Hard times, gaining weight fear, help?

I was bulimic for a long time, so my heart goes out to you. I understand the terror of putting weight back on, even when your rational self knows it's part of the healing process.

The only things that truly led me to recovery was an eating order specialist and free group therapy through ANAD.org. My individual counselor charged me on a sliding scale, so it was doable. And frankly, much cheaper than all the food I used to buy (and get rid of).

Recovery from an ED is just so, so hard. I quit drinking and drugging some years back, but I think the ED was harder in terms of recovery. We have to eat or we die. We can't opt out of eating like we can with other substances. None of my recovery work was a walk in the park, and there were different challenges for different things, but I understand too well what you're going through.

You deserve a ton of support and praise for starting on the road to recovery, so know how much I admire you. Losing or gaining weight after an ED is a real minefield, but it can be done. It is crucial to work on the emotional and psychological aspects of this illness. My self hatred dragged me down like nothing else. Feelings of fear and anxiety swept over me and made me frantic. Only by binging or starving or other purge activities could I calm myself down. Nowadays I do the work to soothe myself, to regulate my emotions to sit myself down and say, "Okay, what's up?"

I found the Dialectical Behavior Therapy workbook on Bulimia extremely helpful in my recovery. My best to you.