misplaced anger
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My sister, who I was very close to, recently lost her battle with Leukemia. Every moment of every day, I miss her. Maybe you should consider repairing your relationship with your sister. Perhaps it would then make the weight loss less of a competition (sibling rivalry at it's finest!
) and it could become something you can share. Then it wouldn't matter how either of you lost it, but that you're positive support for each other. Best of luck in your weight loss journey!
This!! Refuse the negative. Idk what I would do without my sisters. Nobody is perfect. Accept her, accept yourself. Love her, love yourself. When her faults rear their ugly head, realize that none of us are perfect.0 -
Your 42 pounds lost is a much healthier approach than your sisters. Keep in mind that the surgery she went though is dangerous and for some people doesn't take. ( I guy I work with did it and is now bigger than he was) You will lose slowly, surely and for good if you adoupt a healthy lifestyle. Just keep on pluggin away. I know I have a ways to go but I'm gonna keep on pushing on!I've been working on this weight loss thing since last autumn (well, numerous times before but with my heart consistently in it since then). I've had some bumps and road blocks along the way but I'm still at it and have lost almost 42 pounds. I have a sister who had way more than me to lose (easily 30-50 pounds more) and we have always had a contentious relationship (mostly we are polite at family gatherings but otherwise don't speak). I saw her recently and she is now smaller than me, just since December, because she had gastric bypass surgery. I am happy that she is in better health but I am really struggling with some anger and frustration that she started after me and got further before me, by opting for a surgical approach. I feel like she "cheated". I know logically it has nothing to do with me, and that I am really feeling good about my own changes; I like to exercise and look forward to it most days. I can't quite put my finger on WHY this is bothering me so much. I am not a crier but I get teary, frustrated, and angry when I think about it. It's just constantly in the back of my mind since I saw her, and I'm worried that it will get the best of my mental energy and I'll lose momentum and motivation. I probably need years of therapy
but since I'm not going, can anyone offer some suggestions to help me get past this, or have you had a similar experience?0 -
She did cheat and your success will be earned through hard work. Plus give her a few years the weight will come back always does. Most gbs patients don't change their diet lifestyle after surgery and put most of the weight back on.
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Try to be feeling the opposite of jealously.
Try to love that and be so happy for her!
Ask her for some clothes that are too big for her but might look good on you!
I bet she's having to pay for tons of replacement clothes all the time, get in on that!0 -
She did cheat and your success will be earned through hard work. Plus give her a few years the weight will come back always does. Most gbs patients don't change their diet lifestyle after surgery and put most of the weight back on.
This is quite possibly the most ignorant thing I have read in a long time. Thanks for the laugh.
I disagree..she is right for the majority...There is a small percentage of people that follow the diet after surgery but for the most part they go eat the stuff they became obese on. GBS requires a high protein diet. The two things they push the most are protein and water. Most GPS patients don't get enough so they end up with hair loss or thinning, muscle loss, and they start to put weight back on because they don't have enough LBM to even process the small amounts they are consuming. My husbands best friend broke his ankle and tore ligaments walking down a flight of stairs in his house because he didn't have enough muscle mass or ligament strength to keep his ankle from turning every time he had a downstep..and this was after a 230lb weight loss...if you don't follow the lifestyle changes and make it a permanent change...the weight will come back on..maybe not all of it, but a significant portion.0 -
PS
The reason she lost is that she didn't eat solid food for two weeks, than went on to eat baby food and blended food.
You don't need gastric bypass to take on the same diet as her.
Some how GB surgery makes VLCD and for lack of better terms medically induced anorexia completely socially acceptable, I guess because it's under a doctors order, not necessarily something they cooked up on their own.
If you want to starve and lay in bed for a week, do it.
Than eat baby food for a week.
Wow! You lost 20 lb! Imagine that!0 -
Watch her eat sometime. Watch as she has tiny portions of food because eating any more will cause her physical pain. Not because she has the willpower to eat moderately. She gave up and said she has no control over her own eating, so she had a surgeon slice her open and hack away at her insides.
She'll generally be too weak to exercise. She'll lose lots of muscle along with fat. She'll have digestive issues and other physical problems.
And you'll keep losing weight on your own terms. You can still eat the foods you want. You can fuel your body properly and have a good workout. You can build muscle. You can be fit and happy and know that you did it all yourself. Your weightloss won't be because of some surgical procedure. It'll be because of the work you put in.
