Fallen off the wagon in a big way. I am devistated.

StrongCurves · May 2014

After 60 days of eating clean and kicking *kitten* at the gym I have lost a 15 lbs. Never before have I lost more than 2lbs. I was so energetic and loving my healthy life style. I was under a lot of stress last week which has resulted in a 5 days binge. And it has not been pretty. I'm confident that over the past 5 days I have consumed over 20, 000 calories. When I binge, I binge hard and feel totally out of control. What's worse is that I'm a secret eater so I do all over this in the comfort of my on room and nobody knows.

I'm so scared that I will ruin all my hard work. I know it's a matter of admitted I've screwed up and getting back on the horse but right now I am in pieces. Today was going great but in the afternoon I at a ridiculous amount of sweets and cakes which I bought specifically to binge on. I'm and all or nothing type of girl and it seems the only way for me to stick to my diet is to eliminate sweet foods completely. Moderation is not something I can do. I just lose control. It's sad because this means I'm going to have to go back to square one in terms of getting back on track. After 2 weeks or so of not eating sugar my cravings go away and I can commit to my plan. But once again I have to go through it, these 2 weeks are very difficult for me.

I'm currently in a position where I am unable to get help as I am away from home and won't return for 2 more months. But earlier this year I admitted to myself that I need professional help, as I've been a compulsive over eater and bulimic for 10 years now. I'm so ashamed of myself. And embarrassed. And disappointed. I miss feeling proud of myself. Proud for running for longer or faster. Proud of my work outs in the gym or my weight loss.

What motivates you to get back on track? Unhealthy food is like heroin to me. Once it passes my lips I can't stop. I'm so scared of setting myself back further. If you want an idea of how bad todays binge was I'll tell you...Two packets of Kinder chocolate (16 bars), two bread rolls with raisins, a whole packet of jam and cream biscuits, a whole family sized bar of milka chocolate, a tin of beans, a tub of cottage cheese, a tin of tuna, 2 protein bars, 4 cups of hot chocolate and I'm sure there's more. And that's on top of breakfast, lunch and dinner. I feel exhausted and small. Any kind words will do me a great service. Thanks guys.

salmayk · May 2014

Hi,

I have just re-started (form the umpteenth time). I had lost around 7 Kgs (around 16 Lbs) since January, and was walking for one hour 5 times a week, only to fall off the wagon and gain 5 Kgs back. in less than 2 months. It is very disheartening, but if you've done it once, you can do it again.

I have found that hypnotherapy helped get me started. It may be worth a try.

StrongCurves · May 2014

I've actually considered hypnotherapy! A friend of mine with an eating disorder tried it and it seems to have worked for her! Maybe that is something I will look into when I go home. I can find the strength within myself to dedicate myself to a healthier life style but it never lasts. I actually thought that this time was the one, that I'd nailed it and all this unhealthy behaviour with regards to food and binging was a thing of the past. But after this week I think it's going to be something that sticks with me forever. So yep, may give hypnotherapy a try. Thanks!

Trysta · May 2014

I think most of us have fallen off the wagon in one way or another.

It's how you decide to react that is important. You can continue to feel exhausted and small, or you can decide that 5 days is enough & you are going to get back on track with clean eating & kicking *kitten* at the gym.

Sure, you might have to re-lose some of the weight, but you have already proven to yourself that you can. Remember, this is a journey, not a quick trip

If you are wanting friends for encouragement & support while you are away from home, feel free to add me

Lourdesong · May 2014

I binged the same way, in secret. I also consumed a lot of food in as short of time as possible. It was an embarrassing shame-filled behavior and a vicious cycle.
Binging is quite unlike overindulgence. It's more akin to a drunk slamming a fifth of booze to feed a habit than it is like having one too many cookies at a Christmas party.
Privacy is a trigger. It became impossible for me to binge if I had people around and no where to go to be alone. If you binged like I did, you don't want any witnesses to that kind of gluttony.

Avoid being alone is my advice.

