Getting Started at 475 lbs - Day One

It seems like getting started is often the hardest part. I've known for quite awhile that I needed to do this, but I've learned, for many including myself, the first step of acknowledging that it is my problem to deal and it needs to be dealt with is a step that is seldom reached.

But I didn't just reach this step by being forced. I literally said to myself "Why are you fat?" Have you ever asked yourself that question? Sure, a lot of things poured through my mind - my depression, my disability, my family, my friends, my lack of willpower and control - and then it dawned on me.

I'm fat because I love delicious food and I hate exercise.

Go ahead, let that sink in a minute. Do you identify? I'm not saying that there aren't contributing forces to everyone being overweight, but to a certain level, doesn't the locus of control really rest on ourselves? Being morbidly obese we tend to give our own power away to other people. We are viewed, and thus view ourselves as, hinderances, something we need to apologize for.

"I'm so sorry for bumping into you with my fat belly."

"Excuse me, pardon me."

"Sorry, these seats are kind of cramped."

It's to the point where we seldom even make eye contact for fear that we may be an afront to their day somehow. How many times have you ate out at a restaurant and ate less than you wanted to because you were afraid of what the other people might think of you? I know my answer is "all the time."

So in a culture where we shed our own power off like a snake's skin - how do we finally start approving who we are?
By accepting what we have become and how we have become it.

The answers, for each of us, may be different - but we must work to find our own truth. Our own contribution for how we ended up where we are. Until we are able to do that, I believe, we will be unable to attain our goals - because in order to do so means executing control over ourselves. If the things that contribute to our obesity are out of our control, than how can we presume to execute control over them?

Today was the first day of the rest of my life. It began like any other but ended with a different perspective. I ate unhealthy food - but stayed under my calorie goals. I set out to walk for five minutes and did so, but also cleaned for awhile an cooked dinner. While I was cooking dinner, I never once stood still. I walked laps around our island while I waited for the next step.

Why was I able to do that? Because I realized that my laziness was under my control. Yes I have a problem with my feet, but it doesn't entirely preclude me from walking. So I will do what I can when I can and how I can. That falls on me.

I am reminded of when I was in college. I was a music major until I switched to my ultimate major. My focus was Piano. I practiced my piano for five hours per day. Did I do it all at one? Heck no. I'd do it for a half hour here, a half hour there. Every time I'd walk past my piano I'd stop and work on it for a little while.

Why did I work so hard on something? It's not because I was required to - I could have passed my classes with half as much practicing - it's because I loved it. I wanted to become more skilled at tickling the ivories. I wanted to hear the beautiful music I could make through my own learned skill.

So too am I at the point of exercise. I'm incapable of doing the amounts of exercise I used to be able to do - but I am going to push myself to do as much as I am capable of. Instead of focusing on my incapabilities, I will focus on my capabilities because I have finally figured out what it is I love:

Myself.