A monster lives inside me.

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MadTownD
MadTownD Posts: 149 Member
in Motivation and Support
This post is extremely personal, but it is something that I really want to say. I'm not even sure if I should share it in such a public forum, but I think talking about it... putting it out there... may help in some way. Because, I don't know where he came from, but there's a monster who lives inside of me who doesn't want me to eat. Anything. Ever again.

When I was 16 years old, I was hospitalized for starving myself. I hadn't eaten more than 300 calories a day for 51 days and I passed out at school and they couldn't wake me up.

When I was 21 years old, I was hospitalized for starving myself. I hadn't eaten more than half a piece of fruit every day for 36 days.

When I was 32 years old, I was hospitalized for starving myself. I tried to lose weight, and after three months, I started restricting my calories. I would always eat 20 calories less than the day before. After three more months, I stopped reducing my calories, because I was happy with not eating more than 400 calories per day.

On January 1st of this year, I decided to start to lose weight again, so I didn't eat anything that day. On January 3rd, I found MFP, and it has helped me to keep eating. I see the number at the bottom of the page, and I know what I have been told by my doctor, my nutritionist and my therapist to eat. I know for some people, it's a challenge to log everything you eat. For me, it's a challenge to eat everything I log. But, I do.

I have been fighting this monster every single day of the last three or so months, save a "Free Day" here or there, because stuffing myself with 6,000 calories in one day seems to shut the monster up.

I am going to be 44 years old next Tuesday, and tonight I cried as I forced myself to eat 400 calories for dinner. But, I ate. I will end the day with a total of 2100+ calories, and a net between 1700 to 1800 calories. My nutritionist and my therapist would say that is not enough. But, that is the best I can do today.

It's the best I can do today.
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Replies

  • tayloryay
    tayloryay Posts: 378 Member
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    I'm glad to hear you're fighting and eating, and that MFP is helping you. Just try not to let it become an obsession! Trying to control your weight when you have an eating disorder is a very, very dangerous game to play. You are a wonderful and amazing person no matter what your size. If you haven't, you should check out the website YourEatopia. There are a lot of really great, informative articles and posts there all backed by scientific research. You don't have to struggle with this for the rest of your life. I am so proud of you for eating what you could today!! You did your best and that's all that matters.
  • accountability05
    accountability05 Posts: 1
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    Beautiful of you to share this, thank you. It takes such courage and just know; even if you receive negative feedback there will be one person that this helps. That is all that matters. Stay strong and know that no matter what you are enough just as you are, here and now.
  • DrWhoodles
    DrWhoodles Posts: 145 Member
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    I am so proud of you for recognizing the issue and pushing yourself past what you know is there to do what needs to be done. You've been a great supportive of mine and for that I'm so grateful!
  • JamieJam1102
    JamieJam1102 Posts: 308 Member
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    Wow. You've been through a lot. I'm glad you've been taking steps to get through this one day at a time, and I'm also glad you've found a medium to help you get through it.

    I wish you the best of luck on your journey!
  • trinity5703
    trinity5703 Posts: 78
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    Its one step at a time, one day at a time.. and sometimes its one hour at a time... weather its loosing weight or gaining it.
    You are moving in the right direction!... and THAT my dear... is a damn victory!
  • Joanne_happygramma
    Joanne_happygramma Posts: 207 Member
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    Don look at your ticker, you have this. I just wish we could send your 'monster" on a one way ticket out of your life. You are smart, funny brave and one of the nicest people I have met here. I adore that you are my friend supporting each day and my heart broke to read this, but it was so important for you to put it down. Print it out and destroy it every time you need to quiet the monster. This monster has no right in your life.

    Hugs
    Joanne
  • BunnieMommie
    BunnieMommie Posts: 680 Member
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    It just goes to show, you never know what a person is going through or has gone through until they share. I am glad you shared. And it takes a lot to share this much of yourself to everyone in the forum. You are doing awesome. And you are an AWESOME friend. Thank you for this!!! :flowerforyou:
  • psych101
    psych101 Posts: 1,842 Member
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    One day at a time

    :flowerforyou:
  • RaspberryKeytoneBoondoggle
    RaspberryKeytoneBoondoggle Posts: 1,349 Member
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    Wow! How brave of you to share that!!


    I think you're awesome. Hugs!
  • wordsandmusic51
    wordsandmusic51 Posts: 126 Member
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    Don, you know how brave and inspiring I think you are already, and I know this took a lot of courage for you to put it out there. Please know that by fighting every day, you are not only helping yourself become a healthier and happier person, but you are also helping so many others out there who have not come to a point where they can put into words the pain they are feeling. I know it is hard, so very hard, in a way that others who don't know the same monster could never understand, be we are here for you if it ever gets bigger than you can handle. Love you. (hugs)
  • jenilla1
    jenilla1 Posts: 11,118 Member
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    I think you did great today! Just keep logging and push yourself to meet that goal every day. Being able to visualize it here on MFP is a really big help for me. Your mind can play tricks on you and MFP helps keep it all in perspective. :flowerforyou:
  • will2lose72
    will2lose72 Posts: 128 Member
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    I think it's terrific to also see your perspective of how MFP motivates you. I hope that each meal gets easier for you and that you find many ways to quiet that monster! Hugs!
  • jack758
    jack758 Posts: 16 Member
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    Just keep logging. Some days will be harder than others, but you will find friends on this site to help you through!
  • derekj222
    derekj222 Posts: 370 Member
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    you are choosing to live, not kill your body. You are at the other end of the spectrum that many of us do not understand, but hope the best for. Treat every day like a new one and everyday that you eat right in an accomplishment and a step closer to a healthy body.
  • CindyMarcuzAdams
    CindyMarcuzAdams Posts: 4,006 Member
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    Thank you for sharing your story. You have been to hell and hung around there for a while but you are on your way back with a steady climb.
    My problem is the opposite of yours but our support system is the same.
    Continue to log your food and talk to your friends. We are here for you.

    Cindy
  • pleasepleaseno
    pleasepleaseno Posts: 166 Member
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    Thanks for sharing this :)
    I have a monster inside me too.

    When I was 12 I started starving myself, eating around 300 calories a day and exercising too much.
    At 14 I became bulimic and have been for six years.

    I started getting help in September and I feel like MFP also helps, like you said, for tracking and seeing the calories and seeing stuff laid out.

    I'm here for you.
    It's nice to know I'm not alone <3
  • RunMyOregonBunsOff
    RunMyOregonBunsOff Posts: 862 Member
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    It is very brave of you to share this and I'm glad that you recognize this monster inside of you. It sounds like it could be empowering for you to think of yourself as some kind of warrior battling this epic beast and feeling like it may win, but never giving up the fight. You can do this! Great job keeping at it.

    I hope that many people with eating disorders come across this thread and find something in your words that can help them in their own battle.

    Thank you for posting this.
  • WanderingPomme
    WanderingPomme Posts: 601 Member
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    Wow. What a revelation! It's amazing that you shared this and you're fighting really hard for yourself. I applaud you! Show that monster who's boss!!! Progress, no matter how small, is still progress. Baby steps! One day at a time. You can do this!!:flowerforyou:
  • yafashelli
    yafashelli Posts: 112 Member
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    One day at a time. :flowerforyou:
  • GiveMeCoffee
    GiveMeCoffee Posts: 3,556 Member
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    Don, you are an amazing man that inspires me daily and makes me laugh all the time! Thank you for sharing this and you can do this one choice at a time, you will win this battle and beat this monster. I have some cupcakes with your name on them and the guest room is yours! :flowerforyou:

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