Why honesty is not always the best policy...

135

Replies

  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
    I had known the bride-to-be for six months and did not realize what I was getting in when she asked me to be the Matron of honor

    Someone who asks a person she's only known six months to stand up in such an important roll tell syou all you need to know: People do not like her and you should run far away!
  • Jennisin1
    Jennisin1 Posts: 574 Member
    Wow.. that is sooo beyond tacky. A guest of honor doesn't get to dictate how a party is thrown in their honor and expect other people to pay for it.

    I wanted a limo and beer at my wedding. My mom didn't.. so I paid for it. I did not pitch a fit to get her to pay for it or start soliciting others.

    If she wanted a limo, she should have stepped up from the onset and offered to pay for it when she made first mention of it... something along the lines of:

    Oh, I was thinking about the transportation thing and I really want you to be able to let loose and enjoy yourself, so I hired a limo for the night!!! You have been just the best bridesmaid ever and I am so looking forward to this. Thanks again for everything!!!
  • devil_in_a_blue_dress
    devil_in_a_blue_dress Posts: 5,214 Member
    Honestly is the best policy. Especially with a person like your friend, who obviously had issues with gratefulness and respect, consider yourself lucky.
  • sjohnny
    sjohnny Posts: 56,142 Member
    JBU
  • RubixProbz
    RubixProbz Posts: 10
    You're posting sob stories on MFP?

    I don't envy your life at all.
  • Jennisin1
    Jennisin1 Posts: 574 Member
    oh... and would you be my friend. You sound awesome.
  • royaldrea
    royaldrea Posts: 259 Member
    Ugh that sounds awful. Your party sounds really fun, sorry that everything turned so nasty.

    You sound like you care about her, so my advice would just be to zen through it. If you value the friendship and want to smooth things over, call her and tell her in an even manner that you worked really hard to throw her a good party and you felt bad that she felt it wasn't good enough, and that you understand she's stressed and you just want things to go back to normal. And that you'll do whatever you can to make the party special, but you just can't afford to do everything she wants and you feel really bad about it but you hope she can understand!!! Something like that - mixture of placatory and guilt-trip. It should work and you shouldn't have to swallow your pride tooo much.

    If she doesn't respond to that then just fall alllll the way back, deal with the guilt and bad feelings and wait for her to come to you. If she doesn't, you'll know for sure that she's not a person you can count on in tough times, and you can decide whether that's someone you want as a friend.

    BUT - she sounds terrible tbh. I hope her positives really outweigh this sh*tfest because I would probably put up with it and cut her off. Her behavior is tacky (much more so than the mini-van) and immature, and she seems like she's really concerned with putting on airs. Plus she's willing to hurt you (financially and emotionally) so that she can have what she wants. Selfish. Ugh, not impressed.
  • disneygallagirl
    disneygallagirl Posts: 515 Member
    you gave her the benifit given the situation and stressfulness of it, but there is a line .. you're not her punching bag..

    and a saying came to mind on this


    "Champagne taste on a beer budget"

    life isn't free..and your funds shouldn't be at her disposal either.

    ^this...it is not appropriate for her to dictate how much money you want or can afford to spend. If she wants more, she can pay. Just so rude and ungrateful. Sounds like a 2 yr old having a tantrum.
  • seltzermint555
    seltzermint555 Posts: 10,740 Member
    You know the saying "with friends like this....."? Well, she's one of THOSE friends. I personally would hand over the favors to another of the girls that will be going to the party and step down as a bridesmaid. I don't do drama, I don't have any room for it in my life.

    I agree.

    I apologize in advance that I have not finished reading the responses in this thread. But I feel like the way this Bridezilla is described, I can't even imagine being friends with someone like her. It seems like her priorities, values, and interests would be way too far out of line with my own.

    Maybe follow through with the wedding "duties" (puke) and then cut this one loose, OP. Ugh!!
  • ninerbuff
    ninerbuff Posts: 48,902 Member
    Feel sorry for the guy who's marrying her...
    THIS! One of my friends (now divorced) married someone like this and it lasted like 8 months.

    A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
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  • trisha986
    trisha986 Posts: 139
    *edited to add* THIS IS A RANT...of a frustrated bridesmaid.

    So I'm throwing a bachelorette party for a very good friend of mine.

    I had planned a personal party, providing appetizers and drinks...the plan was then to hit the town for drinks and have the girls crash at my place so nobody had to drive (I was going to be the DD)...then I'd make brunch the next morning for everyone.

    Originally planned to buy matching tank tops for everyone that was invited (guest list was sent ahead of time so I'd know how many to buy). So I bought those and assembled "hangover first aid kits" for everyone as well.

