what should "middle aged look like? Am i chasing a dream?

ElidaBravo · May 2014

Hi,

Last month i had a few really horrible mental health days. Loads of negative, but very logical sounding self talk. I was having a tough time "loving myself" each time i looked at my reflection in the mirror. Even 2 years ago, i looked like my normal self....at 45, i was around 145lbs ....and i looked O.K. I hovered between my ideal weight of 135-145....and I was fine.

But lately my body just doesnt look like my body anymore. I have gained over 20 lbs this past year. My weight is more in my belly then ever before.....my usually curvy waist ...is almost gone. What happened to the 10" hip to waist ratio that i have had my entire adult life??? Is that because I'm middle aged and im carrying the weight differently?

My negative self talk seemed so logical though! Things like: well, I am 47 after all....and most women my age gain weight, and they seem to deal with it, they accept their body changes, but they love themselves anyway. Just accept the weight gain and learn to love yourself as you are and start accepting that you wont ever look like you used to 2 years ago.

Then i felt so guilty for how bad i felt towards myself. My thoughts were like: geez elida, you are so shallow, there are people who have 4x the weight to lose...why cant you just loveyourself anyway, regardless of your present weight? why all of this stupid focus on weight? just adapt to your body...and resign yourself that this is how you will look at middle age. this is you....accept it.

Ladies, or men, people.....is it normal to want to just resign yourself, giving into to what "middle aged should look like" ?

I know that i'm struggling between 2 paths

wanting to feel sexy, fit, healthy at my age.....or accepting of my body and where i am...and stop feel bad about myself.

Deep down, I know i can do better physically,.. I know what its like to get fit, i;ve done it before, in my 30's my 40's....... BUT i had never done it while being 47, hormonal, and super stressed about a few very real life situations.

I would love some feedback, especially if any of this resonates with anyone.

Elida
aka eat-alot-elida

gypsy_spirit · May 2014

Loving yourself and working to be the healthiest you can be, go hand in hand. Personally, I'm 56 and I just decided that I didn't want anyone to have to take care of me as I got older. I wanted to keep doing the things that I love. So I've embarked on a path to be the best I can be.

So, for the first time in my life, I am putting myself first. I'm lifting weights, running and eating healthy. Just for me. I'm confident that I will never be as healthy as I was in my 20s - I wish I could go back and really appreciate how easy health was back then - but I'm going to keep pushing myself to be as good as I can be. today.

Middle age will look like whatever you want it to - but perhaps I'm looking at chasing a dream in another context.

rockmama72 · May 2014

I know that i'm struggling between 2 paths
wanting to feel sexy, fit, healthy at my age.....or accepting of my body and where i am...and stop feel bad about myself.

Deep down, I know i can do better physically,.. I know what its like to get fit, i;ve done it before, in my 30's my 40's....... BUT i had never done it while being 47, hormonal, and super stressed about a few very real life situations.

Well, for what it's worth, you're super pretty. You probably DO have a body that many women from 30 to 80 would like to have. So yes, you should be enjoying that!

Now that I'm in my 40's, I find that "health" rather than "hotness" is more important to me; my values have changed, I guess. If you know you can do better physically, do it for your health. Look forward 10 years... are you going to say, "I'm so glad I didn't spend all that time being healthy and fit."? Nooooooo

I hear you on the disappearing waistline. I never thought I'd be an apple.

MrGonzo05 · May 2014

I see death coming. He's going to win. I plan to give him several hard punches to the gut first.

FitMe758 · May 2014

I believe Dylan Thomas said it best:
"Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light."

Not that I think 45 is "Old age" but good old Dylan didn't make a poem about middle age.

My point is, do not give up. Set yourself realistic expectations and continue to be healthy and fit.

Everyone told me that once I got married, once I had a kid, once I had more than one kid I'd give up and let myself go. For a little while I fell into that thinking. But I am now determined to change things and get back to the fit and happy me.

