20 year old female navigating ED recovery

Hi everyone,

My name is Andrea and I'm 20 years old. I am 5'5.

In October of 2011 I began to develop disordered eating, and by March 2012 I had gone from 160lbs to 120lbs. i went into treatment and then when I was discharged in June I relapsed immediately. By December 2012 I was 95-98lbs and was admitted onto a medical ED unit. I was there for 6 weeks and then went back into treatment until late April 2013. I was discharged at 132lbs and dropped down to around 120lbs over the summer.

I went away to university in Sept 2013, and dropped to 113lbs. I then went into Intensive Outpatient for 7 weeks where I did breakfast and dinner on an ED unit and I gained to 120lbs where I stayed until April 2014 when I went back into treatment for medical instability due to alcohol abuse and excessive purging. I was weight restored to 130lbs through an NG tube, and then I came home for the summer and overshot to 135.

I am now 133lbs and I want to lose weight so badly. I'm trying to reach 2000 calories a day, although ideally I should be at 2400. However I usually don't pass 1800. I want to lose weight so, so badly. I hate how my body looks. I run now, but I want to work on toning more to try and get rid of some of this recovery fat. I consider myself recovered because I am a healthy weight, and I don't want to fall into a full blown relapse, I just want to be around 125lbs and have a more toned body.

I feel so sad lately about myself and my body and eating is mental torture. I don't know what to do. I have a dietitian in my university city who I correspond with through email and I have a therapist I see every few weeks here, but I still feel so crappy about myself. Any support or words of encouragement would be really appreciated.

Thank you so much.

Andrea