. But at the same time, I want to lose back that weight (and then some), if I can. I have a very bad case of sweet tooth and a strong appetite, and although I do exercise I always manage to eat it all back. And even when I'm not hungry, which does happen, I just wanna eat all the time.

As for exercice, I like yoga but I suck at sports, so walking/bootcamp workouts are mostly what I do.

Whether I'm hungry or I've had too much that day, both make it impossible for me to focus on anything else. But emotions and stress also affect my hunger and/or eating behavior for the worse, so it's a never-ending cycle.

I think this is my 1000th MFP profile.

Every time I start overeating or failing I delete my account and start over. (U_U)

As we say here, よろしくお願いします (yoroshiku onegaishimasu - nice to meet you, please take care of me).

Stephanie