My mom is 60 (I think) She works out 5 days a week (weights, yoga, swimming) and continues to be a daily inspiration for me in all she does.

Surround yourself with positive, active, like-minded people and you will find it easier to achieve your goals.

Change is inevitable. Adapt to change, without giving up on yourself.

As long as everyday you try 100% to reach your goals, you won't have a reason to dwell on failure or regret.

I realize I sound like a fortune cookie now (mmmm, cookies) but I digress. You can add me for support.

Best of luck

gypsy_spirit · May 2014

I see death coming. He's going to win. I plan to give him several hard punches to the gut first.

And this is why you are on my FL. That is the best answer EVER.

PinkyPan1 · May 2014

Yep, I have been there. I convinced myself that this is it. Middle age, menopause and being a grandmother. I weighed 132 no big...so I am now chubby. So what... I deserve to be. Then I had a heart attack and had to make some choices. After a few weeks o f depression and anger I decided I deserved better and fought back. Guess what? I won the war. I have lost weight, changed my lifestyle and got healthy. I feeling freaking awesome! I gave cigarettes, sitting on my butt and my addiction to chocolate. I did it for me....and only me. I am 53 and going strong.

ElidaBravo · May 2014

Wow, yes i have to agree with gypsy....I loved that answer. It was like a cold splash of water on my face!

I thank each and ever one of you who have replied.....,the feedback truly helps me re-frame how i've been thinking about this topic.

Thank you

deksgrl · May 2014

I was stuck in that rut. Around 40, getting frumpier, dressing to hide certain areas, I fell into thinking that this is what happens, you get older and frumpier, start looking like your mother more and more every day. Then I came here to try to lose a little weight. I saw so many amazing looking "older women" who were in better shape than I was ever in. Looking very hot at 40, 45, 50 and beyond. After awhile I started lifting weights, not entirely to try to look "hot" but for all of the other benefits of strength training like preserving bone density as I age and to stay strong so I can keep doing the things I love for a long time, and not be so frail in 10 or 15 years that I can't enjoy life like I do now. My idea of "ideal weight" has changed, I'm no longer chasing a number on the scale. And probably for the first time in my entire life, I am happy with my body. Not because it is perfect, not because I don't have fat, but because I have accepted it for what it is right now as I work on improving it. And yes, you can improve it even at age 50+.

MrGonzo05 · May 2014

I see death coming. He's going to win. I plan to give him several hard punches to the gut first.

And this is why you are on my FL. That is the best answer EVER.

:flowerforyou:

epigirrl · May 2014

I know that i'm struggling between 2 paths
wanting to feel sexy, fit, healthy at my age.....or accepting of my body and where i am...and stop feel bad about myself.

I, personally, don't think these are mutually exclusive. Acceptance does not need to mean giving up. Yes, accept where you are today AND set your sights on where you want to go.

I will turn 50 in less than 2 weeks. Last summer, I was at this same crossroads. I looked like crap and felt like crap. But, I realized that I really did not want to accept that this was all there was. I looked ahead 9 months at this milestone birthday...and I made a plan to be in a different place by the time I reached it.

Started with small changes and lots of support...in the form of community groups [weight loss challenge at the local community center, community exercise, nutrition class]. Committing to these in-person groups was hard...never done anything like this before, WAAAAYYYY out of my comfort zone...but it really made a huge difference for me.

Now, I have shed nearly 40 pounds [overshot my initial goal weight] and lost 48 total inches. I am stronger, fitter, healthier, sexier, more confident, and happier than I have EVER been. I can't wait to turn 50, I love middle age, and I believe this will be the best decade of my life yet!!

So, to answer your question...middle age can look like whatever you want it to. Dream big...and chase those dreams. As the saying goes, "Life is a journey, not a destination."

