20 years old, depressed (lengthy)

Ahmanderrr · June 2014

Hello! I'm new here! I've been on and off on this site for a while. I finally made a new account and decided to do things the right way this time. I just turned 20, and I'm a junior in college. Last year, I worked really hard on myself- my highest weight was 226 and I dropped to 185, hit a plateau, and basically gave up. I moved to college in Iowa where I was motivated to lose.

However, I suffer from depression very badly, and have been since I was about 12. I've always been a binge eater, for as long as I can remember. I've always been that "fat kid", and I've been made fun of a lot when I was younger. My binges can get bad. Daily even (3,000+). I jumped back up to 213 within 6 months and I'm so ashamed of myself.

In January, I decided to take a semester off of school. I withdrew and moved back to Wisconsin. In August, I'm moving back to Iowa. However, my depression has took its toll on me. This might be triggering, but in March I decided to end my life- and clearly failed. When I was let out of the hospital, my case manager said to me "Your parents insurance does not cover any outpatient help, and because you have insurance the state will not help you either." I was let out, with nowhere to go for help. My parents and I searched for hours online, and we could not afford to pay for anything out of pocket (I am already taking on a $8,000 bill from this- which has been sent to collectors already). So, therapy, nutrition is not an option, because insurance doesn't cover, and because I have insurance I can't receive any help. I have flipped on and off medications before, and I never had anything that helped.

Financially, I am struggling badly. I go to a private college, and my loans are so high already. I am moving off campus because the cost to go there will be so much cheaper (which is why I'm moving back). However now I have to focus on paying rent, paying the doctor bill, paying my phone bill, credit card bill, another loan. I am being made to work full-time and going to school full-time in fall. I don't know how I will even have enough money to eat. All these future issues are causing me to binge eat and gain weight back like crazy.

I worry about my parents. My dad works 7 days a week (12+ hour days) and my mom does as much as she can to help out. My parents are fully supportive and they help me out as much as possible- however they make little money themselves. Lately it's been so bad that our grocery shopping has been a package of hotdogs, buns, two loaves of bread, peanut butter & jelly. Somehow I still find food to binge so much.

I know this has nothing to do with weight loss, I apologize but it just feels good to let this out. Anyway, weight loss has been a big issue for me. Ever since I was little, I was always made fun of. My mom, sister and dad were all very thin and everybody was quick to point out that I was fat. In school, I was considered the "fat friend". No boys wanted to talk to me. They still don't. I was told by an extended family member that if somebody fell in love with me- "It would be because of my personality and not because of my looks". People know I'm very sensitive about my weight. Just the other day my friends brother told me: "You're so fat and ugly you should hang yourself." That almost sent me in tears, whether he was kidding or not.

I love to work out, I really do. I just binge so much. It's been a habit since I was a little kid. I know what makes me tick off to eat thousands of calories, that working out doesn't even matter to me anymore. My gym membership expired and I have no money to buy another one, so I don't really know what else to do. I'm taking online classes to avoid loan repayments, and I work 12+ hour days. I sound so busy, but believe me I will find time to binge. The only times I have to work out is between 5:00-8:00 am, and I'm so tired that I say screw it. I'm at a loss of what to do.

I know losing weight will not solve any problems, but it's one of the things that I want to take control of. I want to stop this horrible binging cycle, lose weight and just be healthy. I'm back up to pre-diabetic, so I don't want to get diabetes.

I'm looking for friends on here to help motivate me and help me be on track. I can't do this by myself!

Thank you for reading this!

tmj4477 · June 2014

Go to this site they may be able to help you

http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/find-help-support

RAWR_ImaDinosaur · June 2014

I have a very similar background to you. Almost identical, actually. I'm sure you probably have but, I would see if your school offers counseling services. I am also 20, also heading into my junior year. I started out college at around 230 and now am around 188 after restarting my diet recently. Reading your story reminds me exactly of where I've been and where I still am in a lot of ways. If you ever want someone to talk or just vent to feel free to message me

fullersun35 · June 2014

Maybe if you address some of the chaos in your life, you can destress a little and focus on your health. For example, why are you in an out of state private college if no one in the family has money to help? It's such a waste when there are perfectly good state schools. My little sister did the same thing and now makes $35K a year and has $50K student loan debt. She struggles every month to pay her bills and likely will for the next 20 years. How are you going to pay your student loan bills with a pyschology degree? Start making smart decisions and you will be happier in the long run.