QuietBloom · May 2014

Stop telling yourself that there is such a thing as unhealthy food. That is one big thing you are doing that just sets you up to fail. You feel like if one Oreo passes your lips you are a failure, when the opposite is true. There is not one single food that exists on this earth that does not benefit your body in some way. Fit some of your favorites into your calorie goal EVERY DAY. What you are doing now is unsustainable and is tying you up in knots. Take a look at my profile photo - I eat McDonald's every day of the work week including an ice cream cone. I make it fit my macros, my calories, and my nutrient goals. Every now and then I eat several large helpings of chocolate chip cookie dough, and I don't even feel guilty about it (last night was an example). I don't have a special metabolism, I don't work out every day, and I'm almost 50. My diary is public, but I've been in maintenance for a few months now and don't always log.

salmayk · May 2014

I have binged before when I was younger.. Honestly, although I have fallen off the wagon and regained most of the weight I had gained, it was not because of binging.
I have had a weight issue all my life. I lose and gain and I have to always watch what I eat.
Hypnotherapy worked really well to completely stop binge eating. I won't say it was like magic, but it really helped. I am still tempted by good food as I love to cook and eat, but I hardly ever go into binge mode.
I would advise you to try it. If it doesn't work, it won't hurt you.. a lot of the work also involves self image and there are powerful visualization techniques that you can learn that are very helpful too.

lisakarenza · May 2014

Your not alone!! When I fall off the wagon I do it in spectacular style - eating in secret and amounts that are just ridiculous . I have to be pretty strict as I can't do moderation either so once I start I find it so hard to stop.
All you can do is start afresh (although first day is always sooo hard again) , try and get your head back into it and don't feel to bad - we all do it! Good luck xx

WonderWoman_5 · May 2014

Simple.. Dust yourself off and try again

you got this

pleasurelittletreasure · May 2014

What was happening in your life before the binge? Aside from the food, what do you think was the emotional trigger? Were you under a great deal of stress? Did you experience a disappointment? Were you sad? I found in my case that finding those sources helped me with my ED.

rieann84 · May 2014

The good thing about falling off the wagon is that it is waiting right there for you, when you decide to climb back on. I agree with other people about there not really being any "unhealthy" foods. Having a good relationship with food helps you stop putting certain food on a pedestal and demonizing other foods that are more or less harmless. That being said.. I know myself and I know that there are certain things that ..as of now.. I seem to have no control over. So, I don't keep these things in my house or I have found a suitable substitute

Get back on track today. Not tomorrow. Make your next meal something you can feel good about. If you have time, get your grocery shopping done and start meal planning. When I eat good food..I feel good. I'm finally starting to let go of certain cravings because I just don't like the feeling I have after I eat it. Physically, and mentally.

A few phrases that have stuck with me are "It's not worth it" and "What you eat in private, you wear in public"

Ilove2dance77 · May 2014

I've been doing a lot of reading recently of the DSM5 and Binge Eating Disorder. The key thing is that eating food for a lot of us is a way of managing difficult feelings. Almost like pushing them down with food so that we don't have to feel them anymore. And it becomes a viscous circle, because eating can trigger feelings of shame, which then can trigger more eating to cope. I would highly recommend you finding someone to talk to who you can trust, who won't judge you, but will listen. This can help you find alternative ways of managing your emotions which doesn't involve food. Your binge episode is telling you that you're unhappy about something. It's worth while identifying what it is because that is the cause of your episode - NOT the fact that you are weak willed or a failure.

rissavai · May 2014

eh, just shake it off. Or in my terms, work it off. Like someone already stated, there's a difference between binging and eating that way as a lifestyle. A few days of bad eating is nothing if you just jump back on that wagon. I think that a lot of us have in our minds that we HAVE to eat healthy to lose weight. I totally think that its a great idea but be honest with yourself! I will not make myself miserable by not eating what I want. I just make sure that I work it off in exercise and continue on. And honestly, if I can't work it off than thats fine too. I am not trying to tell you to be complacent about your weight lose and eating BUT if you want to keep this up and do this for the rest of your life, you have to be honest with yourself. You either decide that for the rest of your life you are going to eat clean healthy food OR that for the rest of your life, you will eat all things in moderation and keep exercise (in whatever form) a constant.
And just remember, YOU GOT THIS!

chani8 · May 2014

It's not your fault! You must watch this documentary:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2i_cmltmQ6A

It explains that when your body/brain realizes that you are dieting, it will do everything it can to convince you to eat. Food will taste extra specially good, and you'll be really hungry.

