Peope who try to sabatoge your diet...
Nailrep
Posts: 966 Member
Somebody please tell me why some people try so hard to see you fail at a diet. I told my hubby in late December that I didn't want to go out to eat for the first month of my diet - I mean, why put yourself through that if you don't have to, right?? So what does he do? Call up two couples in our neighborhood today and ask them to go to Myabi's japanese restaurant - where they serve everybody 10 times the food a person should eat in a day. The thing that really got me so mad was that he knew good and well my wishes and chose to do all this behind my back so I wouldn't have any choice but to go. I know i'm going to have to learn again how to eat out and eat the correct foods when I do. But I asked just this one favor from him to help me. He waited exactly 8 days before he started his crap. Last time I was doing very well on my diet/exercise plan, he told my mother that I have an eating disorder - so they both tried to shovel food in my mouth until I went off on them. I managed to lose 30 pounds, despite all the attempts to derail me.
Last night, he was asking me over and over if I wanted a drink (I don't drink at all when I diet). If I get mad, then he tells me I'm overreacting. But I don't get mad until he's about badgered me to death over food. Everytime I reign in my eating, my diet is his focal point. UGH.
How do I handle this without hurting his feelings by blowing up?? Why can't he just respect my wishes over this one little thing? Thanks for letting me vent. He really IS a good hubby - I just can't figure out his behavior on this.
Last night, he was asking me over and over if I wanted a drink (I don't drink at all when I diet). If I get mad, then he tells me I'm overreacting. But I don't get mad until he's about badgered me to death over food. Everytime I reign in my eating, my diet is his focal point. UGH.
How do I handle this without hurting his feelings by blowing up?? Why can't he just respect my wishes over this one little thing? Thanks for letting me vent. He really IS a good hubby - I just can't figure out his behavior on this.
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Replies
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I'm sorry you're having to go through this. I'm lucky enough that my boyfriend understands exactly what I'm going through(he used to be 330lbs and now is 170...) I think the best thing to do would be attempting to discuss with him why exactly you need to do this for YOU. Although he is your husband, your diet really has nothing to do with him. Explain to him that this is something you must do for yourself and you're not trying to starve yourself and don't have an eating disorder just because you want to get in shape and be healthy. Tell him whole heartedly how much doing this has hurt you and how his actions are putting stress and pressure on you. Perhaps it could also be a jealousy thing? Have you thought about asking him to do this with you?
Sorry I'm not the best advice-giver but I know how it feels to be discouraged by others. Sometimes you just have to block it all out regardless of how pissed off they make you, and know in the long run that you're doing the right thing for yourself. Never let ANYONE, hubby or not, stop you from reaching your goals.0 -
Sounds kinda like my man. He knows I am tryin to eat as clean as possible but he just doesn't understand and he says one lil bite wont hurt so what happens.... one bite turns into two bites then into more and more.... MEN! They just don't understand.0
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Thanks for that! I have talked to him over and over. So I guess now the only thing I can do is sit there and not eat tonight to prove a point. Then my not eating will send him a message that I'm not giving in. And yeah, I think he gets jealous when I diet. Everything for him is a competition for him - which is weird for me.0
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You might want to ask him why it bothers him so much. He's trying to sabotage you for a reason. It seems he's afraid. Maybe afraid if you get "healthy" you'll lose focus on him?0
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I think we may be married to the same man! It's sooooo hard to eat healthier when the people closest to you aren't. I like goofy's suggestion to talk to him and tell him what she said. I have just learned to ignore the food he brings in the house, when he asks for takeout, I make certain to either order something healthy or eat at home. Good luck, stick with it and you'll do great. Feel free to come back here and rant all you like, I've certainly done it!0
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If he likes competition then make it one. Bet him X amount that he can't accomplish something you know would be a challenge for him so maybe the focus won't be on you anymore. My hubby is somewhat supportive but I know what you are feeling!0
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Change is hard for some people. They tend to focus on how it will effect them.
