getting divorced

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  • mlanders22
    mlanders22 Posts: 140 Member
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    I understand where you're coming from. When my marriage ended, my ex and I didn't hate each other and it was very amicable.
    I think when there's a lack of negative emotions/anger/rage it's easy to be bothered by other smaller things.
  • BillRicks1
    BillRicks1 Posts: 473 Member
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    Don't feel too badly. People DO move on only at different speeds. He'll be fine and as stated above, maybe find someone more suited for his lifestyle. You appear to have moved on already. Good luck.
  • AtmaKing
    AtmaKing Posts: 145 Member
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    So I can't really post this on Facebook yet Bc of the inevitable drama, but I am getting divorced and just would like some thoughts, and advice I suppose.
    Back story, im an outgoing, people person who is constantly getting distracted by fun (I come off as pretty awesome in this story lol) and my soon to be EX a homebody that could look at a book or be alone all day and likes to study and learn boring (in my opinion) things. If you know the personality types im an ESFP and he's an INTJ.

    Thing is...im not really sad about leaving the marriage. I tried a couple times before, we just are super different. What makes me sad is little things. Our checking accounts are still connected and I get alerts that he is overdrawn even though he's got the money to pay his bills, I had to leave my cats with him Bc he kept the house (didn't want to stay there its not worth anything) and now he's got to be responsible for those cats all alone, and I think of him eating alone in his home that he loves with no one else.

    its like pity that I feel for him, I don't want to try to work it out Bc I've tried.
    Anyone else gone thru this type of emotions while going thru a divorce?

    As and ENTJ I can relate to your husband. But at the same time being and E I can 100% relate to you. I am currently in this process as well, actually should be done on the 24th of June. Although emotionally we've been done for 2 years now. I've got 2 kids so it like the cats but on a much more difficult level. I left my house and things but took the kids. I didn’t leave before I knew it was over and that I had tried everything. It took me time to recover. But you will. I honestly felt bad for her, she was the mother of my kids and cannot support herself. However you must understand you gave him the tools to change but he was too comfortable to do so. Maybe now he will do something for himself, or not. Either way its not on you its on him. That being said it is hard to let someone you love fail. But sometimes its the best thing for them for their life to be better as well as yours. Good Luck and if you need anything I can possibly provide ask.
  • EddieHaskell97
    EddieHaskell97 Posts: 2,227 Member
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    ESFP, INTJ... GTFO! God will smite you!
    "I permit no woman to teach or have authority over men; she is to keep silent." Timothy 2:11 :laugh:

    Okay, now that the nonsensical holy roller crap is out of the way.

    I am saddened that you and your (ex) husband had to go through a divorce. There's pretty much nothing more stressful, and I hope you both find happiness in the future.
  • GBrady43068
    GBrady43068 Posts: 1,256 Member
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    ESFP, INTJ... GTFO! God will smite you!
    "I permit no woman to teach or have authority over men; she is to keep silent." Timothy 2:11 :laugh:

    Okay, now that the nonsensical holy roller crap is out of the way.
    :huh: :huh: :huh: :huh: :huh: :huh: :huh: :huh: :huh: :huh: :huh:
  • BrainyBurro
    BrainyBurro Posts: 6,129 Member
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    So I can't really post this on Facebook yet Bc of the inevitable drama, but I am getting divorced and just would like some thoughts, and advice I suppose.
    Back story, im an outgoing, people person who is constantly getting distracted by fun (I come off as pretty awesome in this story lol) and my soon to be EX a homebody that could look at a book or be alone all day and likes to study and learn boring (in my opinion) things. If you know the personality types im an ESFP and he's an INTJ.

    Thing is...im not really sad about leaving the marriage. I tried a couple times before, we just are super different. What makes me sad is little things. Our checking accounts are still connected and I get alerts that he is overdrawn even though he's got the money to pay his bills, I had to leave my cats with him Bc he kept the house (didn't want to stay there its not worth anything) and now he's got to be responsible for those cats all alone, and I think of him eating alone in his home that he loves with no one else.

    its like pity that I feel for him, I don't want to try to work it out Bc I've tried.
    Anyone else gone thru this type of emotions while going thru a divorce?

    you're my friend Kara and one of the coolest people on MFP. i can't relate to what it's like to go through a divorce, but i think what you're feeling is natural. just because you're no longer suited as spouses, doesn't mean you don't still care or worry about somebody. i just think feeling this way makes you a decent human being. i'm sorry to hear this news. :(

    also, you don't sound patronizing and how he's doing is your business if you still care for him as a person. this is a recent change in both of your lives... it's not as if it all happened 20 years ago and you're still worrying about whether he's paying his bills.