Calliope610 · May 2014

I was stuck in that rut. Around 40, getting frumpier, dressing to hide certain areas, I fell into thinking that this is what happens, you get older and frumpier, start looking like your mother more and more every day. Then I came here to try to lose a little weight. I saw so many amazing looking "older women" who were in better shape than I was ever in. Looking very hot at 40, 45, 50 and beyond. After awhile I started lifting weights, not entirely to try to look "hot" but for all of the other benefits of strength training like preserving bone density as I age and to stay strong so I can keep doing the things I love for a long time, and not be so frail in 10 or 15 years that I can't enjoy life like I do now. My idea of "ideal weight" has changed, I'm no longer chasing a number on the scale. And probably for the first time in my entire life, I am happy with my body. Not because it is perfect, not because I don't have fat, but because I have accepted it for what it is right now as I work on improving it. And yes, you can improve it even at age 50+.

THIS

Jestinia · May 2014

Yep, I have been there. I convinced myself that this is it. Middle age, menopause and being a grandmother. I weighed 132 no big...so I am now chubby. So what... I deserve to be. Then I had a heart attack and had to make some choices. After a few weeks o f depression and anger I decided I deserved better and fought back. Guess what? I won the war. I have lost weight, changed my lifestyle and got healthy. I feeling freaking awesome! I gave cigarettes, sitting on my butt and my addiction to chocolate. I did it for me....and only me. I am 53 and going strong.

At least this reasoning makes sense to me. I can wrap my brain around longer, healthier life much better than just staying in the healthy weight range for the sake of seeing the number on the scale and fitting into my favorite jeans. Not that I'm putting down the jeans, it's just so much work for such a minor win.

CoderGal · May 2014

Sexist 46 year old on this site:

You can be in great shape no matter what age. My x's 70+ mother who still hikes after a hip replacement And has nicer legs then I do is living proof of that.

We all have our down moments for various reasons. Take a breath. Smell the roses... And then get back on the horse before it tramples you

I had a similar moment when I turned 30. Then I started lifting weights and felt a while lot better about myself.

trinity5703 · May 2014

>>> Ladies, or men, people.....is it normal to want to just resign yourself, giving into to what "middle aged should look like" ?
I know that i'm struggling between 2 paths

wanting to feel sexy, fit, healthy at my age.....or accepting of my body and where i am...and stop feel bad about myself.
Deep down, I know i can do better physically,.. I know what its like to get fit, i;ve done it before, in my 30's my 40's....... BUT i had never done it while being 47, hormonal, and super stressed about a few very real life situations. <<<<<

Can I chime in as an "old lady?"
I'm 57, a grand mother, and single. Being this age isn't for sissy's and there are some challenges, I wont deny that. The body isn't as toned and tight as it once was and Menopause is a ***** of the first order. But I ask you.... who defines " what middle age should look like?"

I feel a hell of a lot sexier at 57 than I ever did in my 20's or 30's. Why??? I am more confident, less concerned with what others expect/think of me, and a lot more comfortable with my decisions in life. Honestly, you couldn't pay me enough money to go back and be in my 20's again... or 30's for that matter.

Sugar..... no one defines what middle age looks like but YOU.
A lot (the greater portion really) of "sexy" is no where near your hips, waist or bust line. Its between your ears.

RabbitLost · May 2014

You did mention men as well, so here goes. A little more than 2 years ago, at 46, I had a lot of the same thoughts. Yo-yo'd the same 20 pounds since college. Bounced between 38" and 40" pants. Kept them all just in case. And then I hit the magic number. The number on the scale that caused me to really ponder where I was going. The number that said I may have to buy 42" waist pants. After some some inner turmoil, I realized I don't have to settle for this. Sure, I was inspired to be there for my kids and my wife.

But I realized I really needed to do it for ME. Two years later, the 20 are gone along with another 20. The 40s and 38s are gone and replaced with 34s and 36s. I can keep up with my teenage sons and my wife (who may be older than me, but don't tell her I said that).

I saw someone post somewhere in forum she was not in this to lose the weight. She was in it to bury the weight, because she never wanted to see it again. I hear that in my head a lot these days as I work to improve my body fat %, keep the weight off and generally feel better about myself.