TAMayorga · June 2014

Hon, I wish I could find the wise words to help you. You have a crazy load of stress in front of you right now. Try to focus on one thing at a time that you can work on. For example, take pride in the on-line courses you are doing - they are a step toward your degree. Fullersun suggested finding a college/university in-state; is it possible to live at home and attend school? MUCH cheaper! I did that myself (granted 30 years ago). Try to take baby steps to get healthier. Walk a little more. When you have a choice between sitting still and moving, move. Don't focus on how much weight you have to lose, that can get overwhelming; try to make healthy food choices on one day (or one meal) at a time. Try to find on-line support or on-campus support like RAWR suggested. I understand that not all anti-depressants work for everyone, but keep working with your doctor; you might find one that does the trick. I know, I'm just summarizing what others have said. I want you to know that there are those of us here who care and want you to succeed. Good luck. :flowerforyou:

fatsuitprisoner · June 2014

Like you, I, too, suffer from depression. I was clinically diagnosed a few years back, but have suffered from depression for as long as I can remember. One day for breakfast, my sweet wife made me a plate of pancakes for breakfast. Like a lot of people do, I poured a good share of syrup over my pancakes and began shoveling it into my face. In less than 30 minutes, I began to feel very angry. I felt as if the room was shrinking, and I was growing. It was like I was turing into the incredible hulk, which is an image I use a lot to explain my depression. I looked at my wife, and she could see a change in me. And then it hit me! The sugar! The sugar in the syrup!

In short, what I learned about my own depression, and this may or may not apply to you, what I learned about my own depression was that it was directly linked to what I was eating. Literally, I became what I ate - well my mood became what I ate. After really cutting down on the sugar intake: table sugars, fruit sugars and artificial sugars in sodas, etc., I was able to get off my depression meds. Although I am still battling with depression, it is NOTHING like it used to be.

So, what I am basically saying here is obviously you have some real issues. I recognize that from reading your post. All I can do is address the depression portion of your issues, because I too suffer from it, but I recognized that my food intake was what was not only causing it, but enhancing it. It is entirely possible - just possible - your binge eating aggravates your depression, and if anyone who has ever been depressed, even a little, can tell you, eating really helps you feel better. But unfortunately, it is also hurting you, too.

I am still over weight. I way 500 pounds. I am in the beginning of my war - again. The first thing I always do is cut out all sugars, grains, starches and what not immediately, because these components are what is feeding my depression, which is causing my binges.

Something to think about. It is entirely possible that you could begin to control your depression - not necessarily cure it - just by controlling your intake of sugars. Sugar is the worse product we've ever introduced into our diets as humans. It is the leading cause of disease in the world today.

Take it day by day. Although It is cheaper to eat like crap than it is to eat healthy, try to slowly cut out the sugars and you may begin feeling the clouds lift and part and begin seeing the sun again - mood wise.

I'll be thinking about you. Good luck!

oedipa_maas · June 2014

My heart goes out to you. I'm bipolar and my brother committed suicide. I know the hideous claws of mental illness.

Here's the first thing--the thing you *must* do before anything else: Track down professional help. I absolutely understand the kind of pressure you are under, but there are resources that don't cost any or little money. Another poster suggested a website. Another one is anad.org. I used them to find free group therapy for my eating disorder. If your school has a counseling center, please go there. Nothing else is going to fall into place until your mental health is stabilized.

There are nonprofits that work with people around financial issues, usually for free. I had no insurance when I had my worst mental breakdown (except a year on welfare, which really helped a lot). I ended up declaring bankruptcy due to my medical bills, and in retrospect it was the best thing for me. School loans don't get forgiven, but everything else does. It's a last resort, but a lot of people in this economy have had to go through it. Just keep it in the back of your head. Obviously you don't want it to come to that, I only bring it up so that you don't feel so utterly trapped.

