getting divorced
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My ex-husband and I were complete opposite as well (even on the Meyers-Briggs personality test), but he was the outgoing one and I was the "homebody." Sure, I opened up a lot over the years and became tons less shy, but I will always be me and he couldn't handle it after many years. He told me he only married me (and stayed with me for so long) because he felt sorry for me . . . . not a good reason to get married.
The Meyers-Briggs test is not prescriptive to being "shy" or a "homebody".
You're right, it's not. I was saying that my ex and I were complete opposites, him being the outgoing one and me being the shy one (since the OP mentioned her soon-to-be ex and her are complete opposites). My ex and I even were complete opposites on the Meyers-Briggs test (like here and her soon-to-be ex are).0 -
He will go on to find somebody much better suited for him, so no need to pity.
I think you sound a bit patronizing.
I mean, this. Really.
And, in to say, don't pity us I's. You actually have no idea what being an INTJ means. Or what being an introvert means, in general. I'm a rock solid ISFJ. I only have one point the extrovert scale. You can't get more introverted than me. That being said, I like to go out. I like to be with people. I like to have fun. I'm very social.
Being an introvert really means one thing - we restore ourselves and our energy levels best when we are alone. Extroverts, on the other hand, recharge by being with other people.
If your husband would rather stay at home with a book than go out with you, then I would consider other reasons why.
^Both of these. Knowing your MBTI type doesn't mean much if you don't understand the instrument. Your MBTI type is a preference - everyone has the ability to use both sides of each dyad, and as the above poster said, the E-I dyad has nothing to do with how social you are.
Divorce is always hard, even when it's amicable. But you do sound patronizing. Maybe he is sitting at home alone with the cats in the house that he loves and is sad. Maybe he's sitting at home with the cats in the house that he loves and is relieved that he doesn't have to hear you complain about the house anymore.
Maybe he's not home at all and is out socializing and dating, depleting his checking account and causing overdraft charges. Or maybe the account is overdrawn from a major issue like something with the house or one of your cats. Whatever he is doing with his life now, it's not really your business. I'm sure both of you will move on with your lives and surround yourselves with people who complement and appreciate your personalities and quirks.0 -
My ex-husband and I were complete opposite as well (even on the Meyers-Briggs personality test), but he was the outgoing one and I was the "homebody." Sure, I opened up a lot over the years and became tons less shy, but I will always be me and he couldn't handle it after many years. He told me he only married me (and stayed with me for so long) because he felt sorry for me . . . . not a good reason to get married.
The Meyers-Briggs test is not prescriptive to being "shy" or a "homebody".
You're right, it's not. I was saying that my ex and I were complete opposites, him being the outgoing one and me being the shy one (since the OP mentioned her soon-to-be ex and her are complete opposites). My ex and I even were complete opposites on the Meyers-Briggs test (like here and her soon-to-be ex are).
I guess my point is that the Meyers-Briggs test should not be viewed as a compatibility test and there are a lot of reasons why.
1. The science isn't all there.
2. People interpret it the wrong way all the time.
3. People test on a scale. I may be an J, but I'm a J that's very close to the P on the scale.
4. People use this particular test as a means to prescribe certain behaviors to people that may or may not be an output of their personality type. This prescription is dangerous and wholly unfair.
There are probably a billion other reasons why Meyers Briggs should not be used as a relationship barometer.0 -
He will go on to find somebody much better suited for him, so no need to pity.
I think you sound a bit patronizing.
I mean, this. Really.
And, in to say, don't pity us I's. You actually have no idea what being an INTJ means. Or what being an introvert means, in general. I'm a rock solid ISFJ. I only have one point the extrovert scale. You can't get more introverted than me. That being said, I like to go out. I like to be with people. I like to have fun. I'm very social.
Being an introvert really means one thing - we restore ourselves and our energy levels best when we are alone. Extroverts, on the other hand, recharge by being with other people.
If your husband would rather stay at home with a book than go out with you, then I would consider other reasons why.
^Both of these. Knowing your MBTI type doesn't mean much at all.
FIFY0 -
My husband and I went through a rough patch after 22 years together. We, well really I, contemplated divorce. He is the extrovert, I am the introvert. Before I really had explored that part of our personalities, I just thought he was loud and liked to party. I would come home from work and he would bombard me with questions and stories, following me around the house. I needed to recharge in a quiet room from being at work all day (he's disabled) and he needed to interact to recharge because he had basically been alone all day. He was overwhelming to me and I was really starting to dislike being around him at all, even though he was and is a really nice guy.
