Why honesty is not always the best policy...

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  • PamPam1488
    PamPam1488 Posts: 11 Member
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    I went through something very similar... :(. I had known the bride-to-be for six months and did not realize what I was getting in when she asked me to be the Matron of honor... oh my gosh! Her idea of the responsibilities of a maid of honor and brides maid were not the same at all. She chose the dresses, the same for each one of us. Mine needed so much alteration in order to fit my shape and I had to buy a wrap up. She wanted a certain kind of engagement party, bachelorette party. A certain hair salon, to rent a room at an hotel the night before her wedding. When I told her that money was tight she would make small comments like 'I know you do not have the funds but I am willing to pay for you'. Nice you would say? Maybe but I felt like you did... that I was not enough for her. I was so stressed out by all these expectations that I nearly cracked. At one point I got so frustrated that I told her, that if she did not calm down, she would not see me at her wedding!!! She did not speak to me for a time but she calmed down, but held a grudge for a long time. After the wedding, her husband told me that she was really disapointed in my role as a maid of honor. BUT! I am happy to say that the other day (5 years after the wedding) she confessed that of all the the brides maids, I am the only one that she does not regret. :) Our friendship held and we do not speak much of these events, we focus on the future. ;) So I think that honesty was a good thing. Give it time, she chose you for a reason, choose your battles carefully. :)
  • SakuraRose13
    SakuraRose13 Posts: 621 Member
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    I feel for you on this that's crappy , I know she is your friend and you wanted to do something nice for her, and you are , if a friend of mine did something like you did I would be eternally grateful , as is she should be , if isn't what she wants, she may find someone else who will put up with ungrateful butt, If she is truly a friend she will realize the errors of her ways and tell you she is sorry , I know people at times say things they do not mean and act like they shouldn't but as log as they realize you will call them on it , true friends eventually figure out they messed up and make amends , but if she is not aware and doesn't realize it then she isn't such a great friends. Sorry about your situation sometimes people are what you expected them to be .
  • 3dogsrunning
    3dogsrunning Posts: 27,167 Member
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    To be honest its her wedding/bachelorette party. If she gets the chance to have only one then she deserves to have it done in a way that she will enjoy. Its not really fair to expect her party to rely soley on your financial constraints IYSWIM? If she was expecting you to pay for the extras then of course she would have been in the wrong.

    She could have handled it a bit better granted but it seems like everything worked out? I mean you are not any more out of pocket and she got the party she wanted.

    ETA: After reading the other posts it does seem like she is being a bit bridezilla about everything. How do the other people in the wedding party feel about it?

    I completely and totally disagree. If she wants the party that she feels she deserves then she should pay for it herself. Someone is throwing the party FOR the bride. She is taking her own time and money to do this. Obviously she should take into consideration what the bride would enjoy but that is not carte blanche for the bride to demand things, especially particularly expensive things when one person is footing the bill. The bride is not "entitled" to anything and should be grateful she has friends who are willing to do this for her. Op sounds like she went out of her way to plan a fun night that everyone would enjoy. It is a shame the bride can't see that. Count me in the group that strongly dislikes the "it's all about me" mentality that comes with some weddings.
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
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    I had known the bride-to-be for six months and did not realize what I was getting in when she asked me to be the Matron of honor

    Someone who asks a person she's only known six months to stand up in such an important roll tell syou all you need to know: People do not like her and you should run far away!
  • Jennisin1
    Jennisin1 Posts: 574 Member
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    Wow.. that is sooo beyond tacky. A guest of honor doesn't get to dictate how a party is thrown in their honor and expect other people to pay for it.

    I wanted a limo and beer at my wedding. My mom didn't.. so I paid for it. I did not pitch a fit to get her to pay for it or start soliciting others.

    If she wanted a limo, she should have stepped up from the onset and offered to pay for it when she made first mention of it... something along the lines of:

    Oh, I was thinking about the transportation thing and I really want you to be able to let loose and enjoy yourself, so I hired a limo for the night!!! You have been just the best bridesmaid ever and I am so looking forward to this. Thanks again for everything!!!
  • devil_in_a_blue_dress
    devil_in_a_blue_dress Posts: 5,214 Member
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    Honestly is the best policy. Especially with a person like your friend, who obviously had issues with gratefulness and respect, consider yourself lucky.
  • sjohnny
    sjohnny Posts: 56,142 Member
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    JBU
  • RubixProbz
    RubixProbz Posts: 10
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    You're posting sob stories on MFP?

    I don't envy your life at all.
  • Jennisin1
    Jennisin1 Posts: 574 Member
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    oh... and would you be my friend. You sound awesome.
  • royaldrea
    royaldrea Posts: 259 Member
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    Ugh that sounds awful. Your party sounds really fun, sorry that everything turned so nasty.

