Reality check.

walldancer
walldancer Posts: 910
in Motivation and Support
If your partner or spouse, who was healthy and fit when you met, all of a sudden gains 100 pounds, stops taking care of themself, and states "this is how I am really, deal with it", do you stay or go? Lets assume they do NOT have a medical condition, and just went back to their "old ways"from before they met you. Do you stay or go?
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Replies

  • chivalryder
    chivalryder Posts: 4,391 Member
    Honestly, and I would probably get in trouble for saying this, but I would go.

    Health is extremely important to me. I want it in all aspects of my life. I cannot be with a partner who isn't healthy, barring medical conditions.
  • lawkat
    lawkat Posts: 538 Member
    There is far more to a situation like that than meets the eye. Is the person depressed? that would be my first guess. Is the person unhappy in the relationship and is trying to get you to end it instead of doing it himself? Is he going through a stressful situation and this is how he copes? Do you love him to find out what is wrong?

    I can't give a leave him or don't leave him answer. There has to be more to this other than him just giving up. But you can't force him to work out and lose weight. He needs to do that himself.
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  • pinkaeryse
    pinkaeryse Posts: 25 Member
    the statement "this is how i really am, deal with it", i would be forced to examine whether i ever knew them in the first place. deception and falsity are not healthy foundations for a lasting relationship.
  • BigT555
    BigT555 Posts: 2,067 Member
    really depends on the degree of relationship and whatnot. married for 30 years? probably stay
    but bf/gf for a year or 2? probably go

    someone wouldnt be able to gain 100 lbs without making some drastic changes to their activity level and eating habits. im a fairly active guy (or at least i am now that i've lost some weight), i like to be outdoors and keep moving around, kayaking, fishing, camping and whatnot. to say gaining 100 lbs wouldnt effect this would be a stretch, and if im in a relationship i want to be able to do the things that i enjoy with my partner.
    physical attraction and sex life aside, it would still greatly effect the vibe of the relationship i feel
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  • Meerataila
    Meerataila Posts: 1,885 Member
    Depends, do I love him enough to overlook the weight gain? Even so, I'd definitely fret about his health with such a drastic gain. I know I wasn't healthy when I gained over 100 pounds, and I'm pretty sure I was edging into medical issues territory toward the end. When you love someone, you don't want him to drop dead on you. When you don't, you take out life insurance on him and feed him more.
  • Mitsuo8
    Mitsuo8 Posts: 27 Member
    My and my boyfriend have been together 7 years, and both put on around 70 lbs. If neither of us had decided to lose weight I still would have stayed. Think it depends on how much you love the person and the situation.
  • jkwolly
    jkwolly Posts: 3,049 Member
    Honestly, and I would probably get in trouble for saying this, but I would go.

    Health is extremely important to me. I want it in all aspects of my life. I cannot be with a partner who isn't healthy, barring medical conditions.
    Ditto here!
  • ironanimal
    ironanimal Posts: 5,922 Member
    I think you owe it to a partner to do your best to maintain good health, so I'd find it difficult to deal with.
  • bunbunzee44
    bunbunzee44 Posts: 592 Member
    I gained some, he gained more. It didn't have any effect on anything. Over the years he's been as light as 145 lbs (when we first started dating) and as heavy as 264 lbs (so more than 100 :D). Now he's about 209 lbs, but a lot of it is muscle.. :) I love him. Any size. As long as he's healthy I don't mind what he weighs.
  • imaginaryplant
    imaginaryplant Posts: 93 Member
    You said "depression' is a loaded phrase, and catch all for the medical community these days."

    Mental illness is just what it is, mental illness, no matter what stigmas you personally attach to it.

    Do you stay or go? Why would you come online to ask this question? If you love a person, you love THEM not their weight, looks...I just am shocked at the amount of insensitivity. Honestly, your partner would probably be better off without you.
  • littlefoot612
    littlefoot612 Posts: 156 Member
    "this is how i really am, deal with it"

    This statement, and the attitude it suggests, would make me consider leaving more than the actual weight gain.
  • CharleePear
    CharleePear Posts: 1,948 Member
    What's worse unhealthy body or and unhealthy attitude?
  • runningagainstmyself
    runningagainstmyself Posts: 616 Member
    I was the person who gained 90lb. and stopped taking care of myself. He loved me anyway, stayed with me, and supported me. Now I am a fitter person than he is, and you know what? He loves me anyway, and stays with me.

    I think if you are committed to someone, you are committed to them. It might be difficult for you to watch the downward spiral, but think of the rewards of watching your partner find his/her wings and flying again.
  • pinkyslippers
    pinkyslippers Posts: 188 Member
    You said "depression' is a loaded phrase, and catch all for the medical community these days."

    Mental illness is just what it is, mental illness, no matter what stigmas you personally attach to it.

    Do you stay or go? Why would you come online to ask this question? If you love a person, you love THEM not their weight, looks...I just am shocked at the amount of insensitivity. Honestly, your partner would probably be better off without you.

    I agree with the above poster, and wonder if you have already made up your mind and just want some back up. Either way, it's none of my business, but this did happen with my husband, he became depressed (symptoms of depression are not always what you think). I still love him just the same. Best of luck to you and hope it all works out, whatever you decide :flowerforyou:
  • perseverance14
    perseverance14 Posts: 1,364 Member
    I gained some, he gained more. It didn't have any effect on anything. Over the years he's been as light as 145 lbs (when we first started dating) and as heavy as 264 lbs (so more than 100 :D). Now he's about 209 lbs, but a lot of it is muscle.. :) I love him. Any size. As long as he's healthy I don't mind what he weighs.
    I completely agree...I would never want to be with a person so shallow they would stop "loving" me for weight gain. If it means that much to your partner, they should try to help you, not use it an excuse not to "love" you anymore...IMHO that was NEVER love in the first place, and whichever party was the abandoned one is also the lucky one...maybe they will find real love the next time around.
  • Lonestar5775
    Lonestar5775 Posts: 740 Member
    Not to de-rail the thread but the part that really gets me to look at my inner self is the question, where is the tipping point?