Put your important list of needs on paper, in point form, and give it to him. Nothing like seeing it in black and white.
Tell him this is important to you for your own sense of who you are, and want to be, and has nothing to do with him but having his support would mean the world to you.
Keep your list in short form and don't have any "you do this" items on it.
Once he sees your devotion, and how happy it makes you, he will come around.0 -
He sounds exactly like my mom the first time I tried to diet, so now I'm doing it in secret. It's hard to not have her support, but I have my dad's, my brother's, and all of my friends and that's enough for me right now. They all call her Sergent because she's very domineering and manipulative.
I agree with imagoofyg00ber and just spell it all out. You know how men are anyway lol!!!
Or, you can say "Ok, fine. I'm off of the diet." but alter recipes so that they are lower in calories, so you'll have more calories for when he does want to go out. Or, you can eat less and say you had a very big lunch, unless he's with you at lunch. Or, you can twist it into his favor, since it seems most men, definitely not all but most, have to have things their way and will not relent...but they do want to show what they have off, so "Look, if I do this, I'll look better and be willing to go out more often." etc...
I do have to ask why you are so concerned with hurting his feelings when he obviously doesn't care about you or your feelings....soooo yeah...not to be mean or anything.0 -
Ooooh I like Kate's idea too....you can diet and get money! It's a win-win!0
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Why dont you feed him and give him plenty to drink..0
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It may be due to his insecurities. He may feel that if you look too good everyone else will be checking you out LOL. Perhaps you could mail him a card and share with him how much his support means to you ...bla bla bla. The letter may make a greater impact. He will have it to read over and over. Make sure what you write is all positive. Give him examples, of how he has supported you in the past with other things. Make him your partner. Send him a thank you note every time he helps you with your weight loss efforts. Hopefully, these will accumulate and he will feel proud that you value him so much (evidence). He will be hard pressed to complain in the light of so many compliments from you. Give it a try. Good luck, Patricia P.S. I'm impressed that you lost 30 lbs inspite of him.0
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I've never understood why people do this! These are the same people who bagered me when I was over 300 pounds because I was too heavy and didn't exercise...now I talk about wanting to lose 20 more pounds and I'm going to be skin and bones, or my eyes are sunken in because I go to the gym everyday...UGH!!!
You've gotten some great advice here!! Be sure to keep your goals in focus...you can do this!! :flowerforyou:0 -
Your not alone....my hubby is the same way....I ask him to exercise with me and he just says nah...I'm fine! So frustrating so I am gonna join our local YMCA and go there without him!0
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He probably thinks you'll lose interest in him if you become slimmer & happier... my fiance has made similar comments in the past...
Now, he's dieting with me, so hopefully we'll BOTH be slimmer & happier and more interested in each other than ever Maybe try and convince him to join you in eating healthy..? After all, it's a life change, so it's something he'll have to get used to!0 -
That's tough! My fiance understands and doesn't really badger me, but it's pretty much impossible not to go out at ALL for a whole month.
I think, actually, the hardest part is eating at my parents house. Though she's always trying to lose weight, my mom serves dessert and bread with every meal. I don't ever have those things in my house, because I have no will power against them! If my aunt is over, she offers me wine every 10 minutes - mainly because I think she wants someone to enjoy her wine with.
I don't really see it as them trying to sabotage my diet or health, but I do think food and drink is a way to socialize in our culture. If you're unwilling to eat a lot out with friends, or enjoy a cocktail, they think you're being anti-social. It's crap!
Maybe the solution with your husband is to say "I'd like to cut back on the eating out, but I understand we'll probably go to a restaurant a couple times a month. If we could, I'd like to pick places that have healthier menu options". I LOOOVE sushi and it's hard to go overboard with it, so my fiance and I go there a lot. Also, there's a grill near our house that has great happy hour with good salads and a hummus/olive plate. I can eat healthy, and my fiance can order his cheeseburger and beer.
