Not giving a wedding gift??
F00LofaT00K
Posts: 688 Member
in Chit-Chat
A friend of ours is getting married on Sunday and he let us know that they are not registered for gifts, they are just asking for cash to start saving for a house. He has owed $250 to my boyfriend for the past year and after saying he would pay him back numerous times, continues to not do so. My boyfriend has given up asking for it many months ago. On top of that, my work hours have been reduced for the past several months since I am going to school at night so we're really tight on cash. If you were in the same situation, how would you handle it?
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Replies
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Tell him his gift is that he no longer has debt to your boyfriend.0
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That is the WORST breach of etiquette ever! Just send a card with well wishes and be done. That's what Dear Abby would say!0
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Tell him his gift is that he no longer has debt to your boyfriend.
^This0 -
Tell him his gift is that he no longer has debt to your boyfriend.
Works for me.0 -
Yikes how tacky. Ew. FYI You do not have to give them something from their registry, or even cash if they choose not to register. You cannot, however, give them NOTHING for their wedding. Either don't go, or give them a gift.
People tend to remember what was given to them for their wedding, and also what was NOT given. If you want to maintain this friendship for a long time then I would suggest this:
First ask them about the debt - something like "hey remember you owe we $250 - how about we make that your wedding gift!"
Then, at the wedding give them something small and thoughtful. These are your friends who are starting a life together, and that is SO special. Think of something that you really love - a crock pot, personalized towels, wine decanter something that is not very expensive but is cute and nice. You can do a lot of this for $30 ish - head to HomeGoods and shop your little heart out.
This way you set expectations low - "we are forgiving a debt" and then delivering high "we gave you a small gift instead of just forgiving debt!"
Again - these are your friends. This is not a time to settle an old score. Yes they are being tacky, but don't let that make you tacky in return.
You very rarely will regret being generous and kind. 0 -
Yikes how tacky. Ew. FYI You do not have to give them something from their registry, or even cash if they choose not to register. You cannot, however, give them NOTHING for their wedding. Either don't go, or give them a gift.
People tend to remember what was given to them for their wedding, and also what was NOT given. If you want to maintain this friendship for a long time then I would suggest this:
First ask them about the debt - something like "hey remember you owe we $250 - how about we make that your wedding gift!"
Then, at the wedding give them something small and thoughtful. These are your friends who are starting a life together, and that is SO special. Think of something that you really love - a crock pot, personalized towels, wine decanter something that is not very expensive but is cute and nice. You can do a lot of this for $30 ish - head to HomeGoods and shop your little heart out.
This way you set expectations low - "we are forgiving a debt" and then delivering high "we gave you a small gift instead of just forgiving debt!"
Again - these are your friends. This is not a time to settle an old score. Yes they are being tacky, but don't let that make you tacky in return. You very rarely will regret being generous and kind.
I think this is a good idea, but it's more up to my boyfriend about the debt. I would also hate to bring up that there even IS a debt on his wedding day so I probably won't mention it unless he brings it up. It's not really to settle a score, it's just that I REALLY don't even have an extra $30 for something small and cute between student loans, regular bills, extra gas for school (40 mile daily commute) and my reduced hours at work. I feel like $10 for a wedding gift is worse than $0 and that's all I can spare right now. Thanks for the solution. I'll talk to my boyfriend and see what he thinks. I've never been to a wedding before, is just a card a bad idea?0 -
Yikes how tacky. Ew. FYI You do not have to give them something from their registry, or even cash if they choose not to register. You cannot, however, give them NOTHING for their wedding. Either don't go, or give them a gift.
People tend to remember what was given to them for their wedding, and also what was NOT given. If you want to maintain this friendship for a long time then I would suggest this:
First ask them about the debt - something like "hey remember you owe we $250 - how about we make that your wedding gift!"