I wish you the very best of luck in all this. I think you can do it. I hope you do, too.

jofjltncb6 · May 2014

Don't give up yet.

You're probably not even half way done yet.

ChaplainHeavin · May 2014

I'm 55. I'm not an exercise fanatic but physical, spiritual, and emotional fitness is an important part of my life. Balance is the key. I don't live in denial that I'm aging: the law of gravity and some spots of gray hair have presented a strong case with the evidence that has been brought forth. Having said that, I'm not dead nor will I allow a number (55) to determine my physical abilities. Today is a heavy workout day for me (15 minutes of push ups, 4 minutes of crunches, 3 minutes of squats, 13 minutes of plank exercises and 35 minutes on my Nordic Track Skier). But I do that only twice a week. Four days are for 5 miles of brisk walking, sometimes having to break up the miles depending on my schedule, one day of rest. I enjoy good food and wine but keep that in balance as well.

Although it is not popular to say this in these forums, I believe that death will not have the final word concerning myself and in the afterlife will be given a resurrected body that will never die nor decay. If I thought this physical body was all there was I would be most depressed. Point is: You have a purpose and you'll be much better at it if you keep yourself fit.

peachesplease · May 2014

Thanks for posting this, I have these thoughts too at 47. Great inspiration in these answers ... you guys rock.

srmchan · May 2014

I'm like RabbitLost... seems like the weight crept up on me after college and next thing I know, I'm wearing those 40-something waist pants and barely fitting into an airplane seat. The real wake up call was the brain fog. In my youth my brain went a mile a minute with ideas and I was proud to be able to remember all sorts of detail. I was a programmer back then, and I could rattle off APIs all day long.

After 40, I started having trouble remembering the name of someone I met 10 minutes ago. I talked to my doctor about it - multiple times - and he kept saying it's a function of age. I know guys 10-20-30 years older who are sharp as a tack, so I didn't buy it. Long story short, I believe the brain fog - among other things - are a function of my being obese, and I am disgusted I let this happen. I look at nutrition and exercise in the same light as I do money management - plan, moderate the input to the output (reverse for finances), and you'll reap the benefits over the long term. Whether it's health or finances, I agree with the assertions above; I don't want someone else to have to take care of me.

Until a few weeks ago, I've never really done structured exercise in my life outside of riding a bicycle. I had no idea what cardio or strength training was. Exercise was just doing something physical in my mind. I'm personally disgusted I let this happen. I'm not blaming McDonald's, my work, my family or anyone else. I OWN the problem, and I AM going to fix it. :drinker:

Best wishes...

Sam

Bernadette60614 · May 2014

Here's what I think:

I think accomplishments not attributes.

I'm born with certain attributes (I'm tall e.g.), but what I do is my accomplishments.

So, working of 6 days a week is my accomplishment.

Tracking vigilantly on MFP is my accomplishment.

Eating healthy and placing a priority on sleep is my accomplishment.

Out of accomplishments, how I feel and how I look results.

I think one of the great values of age is perspective...I know whatever I want I have to work for. So, my advice: Just start working at it and see where it takes you.

scrittrice · May 2014

Sexist 46 year old on this site:

You can be in great shape no matter what age. My x's 70+ mother who still hikes after a hip replacement And has nicer legs then I do is living proof of that.

We all have our down moments for various reasons. Take a breath. Smell the roses... And then get back on the horse before it tramples you

I had a similar moment when I turned 30. Then I started lifting weights and felt a while lot better about myself.

In my early days on this site, I stumbled across SaraUK's story (that's who's pictured above) and immediately thought, yeah, but how old is she? And then I clicked and saw that she's all of one year younger than I am.

deksgrl · May 2014

Sexist 46 year old on this site:

You can be in great shape no matter what age. My x's 70+ mother who still hikes after a hip replacement And has nicer legs then I do is living proof of that.