Recently I went on a binge, and gained 15 lbs in one month, before I got my brain back. Then I saw the documentary. And I stopped trying to psychoanalyze what went wrong, and I let go of the guilt and shame, and I set my determination to not let this happen ever again. How? With social support and staying away from trigger foods.

Find your mojo again and get back on the wagon. We're with you on this! No more falling off!

Regalandcoco · May 2014

WOW everyone has a lot to say. The binge eating is a bigger problem than just getting off track. Something is at the bottom of all that. You were very revealing and honest, that is not easy for anyone but, I applaud you for it. I'm proud of you for being so honest.
I don't think I could have said what you did. Well done.
My stress is so massive lately I feel it is strong enough to put down a horse so, I know what you mean.

Sugar is VERY addictive. Once you start to crave it, its best to try to substitute it for fruit or peppermint tea with stevia. Something that you enjoy. I buy stevia sweetened root beer and add a splash of half and half, some ice and its like a root beer float.

Its important to focus on the fact that YOU ARE AN IMPORTANT PERSON and a valuable one.
You could write down on a paper that you are awesome and happy. You always meet the goals that you set. You look incredibly great and you are a good, happy person. Write all the super things that come to your mind, EVEN if you don't feel all those things in the moment. Take out that paper about 7 times a day and say those things to yourself. Keep at it for months!

You have done FANTASTIC SO FAR. Just see what you can do right now to focus on your healthy self.
I STRONGLY RECOMMEND WALKS! Its extroverting and when we stress and worry we are looking in instead of out.
Go outside and look out, 30 minutes one way and 30 back. Good luck and keep us posted on your AWESOME PROGRESS.

PS. Hypnotherapy is dangerous, don't try to alter your thought process with weird means, this can backfire. The natural way is the best way.

QuietBloom · May 2014

WOW everyone has a lot to say. The binge eating is a bigger problem than just getting off track. Something is at the bottom of all that. You were very revealing and honest, that is not easy for anyone but, I applaud you for it. I'm proud of you for being so honest.
I don't think I could have said what you did. Well done.
My stress is so massive lately I feel it is strong enough to put down a horse so, I know what you mean.

Sugar is VERY addictive. Once you start to crave it, its best to try to substitute it for fruit or peppermint tea with stevia. Something that you enjoy. I buy stevia sweetened root beer and add a splash of half and half, some ice and its like a root beer float.

Its important to focus on the fact that YOU ARE AN IMPORTANT PERSON and a valuable one.
You could write down on a paper that you are awesome and happy. You always meet the goals that you set. You look incredibly great and you are a good, happy person. Write all the super things that come to your mind, EVEN if you don't feel all those things in the moment. Take out that paper about 7 times a day and say those things to yourself. Keep at it for months!

You have done FANTASTIC SO FAR. Just see what you can do right now to focus on your healthy self.
I STRONGLY RECOMMEND WALKS! Its extroverting and when we stress and worry we are looking in instead of out.
Go outside and look out, 30 minutes one way and 30 back. Good luck and keep us posted on your AWESOME PROGRESS.

PS. Hypnotherapy is dangerous, don't try to alter your thought process with weird means, this can backfire. The natural way is the best way.

While I love your positive attitude, I just wanted to point out a couple of things I found alarming in your post.

1. Sugar is not addictive. I know it is the new boogeman now that fat has been de-horned, but sugar in moderation is fine.
2. Hynotherapy is not dangerous, and it does not alter your thought process by any 'weird' means.