    :flowerforyou:
  • PRMinx
    PRMinx Posts: 4,585 Member
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    He will go on to find somebody much better suited for him, so no need to pity.

    I think you sound a bit patronizing.

    I mean, this. Really.

    And, in to say, don't pity us I's. You actually have no idea what being an INTJ means. Or what being an introvert means, in general. I'm a rock solid ISFJ. I only have one point the extrovert scale. You can't get more introverted than me. That being said, I like to go out. I like to be with people. I like to have fun. I'm very social.

    Being an introvert really means one thing - we restore ourselves and our energy levels best when we are alone. Extroverts, on the other hand, recharge by being with other people.

    If your husband would rather stay at home with a book than go out with you, then I would consider other reasons why.
  • Mr_Bad_Example
    Mr_Bad_Example Posts: 2,403 Member
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    So I can't really post this on Facebook yet Bc of the inevitable drama, but I am getting divorced and just would like some thoughts, and advice I suppose.
    Back story, im an outgoing, people person who is constantly getting distracted by fun (I come off as pretty awesome in this story lol) and my soon to be EX a homebody that could look at a book or be alone all day and likes to study and learn boring (in my opinion) things. If you know the personality types im an ESFP and he's an INTJ.

    OP, you are a saint - you do not realize how vastly you have just improved your soon to be ex's life. Also, the Meyers-Briggs personality test is a heaping load of male bovine excrement.
  • sculli123
    sculli123 Posts: 1,221 Member
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    I found out that it's too bad you can't divorce someone before you marry them, you really get to know them in ways you didn't.

    Fortunately, it seems you have no children - that's a level up iin difficulty in separating.
    Only thing is some people change over the years. I pretty much don't even know who my wife is anymore. She is like a stranger almost now it's weird.
  • odusgolp
    odusgolp Posts: 10,477 Member
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    In my situation, it was impossible to not feel some guilt and sadness when I left my husband. I still do sometimes. He struggles. I took care of him more like a mother than his own mother.

    But I did the right thing. We both know it. We still get along and "hang out" regularly with our son. But it's hard to not have empathy for him sometimes. It doesn't matter what the real situation is. I mean... technically, he did have an affair, blah blah blah. But really? It doesn't matter. It's about people and feelings and a love lost. It's hard. Time and understanding is the only thing that helps, imo.
  • happysherri
    happysherri Posts: 1,360 Member
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    I was married 10 yrs and have been divorced about 7 yrs. ....WOW, has it been 7. We have 2 kids together, now 17 yrs and 15yrs.

    For not the same reasons as you. Divorce sucks no matter what, but as others have said "people do move on". With me I found my STRENGTH and POWER, which I needed to do.

    My ex and I get a long Great now. He is an automotive technician and still will fix my car for just the cost of the part.

    I always tell people that "He's a great, kind guy, awesome father, just not a good spouse."
  • leadslinger17
    leadslinger17 Posts: 297 Member
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    This makes me sad, and I'm not judging you or telling you that you are wrong or anything. But basically the story is (as you've presented it, there is probably more) that you've decided that although this person is a good person and you care about them you are tired of accepting them for who they are. The whole "they've changed" or "I'm a different person" reason is BS to me because everyone changes all the time. Even if you find someone exactly like you are now, odds are in 10 years either you or they will be different. So if you are going to say that when someone changes you aren't going to love them anymore, just don't get married. EVER. Just say, I'm going to hang out with this person while it's convenient and feels good and then when things get boring, or tough, or "different" I'm going. Accept that whoever says they love you likewise soon they will decide you aren't exactly what they want anymore and leave you. Is it possible to love someone who is really different from you unconditionally for the rest of your life? I believe so. I just think a lot of times there is this belief that whatever else is out there is better than what you currently have, and I don't think that is the case. But again, there isn't a lot of detail here.
  • Deena_Bean
    Deena_Bean Posts: 906 Member
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    Sounds pretty normal to me. Also, note this, people are going to say stupid things and you'll probably lose some friends (which is fine, they probably weren't awesome enough to be your friends anyways). I shut down facebook before things got really into swing because I didn't want to hear it anymore. We have kids together and any time someone would say, "What about the kids?" I would want to throw something heavy and hard at their forehead. What about the kids? They are my children, do you not think that the very first thing on my mind every single morning/afternoon/evening of this time frame wasn't them?
    My children are fine - they are well adjusted to the changes and are happy.
    Right - so be prepared for stupidity, but definitely, if you are not where you should be and you just aren't right together and you tried (all things I've said/done) - then tie it up and part ways. Our split was amicable and in the beginning I felt a lot of sadness/pity for him because it was my decision. It's been 8 months since the divorce was final and longer since we were separated and the sad feeling is basically gone. Good luck to you - oh and one more thing - unless someone has gone through this at some capacity, they'll have all kinds of "helpful" advice - unsolicited usually, or they'll have mean things to say, or things like "You should try harder" etc, etc. I've heard them all and nodded and smiled through them all. If you're comfortable in your decision, don't allow their judgements and words to hurt you - I learned that one the hard way. Best of luck - and yes, get separate accounts pronto. That's gonna get weird. Sorry about the kitties, too...