Then, at the wedding give them something small and thoughtful. These are your friends who are starting a life together, and that is SO special. Think of something that you really love - a crock pot, personalized towels, wine decanter something that is not very expensive but is cute and nice. You can do a lot of this for $30 ish - head to HomeGoods and shop your little heart out.
This way you set expectations low - "we are forgiving a debt" and then delivering high "we gave you a small gift instead of just forgiving debt!"
Again - these are your friends. This is not a time to settle an old score. Yes they are being tacky, but don't let that make you tacky in return. You very rarely will regret being generous and kind.
I think this is a good idea, but it's more up to my boyfriend about the debt. I would also hate to bring up that there even IS a debt on his wedding day so I probably won't mention it unless he brings it up. It's not really to settle a score, it's just that I REALLY don't even have an extra $30 for something small and cute between student loans, regular bills, extra gas for school (40 mile daily commute) and my reduced hours at work. I feel like $10 for a wedding gift is worse than $0 and that's all I can spare right now. Thanks for the solution. I'll talk to my boyfriend and see what he thinks. I've never been to a wedding before, is just a card a bad idea?
^^ That advice is SOLID. Rock solid.
^ Yes, just a card is a bad idea IMO...even if it is a hillbilly church wedding with just cake served, but ESPECIALLY if it is a standard/traditional wedding with a meal, bar, etc. They probably pay a lot for each guest in the latter case.
However with that said, I have been in the shoes of broke college student and brought a $10-20 gift when I really had no other choice, but I tried to make it look better...like a bottle of cheap yet interesting wine and clearance dish towels and basket from Pier 1's back wall.0 -
How close of a friend are these people?? In general - just a card is a bad idea. If you cannot afford a gift then you cannot afford to attend the wedding. It really depends on the friends, though, and what the wedding is going to be like.
I know when I first started going to friend's weddings it was a real challenge to understand all the rules/etiquette. I have learned that standard gift for a reasonable wedding is $100/couple minimum, and for a nicer wedding $200/couple. You want to pay for your plate and then give them a little something extra.
I'm sorry- I am not trying to be mean at all, and I understand cash is tight right now... but they are spending a LOT of money to throw a wedding and you should give them a gift that not only celebrates their special day, but also helps them start their life together as a married couple.
If you cannot afford a gift, then perhaps your boyfriend can?
Agreed, the debt is not something that you need to worry about or mention - ESPECIALLY on the wedding day. I was thinking of before, but the time may have passed as I'm sure they are stressing the closer the wedding gets. I just thought that you had mentioned it as an idea for a gift because your funds are tight, not as a reason to not give something.
Here's a thread that could have some good ideas and advice:
https://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=10060404065060 -
Give them a tacky toaster...0
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Write them a check for $250.00, but make it out to yourself. Put it in the card and give it to them.0
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Write them a check for $250.00, but make it out to yourself. Put it in the card and give it to them.
This, made me spit out my water. Excellent!
You can be a jerk, without being a jerk!0 -
If this is your boyfriend's friend, then it would be your boyfriend's responsibility to pay for the gift, if any. It is definitely tacky to attend a wedding without at least giving them something. And believe me, they WILL remember that. I agree with the poster above about at least giving them something small and sentimental, if you do not want to give a cash gift.0
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Enroll them in the Jelly of the Month Club. That's the gift that keeps on giving throughout the entire year.0
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A friend of ours is getting married on Sunday and he let us know that they are not registered for gifts, they are just asking for cash to start saving for a house. He has owed $250 to my boyfriend for the past year and after saying he would pay him back numerous times, continues to not do so. My boyfriend has given up asking for it many months ago. On top of that, my work hours have been reduced for the past several months since I am going to school at night so we're really tight on cash. If you were in the same situation, how would you handle it?
Are you attending their cocktail hour? Are you eating their dinner? Are you eating their cake? If you aren't going to give them a gift then I wouldn't advise going. I'm sure they realize they still owe you money, it is probably just as awkward of a situation for them. Weddings are hella expensive and I'm sure once the wedding is done and over with they will have more disposable income to pay you back.
