Food has taken over my life and I'm so fed up

Ahrena · May 2014

I'm afraid I have to write a bit of an essay...I'm waiting for professional help but getting very desperate and frustrated.

I'm 22. Since I was 12 I have struggled on and off with eating disorders. I've spent years dodging between bulimia and anorexia. A couple of years ago I started working with horses and this was a big turning point for me, and I felt I really recovered. My weight stabilised at 140 pounds (am 5 foot 8), I ate generally healthily but also had unhealthy food if I fancied it, didn't binge or stress over food, I was happy and content with my body.

Then in October my ex left me, we had been together 4 years and he was my life. I relapsed badly, lost 35 pounds in 6 weeks before it turned into severe bulimia. I was extremely depressed and it took me a very long time to start putting my life back together.

I'm in a far better place now, on antidepressants, I'm working full time again (I reduced my hours to 6 hours a week over the winter as I couldn't cope) and my eating has vastly improved, although its not "there" yet. I've been referred to therapy and I'm waiting for that to come through.

However I now weigh around 150lbs and feel very uncomfortable here. I want to lose 10 pounds but I have completely forgotten how to eat. I tend to have about 4 good days a week then 3 days where I binge or binge and purge. I constantly think about my body, what I should eat, ect. I don't count calories as I find this triggering. I definitely do not have a problem with not eating enough.

However with not counting calories, I feel guilty whenever I eat anything unhealthy which often triggers a binge. Besides that I tend to binge when I feel unsatisfied with life or when I feel overwhelmed with things to do ect, its become an escape.

I do a lot of exercise - I have 2 horses of my own who I ride 6 days a week and care for 7 days a week. Monday to Friday I ride generally 2-6 horses a day. I also do a weekly aerial silks class and a pole dancing class - I've been doing that for 2 months and I'm getting much stronger. I've just bought my own silks which I've rigged to a tree in my garden (I hve a friend who is a tree surgeon who helped me) so I'll be doing that a lot more often - I LOVE it!

But I'm still always thinking about food and my body - especially my stomach. It's doing my head in because I don't even know WHY I care so much. Realistically I know I'm slim - I'm a comfortable UK size 10, I can squeeze into an 8 provided I don't breathe. But all I can see are these huge thighs and a sticky out belly. I have no idea why I care because lets face it, 90% of the population doesn't have a flat stomach, I'm not overweight, my body is strong, fit and pretty healthy. I wouldn't want a partner who's affection for me is based on the size of my jeans so I really don't know why I care.

I just don't know what to do. I'm utterly sick of thinking about my weight and food ect, I just want to get back to my happy place with it all. I feel I'd be much happier if I got back to 140 but my weight isn't changing due to the binges. Without counting calories, I'm finding it very difficult to work out how much I should be eating as with the binges and the purging episodes, my intake is so sporadic its hard to make a judgement.

I just want to stop caring but I don't know how

seabirdie12 · May 2014

I'm in the same boat as you. I had a really horrible relationship in high school and gained a ton of weight. At my highest weight he left me, and I became so depressed that I just didn't eat. I lost about 90 lbs from just not eating and completely screwed up my relationship with food.

I have trouble counting calories because I become obsessed with the numbers. Am I eating enough? Too little? Too many carbs? Not enough protein? It's a constant battle, which leads me to binging. Especially at night. I can eat a ton of food all day, or nothing all day and it doesn't matter, I end up binging at night and ruining everything. I've tried "intermittent fasting" and it just makes it worse. Lately I've been trying to stick to 1700 calories per day. I reach the 1700 then binge at night and it's been causing me to gain. I've gone from 135 to 142 in the last 6 weeks.

I don't have a lot of advice, I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. It's an everyday struggle for me. I'm at a healthy weight now, too. 5'7 and 142. I look fine but I'm not happy with my body. I do insanity 6 days a week for exercise, and I hula hoop as a hobby but besides that I work from home alone so food is a constant distraction. It's really been bad for me mentally being at home all day because it's easy for me to obsess but the money is good and I can't afford to quit or find something else.

I don't know how to stop that obsessive voice in my head, either. The one that tells me to cut my calories below 800 and I'll lose quicker. Or the one that tells me that I need to eat, eff it I've ruined the day anyway might as well eat everything.

Just... yeah. You're not alone. I'm sorry you have to go through this, too.

aarnwine2013 · May 2014

Firstly I'm sorry for all you've been through. Next, you have to take your life back for you. If you want to lose 10 lbs, you have to make the commitment to do it.

It 100% can be done and the best part is after you start, it becomes like a habit. You can do this, believe in yourself, start slow and make small changes. Then go from there. You are young and you have so much to look forward to.

Ahrena · May 2014

Thanks
Sea birdie - feel free to message me if you want a support buddy. I work alone too, not from home but I'm self employed and sometimes it's all to easy to rearrange clients when the binge urge strikes. Also working alone (and some of my work requires very little thinking so can be hard to distract myself.

It feels like a vicious circle - the more I try and commit, the more I obsess, the more I binge. It's driving me insane. I think if I stop the binges, my weight would naturally settle back to 140 or even a bit less as I do more exercise now...but I don't know how!

DanaDark · May 2014

First, for weight goals, you should always count your calories accurately and log every day. This will help you understand what you are eating, how much you are eating, and keep you in a healthy means of control.

Second, you should think about seeing a therapist or psychiatrist etc. to discuss your depression in a reasonable manner that doesn't affect your body.

If you can act in a way that is contrary to your feelings, then you can adequately eat and log despite feelings of depression and control issues.

Stick to the forums a lot. Put pictures up, chat with people and make friends. It is an incredible support system, and is by far the most valuable resource MyFitnessPal actually has!

cebreisch · May 2014

I'm not sure if I can offer anything. I don't know anything about anorexia or bulimia. As a food addict, I can relate to the constant thinking of food 24/7. I've used food as a coping mechanism since I was about 10/12.

My modus operandi was "What can I eat next??" I don't know I ever knew what it was like to actually be HUNGRY.

Fast forward to April 2011. I went to a school event with my daughter and could hardly walk to the door because I was morbidly obese and severely out of shape. I was so embarrassed and humiliated that I ended up the next week going to see a lap-band surgeon. I was 376 pounds. I was already on an antidepressant. He told me I'd need to lose 90 pounds before they'd do the surgery. I lost 115, then had skin removal surgery that took off another 26.

I've gained back - now I'm at 76 pounds lost.

This whole time I've had to still think about food. What I'm eating, when I'm eating.

I think this is just the way it's going to have to be. It's unfortunate that it's not like alcohol or cigarettes in that we don't need those to live. We need food to live. Most people who aren't food addicts or have some sort of disorder like anorexia or bulimia don't think about food the way we do. They think about it about as often as they do going to the bathroom. A "necessary evil" if you will. They go along merrily until something says, "Oh - need to visit the restroom." and they take care of it. They go along merrily until something says, "Oh - lunchtime." and they take care of it.

Wish it could be that easy for me!!

One thing that's helped has been going to see a therapist. It's helped me a lot.

For what it's worth...

Food has taken over my life and I'm so fed up

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