    ((ETA: Nobody knows the whole story of your life with that person - not all of the details - so when they say "you shouldn't leave because they're "different" - they don't know how different, or that maybe you didn't realize the differences soon enough. For me "we are too different" was really a nice way to say it was over --- but most definitely left out PLENTY of critical information....plenty of other colorful details. People judge the surface decision without knowing or even caring what the entire story is. This has been my experience.))
  • lisantilli81
    lisantilli81 Posts: 4
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    My ex-husband and I were complete opposite as well (even on the Meyers-Briggs personality test), but he was the outgoing one and I was the "homebody." Sure, I opened up a lot over the years and became tons less shy, but I will always be me and he couldn't handle it after many years. He told me he only married me (and stayed with me for so long) because he felt sorry for me . . . . not a good reason to get married.

    I can respect what you are going through and how you feel, since I understand why my ex felt the way he did about me. I'm not going to lie, even though I was completely unhappy in my marriage, it was rough to accept the fact that it was over. Change is not a good thing in my book, unless it's a change I want, and neither is unknown. But, I went from barely making it through the day to just surviving to finally now thriving (most days). Honestly, my ex did me a favor and even though we have many differences and don't agree on anything, I thank him for cheating (not saying you should cheat). I wouldn't be the stronger person I am today if I was still with him. And I am so much happier.
  • sculli123
    sculli123 Posts: 1,221 Member
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    This makes me sad, and I'm not judging you or telling you that you are wrong or anything. But basically the story is (as you've presented it, there is probably more) that you've decided that although this person is a good person and you care about them you are tired of accepting them for who they are. The whole "they've changed" or "I'm a different person" reason is BS to me because everyone changes all the time. Even if you find someone exactly like you are now, odds are in 10 years either you or they will be different. So if you are going to say that when someone changes you aren't going to love them anymore, just don't get married. EVER. Just say, I'm going to hang out with this person while it's convenient and feels good and then when things get boring, or tough, or "different" I'm going. Accept that whoever says they love you likewise soon they will decide you aren't exactly what they want anymore and leave you. Is it possible to love someone who is really different from you unconditionally for the rest of your life? I believe so. I just think a lot of times there is this belief that whatever else is out there is better than what you currently have, and I don't think that is the case. But again, there isn't a lot of detail here.
    Yeah I kind of feel the same way. I stuck it out with my wife through a lot of things including life and death health issues she had going on for years. I now KNOW she would not have done the same with me. When things got hectic / stressful for me she took off once she had the chance even though it was just temporary and things were good already by the time she actually left. Loyalty isn't what it used to be.
  • PRMinx
    PRMinx Posts: 4,585 Member
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    My ex-husband and I were complete opposite as well (even on the Meyers-Briggs personality test), but he was the outgoing one and I was the "homebody." Sure, I opened up a lot over the years and became tons less shy, but I will always be me and he couldn't handle it after many years. He told me he only married me (and stayed with me for so long) because he felt sorry for me . . . . not a good reason to get married.

    The Meyers-Briggs test is not prescriptive to being "shy" or a "homebody".
  • devil_in_a_blue_dress
    devil_in_a_blue_dress Posts: 5,214 Member
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    So I can't really post this on Facebook yet Bc of the inevitable drama, but I am getting divorced and just would like some thoughts, and advice I suppose.
    Back story, im an outgoing, people person who is constantly getting distracted by fun (I come off as pretty awesome in this story lol) and my soon to be EX a homebody that could look at a book or be alone all day and likes to study and learn boring (in my opinion) things. If you know the personality types im an ESFP and he's an INTJ.