    You sound like you care about her, so my advice would just be to zen through it. If you value the friendship and want to smooth things over, call her and tell her in an even manner that you worked really hard to throw her a good party and you felt bad that she felt it wasn't good enough, and that you understand she's stressed and you just want things to go back to normal. And that you'll do whatever you can to make the party special, but you just can't afford to do everything she wants and you feel really bad about it but you hope she can understand!!! Something like that - mixture of placatory and guilt-trip. It should work and you shouldn't have to swallow your pride tooo much.

    If she doesn't respond to that then just fall alllll the way back, deal with the guilt and bad feelings and wait for her to come to you. If she doesn't, you'll know for sure that she's not a person you can count on in tough times, and you can decide whether that's someone you want as a friend.

    BUT - she sounds terrible tbh. I hope her positives really outweigh this sh*tfest because I would probably put up with it and cut her off. Her behavior is tacky (much more so than the mini-van) and immature, and she seems like she's really concerned with putting on airs. Plus she's willing to hurt you (financially and emotionally) so that she can have what she wants. Selfish. Ugh, not impressed.
  • disneygallagirl
    disneygallagirl Posts: 515 Member
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    you gave her the benifit given the situation and stressfulness of it, but there is a line .. you're not her punching bag..

    and a saying came to mind on this


    "Champagne taste on a beer budget"

    life isn't free..and your funds shouldn't be at her disposal either.

    ^this...it is not appropriate for her to dictate how much money you want or can afford to spend. If she wants more, she can pay. Just so rude and ungrateful. Sounds like a 2 yr old having a tantrum.
  • seltzermint555
    seltzermint555 Posts: 10,741 Member
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    You know the saying "with friends like this....."? Well, she's one of THOSE friends. I personally would hand over the favors to another of the girls that will be going to the party and step down as a bridesmaid. I don't do drama, I don't have any room for it in my life.

    I agree.

    I apologize in advance that I have not finished reading the responses in this thread. But I feel like the way this Bridezilla is described, I can't even imagine being friends with someone like her. It seems like her priorities, values, and interests would be way too far out of line with my own.

    Maybe follow through with the wedding "duties" (puke) and then cut this one loose, OP. Ugh!!
  • ninerbuff
    ninerbuff Posts: 48,714 Member
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    Feel sorry for the guy who's marrying her...
    THIS! One of my friends (now divorced) married someone like this and it lasted like 8 months.

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  • trisha986
    trisha986 Posts: 139
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    *edited to add* THIS IS A RANT...of a frustrated bridesmaid.

    So I'm throwing a bachelorette party for a very good friend of mine.

    I had planned a personal party, providing appetizers and drinks...the plan was then to hit the town for drinks and have the girls crash at my place so nobody had to drive (I was going to be the DD)...then I'd make brunch the next morning for everyone.

    Originally planned to buy matching tank tops for everyone that was invited (guest list was sent ahead of time so I'd know how many to buy). So I bought those and assembled "hangover first aid kits" for everyone as well.

    Then the drama started. She wanted a limo. And this was back and forth. I told her I couldn't afford it and that I'd be happy to be the designated driver. She kept insisting...then she told me that since I was planning the party, I had to solicit the other girls for money to pay for the limo. She then invited extra people to help pay for the limo...which meant I had to get more party favors and shirts so that the guests who were invited last minute wouldn't feel left out. She told me not to stress and that I should ask everyone to just pay for their shirts/favors. :/

    Finally, last night, things came to a head and I lost it. She told me that her fiancee had gotten the limo for us and she wanted me to ask the girls to chip in for the tip for the driver.
    When I mentioned that I would have been the DD, but that it was very nice for her fiancee to pay, the bride-to-be says "Well...he wanted me to have a good time. And he thought it'd be lame for us to have a mini van-he wanted me to have the limo."

    It hurts my feelings that she feels it wouldn't have been a good time without the limo...and that my financial constraints wouldn't allow me to throw the party she really wanted. I told her so. She's been bridezilla x 10...and everyone thinks so but won't say anything. I feel bad because I spoke up and said what was on my mind and let her know that she was being a bit selfish...

    Just a word to the wise...honesty is not always the best policy.


    WOW! That's a Bridezilla for sure... and thats me not being so honest. Because honestly... she's a ungrateful *****!

