Starting again - unhelpful comments

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  • JenniferIsLosingIt
    JenniferIsLosingIt Posts: 595 Member
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    Some people use that as motivation...others get depressed and fall off the wagon. Which is it for you?

    ITS FUEL BABY!!!!!
  • musicalbeastie
    musicalbeastie Posts: 3
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    Absolutely! Well said.
  • musicalbeastie
    musicalbeastie Posts: 3
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    Context matters and people, in general, are not sensitive to how their comments will be intrepreted.


    1. Wow, you've lost a lot of weight!

    2. Wow, you've gained a lot of weight!

    Are these two comments the same? Should one be intrepreted as rude and the other not?

    What century are you from? Obviously telling someone they've gained a lot of weight is an insult. Whereas telling someone they've lost weight is a compliment.

    Why?

    There is only a one word difference between the two sentences. I've yo-yo'd up and down for years and when I go back to see my family that I haven't seen in a while I fully expect them to say whether I have gained or lost (if it is that noticable). They are just speaking facts, how I interpret that and how their words make me feel speaks to my self image. Unless, they are purposefully being rude. I know that I've gained weight, so why is it so rude for someone mention it. Just like I know when I've lost weight, but it is nice for someone to mention that? Should it matter how close a friend the person is? Do we give those close to us a benefit of a doubt since we like to believe they have our best interest at heart?

    Like I said, context matters...What if you have been sick or are coming off chemo and trying to gain weight? What if you are trying to bulk up for a BB comp?

    My youngest son, 4 years old, recently started to talk about "Daddy's big belly" (yes, thank you Nick Jr and Peppa Pig). Is he being rude? spiteful? No, he's just calling it like it is and how it could make me feel is beyond his comprehension. You know what I say to him? Yes, Daddy does have a big belly and he's trying to get healthier.

    I'll give you that a grown adult should know how their words will be interpreted, but is it about the words, or how the words bring to light how we feel about ourselves?

    Absolutely! Well said.
  • cebreisch
    cebreisch Posts: 1,340 Member
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    Ugh. My mother used to say things to me ALL the time. Nobody else ever did - just my mother and sometimes the rest of my family. She'd suggest I eat carrots. Who wants carrots when there's oreo's in the house???? If I'd go for the oreo's, she'd say, "You don't need that." She also said, "Nice boys don't like fat girls." There's so many - don't know that I could have nearly enough room - but that's a can of worms for another time.

    The other night, I had grabbed 2 snack-size reese's. He says "You don't need that." I told him, "I didn't ask you."

    Later on I told him that I REALLY NEED for him to NOT say that to me. My mother always said that, and I'd react as if, "I'll show you.....you think 2 snack size reese's are bad - I'll eat 3 bags of them. How you like THEM apples???" Yes, I know that was counter productive and only hurting me, but I HATE that stuff!!!

    I'm an emotional eater. If I've turned to food, there's another reason than hunger. Instead of saying, "You don't need that." Come in and say, "So, what's going on? Something bugging you?" (I'll have that conversation with him tonight!)

    Unfortunately, we can't make the rest of the world behave the way we'd like them too.
  • farfromthetree
    farfromthetree Posts: 982 Member
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    Context matters and people, in general, are not sensitive to how their comments will be intrepreted.


    1. Wow, you've lost a lot of weight!

    2. Wow, you've gained a lot of weight!

    Are these two comments the same? Should one be intrepreted as rude and the other not?

    What century are you from? Obviously telling someone they've gained a lot of weight is an insult. Whereas telling someone they've lost weight is a compliment.

    Why?

    There is only a one word difference between the two sentences. I've yo-yo'd up and down for years and when I go back to see my family that I haven't seen in a while I fully expect them to say whether I have gained or lost (if it is that noticable). They are just speaking facts, how I interpret that and how their words make me feel speaks to my self image. Unless, they are purposefully being rude. I know that I've gained weight, so why is it so rude for someone mention it. Just like I know when I've lost weight, but it is nice for someone to mention that? Should it matter how close a friend the person is? Do we give those close to us a benefit of a doubt since we like to believe they have our best interest at heart?

    Like I said, context matters...What if you have been sick or are coming off chemo and trying to gain weight? What if you are trying to bulk up for a BB comp?

    My youngest son, 4 years old, recently started to talk about "Daddy's big belly" (yes, thank you Nick Jr and Peppa Pig). Is he being rude? spiteful? No, he's just calling it like it is and how it could make me feel is beyond his comprehension. You know what I say to him? Yes, Daddy does have a big belly and he's trying to get healthier.

    I'll give you that a grown adult should know how their words will be interpreted, but is it about the words, or how the words bring to light how we feel about ourselves?







    I disagree. Telling someone "Hey you've gained a lot weight" is just rude. Why is it rude? Because the person knows this already and is probably self conscious or working things out in their head. They do not need to be reminded. Gosh, I am so sick of this argument. It is flipping rude. Since you used the chemo argument. Would you say to someone on chemo "Hey, You've lost all your hair!" DUH! Thanks Captain Obvious! Come on, it is not your job to straighten their *kitten* out or motivate them. Leave that to their family and loved ones.
  • KaelaLee88
    KaelaLee88 Posts: 229 Member
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    Oh wow, what an ugly thing to say!

    I'm sure that your colleagues recognised what a rude thing it was to talk about you personally at all and took your side. Anyone who didn't isn't worth a damn.

    When people say really rude or disgusting things to me that I find unacceptable, I often just don't have the words or the timing to come back with a quip! I tend to just pause, make the pause noticeable and say 'Wow, really?'

    My mother has a great way of highlighting inappropriate comments she says 'I beg your pardon?!'. It's a really retro phrase but the shameful repercussions are unbearable!

    Kaela x
  • katematt313
    katematt313 Posts: 624 Member
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    People can be so rude!

    Generally, I think you calmly and immediately point it out to the person speaking to you. "Judy, that was really out of line" or "Judy, that was really rude", and then stop talking and just look directly at them until they squirm, backtrack, etc. Then smile politely and walk away without any more words. The process is actually a lot like teaching a puppy not to pee on the kitchen floor. With time and repetition (and the judicious rubbing the nose in it), you may have some success.

    I use the name "Judy", because I have to do this with Judy, my husband's crazy, alcoholic grandmother, with whom I am obliged to interact during two weekends each year. Sometimes I am too fat, sometimes I am too thin. Last Thanksgiving, I "looked pregnant", because my face looked swollen. Most recently, I am now too old (at 34) to be a good parent to my children, as I should have started popping out babies at age 19.

    Granted, not everyone is pure evil, like Grandma Judy. Sometimes they may be completely clueless or put their foot in their mouth accidentally. The technique works for every situation.

    Good luck :smile:
  • gerle1
    gerle1 Posts: 17 Member
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    Sorry that was said to you. Some people just don't think before speaking. And words hurt more then they know. However you are here with people who understand and support you. It is never easy to not let negitive people get you down.
  • ThatMouse
    ThatMouse Posts: 229 Member
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    You know they're already insecure then. Find their mental weakness, and exploit it until they are crying. Once they are crying, keep pushing for the lols.

    Or just ignore them.
    Oh, I like you a lot.

    Personally, I feel like if they comment on my weight they're likely insecure about that. So I'd just lose it, look great and just keep talking about it around them. If they continue to feel insecure, I get my revenge. If they get over themselves and realize they can change, too, then I've found a new gym buddy.

    Either way, I win.

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