We all have our down moments for various reasons. Take a breath. Smell the roses... And then get back on the horse before it tramples you

I had a similar moment when I turned 30. Then I started lifting weights and felt a while lot better about myself.

In my early days on this site, I stumbled across SaraUK's story (that's who's pictured above) and immediately thought, yeah, but how old is she? And then I clicked and saw that she's all of one year younger than I am.

Nope, it's Codergal. But both have amazing results.

deksgrl · May 2014

After 40, I started having trouble remembering the name of someone I met 10 minutes ago. I talked to my doctor about it - multiple times - and he kept saying it's a function of age. I know guys 10-20-30 years older who are sharp as a tack, so I didn't buy it.

Could be from B vitamin deficiency.

_Terrapin_ · May 2014

I believe Dylan Thomas said it best:
"Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light."

Not that I think 45 is "Old age" but good old Dylan didn't make a poem about middle age.

My point is, do not give up. Set yourself realistic expectations and continue to be healthy and fit.

Everyone told me that once I got married, once I had a kid, once I had more than one kid I'd give up and let myself go. For a little while I fell into that thinking. But I am now determined to change things and get back to the fit and happy me.

My mom is 60 (I think) She works out 5 days a week (weights, yoga, swimming) and continues to be a daily inspiration for me in all she does.

Surround yourself with positive, active, like-minded people and you will find it easier to achieve your goals.

Change is inevitable. Adapt to change, without giving up on yourself.

As long as everyday you try 100% to reach your goals, you won't have a reason to dwell on failure or regret.

I realize I sound like a fortune cookie now (mmmm, cookies) but I digress. You can add me for support.

Best of luck

Rodney Dangerfield said it better...but yes.....Rage...kick *kitten*......go kicking and screaming....otherwise you'll be like the other 99% just letting it happen. There is either getting busy living or getting busy dying....you choose. Next caller....

Sabine_Stroehm · May 2014

I was stuck in that rut. Around 40, getting frumpier, dressing to hide certain areas, I fell into thinking that this is what happens, you get older and frumpier, start looking like your mother more and more every day. Then I came here to try to lose a little weight. I saw so many amazing looking "older women" who were in better shape than I was ever in. Looking very hot at 40, 45, 50 and beyond. After awhile I started lifting weights, not entirely to try to look "hot" but for all of the other benefits of strength training like preserving bone density as I age and to stay strong so I can keep doing the things I love for a long time, and not be so frail in 10 or 15 years that I can't enjoy life like I do now. My idea of "ideal weight" has changed, I'm no longer chasing a number on the scale. And probably for the first time in my entire life, I am happy with my body. Not because it is perfect, not because I don't have fat, but because I have accepted it for what it is right now as I work on improving it. And yes, you can improve it even at age 50+.

LOVE THIS!

bridgie101 · May 2014

Hi,

Last month i had a few really horrible mental health days. Loads of negative, but very logical sounding self talk. I was having a tough time "loving myself" each time i looked at my reflection in the mirror. Even 2 years ago, i looked like my normal self....at 45, i was around 145lbs ....and i looked O.K. I hovered between my ideal weight of 135-145....and I was fine.

But lately my body just doesnt look like my body anymore. I have gained over 20 lbs this past year. My weight is more in my belly then ever before.....my usually curvy waist ...is almost gone. What happened to the 10" hip to waist ratio that i have had my entire adult life??? Is that because I'm middle aged and im carrying the weight differently?

My negative self talk seemed so logical though! Things like: well, I am 47 after all....and most women my age gain weight, and they seem to deal with it, they accept their body changes, but they love themselves anyway. Just accept the weight gain and learn to love yourself as you are and start accepting that you wont ever look like you used to 2 years ago.

Then i felt so guilty for how bad i felt towards myself. My thoughts were like: geez elida, you are so shallow, there are people who have 4x the weight to lose...why cant you just loveyourself anyway, regardless of your present weight? why all of this stupid focus on weight? just adapt to your body...and resign yourself that this is how you will look at middle age. this is you....accept it.