Compromise is part of any relationship. Your hubby should support your efforts, but you have to meet him halfway. Good luck!0 -
Hmm, tricky one, I would agree though, sometimes people just don't get that it's easier to avoid temptation all together.
My question would be, what do you do together when you're not dieting? Do you eat out with friends a lot?
Could be he's not so keen or able to cut himself off from those social events, unfortunately even to help you.
My other half and I spend a lot of time in our local, and when I diet he does spend a lot of time without me.
- I do find endless diet coke etc very boring, plus all the 'why aren't you drinking?' nosy questions
For us food is treats and spoiling ourselves after a hard week, so it can be tricky to change that habit without feeling you're missing out.
Perhaps you can explain to your group of friends the reasons why you are dieting, hopefully they could help take the pressure off, or at least suggest going places where you can eat healthy.
Could be he's just intimidated that when you lose weight and show everyone what a hot chick you are, he'll fade in to the background?
Good to have a forum for a proper rant though isn't it!!
Keep calm, keep strong.
C0 -
wow, i'm really sorry. but you know what, congratulations on your determination and for standing your ground!
i was googling "reasons husbands sabotage diet" and got SO MANY HITS! here are some interesting stories:
"I had one patient who lost 30 pounds, and her husband took her on a two-week tour of three-star restaurants in France. She gained back half her weight."
"Generally, the woman will do anything to support a man's weight loss. She'll change her cooking habits, keep problem foods out of the house and be very careful about restaurant and vacation plans. But men tend to see their wife's diet as her problem and are generally unconscious about their own participation in the problem. Men are raised to want what they want, when they want it, with little concern about how their appetite might affect others around them."
"My husband was quite supportive until I'd reached my goal, and then I began to notice little things. For instance, I'd put lemon and spices on the fish I was going to cook for dinner, turn my back for a minute, and he'd be pouring olive oil all over the fish."
"I put carrots on the shopping list, and he came home with carrot cake. He said there were no carrots at the grocery, which is a little hard to believe, and that he thought that the cake would allow me to combine a serving of vegetable with a bread serving."
"In addition, there is a certain peace that comes with worrying about weight. Many couples don't even realize that one member's negative body image is, in fact, a stabilizing influence in a relationship and a familiar focus."
"Many couples are suspicious when one partner embarks on a [self improvement] mission. If your guy suddenly started hitting the gym every day, you may wonder why as well. Your husband may be fearful of why you want to change your appearance and may be afraid that you’ll no longer find him attractive as you improve your shape. Your new and improved eating style may also make him more self-conscious of the pizza and beer he’s downing every Friday night. Offer reassurance that you love him, that your attention to diet details has nothing to do with your relationship, and that your quest for better health can benefit the both of you."
"The answer to these questions is because most people are threatened by change. They are genuinely pleased that you are trying to lose weight, but feel threatened that if you succeed, you will somehow change. They don't even realize they are doing it! Some friends might be comfortable with the idea of you being fat because it makes them the one with the "great body" or "pretty face". It is important to remember that diet saboteurs do not consciously set out to sabotage your diet. This is something they do unintentionally.
So when your husband comes home with your favorite pepperoni pizza twice in the same week, it's time to find out what is behind his behavior. When you ask him why he is doing this to you when you thought he was happy with your decision to lose weight, he might be totally dumbfounded. Of course he wants you to lose weight, he insists. Finally he acknowledges that he feels a little threatened by your determination to lose weight. He also tells you that it bothers him that men used to turn and look at you, which they rarely do anymore since you became heavier.
What is the lesson here? Open and honest communication can clear misunderstandings and unspoken feelings that lead to conflict. The next time you believe someone is interfering with your weight loss plan, deal with it by explaining to them that you're committed to your plan to lose weight and ask for their support."
