Can anyone help me? ( A rant, looking for opinions )

This is long, so bear with me..

I know most people on MFP are not nutritionists and have their own opinions .. but thats all Im looking for, your honest opinions and personal experiences. In a respectful manner.

Anyway, over a year ago I started losing the weight.
After doing the exercising to eat more, eating whatever I want under the sun, I lost 60LBS.
In fact, on the 1 year mark of logging, I was at goal weight.
I celebrated by eating 3 icecream cones, a whole pizza, 2 bags of gummy bears, and whatever else I could find by pounding out a day at the gym. Lost 1.5lbs that week.
It was great, I told everyone I lost the weight on Doritos. They were jealous.
I had many days where all Ive eaten that day is processed foods, breads, "junk" and pasta.

But I had found myself shakey and hungry every few hours the more and more I ate like crap.

I started eating oatmeals for breakfast, cereals for lunch, tortillas with chicken or some other kinda meat for dinner and then various snacks like popcorns, granola bars and fruit after dinner.
It didnt help.
Ii went to low fat greek yogurts, kept my snacks, more lean meat, protein shakes/bars, and smaller amounts of cereal and oats.
It didnt help.

I was still shakey and hungry.

I was so fatigued. And exercising more and more to eat more high calorie food.

I jumped on the Paleo/Primal Band wagon, lost 5 more LBS.
I was full all the time, ate great healthy meals, energy returned.

It was great, lost a bunch of water weight so muscles were more defined.
Lost some extra pounds since pasta/carbs/grains are high calorie bulk and they were gone.

Though, Started obsessing over carbs....trying to get them as low as possible.

But then I started binging on fruit. I ignored it because it was fruit.

I didnt crave any processed foods, breads, or grains - until one night I literally ate ONE M&M. ONE.
It went down my throat and a light went off, I binged to 6,000 calories on processed foods that night.
Ever since that night Ive been packing away bowls of cereal, multiple bowls of oatmeal, popcorn, bread and peanutbutter, donuts ( some I dont even like ), chips, icecream, and candy.

Ive been on a huge spree eating nothing but that stuff for almost two weeks intermittently now.
Ive put back on 3 pounds of fat, and about TEN pounds of water weight.
My entire body is bloated and squishy. I feel fat again.
Either I have a sugar addiction going on, or I was more deprived than I thought?

ignore this week in my diary ... its not normal for me to be this low. Im tryingto make a manageable week..I have to under eat a bit to try to level it out. I was eating 1780 - 1800 cal goal. But then I was hitting 5,000 a day -_-

On top of which, now Im hungry again all the time. ( Previously on higher goal, not just this week )
Even protein is triggering. When I eat a large serving of meat, I get triggered to want to go eat processed stuff.
Its so weird!

I was not under-eating because I was slowly gaining, took advantage of it and did strength training.
I drink TONSSS of water.


Health and weight loss for healthy people are two different things, Im starting to think I need to go back to just doing the calorie-math-dance.

Obviously Ive learned a bit more about health ... I would probably eat whole foods, with a little bit of grain like maybe a granola bar, some oats, whatever -- a protein shake or bar.

Bread and pasta wont likely rear their faces unless it's a special thing, mostly because I dont really like them anyway.

I need to stop OBSESSING and LABELING over macros, food types, chemicals, ingredients -- I WANT to do those things, I BELIEVE in it, but mentally I cant handle it?? Or something. Unless theres something else as play.


I also feel like that huge 4 month low carb thing I did is what struck up these weird binges for fruit, natural sugars, and carbs.
Either way, I am afraid I CANT control myself going back to eating just in my goal, in moderation, since I am now eating 1 thing and hooked like crack. It touches my tongue and Im set off like a rocket into the pantry all night long.

The other issue is Im a very nature-oriented earthy person.
I read a lot how humans dont even need carbs in their diets to function, and wernt even designed digestion-ally or prehistorically to eat it to begin with. ( Grains that is, not carbs in general ).

Its weird to go from 200 - 500g of carbs down to 30 - 80g, think of carbs as evil, then go back to eating not only carbs but foods you dont think are human-friendly??? I DONT KNOW

Now Im conflicted with that.


I want to be healthy, but I dont want to be deprived.
Ive set myself into a hole where I want to do one thing, and my body wants to do the other.

Can anyone give me their thoughts, reassurances, opinions or experiences?

I really want to be healthy .. I dont understand why I cant do what it takes to be healthy, including stop binging on crap.
Even fitting it in a balanced way into my diet, I apparently cant control myself.
And now I get disgusted when I look at processed stuff. Yet binge on it. I dont get it.
Why do I need it in my life that badly
I guess you only live once, but since I started eating processed stuff in my binges, my depression is back to where it was.


Im stuck in a fricken endless loop here.