Binging/Purging

kacznic · May 2014

So these past 2 days I've suffered a massive binge attack, probably consuming around 15,000 calories total, if not more. I've purged 4 times in the past 2 days as well, leaving me feeling pretty ashamed and disgusted right about now.
A few months ago I made a change and began eating healthier and incorporating exercise into my routine, cycling for around an hour/day, 3-5 days a week depending on the weather. During these superstar periods I eat incredibly healthy, fruits/veggies/superfood shakes galore, but when I fall off the wagon..... I fall off a damn cliff and manage to hit myself on every rock and rugged edge during my descent downwards. I go days/weeks following excellent nutrition and exercising regularly, but when a binge strikes I become some uncivilized cave woman who locks herself in a room with mounds of cookies/ice cream/chips/sweets and just begin devouring everything in my path. It's either one extreme or another, following a super healthy regime, or abandoning all nutritional knowledge and progress I've made to gorge myself senseless to the point of struggling to breathe. I'm sure my binges are partially due to me being so strict and hard on myself when I'm eating healthy, but I feel like it' impossible for me to have a normal relationship with food. I feel like i need to avoid sweets/snacks, and high carb foods altogether because consuming these types of foods is like drugs to me. Once I have a taste of it there's no going back and nothing can satisfy my cravings. I will eat and purge until I am absolutely disgusted with myself and can take no more. Sweets are my weakness, and I know many people say you shouldn't restrict yourself from indulging in your favorite snacks, but I just can't control my portions with such things. I love fruits and have healthy snacks as well, but sometimes apples and others fruits won't cut it. Sometimes it's like I NEED to haul *kitten* to the store and buy myself all the chocolate and ice cream I truly crave. Does anyone else have problems shifting from one extreme to another like this? My regime is either super healthy or super unhealthy, and I just don't know how to balance it. This morning i woke up and scarfed down 3 bagels with butter, half a jar of nutella, 4 servings of dates, half a box of crackers, an apple turnover and several chocolates I found around the house. I purged afterwards, but I know I've already made massive damage with calorie consumption/unhealthy purging. This doesn't even include the mass amounts of foods I ate yesterday!
Just feeling a little down for hindering my progress and being unable to control these trace-like moments. It's a bummer having such an unhealthy relationship with food and feeling disgusted after gaining some weight. Right now I feel like I'm too bloated and gross to leave the house, and will probably try to avoid being seen by civilization until I no longer look like I'm going to pop out triplets. I just needed to vent a little and hopefully find someone who can relate to this abnormal glutton gorging. Consuming an amount of food meant for a whole family in one sitting doesn't make a person feel very sane!

arumia · May 2014

That sounds really tough. When I had an unhealthy relationship with food, it wasn't food-related. Have you thought about seeing a counselor? I know it sounds crazy, but food issues like you're describing are usually related to something we're dealing with internally, like poor body image. You shouldn't have to feel that way!

Feel free to friend me for support.

laurenawolf · May 2014

I've struggled with this for the past few years. But then I discovered "If It Fits Your Macros" or IIFYM, and I have never been happier. I eat my favorite treats everyday, and I am still losing weight. I haven't had a binge in a while because I haven't felt the need to. I wish you all the best in finding a happy medium, and not having to worry and struggle with food anymore.

salembambi · May 2014

I can really relate OP

I have found that upping my calories and eating at that level consistently really helped me with my binging ( & purging too)

another thing that helps is not to punish myself after a binge. just go right back to eating the reasonable not super restricted diet I originally have planned

lizafava2 · May 2014

I just saw this in recent posts and I wanted to say hey, I've been there and thanks for being brave enough t post about it here.

I have been mostly in-recovery from the kind of b/p you're talking about for about 12 years. I did what you describe several times a week for years prior to that. However, alarmingly to me, I have had lots of little slip-ups (maybe 0-2 minor b/p a month) since I have tried to start losing weight/eat healthier the past year or two.