    Hope the madness is over for you soon and you can be free from it.
  • lbelle987
    lbelle987 Posts: 97
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    I have been in 3 weddings, and I've helped plan 4 bachelorette parties (one being my own). None have been bridezillas. In each one, everyone but the bride shelled out money--whether that be on gifts, food, decor, hotel rooms, drinks/cabs, etc. I understand her wanting a limo, I get it, it sounds fun. If she wanted the limo, she should have asked the other people herself, or suggested it from the get go, so you could let the other parties know that if they attended, there was a limo fee. That would have given you time to plan. If she wanted it her way, she needed to voice that from the beginning and helped more with the planning. I'm really sorry she hurt your feelings, and I hope that if this friendship means a lot to you, you can move past this argument. Sometimes planning a wedding makes otherwise reasonable people a tad bit control-freak crazy.
  • InevitableButterfly
    InevitableButterfly Posts: 340 Member
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    To be honest its her wedding/bachelorette party. If she gets the chance to have only one then she deserves to have it done in a way that she will enjoy. Its not really fair to expect her party to rely soley on your financial constraints IYSWIM? If she was expecting you to pay for the extras then of course she would have been in the wrong.

    This is what irritates me about so many brides-to-be. Why does someone have to spend a fortune on a wedding/bridal shower/bachelorette party/etc. in order to have a good time just because they think they "deserve" it?

    because women be totes cray about some shiz that really doesn't matter. Why? Thanks every book, magazine, tv show, etc., we've seen since childhood.
  • Platform_Heels
    Platform_Heels Posts: 388 Member
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    To be honest its her wedding/bachelorette party. If she gets the chance to have only one then she deserves to have it done in a way that she will enjoy. Its not really fair to expect her party to rely soley on your financial constraints IYSWIM? If she was expecting you to pay for the extras then of course she would have been in the wrong.

    She could have handled it a bit better granted but it seems like everything worked out? I mean you are not any more out of pocket and she got the party she wanted.

    ETA: After reading the other posts it does seem like she is being a bit bridezilla about everything. How do the other people in the wedding party feel about it?

    If she wanted a party that she felt she 'deserved' then she should have been the one who planned the entire thing. The OP knew how many people were going and planned accordingly with her tank top and party favors. It seems like the bride was okay with the party and arrangements but then decided she wanted a limo. And then invited other people who weren't originally invited which puts the OP in an awkward situation. Now she has to go and buy a bunch more tank tops and party favors which costs money. She's forced to either solicit the other girls to pay for the limo or get them to pitch in for the tip.

    I get that it's the brides party but again if she wanted it done a certain way she should have either done it herself or spoke up during the planning phase and said 'You know what? I think I want a limo. Instead of buying xyz lets put that money towards the limo" or something like that.
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
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    To be honest its her wedding/bachelorette party. If she gets the chance to have only one then she deserves to have it done in a way that she will enjoy. Its not really fair to expect her party to rely soley on your financial constraints IYSWIM? If she was expecting you to pay for the extras then of course she would have been in the wrong.

    This is what irritates me about so many brides-to-be. Why does someone have to spend a fortune on a wedding/bridal shower/bachelorette party/etc. in order to have a good time just because they think they "deserve" it?

    because women be totes cray about some shiz that really doesn't matter. Why? Thanks every book, magazine, tv show, etc., we've seen since childhood.
    I'm having a small courthouse wedding with a few close friends and family members and dinner after.

    Please don't lump "women" into a category like that.
  • segastler
    segastler Posts: 207 Member
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    When I was in my Cousins wedding, I set up boundries ahead of time. The conversation went,"I am honored that you have asked me to be a part of your special day. But I do want you to know about my financial obligations. I do not have the money to go crazy. If you expect hundreds of dollars out of me, then I ask you now to find someone else. If these standards are okay with you, then I would love to help celebrate your big day."

    That was it. She understood and we went about our days. When it came down to it, she ended up saying I was the best bridesmaid because I was the only one who never complained. I never complained because I had spoken to her up front about any expectations she should have about me.

    As far as the other posters saying its her day, blah blah blah. 49% of Americans are married. Yes its a special day, but for the bride and groom because they "love each other." other people shouldn't be expected to shell out thousands of dollars to make their day special. Make it special themselves.

    Not to mention, how much did you spend on your dress, shoes, hair, nails, makeup, bridal shower gifts, etc etc. Ridiculous.


    edit: Oh, and I wanted a big fun bachelorette party, so guess what? I paid for it myself.
  • InevitableButterfly
    InevitableButterfly Posts: 340 Member
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    To be honest its her wedding/bachelorette party. If she gets the chance to have only one then she deserves to have it done in a way that she will enjoy. Its not really fair to expect her party to rely soley on your financial constraints IYSWIM? If she was expecting you to pay for the extras then of course she would have been in the wrong.

    This is what irritates me about so many brides-to-be. Why does someone have to spend a fortune on a wedding/bridal shower/bachelorette party/etc. in order to have a good time just because they think they "deserve" it?

    because women be totes cray about some shiz that really doesn't matter. Why? Thanks every book, magazine, tv show, etc., we've seen since childhood.
    I'm having a small courthouse wedding with a few close friends and family members and dinner after.

    Please don't lump "women" into a category like that.

    You're right. I rephrase. SOME women be totes cray about shiz that doesn't really matter. ^_^

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