Overeaters Anonymous - Step One

Hi Everyone...

On July 2nd I took myself to my first meeting of Overeaters Anonymous. It was the hardest meeting I have ever attended.. I cried through the whole first meeting. I just felt hopeless and angry. I started gaining weight when I was about 8 years old. I have battled family and my choices in partners with all of my might to just love me for who I am, and it was a huge blow when I finally figured out that I was only battling myself. They may have been hurtful with their words, or looks and whispers, but I was my real enemy. I perpetuated the problem by allowing myself to become angry at me and my self-esteem to be destroyed by any and all that insinuated anything remotely related to my weight. I allowed people to use and abuse me in every way possible because I felt worthless. I am, and now I will say WAS a perfectionist, trying only to please others and atone to everyone for things I had only really done to myself. Never realizing that I was the one I needed to apologize to. i was the one that I needed to love, and support and give my energy. The hard part came when i realized I was CHOOSING to allow the abuse. I BELIEVED them, I HATED me, and I choose to fight them by stuffing all my feelings with food. I pretended to be happy on the outside when inside I wanted to die. I regularly have thought about suicide all throughout my life. Then my partner suggested in a loving way, WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO CHANGE IT? "What? I had been trying all my life!" was my first thought... and then through the tears of frustration and anger, I realized... "WOW!, I hadn't done anything to change it, I just kept complaining about how I felt hurt by everyone, that I was frustrated by food and eating".

That I was the turning point. Two days later, I gave up and headed for a 12 step program... that is when I started to realize I was powerless over food, powerless over myself, and had no choice but to turn my will and my life over to the care of my Creator. I was done trying to do it all on my own, because I was exhausted and I had fought the good fight, but I hadn't gotten anywhere. I was just more frustrated and more angry and allowed myself to feel more victimized. I was having a pity party... and the only one I had invited was me. What I have a better understanding of at this point in the game is I have let food be my higher power, that I have allowed it to control me, comfort me when I was bored, scared, angry, tired, hurt or any other emotion, and even use it to celebrate with friends, family and every meeting I attended. If that wasn't enough... I hid when I ate, made sure I had more on my plate, and didn't let anyone's plate go unfinished. Justifying all of it all of the time.

On July 2nd, I attended my first meeting... and I committed to myself to attend 90 meetings in 90 days. In my area we do not have a meeting available everyday, so I also attend other 12 step meetings including Al-anon and AA. Since AA is the foundation for all the 12 step meetings I find it easy to relate to them. I am living my life one day at a time, reading literature and I have a sponsor. I am working, I am changing, I am living for the first time in my life! I won't say that I believe this is going to be easy. I know I will have my ups and downs... but through this program and the others that share their experience, strength, and hope I have faith that I will find the peace and serenity to be happy, joyous and free for the rest of my life. I will do my Creator's will one small baby step at a time. I will not give up, and I will not run away from myself or my creator ever again!

Thank you for reading this... please share where you are. I have over 30 days of abstinence and I have attended 49 meetings as of yesterday. Keep coming back! It works if you work it and it keeps getting better and your worth it!!!!!!!!