You were invited to the wedding, you are obviously close friends. Don't ruin a friendship over a $30 gift.0 -
Enroll them in the Jelly of the Month Club. That's the gift that keeps on giving throughout the entire year.
LOL The gift that keeps on giving. Or give them herpes. That works too :laugh:0 -
"That's a thoughtful gift there Clark."Enroll them in the Jelly of the Month Club. That's the gift that keeps on giving throughout the entire year.0 -
Personally, I would not consider the debt to factor into the wedding present at all, they are two seperate issues.
While it is tacky for them to decline gifts and request money only, I also wouldn't punish them for it (some would argue registries are as well). In this situation, I would give what I would normally give and could afford. If you are the type that gives a physical gift, I would go ahead with that anyway. If you like to give money, do that.
Gifts are not required, regardless of how much the couple spent on the wedding. Period. That said, I would not attend a wedding and not give a gift. If you wish to give a gift, give what you can afford, whether that is $10 or $500. If you cannot afford one, I don't think that means you shouldn't go. I know personally I would rather have my friends at my wedding with no gift then not have them there at all.
ETA -
Also - you have up to a year to give a gift if I recall my wedding etiquette correctly. I could be wrong.0 -
Yikes how tacky. Ew. FYI You do not have to give them something from their registry, or even cash if they choose not to register. You cannot, however, give them NOTHING for their wedding. Either don't go, or give them a gift.
People tend to remember what was given to them for their wedding, and also what was NOT given. If you want to maintain this friendship for a long time then I would suggest this:
First ask them about the debt - something like "hey remember you owe we $250 - how about we make that your wedding gift!"
Then, at the wedding give them something small and thoughtful. These are your friends who are starting a life together, and that is SO special. Think of something that you really love - a crock pot, personalized towels, wine decanter something that is not very expensive but is cute and nice. You can do a lot of this for $30 ish - head to HomeGoods and shop your little heart out.
This way you set expectations low - "we are forgiving a debt" and then delivering high "we gave you a small gift instead of just forgiving debt!"
Again - these are your friends. This is not a time to settle an old score. Yes they are being tacky, but don't let that make you tacky in return. You very rarely will regret being generous and kind.
This here is SOUND advice.
Typically it is viewed that if you can afford to go to their wedding then you can afford to get them something. I don't write the rules I just know what some of them are.
Also people WILL remember who came to their wedding and who didn't give them anything ... also, Thank You notes.... I still remember the people who's wedding I went to and gave gifts to and never received a Thank You note.....
I'm just saying that these things are remembered.
On a different note... this guy has money to get married but not to pay back your boyfriend for you years...... I swear man, some people's kids... (shaking my head)0 -
How close of a friend are these people?? In general - just a card is a bad idea. If you cannot afford a gift then you cannot afford to attend the wedding. It really depends on the friends, though, and what the wedding is going to be like.
I know when I first started going to friend's weddings it was a real challenge to understand all the rules/etiquette. I have learned that standard gift for a reasonable wedding is $100/couple minimum, and for a nicer wedding $200/couple. You want to pay for your plate and then give them a little something extra.
I'm sorry- I am not trying to be mean at all, and I understand cash is tight right now... but they are spending a LOT of money to throw a wedding and you should give them a gift that not only celebrates their special day, but also helps them start their life together as a married couple.
If you cannot afford a gift, then perhaps your boyfriend can?
Agreed, the debt is not something that you need to worry about or mention - ESPECIALLY on the wedding day. I was thinking of before, but the time may have passed as I'm sure they are stressing the closer the wedding gets. I just thought that you had mentioned it as an idea for a gift because your funds are tight, not as a reason to not give something.