This ^^0 -
Without knowing anything about you or your sister outside of your post, it sounds like your feelings have more to do with your relationship with your sister than with your own accomplishments. You are doing a great job and you are losing weight the right way. Feel good about that. Gastric Bypass is not the magic pill many people believe it to be and I really feel strongly that people should have to go through a minimum of 1-year of therapy of some sort and intense nutritional counseling before being allowed to have the surgery as so many people end up horribly malnourished.
Keep doing what you are doing. Slow and steady wins the race!0 -
She did cheat and your success will be earned through hard work. Plus give her a few years the weight will come back always does. Most gbs patients don't change their diet lifestyle after surgery and put most of the weight back on.
Most people put most of the weight back on after any type of weight loss. But, I'm not sure statistics would support the notion that those who have surgery have a higher rate of regain.
I don't know how surgery could be considered cheating. What rule did she break?0 -
"Cheating" is an silly way to look at it, as you aren't playing a game and she didn't break any rules. It seems more like jealousy but honestly why would you be jealous of someone who had a gastric bypass? She lost weight, sure, but she also has lost the ability to eat normally and she's had to follow essentially a VLCD in order to achieve that weight loss. If you want to follow a VLCD and lose weight quickly (which oftentimes is a bad idea and almost certainly isn't fun), nothing's stopping you. Personally, I'd rather work on willpower than altering my stomach so that I'm physically prevented from eating less food.0
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She did cheat and your success will be earned through hard work. Plus give her a few years the weight will come back always does. Most gbs patients don't change their diet lifestyle after surgery and put most of the weight back on.
+1
+1 weight loss surgery is cheating and doesn't address the issues at hand. I know first hand because my mother (rip) had one.0 -
Watch her eat sometime. Watch as she has tiny portions of food because eating any more will cause her physical pain. Not because she has the willpower to eat moderately. She gave up and said she has no control over her own eating, so she had a surgeon slice her open and hack away at her insides.
She'll generally be too weak to exercise. She'll lose lots of muscle along with fat. She'll have digestive issues and other physical problems.
And you'll keep losing weight on your own terms. You can still eat the foods you want. You can fuel your body properly and have a good workout. You can build muscle. You can be fit and happy and know that you did it all yourself. Your weightloss won't be because of some surgical procedure. It'll be because of the work you put in.
This ^^
Double this ????????????????0 -
She did cheat and your success will be earned through hard work. Plus give her a few years the weight will come back always does. Most gbs patients don't change their diet lifestyle after surgery and put most of the weight back on.
QFT0 -
Chances are also less likely that you'll have to deal with excess skin when you're done losing weight because you are losing slower allowing your skin to shrink with your body.0
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In the long run, you're doing it better. You are learning new, better, healthier habits that you will have for life. She didn't.
When you are smaller than her without surgery, she'll be the one crying...if that is what you ultimately want.
She will know you didn't take an "easier paty" - but she had did.
A year from now, at the next family gathering, when people ask how you each lost weight, you'll explain it loud and proud .
Will sis?
But, there are other issues at play here, as you well know.0 -
Lets stop trying to rationalize it. Plain and simple, You are jealous. This is not necessarily a bad thing, it is a normal feeling. If it was my sister - i would feel the same way! lol We are sisters, of course we get jealous between the two of us.
Often the feeling of jealousy comes when you feel threatened, threatened that she will take away your "light" or attention/praise from others? Threatened that she will become more attractive? Either way, that is for you to figure out.
I am not trying to be above others, I had to deal with my issues with jealousy in the past. It was very beneficial and has made a huge impact on my self-esteem when I realized why I was jealous by others. I also have since stopped comparing myself to others (well at least now when I do compare, it is not always in such a negative way.)0 -
Forty two pounds is not chump change so to speak. Think of your husband. Think of your doctor. Think of how far you have come. Stop thinking about your sister - we cannot pick our relatives. I can understand why it is irritating but do not let it sabotage you.
And think of her big hospital bill she is paying for that surgery!!!!0 -
I'm pretty close to my sister so this doesn't really compare but,...
When we were younger, she was much taller than me and always lighter. I was not heavy, just more solid and she was a bean stalk. I always thought it was funny she was skinnier.