Most of the ex-bulimics I know, including myself, had to indulge in a years-long process of nourishing without counting or tracking. I don't know if you know what I mean, but I guess I am talking about intuitive eating. So, instead of counting calories and macros, you eat exactly what you want, focusing on adding healthy stuff and on the pleasures and joys of food and nourishing your body. Throwing away the scale and ditching any kind of restrictive eating. I didn;t gain weight at first, but did after I had kids. I am still much happier with my body than I was then, and am grateful I enjoyed eating for so many years!

Now, I really, really struggle with logging foods and trying to lose wieght. It makes me feel like I am Ed again or in the early days of recovery and sets me up for black and white thinking about nutrition and calories and health. I absolutely could not have done it many years ago when I was still fresh from serious b/p behavior.

Good luck to you. It is so hard. A lifelong challenge for most of us, unfortunately.

xstarxdustx · May 2014

I'm very sorry you are going through this. Know that your perception of yourself is simply that-you're own. You're not defined by food or your eating habits. You are more than all of this and can get through this-it will not be easy and will take time, but you can do it. Stay strong-thoughts are with you.

kacznic · May 2014

Thanks for the responses! I never really purged until I started dieting and lost about 15 lbs since last year. I received lots of compliments on my figure and although feedback from others was positive, it also made me feel some pressure to keep the weight off and avoid regaining any at all costs. It's hard to feel satisfied with my weight and as much as i know i shouldn't be, I am definitely influenced by society's emphasis on being "thin and beautiful". This has been going on for about 6 months on and off, and I've been hoping I can escape the vicious cycle with friend support /self-control instead of therapy. I know it may sound silly, but I'm a Criminal Justice major and I fear seeking help or being diagnosed with a disorder would disqualify me from the NYPD employment process. I used to binge occasionally prior to shedding some weight, but now I feel like I need to purge and avoid my body processing all those calories. Everything goes great until I put something sugary into my mouth. My body just isn't satisfied with a normal serving and it leads to this binge cycle of stuffing myself with every junk food imaginable. Refined carbs/sugars are the culprit that fuel these binges and send my body out of whack. All goes well when I eat clean and the cravings are usually slim, but when I'm thrown into a social setting or event where only fatty foods are being served the taste of unhealthy foods just makes me want to continue eating and eating. It makes me question if I'm being unhealthy trying to avoid these trigger foods altogether, or if it's unhealthy to indulge in a processed, empty calorie food that has this type of negative effect on my body. The American diet consists of so many snacks/junk food that it's hard to avoid sometimes! Sometimes you feel like an outsider by not indulging in the treats associated with certain social outings/events/celebrations like everyone else is, but putting a limit to that type of food once I've had a taste is something I just can't seem to control.

Graelwyn75 · May 2014

I have had on and off issues with this for a few years now, having recovered from severe anorexia when younger.
I did the same... binged on up to 10k calories a day actually, usually planned oddly, an emotional thing more than anything, and my stomach could not take that much anyway, so I purged.
However, on Wednesday, I did it and I did not get away with it.
I was very ill that night with nausea and terrible stomach cramping and the runs. The following two days, I could hardly walk because of the pain and felt like death. I am still not back to normal and have had days of hardly being able to eat and when I do eat, I get cramping. My bowels are now not releasing the sort of thing they should be and put it this way, I doubt I will be binge eating again after this experience as it shows the damage you can do through binges of such a large capacity. I am going to have to see the doctor now to find out if I have done any damage, as you can cause intestinal damage, and even rupture your stomach through binge eating.
I suggest that be a warning to get help for it and get it sorted before you reach that point.

And purging comes with it's own set of issues, including potential electrolyte imbalance which can lead to heart arrhythmia and even death. I am now back to trying to find a balance and a healthier way to deal with my very stressful and lonely current life situation, rather than through trying to stuff it all down with food. Does not work and causes untold misery when you bugger up your body in a serious way from it.

Binging/Purging

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