StrongCurves · May 2014

Thank you everyone for your kind words and advice. This is what I needed. This is why I decided to share this with you all because hearing people who have had similar experiences makes me feel normal and motivates me to get better, stop feeling sorry for myself and get back on the horse. MFP and the MFP community are what have encouraged me to lose the weight in the first place. I'd like to reply to you all individually but I'll try and do it in this one message. I'm still trying to find the cause of my binges. I just love food, but I love eating lots of it. I believe eating one square of chocolate last week sent me over the edge, I had a lot of stress to do with exams and deadlines and I'm waiting on a late period which has my hormones going all over the place. Tomorrow is a new day. I'm going to try and get things back on track. I've worked too hard to start back peddling now. I will definitely check out this documentary, and to the person who said I was brave for posting this, thank you...I did change my user name after I posted this as my original was very similar to my name and I use it for a lot of other websites and the thought of someone I know finding out about my 10 year ED...Well, I couldn't think of anything worse. When I get home I will get help straight away. Because it's one thing being overweight and bulimic, but when I reach my goal weight I don't want it to still be apart of my life. I feel like it could be a slippery slope to something worse and the last thing I want is a different eating disorder. If anyone else has anything to add please do! I'll keep checking this message as I find each and every message inspiring in a different way. Thanks everyone!

Graelwyn75 · May 2014

Stop telling yourself that there is such a thing as unhealthy food. That is one big thing you are doing that just sets you up to fail. You feel like if one Oreo passes your lips you are a failure, when the opposite is true. There is not one single food that exists on this earth that does not benefit your body in some way. Fit some of your favorites into your calorie goal EVERY DAY. What you are doing now is unsustainable and is tying you up in knots. Take a look at my profile photo - I eat McDonald's every day of the work week including an ice cream cone. I make it fit my macros, my calories, and my nutrient goals. Every now and then I eat several large helpings of chocolate chip cookie dough, and I don't even feel guilty about it (last night was an example). I don't have a special metabolism, I don't work out every day, and I'm almost 50. My diary is public, but I've been in maintenance for a few months now and don't always log.

I agree with this. I used to be very much all or nothing in my eating... phases where I would avoid anything processed, including bread, and would eventually fall into insanely large binges. It made me miserable and was counterproductive. I now have dessert every day as well as some chocolate or cake or similar. I also workout hard so that I am able to maintain a varied diet that includes those so called by some 'bad' foods. I came to the conclusion that this is a lot better than having binges every week or so that leave me feeling ill and unfit to even workout for days on end. Intermittent fasting has also helped for me, as it allows me to have larger amounts of food in a shorter window of time, which is how I prefer to eat...two large meals a day, essentially.

salmayk · June 2014

A couple of words about hypnotherapy as someone who has gone through it, and contrary to what you might think (and I thought) you never lose consciousness; you are aware all the time and a good hypnotherapist would tell you that you can stop the process if you feel uncomfortable. It is just a relaxation technique that can help unlock your negative unconscious thoughts. I was VERY sceptical before I tried it, but it worked well for me.

StrongCurves · June 2014

Thanks! I'd love to know more about it from people who have experienced it. I too am a massive skeptic. It kind of feels like medical mumbo jumbo to me and I feel like my scepticism would stop me from benefitting from it completely. I really do feel like this is something I need to try as I alone don't have the will power to control my habits myself. It's only been this year that I've really come to terms with what I do to myself. Bulimia is a ugly thing. It's disgusting and shameful and just makes me feel incredibly guilty. (There are people in the world starving...and then there's me, doing this. There are people in the world who commit to their diet goals and slip up, yet don't turn to this ya know?)

Francl27 · June 2014

Just consider how awful you're feeling right now, and think of it as motivation. You only have two options now - either you give up and you'll feel that way all the time, or you get back in gear and will feel awesome again.

Fallen off the wagon in a big way. I am devistated.

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