    Thing is...im not really sad about leaving the marriage. I tried a couple times before, we just are super different. What makes me sad is little things. Our checking accounts are still connected and I get alerts that he is overdrawn even though he's got the money to pay his bills, I had to leave my cats with him Bc he kept the house (didn't want to stay there its not worth anything) and now he's got to be responsible for those cats all alone, and I think of him eating alone in his home that he loves with no one else.

    its like pity that I feel for him, I don't want to try to work it out Bc I've tried.
    Anyone else gone thru this type of emotions while going thru a divorce?

    you're my friend Kara and one of the coolest people on MFP. i can't relate to what it's like to go through a divorce, but i think what you're feeling is natural. just because you're no longer suited as spouses, doesn't mean you don't still care or worry about somebody. i just think feeling this way makes you a decent human being. i'm sorry to hear this news. :(

    also, you don't sound patronizing and how he's doing is your business if you still care for him as a person. this is a recent change in both of your lives... it's not as if it all happened 20 years ago and you're still worrying about whether he's paying his bills.

    :flowerforyou:

    I don't think anyone has said she shouldn't care. But saying you pity somebody because they are all alone, when you just got done saying they enjoy solitude and alone time kind of is patronizing. His situation might make her sad, if she were in it -- but she has to consider the real possibility that he isn't as sad as she imagines or that he might take this opportunity to find a person better suited to his personality.

    I am not saying that to be a jerk at all. Sometimes it's easy to get lost in your own head and, as this is a very recent thing, it might not be something she hasn't fully considered. I have never been divorced, but have gone though a tremendously hard break up with a guy who was great -- just not for me. I felt a lot of guilt because I thought I ruined his life. That was pretty short sighted of me because it assumed he would never be as happy with anyone else as he was with me. Of course that's not how I thought I meant it at the time, but in retrospect that's what it was.
  • PRMinx
    PRMinx Posts: 4,585 Member
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    So I can't really post this on Facebook yet Bc of the inevitable drama, but I am getting divorced and just would like some thoughts, and advice I suppose.
    Back story, im an outgoing, people person who is constantly getting distracted by fun (I come off as pretty awesome in this story lol) and my soon to be EX a homebody that could look at a book or be alone all day and likes to study and learn boring (in my opinion) things. If you know the personality types im an ESFP and he's an INTJ.

    Thing is...im not really sad about leaving the marriage. I tried a couple times before, we just are super different. What makes me sad is little things. Our checking accounts are still connected and I get alerts that he is overdrawn even though he's got the money to pay his bills, I had to leave my cats with him Bc he kept the house (didn't want to stay there its not worth anything) and now he's got to be responsible for those cats all alone, and I think of him eating alone in his home that he loves with no one else.

    its like pity that I feel for him, I don't want to try to work it out Bc I've tried.
    Anyone else gone thru this type of emotions while going thru a divorce?

    you're my friend Kara and one of the coolest people on MFP. i can't relate to what it's like to go through a divorce, but i think what you're feeling is natural. just because you're no longer suited as spouses, doesn't mean you don't still care or worry about somebody. i just think feeling this way makes you a decent human being. i'm sorry to hear this news. :(

    also, you don't sound patronizing and how he's doing is your business if you still care for him as a person. this is a recent change in both of your lives... it's not as if it all happened 20 years ago and you're still worrying about whether he's paying his bills.

    :flowerforyou:

    I don't think anyone has said she shouldn't care. But saying you pity somebody because they are all alone, when you just got done saying they enjoy solitude and alone time kind of is patronizing. His situation might make her sad, if she were in it -- but she has to consider the real possibility that he isn't as sad as she imagines or that he might take this opportunity to find a person better suited to his personality.

    I am not saying that to be a jerk at all. Sometimes it's easy to get lost in your own head and, as this is a very recent thing, it might not be something she hasn't fully considered. I have never been divorced, but have gone though a tremendously hard break up with a guy who was great -- just not for me. I felt a lot of guilt because I thought I ruined his life. That was pretty short sighted of me because it assumed he would never be as happy with anyone else as he was with me. Of course that's not how I thought I meant it at the time, but in retrospect that's what it was.

    Extremely well said. As always. :flowerforyou:
  • Alisontheice
    Alisontheice Posts: 9,624 Member
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    I'm divorced. My husband and I just grew apart. I think really I grew up and he didn't. At first I felt a little bad for him but then though what a ****head.

    I run into him often as we belong to the same sports club. I feel worse for him now that I have moved on, have a family and as far as I know he's still alone...and is almost 50 and obviously dyes his hair and tries to wear it in too youthful a style.

    It's natural to think what you do about someone you shared a life with. Good luck with everything.

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