    The op uses a figure of 100 pounds but what is your position in regards to 40 pounds? How about 60, 80?

    Or, what if they stayed at a healthy weight but begin driving really recklessly which is also very dangerous for their health (and maybe yours too).

    It's a multi-faceted question that makes us look at the basis of our wedding vows.
  • Birder155
    Birder155 Posts: 223 Member
    Reality check. I say the partner who gained the weight should lose the weight. How much do you weigh?
  • helenarriaza
    helenarriaza Posts: 517 Member
    If your friend is considering staying or leaving, then leaving is the option. If he/she did not mind they would not put it on the table.
  • JoanneLynn
    JoanneLynn Posts: 156 Member
    No, I would not. One should choose a person for his/her whole package, not just the outer appearance.
  • Dootzy1
    Dootzy1 Posts: 2,343 Member
    "I think if you are committed to someone, you are committed to them. It might be difficult for you to watch the downward spiral, but think of the rewards of watching your partner find his/her wings and flying again"


    It would be VERY difficult. In my world, though, I took a vow, for better or worse, in sickness in health.........so I signed up for seeing it through!!
  • Meerataila
    Meerataila Posts: 1,885 Member
    "I think if you are committed to someone, you are committed to them. It might be difficult for you to watch the downward spiral, but think of the rewards of watching your partner find his/her wings and flying again"


    It would be VERY difficult. In my world, though, I took a vow, for better or worse, in sickness in health.........so I signed up for seeing it through!!

    I haven't taken that vow yet. When I do, I'll take it very seriously. Until then I figure I don't owe it to anyone to stick around if I'm not happy. Just as he doesn't owe it to me.
  • benaddict
    benaddict Posts: 1,381 Member
    When my husband and I dated in high school, he was a bit overweight but not much. When I went to college we lost touch, and over several years he gained weight and was over 300 pounds when we met up again. I was still interested in him and we dated for a little over a year and got engaged. We both lost weight for the wedding, we've both yo-yo'd a bit since our wedding 5 years ago but he's never gotten as big as he was when started dating again. Now I've lost 20 pounds since March and he's lost 40. Sometimes he's insecure about his weight but I remind him that when we started dating he was the biggest he's ever been and I was still interested. I love him for who he is, but I do care about his health which is why I cook most of our meals at home and we encourage each other to stay healthy, we've both started running, etc. So for me, no, him gaining weight would not cause me to leave. But I agree that it's different when you're married vs dating. If you're dating someone and you aren't happy with who they are anymore (whether it's their weight or other issues) and they have no intention of changing, it's time to leave.
  • ClementineGeorg
    ClementineGeorg Posts: 505 Member
    You do not gain 100 pounds all of a sudden. It happens in time. I mean... if 20 or 30 pounds add up and he/she does nothing, one should try to understand what happens with her/his partner.
    My partners usually have been more heavy, not very athletic. But still, I would worry if he gained 30 pounds. Not like leaving him, but trying to find out what the problem is and how can we solve it. Waiting until 100 pounds is waiting too much.
  • s_pekz
    s_pekz Posts: 340 Member
    There is far more to a situation like that than meets the eye. Is the person depressed? that would be my first guess. Is the person unhappy in the relationship and is trying to get you to end it instead of doing it himself? Is he going through a stressful situation and this is how he copes? Do you love him to find out what is wrong?

    I can't give a leave him or don't leave him answer. There has to be more to this other than him just giving up. But you can't force him to work out and lose weight. He needs to do that himself.

    Maybee...but how much do you tolerate? "depression" is a loaded phrase, and catch all for the medical community these days. Oddly enough the best "cure" for most depression is healthy eating and exercise...

    I'm sorry. YOu clearly know nothing about depression or mental illness. Thats why the last topic got rage quit. Please. Pick up a damn textbook on the issue.
  • TavistockToad
    TavistockToad Posts: 35,719 Member
    If your partner or spouse, who was healthy and fit when you met, all of a sudden gains 100 pounds, stops taking care of themself, and states "this is how I am really, deal with it", do you stay or go? Lets assume they do NOT have a medical condition, and just went back to their "old ways"from before they met you. Do you stay or go?

    How do you gain 100lbs 'all of a sudden'???
  • BigT555
    BigT555 Posts: 2,067 Member
    If your partner or spouse, who was healthy and fit when you met, all of a sudden gains 100 pounds, stops taking care of themself, and states "this is how I am really, deal with it", do you stay or go? Lets assume they do NOT have a medical condition, and just went back to their "old ways"from before they met you. Do you stay or go?

    How do you gain 100lbs 'all of a sudden'???
    KFC
  • LoobylouL
    LoobylouL Posts: 17 Member
    There is far more to a situation like that than meets the eye. Is the person depressed? that would be my first guess. Is the person unhappy in the relationship and is trying to get you to end it instead of doing it himself? Is he going through a stressful situation and this is how he copes? Do you love him to find out what is wrong?

    I can't give a leave him or don't leave him answer. There has to be more to this other than him just giving up. But you can't force him to work out and lose weight. He needs to do that himself.

    Maybee...but how much do you tolerate? "depression" is a loaded phrase, and catch all for the medical community these days. Oddly enough the best "cure" for most depression is healthy eating and exercise...

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