Ladies, or men, people.....is it normal to want to just resign yourself, giving into to what "middle aged should look like" ?

I know that i'm struggling between 2 paths
wanting to feel sexy, fit, healthy at my age.....or accepting of my body and where i am...and stop feel bad about myself.

Deep down, I know i can do better physically,.. I know what its like to get fit, i;ve done it before, in my 30's my 40's....... BUT i had never done it while being 47, hormonal, and super stressed about a few very real life situations.

I would love some feedback, especially if any of this resonates with anyone.

Elida
aka eat-alot-elida

am I allowed to say scary things like menopause? Negative emotion sounds like hormone disturbance.

The mental trip you went on is interesting: is it real, do I have to endure this? should I feel guilty for not liking it? Everyone else manages to cope so why am I so special...

it's all rot.

It's all silly.

let yourself feel how you feel, which is sad and disappointed, and let that be something that passes through you and out the other side, and floats down stream. I think you have to accept what you are in order to be able to be positive about changing it: when I was young the self-loathing I cooked up would help me lose five kilos but I have noticed it can never help me lose more than that before it fizzles and i can't be bothered any more. I have had to try and work out new ways of seeing things.

I think if you just recheck your daily maintenance level calorie requirements and at least stick to that for a week or 2 would be a good move, and then maybe you'll feel like reducing it by 250 cals a day and dropping half a pound a week, fairly painlessly, till you're back on top.

And just remember: 165lb is still sexy. It's sexy with bits to hold onto.

There are a lot of guys out there who like their women 165lb.

honsi · May 2014

It is true that you are carrying weight differently that 'middle age spread' is real thing. There is no evidence that women gain weight during menopause ( i know you are not talking specifically about this) but as we get older the weight is redistributed around our middles. We also lose weight from all the wrong places: our faces, bums and bust. You need to decide for yourself why you are doing this ? Is it to ' chase a dream?' Or do you want to be as healthy as you can be in life , both life now and in the future. I'm doing it because I am choosing to live and I want to live as well as I can. I saw two futures ahead of me and i chose the one where I am fit and active. A couple of my fitness instructors are 50+ and there is woman of 82 who does the same classes as me.I want to be like them. I'm never going to be 20 again and that's OK. All of this stuff I am doing now would be wasted on her anyway. Be kind to yourself it sounds like you have a lot going on and life is hard enough.

scrittrice · May 2014

Sexist 46 year old on this site:

You can be in great shape no matter what age. My x's 70+ mother who still hikes after a hip replacement And has nicer legs then I do is living proof of that.

We all have our down moments for various reasons. Take a breath. Smell the roses... And then get back on the horse before it tramples you

I had a similar moment when I turned 30. Then I started lifting weights and felt a while lot better about myself.

In my early days on this site, I stumbled across SaraUK's story (that's who's pictured above) and immediately thought, yeah, but how old is she? And then I clicked and saw that she's all of one year younger than I am.

Nope, it's Codergal. But both have amazing results.

Ah, well, both are one year younger than I am, and inspiring, needless to say!

ElidaBravo · May 2014

Hi Dudes and Dudettes,

Thank you for responding to that tough question. I have a few few questions to ask of myself, for my own benefit.

Thanks for the feedback!

Elida

JenniCali1000 · May 2014

First, you do not need to accept any of the nonsense we've grown up hearing (that metabolism slows down as we age, it's normal to gain weight as we age, etc.) While those things may be typical of the average American, it's doesn't have to happen. Second, "middle-aged" can look however you want it to look! Eat well, incorporate a balance of cardio and strength training into your life, and treat yourself right. I am not quite your age, but I'll be there soon enough, and I know what it's like to work my *kitten* off to get back into shape. It's slightly more difficult as we age, but completely possible! Good luck to you!

what should "middle aged look like? Am i chasing a dream?

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