When a couple of years ago, she became heavier than me, I have to admit a little feeling of joy on my part since we were now more equal.
I don't feel that way anymore because she has severe physical problems (not due to her weight) and a thyroid problem keeping her from losing. I would much rather she be back to her former skinny self because it would be much less painful for her.
Feel good about your weight loss and your new life, you earn every bit of it. Be happy she got the surgery she probably needed and hope she is able to keep it off for her health.0 -
She did cheat and your success will be earned through hard work. Plus give her a few years the weight will come back always does. Most gbs patients don't change their diet lifestyle after surgery and put most of the weight back on.
Cheating... CHEATING??? So what did she win? What did she take from you? What glorious accolade was snatched from your deserving hands, to be ignominiously delivered to the usurper's hands?
Oh yeah, your weight loss. Your OWN weight loss. Mind you, if you had wagered something significant, ignore my attempt to ridicule this situation. In that case that should be rectified. But if the idea is for you to lose weight for your own reasons, it's irrelevant what your sister, Oprah, or the biggest loser do or do not. No one can take that from you.
Well, nevermind me asking then. So are people that have no kids cheating you because they can devote more time to working out and planning meals? How about people that have complicated jobs (e.g. oil rig workers) - are we all cheating on them? Are you cheating on those that through no fault of their own were raised in a family with no clue about nutrition? Am I cheating because my wife is a great cook that can make delicious, low calorie meals? Or maybe we are cheating on those who have suffered from abuse s that derives in eating disorders.
Based on the "+1s" on cheating this clearly is not going to sit well. But for "cheating" to happen in this context there has to be winners and losers. If you sibling rivalry extends to an unofficial weight loss contest... well, that's just idiotic.0 -
Seriously though, I would be frustrated as well. Losing weight through diet and exercise is NOT easy and takes time and patience. Think about how much more satisfying it'll feel for you when you reach your goal weight and didn't do it with surgery.
Keep up your awesome work!0 -
She did cheat and your success will be earned through hard work. Plus give her a few years the weight will come back always does. Most gbs patients don't change their diet lifestyle after surgery and put most of the weight back on.
This is quite possibly the most ignorant thing I have read in a long time. Thanks for the laugh.
yeah.. i have to agree.. total ignorance and very judgmental.0 -
Your feelings are valid. Of course you are holding some ill-will. You're working towards a goal with self control and discpline while they opted for the easy way out. Yes I know surgery is not easy blablablah. But keep in mind that you reap what you sow, although you are not losing weight instantaneously as we all would like you are improving your self. You're improving your mind as well as your body through hard work, and that is gold right there. You are teaching yourself a lifestyle change, you're not using the "magic pill" you are doing what everyone should, you're taking control and doing it the right way. I'm not trying to bash on people who opt for surgery, as my mom did the lapband surgery (which ultimately had severe consequences) but she is now 150lbs lighter mainly with diet and exercise. By taking control yourself you are more likely to keep the weight off. Awesome job at recognizing your feelings. FEEL THEM DON'T EAT THEM1!! ;DDD0
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Your sister didn't have surgery to spite you. She did it because she determined it was the best choice for her. You've decided on another path. Live and let live. There is nothing to be angry about.0
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You know OP, I'm not going to tell you things like "Oh you'll look better than her" or "she will fail" because that just fuels the fire. What I will tell you is that I think the relationship you have with your sister could be better. I think the first step could be talking about your struggles with weight and food together. You never know what you guys could bond on and maybe this is a good place to start. I know you said your relationship wasn't the best and I think building that rapport with each other could be a good thing. And I also say don't let the negativity take up your head space. Push the toxicity out. You should be proud of your achievements. Not because they are better than anyone else's but because dammit you're doing it for yourself and for the right reasons.0
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Maybe it is jealousy, I don't know. If I knew for sure what it was, I could likely sort it out easier.
I definitely want her to have a healthier life, and I said so in my original post.I am happy that she is in better health
It is highly unlikely we will "repair" any relationship. She happily abused her daughter and left her home alone on numerous occasions as a toddler, as well as left her for days on end in a home with a known pedophile. This child was removed from her care years ago by me and another sister (who ultimately adopted her). She willfully ignores this girl at family events, not even wiling to treat her as a niece.
So no, I have no respect for her and will not seek to build a relationship. To those who have lost family members, my condolences on your loss. :flowerforyou: I've also lost a brother and both parents, so I understand the reality that can come.
