Recovering and bulimic and can't count calories

47kg is pretty much the perfect weight for your height assuming an average build.
You said exercise was a problem in the past-- all forms, or just cardio? Because I'm thinking weight lifting could be beneficial. You'd put on some muscle and might look more lean. Also, getting stronger might help you feel more confident and happy.

47kg is in the lower-range of the weight you should have. Don't worry, you won't suddenly gain 985257395253kg, I know that fear.
It is hard to learn to trust your body again. Do you have access to psychotherapy or another kind of help? Someone professional should help you through this time, it's nearly impossible to recover alone. I tried for years on my own and I know I wouldn't have been able to takethe steps I'm taking now to recover.

And it's absolutely great that you want to recover, that you don't want to restrict anymore and that you want to trust your body again.
But it's also quite hard to learn some kind of moderation. And I don't mean moderation as "oh I shouldn't take another chocolate bar that one was really enough."
But especially at the beginning, it simply can happen that your body cannot handle the sudden non-restriction that well and it can happen that you won't feel satisfied after a "normal" portion of something.
You are getting used to extremes (be it restricting or be it bingeing, if you are bulimic) and it is really hard to re- learn these things that for many other people are simply "normal", and I know it can be so so frustrating- but it's possible and worth it.

You can do it :flowerforyou:

Don't be sorry, it's absolutely fine!
Depending on how fast you put on that weight, it is quite logical to assume that it's also water weight (or glucose or other stuff than actual "fat"). When I started therapy for treating my bulimia, I had to sign a weight-holding contract where I had to agree that I won't lose more than x kg and I had to tolerate a weight gain up to 3kg (I was and am at a healthy weight range so it was just about the mind thing, my body and my weight itself were and are healthy).

And at the beginning she told me at every appointment that I should not freak out because of a weight gain, because it's quite normal if you start eating regularly again to gain weight at first. But you have to get to a healthy weight anyway (I mean, you are just there where we can say it's not 'anorexic' anymore) but your body will get used to it and you will NOT gain uncontrollably. I know that you are afraid of that, I was (sometimes am) myself, but it really, really doesn't happen.

But what does happen is:

When you start eating regularly again, when you stop cutting out foods etc., your mind stops thinking about those things the whole time.

When I got my meal plans etc., I was so frightened and shocked and ugh and I was really worried. But after.. 2 or 3 weeks already, I noticed that I suddenly didn't think so much about food anymore. My body wasn't that deprived anymore and I suddenly had more energy. And could enjoy other things again.
And it really gets better and easier and it's simply worth it!

Counting calories can make you addicted, as well as exercise, so I wouldn't start it on your own, it might just trigger a relapse. If the weight gain freaks you out too much, I'd rather advice you to talk to your therapist/doctor about it.
I had to write down everything I eat for my therapist and started calorie counting again because I thought, if I write everything down anyway, I can also count.
It was really hard to get rid of several things.

I was freaking out when I was using oil and I got 6g into the pan instead of 5g. What should I do?! It's not 5g anymore! Should I whip it off? But I couldn't whip of 1g so I'd have to whip of everything. And then, new try? Or simply not using any oil at all but still writing it down?
When I had a banana that weighed 126g, I'd cut off 6g so it'd be 120g because it's even and I can count with that more easily.
And now try to imagine how I'd freak out if I cooked with other people who not only used way more oil and other "bad" stuff, but I also had no option to count anything!! One time I ran to the bathroom and started CRYING because it was too much to handle.

It was too much to handle to see a pan with a little bit of oil (it were maybe 10g, for 2 persons), but I felt so powerless and out of control and didn't want to feel forced to eat any of that.
Do you see what I mean?
That's why I really don't recommend calorie counting when you are in recovery.


I learned to handle it, with the help of my therapist. I'm just losely logging. I do still weigh everything, but I force myself not to cut anything off if it's an uneven number. And if I eat another bite, if I add maybe half a tomato more, I don't need to logg it necessarily. And I can handle it much better now if I am not under control of how my food gets prepared, even though it's still a challenge.

But no matter how hard it may be- you gain back happiness. In German there is a word called "Lebensfreude", in French it's "joie de vivre" and it basically means "The joy of life", I don't know any english expression for that. But.. that's what you find again. You re-learn to treat yourself nicely, to enjoy things again, to feel worth of things.

By time, you will stop feeling like every pound you gain just shows your lack of self- control (and this is not the case, but I know it feels differently). It really gets better.

That's a pretty good weight. I'd say lose 5-8 pounds. And I think you should just eat healthy and exercise without counting calories