This week is beating me down...

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LorinaLynn
LorinaLynn Posts: 13,247 Member
in Motivation and Support
I'm at major burnout. Not from dieting or exercise, but from life. This week has just been hell. Started with cat poop, a broken tooth and a broken car that cost first $400, then $500 then $615 to get street legal again. Then this morning, the battery was dead. Stuck at home without any way of going anywhere, when I was about to hit the gym and burn off frustrations.

So instead I stayed home and got the bills sorted. More or less. We're behind on everything and I had to make arrangements with the mortgage company to make payments. That's humiliating in itself.

Background: Two years ago my mom died after a long hospital stay, and shortly after I lost my job. Been out of work since. A little over a year ago, my dad died suddenly and unexpectedly. Just when I was starting to pull myself out of the depression from all of that, my sweetest cat died. He was young and healthy but had diarrhea for a few days. Then wouldn't eat. We took him to the emergency clinic - to the tune of $200 - and he was dead by the next morning. Then another $100 to have him cremated. Then the water heater died and needed to be replaced. Another $500. That's when I hit rock bottom and pretty much just dug myself a hole and stayed in there. Neglected everything. Just went into survival mode. It seems silly that a cat dying was what really tipped me over the edge, but it was the straw that broke the camel's back. And when my parents died.... it's not like I was expecting it or anything, especially my Dad because it was so sudden, but they were older and that's what happens. But the cat... he was young and strong and big, and it was just a very painful reminder how life is completely unpredictable and nothing is within our control.

Now... I'm trying to pull myself out of it. But it like waking up after a long nap and finding you slept for two months. It feels like everything is messed up. And the more I try to fix things, the more messed up they get. I make an effort to take my life back, and more poo gets flung my way.

I'd JUST developed the mindset that eating right and exercise is a GOOD thing. Previously, I'd felt like it was punishment for being lazy and not taking care of myself. Now I realize that it's the ultimate act of loving yourself to do things the right way.

But right now... I'd like nothing more than to wallow in bed for a week and eat a sheet of brownies.

And I think I might do that. Not exactly. I'll definitely keep up with the exercise, and I won't make brownies. But I don't think I can continue to track every last thing I eat. I don't want to have to think about that now. Maybe in a few weeks, when things are more settled.

Replies

  • karenhof
    karenhof Posts: 3 Member
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    Praying for you... hang in there. You've had a rough ride for sure... I pray that you have peace and a renewed energy for life.... your life. Honor your mother and fathers memory by making a big come back... you've got at least one complete stranger pulling for you ...you're in my prayers...
  • cmriverside
    cmriverside Posts: 34,114 Member
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    Just take your time and take care of yourself. You sound very intelligent and like you have your head on straight.
    You had a lot of crises in your life in the past short amount of time.

    Best thing is to eat healthy food (easy on the sugar and caffeine) - get exercise, enough sleep and enough water and stay away from alcohol or drugs, they will deepen the depression. You need all your strength to pull yourself back up.

    I understand what you're feeling, I've had times in my life where everything went sideways. Just know that it will get better. The weight loss can be worked at a little bit at a time, make small changes when you are ready. It isn't a sprint, it's a marathon.

    hug3.gif
  • lastchance2010
    lastchance2010 Posts: 500 Member
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    UGH! I'm so sorry for you losses. I totally understand where your coming from. I've been outta work since 2006 working with several temp agencies to keep a check coming and that even came to a screeching hault. I've lost everything and have been homeless with my children. Definately my rock bottom. Some how some way I managed to find this crappy old bldg to live in and have by the skin of my teeth managed to live here for 4 yrs cuz I can't afford to move any where else and i'll tell ya a 1bdrm with 4 kids and a cat is excrutiatingly annoying but i have no choice. I don't know if your a religious person or not, but i know that if I hadn't had faith there is NO WAY i would have made it because it's truly by the grace of God that I've only been able to "get by" and telling the lanlord i don't have all my rent is embarassing. At least you are calling the mortgage ppl to work with them cuz a lot of ppl DON;T cuz they are scared or wut not. I hope that you break thru the blues and find a job. I'll definately say a prayer for u and yours. But don't give up on you cuz that could be the worst thing you can do. Just keep your head up and be proud that you have a "survival mode" cuz a lot of ppl don't. That in itself should tell you how strong you really are! Best of luck to you and I hope this year is your year!!!
  • MarriedMama
    MarriedMama Posts: 27
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    What you wrote is real talk. I am very sorry for the loss of your mom, dad, and then your cat. Budget issues can really magnify coping with tragedies. When moments get really challenging for me, I like to focus on what part of my life I can make better: one's health is definitely something that people can strive to make better. I love to work out at home with dvds. It saves gym costs, gas/travel costs, and I get more time with my family.