I absolutely value what I have and know that everything I have and do, I earn (good and bad). I understand the path she took is hers, and mine is mine. I don't want her to struggle with effects of the surgery she chose. I guess I just don't want to see her successful without working her *kitten* off for it when there is no need for her to not put in the hard work. She has no children, and she works only part time. She has a history of taking all she can get for free, and lying to get it, and I expect the taxpayers paid for the surgery. I don't respect her. I imagine she finds me a judgmental *****, and maybe she's right. :bigsmile:
I guess I just needed to acknowledge my feelings out loud, and yes, "feel it, don't eat it" as one person commented. Perhaps this really was the best option for her, and if so, I'm glad she did it. Really. My feelings can be valid while still not wishing her ill will. Life isn't black and white, and I can usually see both sides of everything; that's maybe part of the reason these emotions are so perplexing to me.
I'm rambling, but wanted to share a bit more about my feelings because I think I was misunderstood. Or maybe not, and I'm in denial about what I'm feeling. Either way, thank you all for your thoughtful responses, especially the ones that didn't sugarcoat it. I'm a very direct person and appreciate the same even if I disagree! :drinker:0 -
Go out for a larger meal that fits into your calories - and then enjoy the fact that you can still eat a large meal and aren't physically limited to eating only a tiny amount of food because you surgically altered the size of your stomach. I'm not going to trash someone who got a gastric bypass because some people see that as their only option, but I'm definitely not going to be jealous of them either because in my mind that's a last resort and comes with serious drawbacks.
Lose the weight without surgery, be proud of your accomplishments and keep your focus on yourself. Just my $0.02.0 -
Just my two cents on this.
My dad had GPS 5 years ago. It was not something he wanted to do, it was something he had to do. Most of my life I remember him being on one diet or another and failing. For many years this was his fault, and he admitted and accepted that. When his weight became a much much more serious issue (he was given 5 years to live at the age of 55 due to health complications from being overweight) I saw him really really try. When doing it on his own did not work because of other health issues I watched him struggle to make a choice he considered as "cheating", having the surgery. He did classes and therapy for a year. He finally lost some weight on his own and then he had the surgery. It was a hard choice for him to make. Because he was so invested by the time he had the surgery, I am happy to say that 5 years later he has kept it off and is healthier than ever. That took work on his part and I'm very proud of him for doing it and continuing to do it. I hope your sister is like him 5 years from now.
Now I am on my own weight loss journey. Surgery is not an option for me. First because I don't meet the requirements, and second, after watching how difficult the entire process was for my dad I decided that was not a road I wanted to go down. I am still in the beginning stages of my journey but already my dad has told me how proud he is of me for doing something he knows he could not. Perhaps your sister feels the same way but it's harder for her to say to you than it is for my dad (who is used to being proud of his kids, not competitive with them) to say to me.
At the end of the day, what's really important is health. You and your sister's path to health has been different. Just like mine and my dad's. That doesn't mean that we can't be proud of each other and support each other in reaching and maintaining our goals.
Be angry for a bit. It's ok. But then...
1) Be proud of yourself. You're doing an amazing job and you have every right and reason to celebrate that! You're making the tough changes on your own and that takes lots of determination and willpower.
and 2) Be proud of your sister for making a change. Just because she did it with a little more help doesn't mean she doesn't need support, just like you do.
I hope this helps! No matter what, don't give up. Don't be discouraged. Make your changes long term and hope that hers are too. that way you both can live long lives and compete over who has the cutest grandchildren or who grows the better tomatoes 0 -
My sister, who I was very close to, recently lost her battle with Leukemia. Every moment of every day, I miss her. Maybe you should consider repairing your relationship with your sister. Perhaps it would then make the weight loss less of a competition (sibling rivalry at it's finest! ) and it could become something you can share. Then it wouldn't matter how either of you lost it, but that you're positive support for each other. Best of luck in your weight loss journey!
Yes you can never tell what will happen tomorrow , sometimes tomorrow is to late. I think the way you feel is just part of being a human being, but the way you handle it will tell if you are a real person. Dont feel guilty of your feelings just work towards making them the right ones. Your accomplishments speaks for themselfs.0 -
You are letting someone else's positive accomplishment make you jealous and upset instead of being happy for them and congratulating them.0
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