We went to marriage counseling (because he wanted to, I wasn't interested in saving our marriage at that point) and on the weekend before I was going to ask him to move out, I started thinking about our lives together and I became very sad that I was going to lose so much of my/our history. He was out of town with friends and I had a very long, sad weekend. I was able to reflect and think and really work through all of my feelings and emotions, something I hadn't been able to do because I never had a moment's peace. That's when I realized that deep down I loved him and couldn't imagine finding anyone who was a better fit or who shared the core values that we both had.
We worked things out and are happier now than we have ever been in our marriage. I am so glad I was able to work things through in my mind and realize what a mistake I was making. He now realizes that I need my quiet time and I now realize that he needs us to go out and do things where there are lots of people. I can make that compromise and so can he.0 -
"When women say "I'm a different person" it's generally code for "I'm going through an age crisis and want to do some clubbing to feel young again." It's almost as though men settle down as they get older and women devolve. "
Seriously??? What a load of CRAP. It is men AND women that change. Not just women. I have been married for 20 years and am working very hard to keep my marriage together because my husband has decided that the staying home working every day and paying bills is not what he wants anymore. So that is a purely BS comment. Age crisis is not just for women. I have changed as well, but don't want to go out clubbing. Sheesh.0 -
My ex-husband and I were complete opposite as well (even on the Meyers-Briggs personality test), but he was the outgoing one and I was the "homebody." Sure, I opened up a lot over the years and became tons less shy, but I will always be me and he couldn't handle it after many years. He told me he only married me (and stayed with me for so long) because he felt sorry for me . . . . not a good reason to get married.
The Meyers-Briggs test is not prescriptive to being "shy" or a "homebody".
You're right, it's not. I was saying that my ex and I were complete opposites, him being the outgoing one and me being the shy one (since the OP mentioned her soon-to-be ex and her are complete opposites). My ex and I even were complete opposites on the Meyers-Briggs test (like here and her soon-to-be ex are).
I guess my point is that the Meyers-Briggs test should not be viewed as a compatibility test and there are a lot of reasons why.
1. The science isn't all there.
2. People interpret it the wrong way all the time.
3. People test on a scale. I may be an J, but I'm a J that's very close to the P on the scale.
4. People use this particular test as a means to prescribe certain behaviors to people that may or may not be an output of their personality type. This prescription is dangerous and wholly unfair.
There are probably a billion other reasons why Meyers Briggs should not be used as a relationship barometer.
That made me smile, because it's so true! It's not a compatibility test and shouldn't be used as such, just like zodiac signs. It does offer some insight into how a certain person works, but it does not define that person.
When I took the test, I did so with someone who explained the results to me. I am a very strong I, but almost middle of the road with T and F.
In the end, people are compatible because they just work together and they love each other. Love is a choice, a decision, a judgment, and a promise.0 -
I'm sure he's just fine. If you actually felt bad for him, you wouldn't be posting it on the internet, making him sound like a sad sack.0
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So I can't really post this on Facebook yet Bc of the inevitable drama, but I am getting divorced and just would like some thoughts, and advice I suppose.
Back story, im an outgoing, people person who is constantly getting distracted by fun (I come off as pretty awesome in this story lol) and my soon to be EX a homebody that could look at a book or be alone all day and likes to study and learn boring (in my opinion) things. If you know the personality types im an ESFP and he's an INTJ.
Thing is...im not really sad about leaving the marriage. I tried a couple times before, we just are super different. What makes me sad is little things. Our checking accounts are still connected and I get alerts that he is overdrawn even though he's got the money to pay his bills, I had to leave my cats with him Bc he kept the house (didn't want to stay there its not worth anything) and now he's got to be responsible for those cats all alone, and I think of him eating alone in his home that he loves with no one else.
its like pity that I feel for him, I don't want to try to work it out Bc I've tried.
Anyone else gone thru this type of emotions while going thru a divorce?
I'm a rare, elusive female INTJ. I wonder if you post was cut off, because the "awesomeness" that you claim to have is not in here.
