Not the success story that most post... but...

Hey there! My name's Rose. I started out on a weight loss journey and ended up on a self-acceptance path instead!

When I joined MFP (again) I was ~116 lbs. I had very disordered thinking, decided I was going to severely restrict, and not let myself enjoy anything until I was my goal weight (a disordered 92 pounds, at 5'1". A weight I can only reach when I refuse to eat.)

Well, right off the bat, I lost 11 pounds! And I felt okay physically. Tired, lethargic at times, but okay. Emotionally? I was a complete WRECK. I was obsessing over every calorie, weighing myself multiple times a day on a bunch of different scales, working out like a freak for hours each day.

I was so unhappy and I didn't understand why. The weight was coming off, so why was I more miserable than before?

And then one day, I said "I'm going to take a break from MFP. A break from obsessing and counting and measuring. I'm just going to take a break."

That was probably the best decision I've made for myself in a long time. I spent a few days doing things I enjoyed, eating foods I loved, being with people I appreciated. I got myself some clothes that I thought would look cute on me. And, when I didn't weigh myself, I tried them on and DAMN. I thought I looked good!

Well, I came back to MFP after those few days. I weighed myself and the weight had gone back up, around 4 pounds... then the next few days, around 7... until here I am at around 112. And I have never felt better about myself than I do right now.

See, I thought losing weight would make me happy. I thought that if I spent my time consumed by guilt and self-hatred, I would finally begin to get results I wanted. I was SO WRONG.

I started logging again. But I changed my calorie goal from 600 a day to 1400 a day. I could finally eat regular meals, spend meal time with my family, and exercise without worrying about "OH I HAVE TO WORK OFF ALL THESE CALORIES!!!"

I don't know how this all clicked for me, because I've been dealing with a constant disorder for 10+ years of my life. But suddenly, here it is. I am all together. And I feel amazing.

Now I know, when I'm feeling triggered, I just need to stay away from the things triggering me, such as comparing myself to others' success. I also have started reminding myself how much my boyfriend likes my body, how much my body does for me, and how great I felt in those clothes even before I knew my weight had gone back up.

In the end, it wasn't weight loss that was making me happy. It was making healthier choices, changing my perspective, and learning to appreciate my body for what it is.

I can finally say- I feel absolutely beautiful.

These photos were from about an hour ago. I have NEVER smiled or been goofing off for bathing suit pictures. And before this past month, I've never felt okay with myself enough to wear a bikini. I'm so glad it's changed.

Thanks to all my super supportive MFP friends! Seriously, you've helped me to overcome so much.

If there's anyone who's looking for support or care or just general positivity, feel 10000% free to add me. I love talking to all of you and helping you on your journeys to self peace.