I really hope that your husband can come around to the same page as you and be the support that you need. Good luck. In the meantime, we're here for you! You're making great strides to be healthy and live a longer life. Keep up the mental fortitude!!! xoxo.0 -
My first reaction was screw his feelings, tell him to back off...but after some thought, maybe you would have better luck by asking him some real questions.
Why did he make plans against your wishes?
Is he seriously concerned about your health?
Is he concerned other men will be attracted to you?
What would he want you to do if the situation were reversed?
etc...
no need to be confrontational, just expect an answer, talk about it from his point of view, then yours, until you can come up with an understanding.
best of luck to you!0 -
I know how you feel. My husband is very supportive and doesn't offer me bad foods that I choose not to eat BUT he will still eat them. Like this morning I didn't want pizza but he ordered it for himself and son. I ate a bologna sandwich and cottage chese. I felt great but it was still hard.0
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I am now married to a kind and supportive man, but I was married to someone before who was not. He would always discourage me from dieting because, in his mind, I would only stay with him if no one else wanted me. If I was fat, no one would want me, so I'd stay with him. Never occured to him that I might actually love him for the person he was, not for the person I was. Needless to say, there were many other issues, which is why he is now an ex.
It sounds like he may be threatened by your success and the things that may come from it. If you go to the gym and look good, maybe you'll see other hot guys there and your eyes may wander. Or it may be something as simple as not getting attention from you when you're putting the attention on yourself. My husband needed a reality check when we had kids. Hey, guess what, there are a lot of things I used to do for you that you can actually do for yourself, but this tiny baby can't do anything. She relies on me for everything ...
I would definitely put it out there for him so he understands that you don't want to be put in this situation, especially in the first month of your diet. You can go out tonight and just eat the veggies and a small portion of meat. Ask them for a to-go box before they even take your order. Keep it light, let your other friends know that you're trying to cut back for a while. Dieting is not some foreign concept, so I'm sure they'll all be supportive. Who knows, you may even encourage someone else!
Good luck!0 -
My Mother used to push dessert on me when we'd go out. She'd order something and tell the waitstaff to bring two spoons/forks, and I'd tell them "DO NOT bring anything but one, and set it down in front of her. I don't want any, thank you." Finally, I had to sit her down and explain that reaching my goals is very important, especially coming so far in such a short time. Thankfully, she gets it now and respects my wishes.0
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Wow, thanks to you all for your supportive advice!
My hubby goes to the gym 2 or 3 times a week, but his eating habits are bad. And I'm okay with whatever he does. One week he wants to cut carbs, so I cook accordingly. The next week he's cutting calories. So I follow that. Many days I cook for him, cook for me, and then cook for my birds (I have two macaws) all in one night. But when HE decides that it's time to cheat on whatever diet he's following that day, I'm supposed to cheat too - probably to make him feel better... who knows??
I have tried many, many times to thank him for being supportive. But my question (while I'm sitting here stewing) is WHY I need to cater AT ALL to how HE feels about me dieting??? It's all just childish insecurity.
So, tonight I'll have miso soup and a sushi roll. It makes everybody else at the table feel bad about enjoying their meal, and that makes me more mad at hubby. I always feel like the bad guy. I'm the bad guy for saying I dont want to eat out. I'm the bad guy if I don't eat when he finally forces me to go. I'm the bad guy to everyone at the table wanting to eat. Then, when I point out that my feelings are hurt for being put into that situation, he doesn't have a clue what I'm talking about - I'm too sensitive. UGHHHHHHHHH!!! Thanks again!!0 -
He probably thinks you'll lose interest in him if you become slimmer & happier... my fiance has made similar comments in the past...
Now, he's dieting with me, so hopefully we'll BOTH be slimmer & happier and more interested in each other than ever Maybe try and convince him to join you in eating healthy..? After all, it's a life change, so it's something he'll have to get used to!