It doesn't sound like you ever understood your soon-to-be-ex (STBX). A lot of ESFP's are full of drama and partying and near-constant socializing. Have you ever considered that he might feel sad for YOU because you can't find enough fulfillment on your own that you need other people? He might feel sad for you because honestly, all the drama and partying and stuff is kind of childish. The silence might be refreshing.
For all you know, he could have removed himself and his money from the overdrawn checking account and now you're piling up the bills - you need to check that. If he really does have the money to pay his stuff, it's obviously not in that checking account, and if it's a joint account, you're just as responsible for those fees.
It really isn't "sad" that he's alone. Not everyone needs to rely on the presence of either people and turn everything into a social event. Perhaps you should do some soul-searching and consider why you dislike your own company so much. If you really and truly think that caring for some cats is a huge ordeal, then you really need to sit back and consider your lifestyle.
Feeling pity isn't abnormal, but you're not coming from a place of caring for your spouse. You feel bad for him because you feel superior and that your life is so much better than his and it's never even crossed your mind that people might be feeling pity for you instead.0 -
I am going through the a divorce right now. In my eyes, a lot of couples get married and believe things will either somehow change with the other person, or you will change to be more alike. It never works.
The tough part about the whole thing is that you are never in the same place feeling-wise as the other person during the process. One person is always done before the other, we feel bad at different times, etc. I hope things level off soon in my case - and yours.
Good luck.0 -
Sometimes marriages just aren't right. Probably shouldn't have gotten married int the first place but sometimes it's hard to see that going in. Good luck to you both.0
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So I can't really post this on Facebook yet Bc of the inevitable drama, but I am getting divorced and just would like some thoughts, and advice I suppose.
Back story, im an outgoing, people person who is constantly getting distracted by fun (I come off as pretty awesome in this story lol) and my soon to be EX a homebody that could look at a book or be alone all day and likes to study and learn boring (in my opinion) things. If you know the personality types im an ESFP and he's an INTJ.
Thing is...im not really sad about leaving the marriage. I tried a couple times before, we just are super different. What makes me sad is little things. Our checking accounts are still connected and I get alerts that he is overdrawn even though he's got the money to pay his bills, I had to leave my cats with him Bc he kept the house (didn't want to stay there its not worth anything) and now he's got to be responsible for those cats all alone, and I think of him eating alone in his home that he loves with no one else.
its like pity that I feel for him, I don't want to try to work it out Bc I've tried.
Anyone else gone thru this type of emotions while going thru a divorce?
I'm a rare, elusive female INTJ. I wonder if you post was cut off, because the "awesomeness" that you claim to have is not in here.
It doesn't sound like you ever understood your soon-to-be-ex (STBX). A lot of ESFP's are full of drama and partying and near-constant socializing. Have you ever considered that he might feel sad for YOU because you can't find enough fulfillment on your own that you need other people? He might feel sad for you because honestly, all the drama and partying and stuff is kind of childish. The silence might be refreshing.
For all you know, he could have removed himself and his money from the overdrawn checking account and now you're piling up the bills - you need to check that. If he really does have the money to pay his stuff, it's obviously not in that checking account, and if it's a joint account, you're just as responsible for those fees.
It really isn't "sad" that he's alone. Not everyone needs to rely on the presence of either people and turn everything into a social event. Perhaps you should do some soul-searching and consider why you dislike your own company so much. If you really and truly think that caring for some cats is a huge ordeal, then you really need to sit back and consider your lifestyle.
Feeling pity isn't abnormal, but you're not coming from a place of caring for your spouse. You feel bad for him because you feel superior and that your life is so much better than his and it's never even crossed your mind that people might be feeling pity for you instead.
QFT
---> also an INTJ (and I hate to feed into the drama that this post was looking for, but I just wanted to high five VelveteenArab!)0 -
Perhaps each of us have moments in our lives when it feels like time slows down or the air becomes still and everything around us seems to draw in, marking that moment as one we will never forget.
My dad giving his response to my concerns was such a moment for me. With a knowing smile he said, “You’re being totally selfish. So I’m going to make this really simple: marriage isn’t for you. You don’t marry to make yourself happy, you marry to make someone else happy. More than that, your marriage isn’t for yourself, you’re marrying for a family. Marriage isn’t for you. It’s not about you. Marriage is about the person you married.”