Here's a thread that could have some good ideas and advice:
https://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=1006040406506
In regards to the bolded part, I hate this type of thinking. I understand it's nice for people to give cash at a wedding but at what point did it become an expectation? The wedding is only as expensive as the couple allow it to be and it's completely tacky to assume and/or expect attendees to pay $100 per plate so it covers the costs.
It's nice if people do give money but weddings shouldn't be about making money. I agree with the other person to give them a tacky toaster to match the tackiness of requesting cash.0 -
I like the forgiving the debt thing, but I don't understand wedding etiquette at all. I didn't have the kind of wedding where people gave gifts (and specifically asked people to skip it).
That bit about not going if you can't bring a gift? That's total BS in my opinion, no matter what the "rules" say. If you're invited it's because your presence is wanted.0 -
Would people really end a friendship over a $10 gift? Or not recieving one?
I remember the physical gifts that I received because I am sentimental like that. As for who did or didn't give me a gift, no clue, nor do I remember how much certain people gave me.0 -
Maybe they're asking for cash so they can pay back numerous debts...your bf included.
So, yes, I would give them something, even if it's just a $30 gift.0 -
Maybe it is because I'm in a bad mood right now, but I would get them a personalized gift (so it can't be returned), like etched pyrex or a crotchet toaster cozy.
Okay, maybe that isn't a good idea. The debt is a separate issue from the wedding gift, I would give what you normally do, but next time you go out with them (and aren't talking about weddings) give an awkward reminder that he owes your bf money.0 -
I like the forgiving the debt thing, but I don't understand wedding etiquette at all. I didn't have the kind of wedding where people gave gifts (and specifically asked people to skip it).
That bit about not going if you can't bring a gift? That's total BS in my opinion, no matter what the "rules" say. If you're invited it's because your presence is wanted.
The "rules" say a gift is not required.0 -
Enroll them in the Jelly of the Month Club. That's the gift that keeps on giving throughout the entire year.
That it is Edward...that it is!0 -
I like the forgiving the debt thing, but I don't understand wedding etiquette at all. I didn't have the kind of wedding where people gave gifts (and specifically asked people to skip it).
That bit about not going if you can't bring a gift? That's total BS in my opinion, no matter what the "rules" say. If you're invited it's because your presence is wanted.
The "rules" say a gift is not required.
Even better.0 -
Gifts are not required, regardless of how much the couple spent on the wedding. Period. That said, I would not attend a wedding and not give a gift. If you wish to give a gift, give what you can afford, whether that is $10 or $500. If you cannot afford one, I don't think that means you shouldn't go. I know personally I would rather have my friends at my wedding with no gift then not have them there at all.
THIS, so much. Gifts are nice, but they are never EVER expected. I would be heartbroken if my friends didn't come to my wedding because they couldn't afford a gift. I think a card wishing them well sounds lovely.0 -
ETA -
Also - you have up to a year to give a gift if I recall my wedding etiquette correctly. I could be wrong.
True, but within two months is ideal. If they make a stink, then maybe "gift" them the erasure of the debt later down the road, otherwise I wouldn't deal with that at the wedding.0 -
If they told you they only want cash, then I would respect that. Don't go to HomeGoods and buy something small. I requested no gifts at my wedding and would have been upset if people showed up with crockpots and other junk that I didn't want or need.
If you can't afford a cash gift, write a note in the card - something like "Apologies that I can't help you with your down payment, but I would love to offer up free labor when you move." If they are truely your friends, they will understand and will want you at their wedding anyway.
You don't need to cover your food, cake, beverage expenses. My friends typically have $50K+ weddings. That is their choice not mine.0 -
Ok, I'm just completely floored by all of this. So many people saying that you HAVE to do something. No. You don't. If a card is what you're comfortable with financially, give them a card with your best wishes. A handwritten letter is almost free and always appreciateed.. If they judge you for that, then be extra glad you didn't spend money on them.
"Give us money instead of gifts"? If money is what you want, make it a public event and sell tickets. Asking for money is so incredibly tacky. :grumble:0
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