Realtors are showing my apartment...

If you're not home, fill a bunch of clear containers with lemonade, and label them "DO NOT DRINK!!!" all over the house.
Leave a mop and bucket sitting out and put red food coloring in the water.

If you are home, wash out an empty jar of mayo, fill with yogurt, and eat it.

Sit around in a full spandex suit, tell them you feel more comfortable in other people's skin.

Every time a phone rings, freak out talking about how the government is going to find you now, and shut all of the blinds.

Tie a couple of feet of rope to each leg of your table, leave the rest coiled up on top of the table.

3. When they're leaving, offer them each a goldfish in a ziplock baggie full of water.

This is brilliant. I think I will use goldfish crackers instead of real fish, though... just to make it stranger.

You'll be like Eddie, Chandler's crazy roommate in Friends.