    Then the drama started. She wanted a limo. And this was back and forth. I told her I couldn't afford it and that I'd be happy to be the designated driver. She kept insisting...then she told me that since I was planning the party, I had to solicit the other girls for money to pay for the limo. She then invited extra people to help pay for the limo...which meant I had to get more party favors and shirts so that the guests who were invited last minute wouldn't feel left out. She told me not to stress and that I should ask everyone to just pay for their shirts/favors. :/

    Finally, last night, things came to a head and I lost it. She told me that her fiancee had gotten the limo for us and she wanted me to ask the girls to chip in for the tip for the driver.
    When I mentioned that I would have been the DD, but that it was very nice for her fiancee to pay, the bride-to-be says "Well...he wanted me to have a good time. And he thought it'd be lame for us to have a mini van-he wanted me to have the limo."

    It hurts my feelings that she feels it wouldn't have been a good time without the limo...and that my financial constraints wouldn't allow me to throw the party she really wanted. I told her so. She's been bridezilla x 10...and everyone thinks so but won't say anything. I feel bad because I spoke up and said what was on my mind and let her know that she was being a bit selfish...

    Just a word to the wise...honesty is not always the best policy.


    WOW! That's a Bridezilla for sure... and thats me not being so honest. Because honestly... she's a ungrateful *****!

    Hope the madness is over for you soon and you can be free from it.
  • lbelle987
    lbelle987 Posts: 97
    I have been in 3 weddings, and I've helped plan 4 bachelorette parties (one being my own). None have been bridezillas. In each one, everyone but the bride shelled out money--whether that be on gifts, food, decor, hotel rooms, drinks/cabs, etc. I understand her wanting a limo, I get it, it sounds fun. If she wanted the limo, she should have asked the other people herself, or suggested it from the get go, so you could let the other parties know that if they attended, there was a limo fee. That would have given you time to plan. If she wanted it her way, she needed to voice that from the beginning and helped more with the planning. I'm really sorry she hurt your feelings, and I hope that if this friendship means a lot to you, you can move past this argument. Sometimes planning a wedding makes otherwise reasonable people a tad bit control-freak crazy.
  • InevitableButterfly
    InevitableButterfly Posts: 340 Member
    To be honest its her wedding/bachelorette party. If she gets the chance to have only one then she deserves to have it done in a way that she will enjoy. Its not really fair to expect her party to rely soley on your financial constraints IYSWIM? If she was expecting you to pay for the extras then of course she would have been in the wrong.

    This is what irritates me about so many brides-to-be. Why does someone have to spend a fortune on a wedding/bridal shower/bachelorette party/etc. in order to have a good time just because they think they "deserve" it?

    because women be totes cray about some shiz that really doesn't matter. Why? Thanks every book, magazine, tv show, etc., we've seen since childhood.
  • Platform_Heels
    Platform_Heels Posts: 388 Member
    To be honest its her wedding/bachelorette party. If she gets the chance to have only one then she deserves to have it done in a way that she will enjoy. Its not really fair to expect her party to rely soley on your financial constraints IYSWIM? If she was expecting you to pay for the extras then of course she would have been in the wrong.

    She could have handled it a bit better granted but it seems like everything worked out? I mean you are not any more out of pocket and she got the party she wanted.

    ETA: After reading the other posts it does seem like she is being a bit bridezilla about everything. How do the other people in the wedding party feel about it?

    If she wanted a party that she felt she 'deserved' then she should have been the one who planned the entire thing. The OP knew how many people were going and planned accordingly with her tank top and party favors. It seems like the bride was okay with the party and arrangements but then decided she wanted a limo. And then invited other people who weren't originally invited which puts the OP in an awkward situation. Now she has to go and buy a bunch more tank tops and party favors which costs money. She's forced to either solicit the other girls to pay for the limo or get them to pitch in for the tip.

    I get that it's the brides party but again if she wanted it done a certain way she should have either done it herself or spoke up during the planning phase and said 'You know what? I think I want a limo. Instead of buying xyz lets put that money towards the limo" or something like that.
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
    To be honest its her wedding/bachelorette party. If she gets the chance to have only one then she deserves to have it done in a way that she will enjoy. Its not really fair to expect her party to rely soley on your financial constraints IYSWIM? If she was expecting you to pay for the extras then of course she would have been in the wrong.

    This is what irritates me about so many brides-to-be. Why does someone have to spend a fortune on a wedding/bridal shower/bachelorette party/etc. in order to have a good time just because they think they "deserve" it?

    because women be totes cray about some shiz that really doesn't matter. Why? Thanks every book, magazine, tv show, etc., we've seen since childhood.
    I'm having a small courthouse wedding with a few close friends and family members and dinner after.

