I am not giving up

My story: In 2008 I left an abusive marriage, my weight had gone from 160s to the 220s... by 2010 I was back to enjoying life, at a healthy weight (170s), running regularly. I had regained some of the weight, but was reasonably happy and healthy. I was running regularly and feeling good. In October 2011 I got serious (for the fourth time in my life) to lose the weight "once and for all". In March 2012 I was at a near low weight-wise (150s) and enjoying clothes shopping, running, horseback riding, and hiking.

In January 2013 I signed up for my first full marathon and ran the Flying Pig May 5 2013. I trained diligently, but gained 8 pounds during the 3 week taper. My time sucked, but I finished. After the race I went into what I call “post goal depression” - I all but stopped running. I was a busy musician and I stopped playing music. I didn’t (and still don’t) want to do anything I used to do. And in one year I gained 40 pounds.

I had pain before the marathon. But I was 50 year old runner and training hard, and everything hurt, so I didn’t think much of it… although I did go to a sport doc in March before the race and received an intramuscular shot of anti-inflammatory meds that got me through the race. But after the run, the pain became intense. Over the weeks and months that followed the pain became more frequent and debilitating… After seeing multiple doctors - three of which told me it was all “in my head” - I finally saw a OBGYN and she worked with me to control the pain with hormones (which I did not want to do long term). But it didn’t help anyway. Over Thanksgiving and Christmas there were days I could not walk without screaming in pain. I gained more weight.

Feb 12 2014 I had a complete hysterectomy. All I could think of was after surgery I could get back to my former healthy self - even though I was 50 pounds heavier. Thing is, I am better physically, but mentally I not getting better. I feel I am spiraling further out of control. I have tried to return to running… but I am heavy, clumsy, injury prone at this weight, and very discouraged.

I am not just fat, I am now obese - and scared. Diabetes is rampant in my family. My blood pressure spikes to dangerous levels. I worry that I am at risk for a stroke. I am embarrassed to be seen by anyone that hasn’t seen me in the past year. And I can't seem to get out of this dark hole.

I am beginning therapy this Tuesday, and I pray it helps. I refuse to give up, but I have to find a new path to wellness because the old one is no longer working. So in addition to seeking help for what I assume is depression, I am now here to try to find a way to eat "normally". If you're still reading, thanks. We all have a story, and now you know mine