My ex-husband was the same way until I talked to him about it. He was worried that if I lost weight and became much smaller I'd lose interest in him and want someone else. It was stupid, but it was the way he felt. We were better after I told him that I wasn't leaving because I lose weight. (Ignore the fact that he's my "ex" now.....one had nothing to do with the other. It happened years later over a bunch of other stuff). Maybe finding out what his real feelings are and then acknowledge to him that you understand but aren't going to up and leave will help. Good luck!0 -
Oh wow...you are so right! The "just have a little bit" or "just taste it" line is the husband's all time favorite. Just give him that same look moms give kids when they do something wrong and she doesn't want to yell. "The EYE" LOL0
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Wow, thanks to you all for your supportive advice!
My hubby goes to the gym 2 or 3 times a week, but his eating habits are bad. And I'm okay with whatever he does. One week he wants to cut carbs, so I cook accordingly. The next week he's cutting calories. So I follow that. Many days I cook for him, cook for me, and then cook for my birds (I have two macaws) all in one night. But when HE decides that it's time to cheat on whatever diet he's following that day, I'm supposed to cheat too - probably to make him feel better... who knows??
I have tried many, many times to thank him for being supportive. But my question (while I'm sitting here stewing) is WHY I need to cater AT ALL to how HE feels about me dieting??? It's all just childish insecurity.
So, tonight I'll have miso soup and a sushi roll. It makes everybody else at the table feel bad about enjoying their meal, and that makes me more mad at hubby. I always feel like the bad guy. I'm the bad guy for saying I dont want to eat out. I'm the bad guy if I don't eat when he finally forces me to go. I'm the bad guy to everyone at the table wanting to eat. Then, when I point out that my feelings are hurt for being put into that situation, he doesn't have a clue what I'm talking about - I'm too sensitive. UGHHHHHHHHH!!! Thanks again!!
Can you say, "Control Issues"? You need to make your diet work for you and not for him. Bargaining might work--- this for that. or you might do better with ultimatum---you do this or I'll do that. Sounds like you're in a tough spot. I have a book for you to read if you think it is possible for you.0 -
OMG!!!! While I was sitting here reading your post, my husband came into the room and asked me if I want to go out to eat tomorrow. I reminded him of my diet and told him I don't want to go. HERE IS THE KICKER!!! He already told his cousin and her fiance that I wouldn't mind, and they want to go to Olive Garden (carb haven) of all places. He went on to say..."you don't have to eat, just be social" I couldn't do anything but scream OMG!!! The irony of it all was crazy. :noway:
The man drives me nuts, but I love him for life.0 -
Sounds kinda like my man. He knows I am tryin to eat as clean as possible but he just doesn't understand and he says one lil bite wont hurt so what happens.... one bite turns into two bites then into more and more.... MEN! They just don't understand.
Oh wow...you are so right! The "just have a little bit" or "just taste it" line is the husband's all time favorite. Just give him that same look moms give kids when they do something wrong and she doesn't want to yell. "The EYE" LOL0 -
I am going through the same thing with my husband. However in my case, I've tried dieting before and failed. So I believe he thinks this time will be like all the other times, when I get focused for like 6 wks and then I fall off the bandwagon. It's really hard when he continues to eat all the food that we're used to (and expects me to cook it nonetheless) and brings in food that will tempt me. Lately though I've just accepted it and actually used this as motivation not to fail this time.0
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My partner explained it like this to me, when I accused him of sabotage:
There is a different between a "diet" and "healthy eating." To him, when I am on a diet, I am restricting which foods I eat, and he knows that that will never last for me. When I am eating healthy, I am still enjoying all the food I normally enjoy (cheese, the occasional glass of wine, pasta, the occasional dessert, and so forth), but I am enjoying them in moderation. He knows that I am destined to fail at a diet, but he knows that I am really good at healthy eating. So he wants me to see that I am better of not to completely cut the foods I enjoy out of my life, but rather to include them in my meal plans in a moderate, healthy way, if that makes sense.0
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