    Regarding your mortgage, a loan modification is not something that every family or person wants, but if you do, and if you want to try to qualify, consider checking out this nonprofit organization: www.naca.com. Their services, last I heard, are free, and they have helped a lot of people (people I know personally) greatly reduce their monthly mortgage payments through the Obama/HAMP program (I think that's the name of the program). People have to meet the qualifications, but it's really helped a lot of families get their budgets under control and stay in their home. I know that you mentioned job loss, but maybe you have a spouse or other person on the deed that is employed? I'm not sure of the qualifications. But, it could be very beneficial to try for it, and I'm pretty sure NACA does not charge fees. It seems like everything is going up in price: food, utilities, and gasoline. It might be helpful to get the monthly mortgage payments down, especially if the budget is so tight that your behind.

    On a final note, when I get stressed out, I log all my calories. When I feel better, all the logged calories help me to know the weight gain, and then I can fix it through excercise, and eating healthy.

    If you want to talk more please feel free to submit a friend request...

    By the way, I don't sell or do loans. I was just trying to help by letting you know what some people that I know have done to help solve their budget issues.

    Best Wishes,
    Marriedmama
  • FitJoani
    FitJoani Posts: 2,173 Member
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    I am so sorry to hear of your loss. Always remember the oft used phrase "Its always darkest before the dawn" and that is very true when you are at the bottom the only place you can really go is up. Fellow MFPers are right take care of yourself..Big HUGS and many prayers your way..
  • neelia
    neelia Posts: 750 Member
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    Okay, I seriously just felt like I was reading something that I wrote. 2009 was a lot like that for me- I lost my father, my husband was laid off, lots of bad bad stuff. Either way, 2009 was horrid and 2010 wasn't much better. I'm determined to make 2011 my year.

    With that being said, just know that you can pull through this. I know we aren't suppose to talk about religion on the boards, but I'm a firm believer that God never gives you more than you can handle. He also doesn't always give you what YOU want, but what HE wants. That's real talk, regardless.

    Things will look up, you just have to keep believing that they will. You've got a ton of friends and support here through MFP, so don't go without talking to somebody. We heart you!
  • neelia
    neelia Posts: 750 Member
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    Also, regarding your mortgage payment and late bills- I'm a financial advisor. I'd be willing to give you some advice if you need. Just message me.
  • LorinaLynn
    LorinaLynn Posts: 13,247 Member
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    Thanks, everybody! *smooch*

    And great big *HUGS* to everyone who has been there.

    I'm feeling much better today. Good night's sleep, courtesy of my good friend Xanax. (I have a prescription, but rarely take it.)

    My husband is taking the day off, and we're borrowing a battery charger & jumper cables. If the jump doesn't work, I'll put it on the charger. If that doesn't work, we'll get a new battery.

    Despite yesterday feeling so crappy, I feel good about it now. I set up a payment plan that's definitely do-able, and have paperwork to apply for HAMP assistance. According to the very, very nice lady at the mortgage company, we should easily qualify.

    Got all my utilities caught up. They weren't as bad/behind as I feared. So happy we got that new furnace a couple years ago. Before that, or winter gas bills were super crazy high. Even with gas prices higher now, our bills are lower. Yay for efficiency!

    Cleared a bunch of clutter off my desk that's been building up for literally months and shredded everything that needed shredding. Found a coupon for a free bag of premium cat food in the process. :happy:

    Things will be tight, but nothing we can't accomplish. We'll just have to cut corners where possible. I'm good at that. I'm incredibly thrifty! No restaurants, which will be good for our wallets and our waistlines. :wink: And now that I'm coming out of my depression-fog, I won't be doing emotional shopping. Besides, I don't think there's anything left on the clearance rack at Kohl's. I bought everything I loved! :blushing:

    Got a lot to look forward to. My brother and his wife are having their 10th anniversary party next week. The following week, my inlaws are coming to town and we're having a double birthday celebration for my husband and father in law with my family. We'll just have to make that one a potluck at home instead of going out. :tongue: Which will be better in the long run, because my family always makes too much food, so we'll be eating leftovers the rest of the week!

    So... yeah. Yesterday was a tough day, but a good, productive day. The ostrich took her head out of the sand. :smile:

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