    Please don't lump "women" into a category like that.
  • segastler
    segastler Posts: 207 Member
    When I was in my Cousins wedding, I set up boundries ahead of time. The conversation went,"I am honored that you have asked me to be a part of your special day. But I do want you to know about my financial obligations. I do not have the money to go crazy. If you expect hundreds of dollars out of me, then I ask you now to find someone else. If these standards are okay with you, then I would love to help celebrate your big day."

    That was it. She understood and we went about our days. When it came down to it, she ended up saying I was the best bridesmaid because I was the only one who never complained. I never complained because I had spoken to her up front about any expectations she should have about me.

    As far as the other posters saying its her day, blah blah blah. 49% of Americans are married. Yes its a special day, but for the bride and groom because they "love each other." other people shouldn't be expected to shell out thousands of dollars to make their day special. Make it special themselves.

    Not to mention, how much did you spend on your dress, shoes, hair, nails, makeup, bridal shower gifts, etc etc. Ridiculous.


    edit: Oh, and I wanted a big fun bachelorette party, so guess what? I paid for it myself.
  • InevitableButterfly
    InevitableButterfly Posts: 340 Member
    To be honest its her wedding/bachelorette party. If she gets the chance to have only one then she deserves to have it done in a way that she will enjoy. Its not really fair to expect her party to rely soley on your financial constraints IYSWIM? If she was expecting you to pay for the extras then of course she would have been in the wrong.

    This is what irritates me about so many brides-to-be. Why does someone have to spend a fortune on a wedding/bridal shower/bachelorette party/etc. in order to have a good time just because they think they "deserve" it?

    because women be totes cray about some shiz that really doesn't matter. Why? Thanks every book, magazine, tv show, etc., we've seen since childhood.
    I'm having a small courthouse wedding with a few close friends and family members and dinner after.

    Please don't lump "women" into a category like that.

    You're right. I rephrase. SOME women be totes cray about shiz that doesn't really matter. ^_^
  • FitWithWit44
    FitWithWit44 Posts: 412 Member
    In for the hot pole dancing avatar

    Damn. I forgot honesty wasn't the best policy :embarassed:
  • Blacklance36
    Blacklance36 Posts: 755 Member
    To be honest its her wedding/bachelorette party. If she gets the chance to have only one then she deserves to have it done in a way that she will enjoy. Its not really fair to expect her party to rely soley on your financial constraints IYSWIM? If she was expecting you to pay for the extras then of course she would have been in the wrong.

    She could have handled it a bit better granted but it seems like everything worked out? I mean you are not any more out of pocket and she got the party she wanted.

    ETA: After reading the other posts it does seem like she is being a bit bridezilla about everything. How do the other people in the wedding party feel about it?

    I cant agree with this perspective. Sure she should have it her way but not if the costs of doing so are borne by others. Have you ever watched an episode of Princess?

    She sounds like Princess Bridezilla.

    She wants it all her way and wants the bridesmaids to pay for it. That's just wrong. She is a control freak.
  • Losing_Sarah
    Losing_Sarah Posts: 279 Member
    I still hold that it's the best policy, but there are times when you have to bite your tongue. In this case, I think you were in the right to tell her. Being a bride-to-be does not give you carte blanche to be a *****.

    Well...and this is said now that she's not talking to me...she said she wanted to talk on the phone because she was tired of the messages going back and forth...she hasn't responded to anything so far.
    I'm afraid she won't even want me in the wedding at this point...then again-if she does react that way....maybe it's not worth it. I just hate when people don't communicate. So many frustrations could have been avoided if she just told me that what I had planned wasn't what she wanted.

    Wow. What a selfish B. If she decides she doesn't understand you are doing what you can (which is sounds great, btw) and doesn't want you to be in the wedding anymore I really don't think she is a friend. She really sounds terrible.

    I was the maid of honor for one of my best friends about nine years ago, and our relationship has never been the same unfortunately, but her true colors really shined through. She was in my wedding a year before her wedding and I am still great friends with all the others. I was not demanding and did everything I could to make it easier on them because I was just so happy they could all travel to be here for me. At her wedding I travelled 10 hours, was there for a week, and she essentially abused me the whole time I was there. I actually wanted to leave after the second day. We have not seen each other since, and rarely communicate other than Facebook posts. It makes me sad, but in a way I am glad I experienced. She was always a little...ya know, that way...but the wedding made it extreme and opened my eyes.

    Sorry, I hope it all works out for the best whatever that turns out to be.

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