You and your family should be going to food banks. There is NO shame in it. I was on food stamps so that helped me out--you might want to look into that as well.

I know what's it like to take steps to kill yourself. You must must must fight against them, but you can't do it without support. There are lots of mental illness organizations, teaching hospitals, and sliding scale psychiatrists out there. I know you must feel too overwhelmed to take it all on, but just do a little at a time. Baby steps count. And don't give up on medication. The severity of your condition calls out for some medical assistance. It doesn't mean you will be on them forever (although I do). There are tons of meds out there to try. The experimentation may suck, but I bet there is a medication or combination of medications that will help you function. Taking care of your body and health is of course very important, but please don't give up on meds just yet. They saved my life; they might save yours.

Feel free to write me at anytime. I'm pulling for you and give you a big hug.

AliceDark · June 2014

I don't have any advice, but I wanted to pop in here and say that you're not alone. I love this blog post -- it makes me cry when my depression is active and I feel like I'm in the dark, and on my better days it makes me smile and reminds me to take care of myself:

http://www.diycouturier.com/post/47249603128/21-tips-to-keep-your-****-together-when-youre

EDIT: Duh, didn't realize that MFP would edit the link! The **** should be a 4-letter word for poop that starts with "sh"

ness8484 · June 2014

I have struggled with binge eating and depression for about 10 years that I've acknowledged. And I can relate to your financial situation. It sucks! There are still days where I wonder why I'm doing any of it because I feel like I'm never going to get anywhere. Then I tell myself that even just a month ago I couldn't afford this or that or pay cash for this or that thing that came up. If you try and take on all of that stuff at the same time and make decisions about all of it at once, it won't work. I'm speaking from experience.

Some tips I can offer:
-When you are stressed and frustrated about anything take a walk down the street and back. As much as you don't want to, I promise you will feel better afterwards.
-Have you considered living at home and taking online classes for a year so you can work and save money by living at home? There are so many options for online degrees from REPUTABLE institutions now that could be a viable option.
-When the collectors call you tell them you can pay X amount a month and that's all. If they say we'll let you do that for 6 months, say okay. Then re-evaluate in 6 months.

This isn't for everyone, and it's not the route many would go, but it's working for me. My $50K in student loans are in forebearance for a year (meaning I'm not making any payments, but interest is still being accumulated on them). I'm working a full-time and part-time job trying to pay down some of my other debt so that I can make the payments on my student loans when they come out of forebearance. It's not been easy by any stretch, but I'm slowly making progress in my financial journey.

I wish you much patience in your journey!

lad323 · June 2014

First, congratulations on looking for help. That is really important to realize that you have a problem and that it can and will be solved. Please try to find help. Most hospitals have group sessions for eating disorders that are free. Call and see what your local hospital can do. Also check with your college, I know my collage had mental health services that were also free. Also most college have gyms that as a student you can use as well. Finally try to realize what you are doing before you binge, if you get that feeling try to take a walk, call a friend, try to do something positive instead of binging. Good luck, being a poor college student is a challenge but it really is a short amount of time. You will get past this and into a bright future very soon.

zericaaaaa · June 2014

i definitely feel where you're coming from. my depression landed me in the ICU for 10 days at one point because i couldn't stand myself anymore. i had to dig deep, and although i have gone to therapy, its been years. i just woke up one day and did it. its hard to gain self control but its a practice that can be mastered with time and patience. i know its seriously so hard. i used to binge around 5000+ calories every day. fast food, cookies, literally 6 times the recommended serving of goldfish plus sodas and fried foods and anything else that was left in the cabinet. the more i ate the more sadness came with it. even one day with no binging will make you feel like you're on top of the world. one day turns to 2, 2 into 3, and the next thing you know its 3 months later and you're down 30 pounds!! once you start, you will feel too good about yourself to stop. if you ever need to talk i am here!

20 years old, depressed (lengthy)

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