It went against the grain of today’s “Walmart philosophy”, which is if it doesn’t make you happy, you can take it back and get a new one.
No, a true marriage (and true love) is never about you. It’s about the person you love—their wants, their needs, their hopes, and their dreams. Selfishness demands, “What’s in it for me?”, while Love asks, “What can I give?”
For many months, my heart had been hardening with a mixture of fear and resentment. Then, after the pressure had built up to where neither of us could stand it, emotions erupted. I was callous. I was selfish. My side of the marriage had become all about me. This awful realization brought me to tears.
To all who are reading this article—married, almost married, single, or even the sworn bachelor or bachelorette—I want you to know that marriage isn’t for you. No true relationship of love is for you. Love is about the person you love.
And, paradoxically, the more you truly love that person, the more love you receive. And not just from your significant other, but from their friends and their family and thousands of others you never would have met had your love remained self-centered.
Truly, love and marriage isn’t for you. It’s for others.0 -
Perhaps each of us have moments in our lives when it feels like time slows down or the air becomes still and everything around us seems to draw in, marking that moment as one we will never forget.
My dad giving his response to my concerns was such a moment for me. With a knowing smile he said, “You’re being totally selfish. So I’m going to make this really simple: marriage isn’t for you. You don’t marry to make yourself happy, you marry to make someone else happy. More than that, your marriage isn’t for yourself, you’re marrying for a family. Marriage isn’t for you. It’s not about you. Marriage is about the person you married.”
It went against the grain of today’s “Walmart philosophy”, which is if it doesn’t make you happy, you can take it back and get a new one.
No, a true marriage (and true love) is never about you. It’s about the person you love—their wants, their needs, their hopes, and their dreams. Selfishness demands, “What’s in it for me?”, while Love asks, “What can I give?”
For many months, my heart had been hardening with a mixture of fear and resentment. Then, after the pressure had built up to where neither of us could stand it, emotions erupted. I was callous. I was selfish. My side of the marriage had become all about me. This awful realization brought me to tears.
To all who are reading this article—married, almost married, single, or even the sworn bachelor or bachelorette—I want you to know that marriage isn’t for you. No true relationship of love is for you. Love is about the person you love.
And, paradoxically, the more you truly love that person, the more love you receive. And not just from your significant other, but from their friends and their family and thousands of others you never would have met had your love remained self-centered.
Truly, love and marriage isn’t for you. It’s for others.
Love this! God should be number one in your marriage0 -
Perhaps each of us have moments in our lives when it feels like time slows down or the air becomes still and everything around us seems to draw in, marking that moment as one we will never forget.
My dad giving his response to my concerns was such a moment for me. With a knowing smile he said, “You’re being totally selfish. So I’m going to make this really simple: marriage isn’t for you. You don’t marry to make yourself happy, you marry to make someone else happy. More than that, your marriage isn’t for yourself, you’re marrying for a family. Marriage isn’t for you. It’s not about you. Marriage is about the person you married.”
It went against the grain of today’s “Walmart philosophy”, which is if it doesn’t make you happy, you can take it back and get a new one.
No, a true marriage (and true love) is never about you. It’s about the person you love—their wants, their needs, their hopes, and their dreams. Selfishness demands, “What’s in it for me?”, while Love asks, “What can I give?”
For many months, my heart had been hardening with a mixture of fear and resentment. Then, after the pressure had built up to where neither of us could stand it, emotions erupted. I was callous. I was selfish. My side of the marriage had become all about me. This awful realization brought me to tears.
To all who are reading this article—married, almost married, single, or even the sworn bachelor or bachelorette—I want you to know that marriage isn’t for you. No true relationship of love is for you. Love is about the person you love.
And, paradoxically, the more you truly love that person, the more love you receive. And not just from your significant other, but from their friends and their family and thousands of others you never would have met had your love remained self-centered.
Truly, love and marriage isn’t for you. It’s for others.
Here is a link to the original author of this article.
http://sethadamsmith.com/2013/11/02/marriage-isnt-for-you/0 -
There are lots of marriages/divorces that at the time seemed right, but in the end aren't.
My mom and father have been divorced for 8 years. Best thing that ever happened for my family.
My mom liked to interact with people, but she could also spend lots of time by herself (or with me).
My father honestly was a hermit, and just wanted someone to take care of him. But he was either in the basement or sleeping.
