What are our REAL daily needs?

Good link to read to get you started.
http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/1080242-a-guide-to-get-you-started-on-your-path-to-sexypants

Honestly, you are asking a lot of questions and thus hard to refine down to a few sentences. The link provided will get you started on probably most everything you asked about.

I don't think there is a one-size-fits-all list of daily requirements. It will change depending on size, age, activity level, hormone levels, gender, personal preferences, cultural eating habits etc etc.

But, there are some basics:

Macronutrients:

Your body needs enough protein. It is constantly breaking down the existing protein in your body and re-making it. To fuel this, you need to eat a certain minimum amount - on the order of about 45 g per day. If you are highly active, especially if you are doing weight training, you'll need more. If you are on a calorie deficit, you'll need more. The usual recommendation is around 1 g od protein per lb of lean body mass (LBM). It is hard to eat too much protein, unless you have an existing condition like kidney stones. Protein keeps you fuller longer, and can be broken down to glucose to fuel your other cellular needs.

You need fat. Current recommendations are to avoid partially hydrogenated trans-fats, but other than that most any fat is OK. Many vitamins are fat soluble and you won't get enough from your food if you go too low fat. Eating fat does not, as used to be thought, make you fat. Eating too much of any food makes you fat! A good amount of fat to shoot for seems to be about 0.4 g/lb LBM.

Carbohydrates are, strictly speaking, optional. Although they are a preferred source of energy for the body, we can make them from protein or use ketones from fat breakdown. That said, most people (baring medical conditions like insulin resistance or diabetes) can eat carbs with no ill effect. Low carb diets can work for some people, but usually because by restricting carbs they are actually restricting the overall calories they take in. Simple carbs, like sugar, are digested fast and give quick energy. Complex carbs take longer to break down. Fiber is also a carb, but isn't digested by the body: it helps keep you regular though! Eat fiber! [I notice from your profile your fiance is diabetic - he should limit his carbs to help regulate his blood sugar.]

Micronutrients:

Your body needs these, but exactly how much is open to some debate. The USDA Daily Amounts are probably a good goal to shoot for as a minimum. You can get these from multivitamins if you like, or from eating a diverse diet including especially fresh fruit and veggies.


Calories:

These are what count for weight loss. Eat at a reasonable deficit. Don't go very low calorie, as (a) you'll be hungry (b) you'll have trouble reaching micronutrient goals (c) you'll start losing muscle as your body tries to sustain itself. Try a range for a few weeks and, if you lose too fast or not fast enough, adjust. To lose the muffin top, you have to be in a calorie deficit, period. How you get there is not nearly as important. Raw vegan, fruitarian, 80/10/10, paleo, Atkins, ketogenic, eating clean etc etc are (I would say) fad diets that can help create a calorie deficit. Eat that way if it helps you meet your calorie goals, but realize that there is no magic bullet.

Humans have evolved to eat food, period. We are omnivores and, looking at various extant and extinct cultures around the world, can subsist (at least) on virtually anything. For optimum health, my philosophy is to eat a variety of foods I like eating. I eat my veggies, and I eat some ice cream.

I also think that, for most people, not being overly restrictive helps with compliance. If you are on the world's best diet but don't stick to it, you aren't going to get the results you desire. Do what works for you psychologically as well as physically.


Finally: exercise. Don't rely on it for weight loss, but do it for your overall health. Again - something you enjoy and will continue with is the best one for you. I lift weights because of the aesthetic changes it gives my body and I run because I like running.

I want to be healthy. I want to meet most of my daily requirements. I want a lifestyle, not a diet. But what do I NEED?

You need micronutrients, protein and fat. Carbs are not technically necessary, but since fruits and vegetables contain carbs, they are definitely ideal.

I tend not to listen to MFP posters re: nutrition. Even the few who know what they are talking about tend to spin all information towards their own personal goals. I look to researchers and experts (not self-proclaimed experts, but those recognized as experts by other nutrition scientists). This is my favorite site, because the advice is evidence based and sensible. No grandiose claims, just "here is what the data is telling us so far".

http://www.hsph.harvard.edu/nutritionsource/

And, as a side note, they are also often critical of the USDA.

According to your diary, you should be getting an average of 88g of protein a day. With several oz of chicken, fish, soy, etc... or if absolutely need be, protein powder supplementation...I don't see the issue. I eat a whole can of tuna in some of my salads and that's 30g right there. That would account for almost half of your daily goal and not saying that you have to eat tuna every day, but these choices are extemely economical and doable. Also, nothing wrong with implementing more organic food choices, but these food items come at a price premium. Taking this to an extreme scenario to show a point, what's more important to a starving individual, food quantity or food quality? Maybe there needs to be a shift in prioritizing some to help with protein intake.

I feel you! It really does get confusing when you are bombarded with information about what is best for you from almost everyone on the net, whether they have the credentials or not. It has now come to the point where I simply don't give a damn anymore and basically I do what is most recommended on average by nutrition experts--I test out macro ratios that makes me feel the best and I try to eat completely whole foods with minimal processing but I don't refrain from foods that I do love. Fad diets or too restrictive diets is not a balanced lifestyle. Some people can make it work for them (go them!) but for the majority out there, that's not the case. We're all going to die someday whether we eat healthy, meet our daily nutrition needs or not. Of course, eating well will reduce the risks of diseases/pain over time but still, we're not gonna live forever so don't take it too seriously, worry over what is considered best or make it too complicated. In the end, eat less, eat mostly "healthy" (fresh foods high in vitamins/minerals), and move more are most important imo!!