Some people just aren't meant for each other and you can try to fit in a square puzzle piece into a circle slot, but it isn't going to work.
(End story: My father has lived with his parents since my parents divorced... his mom now takes care of him, just like my mom used to have to. He hasn't changed.)0 -
Perhaps each of us have moments in our lives when it feels like time slows down or the air becomes still and everything around us seems to draw in, marking that moment as one we will never forget.
My dad giving his response to my concerns was such a moment for me. With a knowing smile he said, “You’re being totally selfish. So I’m going to make this really simple: marriage isn’t for you. You don’t marry to make yourself happy, you marry to make someone else happy. More than that, your marriage isn’t for yourself, you’re marrying for a family. Marriage isn’t for you. It’s not about you. Marriage is about the person you married.”
It went against the grain of today’s “Walmart philosophy”, which is if it doesn’t make you happy, you can take it back and get a new one.
No, a true marriage (and true love) is never about you. It’s about the person you love—their wants, their needs, their hopes, and their dreams. Selfishness demands, “What’s in it for me?”, while Love asks, “What can I give?”
For many months, my heart had been hardening with a mixture of fear and resentment. Then, after the pressure had built up to where neither of us could stand it, emotions erupted. I was callous. I was selfish. My side of the marriage had become all about me. This awful realization brought me to tears.
To all who are reading this article—married, almost married, single, or even the sworn bachelor or bachelorette—I want you to know that marriage isn’t for you. No true relationship of love is for you. Love is about the person you love.
And, paradoxically, the more you truly love that person, the more love you receive. And not just from your significant other, but from their friends and their family and thousands of others you never would have met had your love remained self-centered.
Truly, love and marriage isn’t for you. It’s for others.
I've always felt this way about marriage being a single woman. As much as I'd like to get married someday I would want to bring as much to the person I marry as I hope he would bring to me.0 -
Perhaps each of us have moments in our lives when it feels like time slows down or the air becomes still and everything around us seems to draw in, marking that moment as one we will never forget.
My dad giving his response to my concerns was such a moment for me. With a knowing smile he said, “You’re being totally selfish. So I’m going to make this really simple: marriage isn’t for you. You don’t marry to make yourself happy, you marry to make someone else happy. More than that, your marriage isn’t for yourself, you’re marrying for a family. Marriage isn’t for you. It’s not about you. Marriage is about the person you married.”
It went against the grain of today’s “Walmart philosophy”, which is if it doesn’t make you happy, you can take it back and get a new one.
No, a true marriage (and true love) is never about you. It’s about the person you love—their wants, their needs, their hopes, and their dreams. Selfishness demands, “What’s in it for me?”, while Love asks, “What can I give?”
For many months, my heart had been hardening with a mixture of fear and resentment. Then, after the pressure had built up to where neither of us could stand it, emotions erupted. I was callous. I was selfish. My side of the marriage had become all about me. This awful realization brought me to tears.
To all who are reading this article—married, almost married, single, or even the sworn bachelor or bachelorette—I want you to know that marriage isn’t for you. No true relationship of love is for you. Love is about the person you love.
And, paradoxically, the more you truly love that person, the more love you receive. And not just from your significant other, but from their friends and their family and thousands of others you never would have met had your love remained self-centered.
Truly, love and marriage isn’t for you. It’s for others.
I hope you just forgot to give credit to Seth Adam Smith for this article.0 -
Hi, I don't know you, and I'm sorry if other's who don't know you are coming in here and projecting.
I gather from your OP that you are just two people who did not work out for one another due to varied interests, not anyone being an alcoholic or anything.
You are not in the position of having to act all "don't give a damn" about him and are in the position of most people where it's a break up and there are lots of confusing and conflicting feelings.
It seems like you do remember why you sought out this remedy in the first place and just try to remind yourself that when you make an omelette some eggs may get broken. He will figure out his finances, maybe you've been doing that or maybe he is sad (you are) and his sadness puts him in IDGAF mode? Either way you made this decision for a reason and you're gonna feel some feels, it's to be expected. Sorry you are going through this, doesn't sound easy. :flowerforyou:0 -
" The great danger for family life, in the midst of any society whose idols are pleasure, comfort, and independence, lies in the fact that people close their hearts and become selfish," -John Paul II.
[I give credit to my sources. Thanks.]0
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